Bfs Mom

[MusicChick24]

My BF and I have been together for 3 yrs. His mom is pre-menapausal and basically either has good or bad days. She's either REALLY nice or REALLY bitchy and lately she's been really nice, however I just found out that she used to think I was cheating on her son.

 

This doesn't really make sense. I interned at the Elementary School she worked at in the 5th grade (because I'm in college to be a teacher) and I met a substitute (in his 20s) he I spoke to and worked with often. We might have flirted but he was aware of my bf and I introduced him to my bf towards the end of the year when my bf dropped in towards the end of my day and the substitute came over to talk. In his moms opinion I flirted too much with him and he returned my "passes". This was at the beginning of year but I do still speak to the substitute and have a friendship with him. We've went out for drinks and he's offered to buy my breakfast, take me out etc. In the past he expressed interest in me but I've always been upfront about my relationship. Plus, my bf has plenty of friends that have liked him or like him currently but he only regards as friends and I don't ask him to lose the relationship. He expressed that he doesn't want me to talk to the guy, but I hardly talk to him mostly over text or IM and I don't see him much anymore. He has invited me out or offered to visit me at college but it's never worked out.

 

His mom doesn't think I'm cheating on my bf anymore because I haven't mentioned my friendship with this guy, should I still worry? And should I give up my friendship because bf feel insecure I never asked him to give up his friends? Do you think he'll get over it? I'm not cheating on him and he says he isn't afraid I am and expressed to his mother in the past that he had no worries.

 

<3

[carhill]

How "rough" is his parent's marriage?

 

She might be projecting her own issues onto you and him.

 

It's his job to deal with his parents (mom). It's part of becoming a man

 

Re: friends and flirting. You and he are still young, but have been together a long time. Absent his mother, is this really a problem for the two of you? Sounds like you each have a number of opposite-sex friends and are comfortable with your boundaries. Your thoughts?

[MusicChick24]

How "rough" is his parent's marriage?

 

She might be projecting her own issues onto you and him.

 

It's his job to deal with his parents (mom). It's part of becoming a man

 

Re: friends and flirting. You and he are still young, but have been together a long time. Absent his mother, is this really a problem for the two of you? Sounds like you each have a number of opposite-sex friends and are comfortable with your boundaries. Your thoughts?

 

Well I think his parent's marriage is good but his mom is pre-menstural and that can be rough on a marriage and well any human relationship. Him and I both have lots of opposite sex friends and its no issue to our relationship. He has dealt with his mom, but says that he can't change her mind but HE doesn't think I'm cheating so he doesn't care. But for some reason he doesn't like my friendship with the guy even though he tells me he trusts me...that part I don't understand. Lots of his female friends have made me uncomfortable but I don't tell him to cut ties because I don't believe that is my place... thoughts?

[carhill]

So, the "rough marriage" comment you made in your other post was specifically regarding his mother's peri-menopause? I just want to be clear.

 

Has his mother mentioned any of his other female friends as threats? I ask, because, if just this one, even though he says things dismissing her opinion (and she says she's changed hers), his actions are speaking otherwise. I think his mother's input runs deep; this is normal for some men, but they usually grow out of it. It's almost at a subconscious level.

 

Do you note his mother's words or views in other of his actions and perspectives? This may offer some clue.

 

A good rule of thumb is when words are negative, believe them. When words are positive, make sure they're backed up with positive actions. Where there's conflict between positive words and actions, believe the actions.

 

This young man is also ambivalent about marriage as well, IIRC. Perhaps this is all wrapped up in one package, so to speak. Have you told him directly that you'll cut contact with this one particular friend? If yes, what was his reaction?

[MusicChick24]

So, the "rough marriage" comment you made in your other post was specifically regarding his mother's peri-menopause? I just want to be clear.

 

Has his mother mentioned any of his other female friends as threats? I ask, because, if just this one, even though he says things dismissing her opinion (and she says she's changed hers), his actions are speaking otherwise. I think his mother's input runs deep; this is normal for some men, but they usually grow out of it. It's almost at a subconscious level.

 

Do you note his mother's words or views in other of his actions and perspectives? This may offer some clue.

 

A good rule of thumb is when words are negative, believe them. When words are positive, make sure they're backed up with positive actions. Where there's conflict between positive words and actions, believe the actions.

 

This young man is also ambivalent about marriage as well, IIRC. Perhaps this is all wrapped up in one package, so to speak. Have you told him directly that you'll cut contact with this one particular friend? If yes, what was his reaction?

 

 

In reference to my past post about his mothers marriage it did have relationship to her pre-menipause before I knew that's what she was going through. His mother doesn't know about his female friends, well she knows about them but he doesn't hang out with them and very rarely talks to them on the phone. Now that we are in college and most of his close female friends are still in HS he talks to them on the internet and keeps it from his mom. I told him that I wasn't going to cut contact with this friend because I didn't think it was fair if he was allowed to contact his female friend that made me feel uneasy. Niether one of us are cheating so why does it matter?

 

Anyways, I thought he was okay with it because I didn't hear any more of it until yesterday I receieved a text from my friend who said he wanted to buy my breakfast but I wasn't around, I lightly mentioned it to bf and he said that he was glad I didn't go and I told him I would have went but I wasn't awake and didn't get text. Then he didn't say anymore till I was usuing his laptop to get online at his house and I signed on AIM...I got an offline IM from the friend saying he'd noticed I hadn't been online lately (I was waiting on a new laptop charger to be shipped). Then bf mentions that he wished I wouldn't talk to the guy and I asked why? He didn't explain but went on to tell me his mom had thought I was cheating on him.

 

I do wonder if this friend has a thing for me because he sent me countless texts this morning wanting me to come visit him at the elementary school and have lunch with him and the students. He knows this isn't a good idea it would only bring back his mothers feelings because she works at the school he was at today.

 

His mom thought this awhile ago, but bf only sometimes says he doesn't want me to communicate with this guy. And I fear that his whole family thinks I'm cheating on him because his mom is a gossip queen and when she thinks something...she tells EVERYONE.

 

Sorry so long.

[carhill]

I'm going to suggest something. Feel free to disagree and do otherwise....

 

Do not question his relationships with his female friends. You know that you do instinctively trust him and did prior to all this happening and he's given you no reason to not trust him. The only yellow flag there is sometimes, for some people, their own faults are subconsciously projected onto another. I doubt this is the case here, but mention it for clarity.

 

Do make it a specific point to discuss this male friend with him, being honest about all contacts and that you yourself are starting to wonder if the friendship is appropriate. Be positive always. Make affirmative statements. This is what I see. This is what I think. This is what I'm going to do for the health of our relationship. Then, listen to his response.

 

This may seem like you're making a big sacrifice and are "bending" a lot, but look at the reality of it. You're prioritizing your relationship with your BF and showing him exactly how. Tell him this is how you want to feel with him, like you're his priority, and that you appreciate the efforts he makes to this end. If he asks you "what", then be specific. Then, carry on and watch his actions and see if they match what you want from the relationship.

[MusicChick24]

I'm going to suggest something. Feel free to disagree and do otherwise....

 

Do not question his relationships with his female friends. You know that you do instinctively trust him and did prior to all this happening and he's given you no reason to not trust him. The only yellow flag there is sometimes, for some people, their own faults are subconsciously projected onto another. I doubt this is the case here, but mention it for clarity.

 

Do make it a specific point to discuss this male friend with him, being honest about all contacts and that you yourself are starting to wonder if the friendship is appropriate. Be positive always. Make affirmative statements. This is what I see. This is what I think. This is what I'm going to do for the health of our relationship. Then, listen to his response.

 

This may seem like you're making a big sacrifice and are "bending" a lot, but look at the reality of it. You're prioritizing your relationship with your BF and showing him exactly how. Tell him this is how you want to feel with him, like you're his priority, and that you appreciate the efforts he makes to this end. If he asks you "what", then be specific. Then, carry on and watch his actions and see if they match what you want from the relationship.

 

 

You make a really good point. I will discuss it with him sooner than later.