Survival of an unhappy marriage?

[SierraRose]

I am interested in hearing from the BS. Has your marriage been able to survive an affair?

[Athena]

I am interested in hearing from the BS. Has your marriage been able to survive an affair?

 

Has our marriage survived "an affair"? Why, yes, ONE affair. And again the second affair (plus third, fourth & fifth disclosed all together), sixth, seventh, yes we survived... but then the eighth affair H had -- I had enough.

He may think we are surviving, but I am thinking there's not much longer to go before I am outta here.... why should I stay? -- to see # 9, 10, 11, etc heralded in too?

 

Are you BS or CS? What's your background?

[SierraRose]

Has our marriage survived "an affair"? Why, yes, ONE affair. And again the second affair (plus third, fourth & fifth disclosed all together), sixth, seventh, yes we survived... but then the eighth affair H had -- I had enough.

He may think we are surviving, but I am thinking there's not much longer to go before I am outta here.... why should I stay? -- to see # 9, 10, 11, etc heralded in too?

 

Are you BS or CS? What's your background?

 

(I'm new to the lingo..CS) Why would you stay after so many affairs?

[Athena]

I guess I should have used the term WS for wandering spouse, instead of CS for cheating spouse.

 

Why would I stay after his affairs?

Different reasons... like, after the first one, he cried and showed remorse... and BECAUSE his XWife was totally unforgiving on him when he unprompted went to her and informed her that he had cheated on her five times in their six year marriage and wanted to make it up to her, but she divorced him right away, I thought I would do the exact opposite to her, so I forgave him immediately.

 

Next batch of affairs which I uncovered the one and he admitted to a few all together, hit me SO HARD I was paralyzed.... shell shocked.... grieving badly... damaged... I was desperate to hold onto him, to understand him, etc. All this time he was telling me how much he loved, admired, and wanted me... and I still loved him very much.

We also have children together, now in college, but then in school. I was a stay at home mom while he traveled abroad.

 

He swore he would never have an affair again. He said he was sorry and he needed my help to change.

So I stuck in there.

 

Then he did it again, and even though I caught him in several lies, and got his landlord overseas to check his bedroom where he was living at the time he was working abroad, to see that he was not in his room, so I knew he must be having an affair, he continued to gaslight me for six months... he swore I was wrong and he wasn't having another affair... I refused to see him for those six months. Finally he begged me so much to get back together, I said okay, and then he admitted it. It was weird because I felt so relieved to finally hear the truth and that I wasn't 'going crazy' as he had accused me of when he was hiding the truth.

 

I told him if he ever cheated again, I would divorce him. He said he would never ever take that chance of losing me, the love of his life, blah blah blah then went on to have a year long affair with a foreign woman on his last assignment.

 

Sigh -- maybe I missed telling you about one of them? I would need to go refer to my three journals I kept at the time to see what exactly went down on the timeline.

 

So anyway, basically the bottom line is I stayed because I loved the bastard.

But I am fed up with him and his lies.

 

I am glad our beautiful children are smart, well adjusted, and loving young adults -- I think they got the best of us both.

I am sorry to see that this lovely family of ours will not be a 'unit', but truly, what else did he expect? Some men just like to 'try out' several other women, especially if they have ONE special woman at home tending the fires and children... that's my H.

 

It's easy to cheat. It's harder to have integrity.

 

Why specifically are you wanting to hear about marriages surviving affairs? Are you interested in getting back with your MM?

I would assume each marriage is as different as the people in them.

My H is a happily married man who loves and admires me, we have great sex, have a lovely family, etc but he likes to get attention, admiration, and enjoys conquering OW to have sex with. It's his weakness. As other posters have called this, he is a Cake Eater... wanting his cake and eating it too.

[SierraRose]

I do want to get back together with my MM, but NOT while he is M. As long as he is, it will be NC and off limits. I have never been in this situation before and I am just trying to make sence/understanding of it all...

[Athena]

I guess your MM is feeling insecure about taking such a big step as divorce, no matter how unhappy he has been in his marriage before. Don't forget that divorce feels like failure. And men, I think, do not like to think of themselves as having failed... they are raised to be competitive and to 'win'.

 

Also, I read over just a few of your posts, and I see that his W had previously had two affairs on him. I think that sometimes, when a BS chooses to stay, they are MORE likely to fight for their M afterwards, since the emotional upheaval, and hell they go through almost 'forge' them together even more.

 

While you wait for MM to make up his mind with his wife, you should start dating. Don't wait for him, because he might not even become available, but also -- you might just well be disappointed with him even if you do end up with him.

In the meantime, check out your options with other available men.

 

What is it about MM that you especially desire?

[SierraRose]

I really don't want to date right now. It has nothing to do with the MM, as I know he may never come around. I just don't want to; I have other things going on in my life that are more important than dating. I miss everything about my M...the friendship, the love, communication, the laughter...

[jwi71]

I am interested in hearing from the BS. Has your marriage been able to survive an affair?

 

It CAN be done.

 

In short, my W, feeling neglected and "small", slept with her boss. It was a short lived affair, being an EA for two weeks, PA for several days.

 

How WE survived.

 

1) W met every demand I had (NC, quit her job, gave up cell phone, can only use PC in kitchen, surrendered all passwords, key logger on PC, etc). She still accepts this. This will continue until I decide otherwise (ie, I trust her more).

2) She was honest. Has answered every question, even the painful ones. The story does not change, the time lines don't change...

3) MC , and for a short while IC for us both (but that is no longer needed per our MC)

4) The acceptance of my role in the affair. Yes, the BS does contribute.

5) Change in us both. Especially communication.

6) Look forward and not back. This is so hard, but when I feel dark and angry about the past, I shut up until I am calm. Then we talk about it.

7) Allow my wife to be angry at me. Allow her to have her feelings, especially in relation to #4 above.

 

All I can think of now.

 

Its hard. Really hard. It takes a great deal of understanding, patience, acceptance and hard work. It is extraordinarily painful - not only in how she failed me but how I failed her.

 

I have not forgiven her yet but I am making progress.

[joybean72]

I stayed for a year after finding out about the first affair he had with a co-worker (He was working out of state then) only for him to come home and find another co-worker. They are now living together, we are divorcing. Point is, if only one person is willing to do what it takes...there is no chance of making it work. Of course it hurt, but in the end I am glad I don't have to sift though all the lies and crazy making bulls#*t any longer and am free (well almost!) to find someone that can and will love me with their whole heart and who I can trust completely.