spookie Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 I broke down crying in the bathroom at work today. He came over to my bay to talk to some of the guys about girls. One them he dated but "no dice" and another one is hot but an alcoholic. He is all the boys I've ever loved in high school, outgoing, intelligent, athletic; and his rejection is playing on all my worst insecurities. (At this point I think our lack of relationship is due not to the fact that he's my boss, but the fact that he's not interested, in me.) Hearing his laughter all day long has become likes nails on a chalkboard and I am so stressed out at work I know it must show through. I have to take walks every so often or I freak out and hyperventilate. I don't know what to do. I'm considering looking for another job.
Author spookie Posted December 19, 2008 Author Posted December 19, 2008 I friended him on FB. His wall is littered with social invites and posts from girls offering to buy him drinks. This is going to be my new favorite masochistic hobby.
Trialbyfire Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 I friended him on FB. His wall is littered with social invites and posts from girls offering to buy him drinks. This is going to be my new favorite masochistic hobby. Spook, what does this tell you about the guy?
Nemo Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 On a positive note, he's looking for action. Just bide your time, and he's almost certain to whip it out for you.
pretty lies Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 I know its tempting but I suggest you try to wean yourself off of it now. I'm not exactly sure what you're history is with this guy, but I think most people at some point come across someone with whom they have a weird, unhealthy attraction to. I've been that girl in the bathroom before, and it sucks. It is, however, one of those things that once you get over, feels extremely liberating.
Author spookie Posted December 19, 2008 Author Posted December 19, 2008 Spook, what does this tell you about the guy? What I already knew: that he's desirable.
Nemo Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 His wall is littered with social invites and posts from girls offering to buy him drinks. Obviously he's choosy about who he invests his time in. This is very encouraging news for a lasting relationship. His being selective is a sure sign that he believes in love's blossoming potential.
Author spookie Posted December 19, 2008 Author Posted December 19, 2008 Obviously he's choosy about who he invests his time in. This is very encouraging news for a lasting relationship. His being selective is a sure sign that he believes in love's blossoming potential. Well, most of the posts sound desperate. "If you come out with us, first drink's on me!" That kind of thing. I'm pretty certain he's fairly selective. I mean, he works all the time and he's a professional athlete. I don't think he has that much time to bang dirty ho's, though I'm certain he's no virgin.
Trialbyfire Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 What I already knew: that he's desirable. High demand men tend to create demand. It's an ego feed. Most women aren't aggressive enough to pursue a man unless he puts out strong signals that he's interested. Of course you'll have a small percentage of women who have the guts to do this. You have to ask yourself how serious a guy is, when he's broadcasting strong interest to so many women. That's one big ego. Time to pull back and shut down on this guy. RUNNNNNNNNN unless you want to play the game. If so, you'd better play it much, much better.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 Are you sure he's not interested in you, or is your insecurity making you feel that way?
Nemo Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 I think he's trying to make her jealous. He wants to get her really wet before he moves in for the thrill.
shadowplay Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 Spookie, I'm worried about you. Things have been going so well in your life. I'm really proud of the progress you've made. Don't ruin it over some guy. No guy is worth that. You've got to stop hinging your happiness on him. Maybe you're seeing now that he's not the guy you thought he was. If you ever need to talk, you know where to find me.
Nemo Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 Let the sexual tension build up until it gets to critical mass. There's nothing quite like nuclear sex.
shadowplay Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 I also agree with TBF that he's probably the type of guy who flirts with a ton of women. Is this the kind of guy you'd want to get involved with? Frankly I think it was classless the way he broadcasted about his dates and the hotness of various women in front of you. It's kind of a social faux pas for people to do that when a single member of the opposite gender is present, especially in a professional setting. I always lose respect for guys who don't keep their private lives private. You can learn a lot about a guy from the way he conducts himself around other men.
Trialbyfire Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 You have to harden your heart spook, to play with a guy like this. It's all a game to him that he doesn't take seriously. He loves the attention it brings him. Even if you land him, one woman won't be enough to satisfy that over-inflated ego. The more attention he gets, the more he needs. Forget the softer emotions with this guy, and never, never let someone do this to you again. Your self-worth isn't reliant on how others view you. It's how you view yourself. YOU.
Author spookie Posted December 20, 2008 Author Posted December 20, 2008 Ok. I've chilled out a little. Now I'm trying to figure out what it is about guys like him that draws me to them - becuase what I learned from his FB confirmed what I had figured about his personality just through our interactions. I know he woudln't be a good partner. Why is does that not seem to factor in my attraction? I know I lose respect for guys who really want to be with me because they really want to be in a relationship, and wanting a semi-player is like the slip side of that coin - if I got him, I'd feel like I was really special - but I've pursued guys like this enough to know how badly it ends. As soon as you show any vulnerability, or make any indication that you care, it tends to be over. So, knowing this, why am I still so intrigued>
Meet 4 Coffee Posted December 21, 2008 Posted December 21, 2008 I would take it easy with him now because by seeking him out on Facebook and asking him to be your friend, you kinda made the first move, since it's communication outside work. I kinda think he knows you like him in that way now. I'd so play it cool now.
shadowplay Posted December 21, 2008 Posted December 21, 2008 Because emotions are irrational. Wanting what you can't have is human nature, but this need is especially strong in two types of people: those with low self esteem and those with an over-inflated ego. In both cases, the individual sees their object of desire as a reflection of what they want to be. So if they "win over" that object, it inflates their own sense of self worth. They don't have a stable inner sense of confidence so they need outside things (other people, status symbols, material goods....whatever) to make them feel good about themselves. You belong to the low self esteem category, imo. You're confident in some ways, but I think deep down there's a sense of inadequacy or "differentness" ingrained in your soul. Growing up you were an outsider and you still feel like an outsider in many ways. Winning over the Mr. Popular that you idealized in high school feels like it would be the ultimate acceptance, righting all the wrongs and amending all the feelings of rejection you've accumulated over the years. You've created a paradox for yourself. What you ultimately want you can never attain because the minute somebody completely accepts you and becomes vulnerable, you will devalue them in some way. Why? Because you are so convinced of your own "craziness" or whatever you want to call it that somebody who appreciates you must be flawed in some way. You won't be a part of any club that will have you as a member. The only way out of this conundrum is recognizing the difference between what you want and what you need. Basically to break the cycle you have to find some other source of confidence that isn't the affection of another person. Once you feel good about yourself, you'll appreciate somebody who treats you well.
Author spookie Posted December 21, 2008 Author Posted December 21, 2008 Because emotions are irrational. Wanting what you can't have is human nature, but this need is especially strong in two types of people: those with low self esteem and those with an over-inflated ego. In both cases, the individual sees their object of desire as a reflection of what they want to be. So if they "win over" that object, it inflates their own sense of self worth. They don't have a stable inner sense of confidence so they need outside things (other people, status symbols, material goods....whatever) to make them feel good about themselves. You belong to the low self esteem category, imo. You're confident in some ways, but I think deep down there's a sense of inadequacy or "differentness" ingrained in your soul. Growing up you were an outsider and you still feel like an outsider in many ways. Winning over the Mr. Popular that you idealized in high school feels like it would be the ultimate acceptance, righting all the wrongs and amending all the feelings of rejection you've accumulated over the years. You've created a paradox for yourself. What you ultimately want you can never attain because the minute somebody completely accepts you and becomes vulnerable, you will devalue them in some way. Why? Because you are so convinced of your own "craziness" or whatever you want to call it that somebody who appreciates you must be flawed in some way. You won't be a part of any club that will have you as a member. The only way out of this conundrum is recognizing the difference between what you want and what you need. Basically to break the cycle you have to find some other source of confidence that isn't the affection of another person. Once you feel good about yourself, you'll appreciate somebody who treats you well. You can be so wise. With these Mr. Populars, I'm *exactly* recreating situations from my childhood which I hope to win this time around, using my ever-expanding knowledge of what people think is important. It's so stupid because I know even if I win, I don't really win. And usually, I just end up feeling like I'm in the 7th grade, lusting with all my soul after Leo Vrana, soccer star, "best personality", straight-A student - who never so much as said a word to me in the 4 years I was infatuated with him. With Wes-the-only-ex-I-ever-loved, I think it worked out because he was all those boys, or he *could* be, but he was also crazy enough to be able to connect with me and understand me. I was able to respect him, cause I thought he was a good catch, and he stuck around cause he wasn't really after being Mr. Popular in the first place. I loved him even when he showed vulnerability, but he didn't do so often enough for me to feel like I was winning. With that crazy dynamic, we were able to make it all those years. Given that I allow myself to "lose" it over someone I'm not even dating, I know I need to take more time off from thinking about guys to focus on my life. I don't know what it is that makes me *need* to have always have at least a prospect, romantically, but that's another thing I need to get over. I wish it weren't so much easier said than done.
BlueEyedGirl Posted December 21, 2008 Posted December 21, 2008 Because emotions are irrational. Wanting what you can't have is human nature, but this need is especially strong in two types of people: those with low self esteem and those with an over-inflated ego. In both cases, the individual sees their object of desire as a reflection of what they want to be. So if they "win over" that object, it inflates their own sense of self worth. They don't have a stable inner sense of confidence so they need outside things (other people, status symbols, material goods....whatever) to make them feel good about themselves. You belong to the low self esteem category, imo. You're confident in some ways, but I think deep down there's a sense of inadequacy or "differentness" ingrained in your soul. Growing up you were an outsider and you still feel like an outsider in many ways. Winning over the Mr. Popular that you idealized in high school feels like it would be the ultimate acceptance, righting all the wrongs and amending all the feelings of rejection you've accumulated over the years. You've created a paradox for yourself. What you ultimately want you can never attain because the minute somebody completely accepts you and becomes vulnerable, you will devalue them in some way. Why? Because you are so convinced of your own "craziness" or whatever you want to call it that somebody who appreciates you must be flawed in some way. You won't be a part of any club that will have you as a member. The only way out of this conundrum is recognizing the difference between what you want and what you need. Basically to break the cycle you have to find some other source of confidence that isn't the affection of another person. Once you feel good about yourself, you'll appreciate somebody who treats you well. Wow shadowplay, this is brilliant. It helps me as well as I have many things in common with spookie, including a current and (most likely) unrequited crush on my married boss.
blind_otter Posted December 21, 2008 Posted December 21, 2008 Ok. I've chilled out a little. Now I'm trying to figure out what it is about guys like him that draws me to them - becuase what I learned from his FB confirmed what I had figured about his personality just through our interactions. I know he woudln't be a good partner. Why is does that not seem to factor in my attraction? I know I lose respect for guys who really want to be with me because they really want to be in a relationship, and wanting a semi-player is like the slip side of that coin - if I got him, I'd feel like I was really special - but I've pursued guys like this enough to know how badly it ends. As soon as you show any vulnerability, or make any indication that you care, it tends to be over. So, knowing this, why am I still so intrigued> As shadowplay said, you want those who are emotionally unavailable... Personally I think you are just replaying some past issue over and over again - changing the cast of characters but ultimately using the same script. It's because you have that faulty thinking that if you get another chance to re-do the scene, you will somehow get it right this time. But the truth is, you will never get it right because you are selecting characters for the roles that will give you the exact same results, over and over. Plus, the truth is you can never "fix" something bad that happened to you in the past. You must process what happened to set you off on this self defeating cycle in the first place. That's my guess, anyways. I went through this meself, in 2006 when I started my CBT. It was rough going for a while but I got out of the self flagellation cycle that I was stuck in for nearly a decade.
Author spookie Posted December 24, 2008 Author Posted December 24, 2008 This is so frustrating. He has so many sides. There's confident, arrogant Jack. The Jack that scares me at meetings, talking down at people with that stubborn, cocky smile as he raps his hang on the table like he's on coke or something cause he's so far ahead of everyone, in each direction. He's smart, strong, intoxicatingly masculine, and I can see what all women must see in him, and it turns me on. I lose myself in him when he's like this. It isn't good. I came in on Monday determined to be over it. And Monday went well. We barely talked. But then today. He spent the morning going completely out of his way to make sure something worked out for me, going way above and beyond what a good boss would do. He showed tremendous consideration, remembering and acting on something small I'd mentioned months ago. He spent hours going over my work with me, gently teasing me, his genuine, warm, boyish smile lighting up his face. And, the feeling is so powerful, I can't deny it. Call it what you will, but I've only felt it with one other person, and it wasn't this intense. I love him. I'm not getting it wrong. :(:(:(
Author spookie Posted December 24, 2008 Author Posted December 24, 2008 ALL I WANT is to freaking stop time and worship his body for a couple of hours; then restart it and spend a week in bed cuddling. How am I supposed to release these emotions?
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted December 24, 2008 Posted December 24, 2008 OMG I feel your pain. That's the way I feel about my crush. He's tall, with broad shoulders, very manly but with a boyish cute face. He's so yummy. He teases me so much too. He will be really affectionate, hugging me and rubbing my back, telling me that his day always gets better when I show up. I had a sex dream with him in it the other day. Wow, that was amazing. He's kind of a jerk, though. He would make a terrible boyfriend. You don't want to let it go, don't fool yourself. You're frustrated but you love it. It feeds many fantasies for you.
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