game playing, your views

[alone_confused]

Hi all,

 

Well as most of you i was dumped after 3 and half years, this was my first serious relationship.

 

Now there seems to be a lot of game playing, I'm sure there are reasons for it, but being an open and honest girl i find it silly at times.

 

The dumper and dumpee pretend there are doing damn fantastic and have never been better, lets both pretend we don't give a sh*t about each other, why?

 

NC, though i get that one, that helps you move on after being dumped, though i know some people use it for other non genuine reasons.

 

Taking your time to respond to messages and emails? Like you are so busy you haven't had the time, or you're saying, well you don't mean enough to me anymore to reply in a timely fashion.

 

The dumper keeping their text messages, answers, responses short and to the point, why? to me that shows you are bitter, so i don't really get that one, it shows we still care and are still upset.

 

Make them, or try to make them jealous?

 

To me from a logical prospective, if your BF or GF whatever the case may be dumped you because they don't love you anymore or whatever their reason was, by pretending you are doing great, moving on, have never been happier does nothing but alleviate their guilt, its what they want isn't it? to feel they did the right thing, they didn't hurt us too much, so it allows them to move on quicker and without guilt cause they see how damn fantastic we are doing.

 

At the end of the day, don;t you think our partners of a long term relationship know us inside and out, they can see what we are doing, they know it isn't in our nature, so it is kind of confusing, what is the point of all this?

 

 

I'm sure there are many more, what is your views?

[Taramere]

At the end of the day, don;t you think our partners of a long term relationship know us inside and out, they can see what we are doing, they know it isn't in our nature, so it is kind of confusing, what is the point of all this?

 

 

I'm sure there are many more, what is your views?

 

Sorry you've just broken up from a long term relationship.

 

I don't think that presenting an image of doing okay is so much a game as a healthy mechanism for getting yourself back onto that track where you really are doing okay. A sort of fake it until you make it thing.

 

Although your ex knows you well, and may be aware that you aren't really doing okay, he's no longer in that emotionally supportive role that a boyfriend inhabits. If he's keeping his responses to you very short and to the point, it might simply be a way of emphasising that he's left that emotionally supportive role.

 

Feeling angry about loss is natural, and passes in time....but if you start getting hooked on the notion that any deliberate distancing behaviours on his part are part of a cruel, dishonest game to make you feel worse than you already feel, those feelings will take longer to dissipate.

 

I don't know him. Perhaps he really is a callous game-player....but if he was a generally decent guy to you until the relationship started to fade, then it's more likely that what he's doing now really is just part of the normal distancing process.

 

Unless there's something you genuinely do need to contact him about, I think it would be best to stop emailing and texting. That could be what he's trying to convey to you by keeping things short and to the point.

[Trialbyfire]

No matter which side of this you're on, most people still feel the pain to an extent. The ones that don't are the ones who you're better off without.

 

So, if he's still feeling the pain of trying to move on, he's going to be battling with himself inside. I'm assuming he felt his reasons were sufficient that it wasn't possible to continue. This doesn't stop him from still having feelings for you. This might also be the reason why his responses are short, not wanting to give you hope while wanting back what was lost, but not wanting it. I think in some ways, you're also feeling torn too.

 

Unless you've both decided to try again, putting your all into making it work again, staying in contact with someone who's confused, doesn't do either one of you any good.

 

Focus on getting your bearings again. You've got the strength to do it inside you. No matter how this turns out, getting your feet back under you can only do you good.

[alone_confused]

No No, sorry i think my post was confusing,

 

My ex dumped me, with the reason love you, but not in love, he isn't cold or distant, its the opposite actually, he wanted to remain friends so badly he actually cried...Im saying, thats what people tell the dumpee to do, act distant, act like your happy, dont answer their texts right away ect.

 

 

I hope i cleared that up.

[alone_confused]

The dumper keeping their text messages, answers, responses short and to the point, why? to me that shows you are bitter, so i don't really get that one, it shows we still care and are still upset.

 

 

sorry i see where the error is, it should be, the dumpee is told to act that way, not the dumper.

[Taramere]

sorry i see where the error is, it should be, the dumpee is told to act that way, not the dumper.

 

Ah I see. That would make more sense.

 

He gave you the "love you but not in love with you" line. Well, how are you supposed to react to information like that other than with polite and slightly chilly acceptance? If someone's saying "you're not the one", you're not going to change their feelings by throwing plates around, weeping and yelling "but I looooooovvvvveeee you."

 

And then when they see you starting to distance from them, maybe a bit of separation anxiety sets in. They perhaps panic and try to draw you back in to their emotional world. "Well I don't know.....maybe I'm making a big mistake here...maybe I love you as much as I can love anyone".

 

You can get drawn back in, start to soften up - then as they feel back in the driving seat, and not really sure what to do there, they slap you with "on the other hand, this probably won't work."

 

It's that old story. You're more interesting to an ex when you've started to distance yourself from them. Seeing that raises all these primitive fears about abandonment in them....so they try to draw you back in, because it's comforting for them to feel that you're still going to be there for them on some level. But the moment you get drawn back in, all the reasons they don't really want to be with you hit them in the face again. And you'll end up feeling stupid, weak and multiply rejected.

 

So, of course you still love him and of course he has ambivalent feelings of both wanting and not wanting to be with you. You wouldn't have been together for so long if there hadn't been some strong emotions on his part. But if a guy is ambivalent about you for so long, I think it's an ambivalence that will never go away.

 

Do you appreciate fairly decisive men? I think most women do. So how can you truly respect a man who's wishy washy and ambivalent about you? How do you feel safe around him? How can you be happy with him? There might be some "does he or doesn't he?" excitement surrounding the ambivalence...but I think it's difficult to actually respect a man who's thinking like that. It's too flaky and insubstantial. Like an empty vol-au-vent pastry case.

 

Someone has to take control and make decisions in a situation like that. If he can't do it....if he can't quite make the break, and wants to carry on swapping thoughts and "I miss yous" by text and email, then you have to do it. Effectively you have to complete the dumping process. People talk about dumper/dumpee - but I think in longer relationships where there have been strong feelings on both sides, it's a bit more complicated than that.

 

I love horses, so I like horse analogies. If a horse senses that it's got a weak, incompetent person on its back then it will immediately take control. Its thinking is "I'm a pack animal. I need someone to be in charge here. I don't mind if it's you or if it's me...but someone must be in charge. I see you're weak and incompetent. I'm going to grab myself a few mouthfuls of grass and then we'll go my way. I might even just throw you off my back once I get really sick of you."

[smiiiley]

I was thinking the exact same thing...i hate games...

 

i feel like "why can't i just pick up the phone and talk to him?" but he'd be cold...who knows...all i know is i hate this sh*t

[alone_confused]

Ah I see. That would make more sense.

 

He gave you the "love you but not in love with you" line. Well, how are you supposed to react to information like that other than with polite and slightly chilly acceptance? If someone's saying "you're not the one", you're not going to change their feelings by throwing plates around, weeping and yelling "but I looooooovvvvveeee you."

 

And then when they see you starting to distance from them, maybe a bit of separation anxiety sets in. They perhaps panic and try to draw you back in to their emotional world. "Well I don't know.....maybe I'm making a big mistake here...maybe I love you as much as I can love anyone".

 

You can get drawn back in, start to soften up - then as they feel back in the driving seat, and not really sure what to do there, they slap you with "on the other hand, this probably won't work."

 

It's that old story. You're more interesting to an ex when you've started to distance yourself from them. Seeing that raises all these primitive fears about abandonment in them....so they try to draw you back in, because it's comforting for them to feel that you're still going to be there for them on some level. But the moment you get drawn back in, all the reasons they don't really want to be with you hit them in the face again. And you'll end up feeling stupid, weak and multiply rejected.

 

So, of course you still love him and of course he has ambivalent feelings of both wanting and not wanting to be with you. You wouldn't have been together for so long if there hadn't been some strong emotions on his part. But if a guy is ambivalent about you for so long, I think it's an ambivalence that will never go away.

 

Do you appreciate fairly decisive men? I think most women do. So how can you truly respect a man who's wishy washy and ambivalent about you? How do you feel safe around him? How can you be happy with him? There might be some "does he or doesn't he?" excitement surrounding the ambivalence...but I think it's difficult to actually respect a man who's thinking like that. It's too flaky and insubstantial. Like an empty vol-au-vent pastry case.

 

Someone has to take control and make decisions in a situation like that. If he can't do it....if he can't quite make the break, and wants to carry on swapping thoughts and "I miss yous" by text and email, then you have to do it. Effectively you have to complete the dumping process. People talk about dumper/dumpee - but I think in longer relationships where there have been strong feelings on both sides, it's a bit more complicated than that.

 

I love horses, so I like horse analogies. If a horse senses that it's got a weak, incompetent person on its back then it will immediately take control. Its thinking is "I'm a pack animal. I need someone to be in charge here. I don't mind if it's you or if it's me...but someone must be in charge. I see you're weak and incompetent. I'm going to grab myself a few mouthfuls of grass and then we'll go my way. I might even just throw you off my back once I get really sick of you."

 

Thank you very much, excellent advice and it makes perfect sense.

 

i actually posted another post not so long ago about that, I stated that i do love him, but i could never trust him again, even if he had a change of heart, it would be for the wrong reasons, he is lonely, or misses talking to me, etc, but once things return to normal I'm sure so would his feelings. I refuse to put myself through that again, its been nearly a month and I'm doing better, starting to see my self worth again, No way I'm going back wards.