ResTechof3 Posted December 20, 2008 Posted December 20, 2008 How do I handle finding gay porn that H has been looking up on the internet? I confronted him today and he tried to turn it around on me saying he put it on there to give me something to look at. I asked him if he was gay and he said no. He then accused me of not trusting him...something told me to check the history on the computer so I did and this is what I found. He professes to love me but looks up porn, what's up with that? I don't think there has been any affairs that I can tell. I can say he has no desire to have sex. I even asked him if he has been self serving himself. He told me no. I am so confused at this moment that its not funny. Could this just be a phase he is going through? Do all men have a time where they find gay porn exciting? We have 3 children, he is 40 going through mid-life and I do love him but I have lost a piece of respect for him for doing this. I don't want to put my children through a divorce it's not fair for them, but I don't want to stay in a marriage that seems to be going way down hill either. I asked H if we could get back to where we were before all this started and he said he didn't know. Again what's that? It's a yes or no answer. I have this idea that popped into my head...it has to do with us NOT getting divorced but us going and doing what we want with whom we want as long as it is not brought to the house. Is this a crazy thought or doable? Any and all advice, help anything is very much welcome. I need all the help I can get at this point.
Athena Posted December 20, 2008 Posted December 20, 2008 Read up on men who are bisexual, it's a big phenomenon apparently. There is a book called "On the Down Low" and this other book which is excellent: "The Straight-Up Truth About the Down-Low: Women Share Their Stories of Betrayal, Pain and Survival" I really would caution you very very strongly about this big red flag of your H looking at gay porn -- no straight guy would be doing this. Your H might well be sleeping around with men behind your back. Get the book I recommended above and READ IT!
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 20, 2008 Posted December 20, 2008 How much gay porn is he looking up? It is all gay porn? Curiosity about things doesn't men you are those things. His lack of desire could be from any number of things. Now that said, if it is exclusively gay porn, and more than just a 'curiosity' amount then that would certainly raise some questions.
Author ResTechof3 Posted December 20, 2008 Author Posted December 20, 2008 Several days of it...he said he planted it...
Posco_Proudfoot Posted December 20, 2008 Posted December 20, 2008 Several days of it...he said he planted it... So, there is several days of gay porn and nothing more? No emails, no weird leaving home at night, no strange sexual desires with you? Speaking from a male point of view that won't make him gay. That will make him curious.
Athena Posted December 20, 2008 Posted December 20, 2008 Restech, it is his looking at gay porn TOGETHER with his history of having had sex with a man/men before he met you, and his weird emotional disconnect from you a few months ago (a red flag for an affair) that makes this more than likely that your H is sleeping with men on the side. He is not having sex with you, right? He is looking at gay porn. Of course, when bust, he will say ANYTHING to get him off the hook.... are you going to get that book I recommended to you in my earlier post? It will share MANY subtleties of a gay H and will help you to understand how dangerous this is for you, since the life On the Down Low is a lot of meaningless sex -- and sometimes with NO protection, which opens you up to STD's. Please get that book.
SierraRose Posted December 20, 2008 Posted December 20, 2008 He could very well be bi-curious. The whole "put it there for you.." is bullsh*t. He got busted.
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 20, 2008 Posted December 20, 2008 Yeah, I certainly agree he is lying about planting it. He is likely horrified that you found it.
Author ResTechof3 Posted December 20, 2008 Author Posted December 20, 2008 I figured the samething he got flustered and then said he planted it....hey I don't need him but I do need my kids....I have looked into the book hopefully can find it soon. Trust me he won't be getting any from me. Yes, this is after he had men/men contact before we were married...he says I lied...he's the one who sid he wouldn't go down that path after we got married...man deep down I think i always knew...should of...would of...could of. Right now i am in the frame of mind that I am unattractive and ect...will get better though.
Author ResTechof3 Posted December 20, 2008 Author Posted December 20, 2008 No he doesnt leave at night I work nights and he has the kids. No emails as I have seen. He does not desire me as he has said...he says he is doing the best he can do right now. He always has the kids with him...no strange things the bedroom...unless you count me and sleep. I did ask him if he wasn't gay than are we going to be able to start where left off...just to see what his answer was...he said "I don't know"...if Im not mistaken that is guy lingo of "No" am I correct...Like I said just wanted to see what he would of said...right now I am trying to emotionally shut myself down where he is concerned ANY suggestions on this one?
SierraRose Posted December 20, 2008 Posted December 20, 2008 He could be bi-sexual and VERY confused...
Author ResTechof3 Posted December 20, 2008 Author Posted December 20, 2008 Yes he was honest with me from the start...but you know what they say lead with your heart and you will get hurt.
Enema Posted December 21, 2008 Posted December 21, 2008 He professes to love me but looks up porn, what's up with that? There is no connection between looking at porn and love for one's spouse. I even asked him if he has been self serving himself. He told me no. I am so confused He lied. 99.99% of men frequently masturbate. This is normal and healthy. The gay porn however, indicates that he's not 100% straight. Bisexual maybe. If your relationship was good and your sex life was fine, I would say "who cares?". However, you mentioned you don't have sex. If your needs aren't being met, you need to have a serious discussion with him about it. But if you go in all guns blazing, he's just going to lie more.
Author ResTechof3 Posted December 22, 2008 Author Posted December 22, 2008 I do have to go on record as saying that he has had serious medical problems in his leg. He has celulitis and vasculitis and was hospitilaized for a week for the infection that over took his body. However, since he has been out of the hospital we have had sex 3 times in the last 4 months. This is before I found the porn on the comp. He has had a surgery about a week ago on his leg. A lymp was taken out to byopsy...the results came back neg. I can see where he does not want to have sex he has been put on the highest form of hydrocodone and another muscle relaxer. The porn I have the issue with.
LavendarGirl Posted December 26, 2008 Posted December 26, 2008 I think you need to consider MC to discuss the lack of sexual desire and also whether he might be a closet gay or bisexual.
stillafool Posted December 26, 2008 Posted December 26, 2008 I would sadly say your H still had desires for men. I don't think people can give it up (being gay or bi-sexual) because those desires are going to rear their head sooner or later. To me the fact that he is looking at gay porn tells me he has sex on his mind just not with you. I don't care what type of medical problems he's having it hasn't taken his mind off of gay sex and I would bet anything he is masturbating to it. I had a friend who did phone sex and she said married men would call in all the time and want to talk about their sexual experiences (or interest in having one) with other men. She said it was frightening. She said she even started looking at men differently because she felt they all (deep down) wanted another man!
Desperate HH Posted December 26, 2008 Posted December 26, 2008 I haven't looked up your other posts - but - medical issues, less sex than you would like, some interest in men, 40... It sounds as though you need to do a lot of talking. Not confrontation, but open discussion about your marriage, love life, sexual interests. I wouldn't be surprised if he had bi interests - and has tried to keep them from you. Maybe a mid-life awakening of old curiousities, desires, wondering if there is "more" that he should experience before he gets old. Perhaps he has had some kind of an encounter, perhaps not. Maybe a vague dis-satisfaction with his love life lately. So what? That doesn't make him a bad person, or want to leave you for a man. But he is definitely afraid of your reaction, and you should take that very seriously. You need to let him know that your marriage is important, and that you love him and support him. And he needs to be open and honest with you. Can you have this kind of discussion with him? If not, a therapist/counselor/clergyman can help. Good luck.
Posco_Proudfoot Posted December 26, 2008 Posted December 26, 2008 I do have to go on record as saying that he has had serious medical problems in his leg. He has celulitis and vasculitis and was hospitilaized for a week for the infection that over took his body. However, since he has been out of the hospital we have had sex 3 times in the last 4 months. This is before I found the porn on the comp. He has had a surgery about a week ago on his leg. A lymp was taken out to byopsy...the results came back neg. I can see where he does not want to have sex he has been put on the highest form of hydrocodone and another muscle relaxer. The porn I have the issue with. I think the medication has effected him sexually. I think muscle relaxers can have side effects. I know I wasn't into them when I took them. The gay porn thing....is that all you found or did you find straight porn too?
Alady Posted December 26, 2008 Posted December 26, 2008 I'm glad you have an issue with the gay porn. HUGE red flag. Do not let this drop without finding out for sure what is going on. Did you know that there are millions of women who have unknowingly married a gay man? Check out the straight spouse network. It's mind boggling.
LittleDove Posted December 26, 2008 Posted December 26, 2008 PLEASE get yourself checked for anything he may have passed on... This is serious, your health comes before you are ven SURE if anything's gone on, just the question in itself should have you off to the dr. right away. The fact you found gay porn is not because 'he planted it'. That whole argument makes no sense, UNLESS he is trying to 'come out' to you... It seems clear hes not going to do that, he stands to loose his family, and until now hes managed to keep his gay tendencies private. Maybe he just looks at porn, maybe he acts on his fantasies...thats something that is likley HE will only ever know.. You mentioned he had already been with guys prior to marrige? (are you okay with this- because once men have done it, usually they keep doing it..) more stats.. I have worked in an organization for gay and bi men with AIDS/HIV, and the number of 'straight' men who practice gay sex - when I read that stats my jaw dropped , I look at every man and wonder these days.... most have had 'an experience' at least once. What was the name of that senator who was married and leading a double life?? kerry?? anyway- I dont mean to worry you too much, maybe its just porn, but I doubt it. I would be asking some direct questions, about where and who he does this with, at public toilets or what? it takes 5 mins for a guy to meet a stranger and 'get off' and be on the way...so its not like an affair with late nights... I once heard a 'straight mans' story, he would regularly jog and would sometimes visit a male prostitute instead of the jog, but jog up the arpartment stairwell to make himself all sweaty..I heard his story because he contracted HIV from this prostitute, and so did his wife. Please have your health checked even if you are feeling normal and fine. You are probably okay- but your mind needs to be at ease. best wishes.
redfathom Posted December 26, 2008 Posted December 26, 2008 I think MC is a great way to help deal with everything. You knew your H liked men before you married him and while he may be bi-sexualy that doesn't mean he is being promiscuous (sp). As long as you both have a healthy, monogomous (if that is what you want), loving relationship, I think everything will be fine. I do think getting checked out won't hurt anything. And I do think having an open, understanding conversation with your H about both of your wants and needs also needs to be done. Just try not to get mad, judgemental, etc. Good luck!
Author ResTechof3 Posted December 26, 2008 Author Posted December 26, 2008 There was the only one time I found gay porn...no straight. I have checked the computer and have not found any other evidence of porn anywhere. As far as him going to meet people I don't think so he has our 3 children with him at all times. So that is not an issue I worry about as of now. Fortunatley H was tested when he was bad sick in the hospital...it was hospital orders and the test came back neg across the board. They were checking auto immune system. As far as where we are at right now...let's just say that time will tell. I am looking at this in a different way and maybe I will get the courage and knowledge to start to reallt talk about this and start the healing process. Thank you all for your advice and understanding on this. I really appreciate it.
child_of_isis Posted December 26, 2008 Posted December 26, 2008 I don't know if I would be trusting the "he always has the children with him" thing. How old are they? Have they mentioned an uncle or cousin or anything? Hell, he could be leaving them in the car with a happy meal while he runs inside someones house for a few minutes. The children could very well be his cover. There was the only one time I found gay porn...no straight. I have checked the computer and have not found any other evidence of porn anywhere. As far as him going to meet people I don't think so he has our 3 children with him at all times. So that is not an issue I worry about as of now. Fortunatley H was tested when he was bad sick in the hospital...it was hospital orders and the test came back neg across the board. They were checking auto immune system. As far as where we are at right now...let's just say that time will tell. I am looking at this in a different way and maybe I will get the courage and knowledge to start to reallt talk about this and start the healing process. Thank you all for your advice and understanding on this. I really appreciate it.
Frankasy Posted December 26, 2008 Posted December 26, 2008 Us guys don't go on wild experiences like your husband did. He's gay or bisexual, either way that means that you have a lot more work on your hands. If you thought that you had to watch his every move when he was with women, you gotta do twice the work now, watch his every move when he's around people if he's bi of course. If he's gay then your marriage is pretty much over. Yes the situation would be pretty much the same, you would only have to be suspicious of him only when he's around one gender but this time it won't be women but men. I'm sorry if I said it a bit harsh but watching gay porn isn't something to let go, it's more than a 90 percent chance that a man has become gay.
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