The only one trying in our marriage

[unhappyinnc]

My husband and I have been married for 18 years and have four teens. Over the years my husband had done drugs off and on. At 40 he had a midlife crisis and left our family . We reconciled and he started going to church and is clean. We have been together for the last 8 years. The last 2 years we got caught up in economy crisis. My husband had to cash in his retirement, sell his vintage cars to pay our bills. We went to a counselor that was a friend of my husband pastor. That would be natural territory. for 3 that his pastor recommended that I liked.We went for 3 sessions. He ask my husband if he knew what a midlife crisis was and told him not to leave his family that would big a huge mistake . The counselor was nice and seemed to be really getting to our problem, But then my husband refused to go back the the two weeks later, My husband did leave for 45 days and sleptd at his office on a couch. After weeks of him taking our children out everyday and shunning me and acting mean to me. One day I just blew up on the phone with him and told him Enough! Come home or else I am getting a separation and he came home. But still acted the same. Meantime We sold our big home and moved back to the smaller one we could sell. My husband sold his business and took all the money and put it in his name. He eventually gave me some. But refuses to talk about money. He does not give me any spending money like he used to or write little notes in the morning for me, not anymore.No flowers either. He Says he is unhappy. Has become less affection and loving acts depressed and angry. I suggested marriage counseling again he said that he would only go to his pastor, That did not go well. All we did is sit there for three hours each session and listening to the pastor talk about bibical principles, we weren't allowed to say much at all. We went ot 5 sessions and did not help. My husband is really into religion, but seems to pick and choose which principles to follow. Anyway my husband knew this pastor for 8 years and I am sure they talked alot and the pastor onlyheard his side of our story. he did not want to do that, I said well go to a counselor for yourself and he did. This counselor he knew and had been going to off and on for several years. The counselor told him he would be okay whether he stayed in his marriage or not. I was like what the hell! You would think that the counselor would see he is has a marriage and and family and would encourage him to stay and work on things out. Then the counselor said he might not ever be able to give again physically or mentally there is alot of hurt. So I start thinking we need to see a marraige counselor.I repeatedly ask him to schedule an appoinetment. Weeks went by and we discussed a marriage counselor agian he said that I could call the 1st counselor and he would go. Well then his pastor called the next day and my husband changed his mind and will not go to marriage counsel. He said that it would not be fair to his pastor and that that might hurt his feelings. His pastor was the one who referred the first cousnelor. At this point who is more important the pastor or your wife? So I called his pastor and told him that our family is falling apart and the kids are acting out, my husband is not loving to me or affectionate and I do not know what to do. His pastor told me that he talk to myhusband and told myhusband if he wanted to go to the counselor he had to be the one to call, to know that was what my husband wanted. I ask the pastor what should we do, He said he could not do anything for me. Wow that was a blow. What kind of pastor does he have, that would shut the door in my face when I was seeking help? i do not like his pastor or the church he goes to. My husband actually gives 10% in the offereing tray and after selling his business he gave the church 10% of that as well. he has threatened to give all our money to the church. the other day he wanted to change change our will. leaving all the money to the kids. we can't agree on anything. For the last 8 weeks we have argued and my husband is more distant than ever. He doesn't touch me or hold me making love only happens if I iniacte it.He says he has given everything to everybody and he feels and he cannot give anymore. When he finshes working his salary from the sell of the bussiness he will not he will not go out of his way to make anymore money than he has too and does not care. He will not go to a different cousnelor nor will he read any of the marriage books I ordered to repair our marriage, I have repeatedly ask him to let me go to work with him for the past two months and he has never taken me. I write him cards and buy small gifts and stay upbeat and positive. I always ask him how he feels and what I can do. He says well you should have thought about that 2 years ago. It's too late now. I don't know if I will ever be able to open my heart again.Yesterday he went to his counselor and said tht he should not discuss religion with me anymore. everything I have tried to do to fix our marriage he has shot down. I pray everyday and recite scripture to him. he gets mad and says he loves me and that si why he is here. he says that he needs to work on himself right now.he seems to give the kids love and be affectionate with them, But when it comes to me I get the cold shoulder. I reassure him everyday I love him and want our marriage to work. But he does not try . I ask him why we do not go to counseling, we need it and he said becasue all counselor want to do is open up everything and find the problem , then telll you what you should and should not do to make it work. I was like well isn't that what your counselor your doing with you? He said yes. I was like well don't we deserve to be fixed too. He your right. I am frustrated and feel I have bent over backward to work on our marriage.Fixing dinners and cleaning house more than usual. Biting my tongue when he says sarcastic things to me or puts himself down. I feel he has people on his side that are negative and fueling to our problem. I do not make enough money to keep the family adrift. It is hard to find a good paying job with the economy the way it is. I love my husband and have always honored my vows. It looks hopeless at this point. i have tried everything form trying to build his ego to folowing the bibical principles to the love dare to being depressed and helpless, I am going crazy. Does anyone have any advice. I know you are going to say to separate, But donot you think we have enough broken marraiges out there we really do not need anymore. I believe in marraige and God does not create chaios, God does not separate people and hurt familes. This is not of God doings. I want to believe that My marraige can be saved. Please pray for my family.I need to go pray, MY faith is weak today. I am sorry God I am lacking in faith.

[BikerBeagle]

I'm sure there's a better one out there, but what's the old saying? ..."In God we trust, all others pay cash"? Look, I'm not a religious man and, therefore, probably not the best advice-giver in this situation, but I think it's ignorant to place your faith in God to 'fix' your problems for you. Obviously, your husband is no longer in your marriage ...for whatever reason, and my guess would be that he's chosen his church over you ...and now it is up to you to live with that (for your religious beliefs) or get the heck out of the situation (for your own self-preservation). God is not going to reach down his hand and change his mind. You have given him every opportunity and chance in the world to correct this situation and he's refused every time.

 

It's time you stop suggesting to see a counselor and start seeing a lawyer ...and God isn't going to come down and drive you there. If you fail to act to preserve your own sanity, you have no one else to blame when you finally go insane.

[quankanne]

sounds like a HUGE part of the problem is the pastor he is seeking guidance from, because, bless his heart, it seems like this guy doesn't know his butt from a hole in the ground, he's giving horrible advice.

 

maybe it's time to look for a resource outside the church, a counselor who is spiritual in nature but who also has a wider view of what's going on, not just saying blah blah to one partner and "I can't do anything for you" to the other, that's rather lame for someone who is supposed to minister to BOTH of you!

 

am also wondering if your husband is in some kind of mental funk and might benefit from talking to a trained psychologist to get to the meat of the matter. That might help him put into perspective why you've become the whipping boy, even though he truly believes he loves you.

 

I know you're feeling really, really bad about all of this, and wondering why God is allowing this. They say that He doesn't give you more than you can bear; what they don't say is that he gives you the graces needed to get you through the rough patches! So, keep the faith, honey.

 

hugs,

quank

[ReeWoo]

The pastor is a pastor, not a counselor. Not that you are going to get your husband to understand that.