You have to be your own best friend.

[kizik]

This thread is for the recently heartbroken.

 

You loved someone with all of your being and soul, and it didn't work out. So you are crying your f*cking eyes out trying to pick up the pieces of your life, but you can barely get out of bed. Thoughts drift to suicide, you can barely eat, you miss them so f*cking much you can't stand it.

 

When I was in that place of pain, I couldn't ever imagine it ending. Nowadays (7 months later), I couldn't get back to that place if I tried.

 

I didn't have ANY close friends after my breakup. NONE. I had to do it all myself.

 

Well, time passed. Somehow I managed good grades that term, and eventually got a new job, started at a new school. Made new friends. I changed my life.

 

No one helped me through this. No one. I did it all myself. Well - I should say that the invaluable advice found on LoveShack helped me immeasurably.

 

You can do it. I am an example of someone who loved his girlfriend so much - got crushed - and bounced back. And I would be lying if I told you I don't think of her - because I do - but I am just very proud of myself for making it through to the other side. I didn't hurt anyone in the process - not her, not myself. I didn't take any anger out on anyone.

 

It may feel like the end of the world. But Thom Yorke of Radiohead really hits it when he sings in Karma Police:

 

"For a minute / I lost myself."

 

You lost yourself in this relationship. You can find yourself again. I promise. Do what you love - sports, music, art, etc. Learn to love yourself again. Chances are your ex has made you feel pretty sh*tty about yourself. Well, they're wrong.

 

You are great.

 

YOU are GREAT.

[Jenny123]

Couldn't have said it better myself! Wise words

[EmperorR]

I agree with all of this, I had no friends to lean on, hell no family near me either, I went through all this alone just depending on myself. IT's hard as hell when the only person I talked to really did anything with for the past 3 years betrayed me and kicked me to the curb.Sadly my life was just centered around her. Now 3 months later and like 90 days NC, i'm regaining myself back.

 

I'm also a example of someone who loved his fiance more than he loved himself, did everything for her and still ot cheated on and dumped and was left with no one, but it made me a stronger person, I used to be shy like a mouse now slowly I'm not, hell I was so shy in my life I barely could muster words to ask out my ex and she was th efirst girl I ever asked out:laugh:. Now eh what's a little rejection goin to do to me, my heart trust etc was shattered what's a little rejection going to do to me nothin.

 

 

I agree that we are great, everyone is reat and don't let anyone tell you differently. of course it sucks at first but realize if there not with you it means there is someone out there better for you.

 

And I won't lie either I think about my ex sometimes as well, but its just like damn i can't believe I'll never see her or talk to her again I wonder what she's up to, then to cleanse my mind from that I remember her being a cheater and always telling me what to do then I smile:). But I hope she finds a good man and doesn't cheat on me I'd rather her not to try to contact me again screw her.

[Surfer Dude]

Nothing could be more important than loving yourself. People think it's selfish to hold yourself in high regard, but think again. If you don't love yourself, how can you have enough love for another person? You would just absorb other person's value instead of giving it. It's impossible to give out something you don't have, that's why people often confuse desperation and neediness for love.

 

When you fall in love (in most cases), do you actually become a provider of love? No, you become it's absorber, you want to feel other person's love more than anything in the world. You are getting validation and emotional support that you need so badly.

 

Once you fall in love with yourself, you can start loving others too, because love becomes plentiful for you. It's not scarce anymore. But when you fall in love with yourself, you actually realize that you don't need anyone to love you, because you have already become love and you feel love for everything around you, you start loving life, that's the beauty of things.

 

[LikeCharlotte]

awww... and kiz is back again! I love your posts. I have to say that I never lost myself, but I had already learned this lesson long before my last relationship. Still, you won't ever hear me mock Radiohead wisdom. Yay Thom.

More apt for me but from the same song - "Ive given all I can, its not enough" That is the lesson I learned.

 

I am also here from the other side (somewhere around the same 7 months I'm guessing) and yeah sometimes I think about it but I am happier now even though my life has fallen apart and I am rebuilding... it was not because of a break up. I never thought I needed him. I never lost me. I fully accepted that he was not willing to keep working on it. Heartbreak hurts plain and simple. You have to grieve and when you are through you are better for the journey. I learned lots... and kiz obviously did. Nothing great comes without discomfort and work. I know now that I am perfectly capable of all the things he doubted I could do. I'm doing them all just fine!

[Trialbyfire]

Boundaries. So...you give. Are you getting? Or are you giving more and more, to keep it together? Don't lose yourself the next time around.

 

While you might believe they're your best friend, it's a parasitic friendship when you get consumed by someone else's ungiving needs.

[Meaplus3]

Kizik, What a wonderfully postive post.. this is so nice to see. I agree with you that you have to be your own best friend. It's so important to love yourself . This quote came to mind after reading your post "Self-love is the instrument of our preservation." So glad to hear your doing well.

 

 

Mea:)

[inulg]

so what i'm getting from this is...that... maybe... just MAYBEEEE... being dumped (because of selfish reasons) makes you a better stronger person????? making us more awesomer than the losers that tossed us? also also, maybe making us closer to finding *the one*???????

 

lol just daydreaming a bit here..

[kizik]

so what i'm getting from this is...that... maybe... just MAYBEEEE... being dumped (because of selfish reasons) makes you a better stronger person?????

 

Inulg,

 

being dumped doesn't inherently make you a stronger person - it's how you deal with it that makes you strong. For example, I stopped contacting her after the breakup, didn't beg or plead, and thus retained a bit of dignity, pride and self-esteem. I recorded music, a lot of which talked about how I felt being kicked to the curb by her.

 

And as I said, got a new job and started at a new school, all that sh*t.

 

So, you have to somehow twist it into something positive. You are finally free to do whatever pleases you - whereas perhaps in the R, you were criticized for simply doing things you liked.

 

You are the master of your own world now, and no one can tell you what to do... hopefully, ever again!

[alwayssme]

Kizik, how long has it been since your break-up?

I have seen you on the forums but I'm not familiar with your story and would like to hear it.

Congrats on bettering yourself, It's something I'm trying to do at this moment

[kizik]

Hey,

 

7 months. My story doesn't matter - it's the same for all of us - but, I loved her and she didn't love me.

 

Thanks for the congrats. We all need to respect ourselves more. Don't waste time with people who make you feel bad about yourself; don't hang with negative people in general. Take care of yourself first, always. The moment you feel yourself start to slip - reassess.

 

For example, sometimes I objectively listen to myself when I'm talking to women, and if I hear myself soften or change, or be someone I'm not - I recognize that, and run back to my unique, crass, terrible sense of humor. If she doesn't like it - too bad - she's uptight and I don't wanna be around that.

 

This is my ramble rant.

[Trialbyfire]

For example, sometimes I objectively listen to myself when I'm talking to women, and if I hear myself soften or change, or be someone I'm not - I recognize that, and run back to my unique, crass, terrible sense of humor. If she doesn't like it - too bad - she's uptight and I don't wanna be around that.

kizik, why not take that one step further in viewing the other person as someone with a different style, rather than demonizing them? Does that make sense?

[kizik]

kizik, why not take that one step further in viewing the other person as someone with a different style, rather than demonizing them? Does that make sense?

 

I'm not demonizing anyone, TBF. The fact is that I am going to be myself, which does not mean being rude, BTW. Lately I've been pretty able to tell when someone's company is not right for me (male OR female) based upon their responses to me. In other words, the way someone makes you feel is an appropriate measure for whether or not someone can be a friend.

 

But, I appreciate your advice to try to be open-minded to "styles". Unfortunately, styles I will never respect are those that are humorless, judgmental, and critical. So, if someone's treating me that way - see ya!

 

Life's too short to feel like you're annoying someone.

[orangehose]

 

It may feel like the end of the world. But Thom Yorke of Radiohead really hits it when he sings in Karma Police:

 

"For a minute / I lost myself."

 

 

Heh, that was one of my post-breakup songs. And the lyrics had me thinking the same thing.

 

I hear you about trying to be more aware of how you modulate your personality in response to another person's reaction. I also pay more attention now to how comfortable I feel with a person, and whether I'm trying too hard to please. Because trying too hard to please gets thrown back in your face at the end of the day

 

Thanks for the motivational post - hopefully it helps some of the newly bereaved as well.

[kizik]

I hear you about trying to be more aware of how you modulate your personality in response to another person's reaction. I also pay more attention now to how comfortable I feel with a person, and whether I'm trying too hard to please.

 

Wow o.h., you said what I was trying to say. YES. I often find myself trying to hard to please, but this is almost 100% around women. It's like I told my friend Justin when we were chilling - "I like hanging out with guys more, because since I'm not trying to f*ck them, I can just be myself."

 

I think it's really hard for me not to "modulate" myself around women, b/c men of my generation are taught so much to please women. Unfortunately, it's made us into a bunch of whiny p*ssies. So, we need to basically get back to not caring.

 

This is way off-topic, but it's something Glover addresses in No More Mr. Nice Guy and is endlessly fascinating to me.

[EmperorR]

This is way off-topic, but it's something Glover addresses in No More Mr. Nice Guy and is endlessly fascinating to me.

 

 

Reading that book right now, wish I found it years ago.

[Trialbyfire]

I'm not demonizing anyone, TBF. The fact is that I am going to be myself, which does not mean being rude, BTW. Lately I've been pretty able to tell when someone's company is not right for me (male OR female) based upon their responses to me. In other words, the way someone makes you feel is an appropriate measure for whether or not someone can be a friend.

 

But, I appreciate your advice to try to be open-minded to "styles". Unfortunately, styles I will never respect are those that are humorless, judgmental, and critical. So, if someone's treating me that way - see ya!

 

Life's too short to feel like you're annoying someone.

I won't disagree that life is too short to worry about what people think of you.

 

Having said that, it's also too short to reverse discriminate due to differences. Everyone judges, no matter how non-judgemental they believe they are. Non-judgementalism is a form of judgement, in that the person who is that way, believes themselves to be above judgementalism. Do you see the self-leveraging going on within this dynamic?

 

Life is a learning process, about others, ourselves and the dynamics between. The extreme sides to this are people who learn who they are but are unwilling to move in the least for anyone else; and others who get pushed and pulled with every environmental change, reliant on others to define who they are.

 

I think you'll find out later that applying any self-help book to any degree, will require moderation on your part. As it stands, I'm sure you're already aware of this.

 

You've come a long way and will continue to morph. Good luck with your self journey.

[kizik]

Non-judgementalism is a form of judgement, in that the person who is that way, believes themselves to be above judgementalism. Do you see the self-leveraging going on within this dynamic?

 

I can see your point, but I refuse to argue semantics with you. I'm not above sh*t, I simply try to be accepting and open-minded. This is not "reverse discrimination" nor is it "self-leveraging". It's just trying to accept humans for who they are.

 

Not everything needs to be something, and not everyone who posts anything on these boards is wrong, TBF. There is something about you that always wants to be right and/or have the last word. That aint the point of this thread. It was made to maybe help someone and now it's slight bickering between old "friends."

 

You've come a long way and will continue to morph. Good luck with your self journey.

 

Thank you, I appreciate that.

[lonelygurl]

Thank you for posting this.

 

I am in a black hole of depression with my recent breakup and all I want to do is sleep.

 

This gives me hope that there is an end to this pain.

[kizik]

Hi there,

 

I completely understand your depression, and I promise you you'll get through it. It just takes time. You also have to take steps towards accepting the new changes, and bettering your life. But for now, just post here, talk to friends and family, exercise, take care of yourself, and realize that you are a great person and everything will be OK.