ratingsguy Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 A few Saturday nights ago, I had a date with a woman I met on-line. We spoke on the phone and she seemed nice, so we decided to meet. We went to a nice restaurant and had a couple drinks at the bar. I got the impression that she was a little stuck up, but despite that, I liked her. In any event, we chatted for about 3 hours about all kinds of things. We were hitting it off pretty well, I think. After the date, she suggested that we get together again soon, which sounded good to me. So the next day I sent her an e-mail thanking her for the date and saying that I looked forward to seeing her again. Here was her response: It was nice meeting you, too. However, I realized that we have more differences than similarities with our interests and ideologies. In addition, skiing is an integral part of my life and that is very important for me to share with someone who is on a similar level. I wish you well with your journey through [the dating website]. So I'm disqualified in-part because I don't ski? Seriously -- in your opinion, is that petty or perfectly valid? Just wondering what everyone thinks.
Chinook Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 Well, if she only goes ski-ing one time during the year then yes, it's an excuse... and a poor one, afterall it can be fun getting your partner involved in the same activities you do and watching them grow doing it. Additionally it can help you two to bond. So she's saying she doesn't want to do that. However, if she goes ski-ing every other weekend during the season, then yes, I think she has a valid point because although it can be nice to share with your partner.... when your own enjoyment is stunted, it can become a bit of a bind after a while. So, if she already sees that... then she's simply stating it as a fact. I think she's probably half used it as an excuse but then it would have probably become a valid issue down the line. Plus, she could have just faded on you without saying anything at all (as seems to be the bad mannered response of a lot of people these days if they don't wish to take things further). Does it mean you have to become ski-hot...? Nope. I don't think so. You are who you are and at some point that will be just right for someone. Just keep positive and keep trying
BikerBeagle Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 Well, like Chinook said, it depends on how often she goes ...and I would think that if this was such an integral part of her life, that it would've come up in conversation during your date, and mentioned in her profile, so it really shouldn't come as a surprise, does it? I'd feel the same way about riding a motorcycle ...if my date wasn't into that, we probably wouldn't have much compatibility - even if everything else was great - because I ride every weekend for 3 of the 4 seasons of the year.
Lauriebell82 Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 A few Saturday nights ago, I had a date with a woman I met on-line. We spoke on the phone and she seemed nice, so we decided to meet. We went to a nice restaurant and had a couple drinks at the bar. I got the impression that she was a little stuck up, but despite that, I liked her. In any event, we chatted for about 3 hours about all kinds of things. We were hitting it off pretty well, I think. After the date, she suggested that we get together again soon, which sounded good to me. So the next day I sent her an e-mail thanking her for the date and saying that I looked forward to seeing her again. Here was her response: It was nice meeting you, too. However, I realized that we have more differences than similarities with our interests and ideologies. In addition, skiing is an integral part of my life and that is very important for me to share with someone who is on a similar level. I wish you well with your journey through [the dating website]. So I'm disqualified in-part because I don't ski? Seriously -- in your opinion, is that petty or perfectly valid? Just wondering what everyone thinks. Well, you gotta give her some props for creativity! Seriously thought, sorry to say that it sounds like a blowoff to me. I would never dump a guy because he didn't ski! I guess I could see that if she had a season pass and went skiing all the time she wouldn't be around much during ski season and she may be thinking that she wouldn't be available, but seriously it's mid December there are only a few more months in the snow season! It was kind of crappy to soften the blow by saying she wishes you well through your journey. That sounds like a greeting card or something! I'd just lose this girl she sounds like she is just blowing you off.
Author ratingsguy Posted December 19, 2008 Author Posted December 19, 2008 It's funny because I did tell her prior to the date that I have never skiied, and therefore do not have an opinion on it one way or another. Despite that, she was interested in meeting me. I'm not heartbroken or anything, because she did seem kind of stuck up to me. Just wondering what everyone else thought.
Lauriebell82 Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 It's funny because I did tell her prior to the date that I have never skiied, and therefore do not have an opinion on it one way or another. Despite that, she was interested in meeting me. I'm not heartbroken or anything, because she did seem kind of stuck up to me. Just wondering what everyone else thought. It was probably a lame excuse then. She either was just being nice at the restaurant because someone was interested in her or she wanted a free meal/drinks (if you paid.) Then when she got home she realized she "wasn't into you" therefore came up with a lame excuse to blow you off because she was too chicken to tell you she didn't want another date. She sure sounds stuck up to me.
runner Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 what a lame response. if she were into you, she'd teach you how to ski and even give you some nekkid indoor instruction
sunshinegirl Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 Bottom line is that she just didn't feel it with you. It was kind of silly to include the skiing reason given that she could have just stopped after the previous sentence (more differences than similarities). Still, I can imagine wanting to meet a guy in person who doesn't share a lot of my interests because I want to see whether there are any sparks that might override a desire I have to share climbing or running or hiking or whatever activity with someone. If I didn't feel any chemistry, I would have probably written something similar as she did (though I would have left out the gratuitous mention of the sport/activity in question). I'm not convinced her response makes her snobby or stuck up. Clumsy and unnecessary maybe. Though if it makes you feel better to think of her as a snob, go for it.
kashmir Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 You should respond to her with something like what she wrote, but instead of skiing say something ridiculous, "Hey. It was nice meeting you too, but unfortunately, bestiality is an important part of my life and it's vital that I have someone to share that activity with me frequently, and by that I mean a woman who's willing to let a few farm animals and maybe a reptile or two into bed. Good luck with your journey!"
Trialbyfire Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 ratingsguy, let's pretend that you enjoy watching a particular sport, where it's playoff time. Let's pretend this woman hates watching sports and considers anyone who does this, a couch potato and instead wants someone who will go out and party with her all the time, forget the sport. Would you disqualify her?
Star Gazer Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 Hahahaha! I was actually going to start a thread about this, but from HER perspective. I have fallen in LOVE with skiing. I want to go every single weekend, if my schedule and the weather permit. I've recently met and and went on a couple dates with two different guys. One is an avid skiier. The other has never skiied or snowboarded and has absolutely no interest in ever going. I actually like the latter one more, but the former one honestly feels more compatible. Not because the latter has never skiied, but because he has no interest in going. So it really depends on how into skiing she is... but honestly, I can relate to how she feels. I'd feel the same way about it, just as I would with someone who doesn't like to travel or drink wine, my two other FAVORITE things to do. Shared interests are very important in a relationship.
flc Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 I think it can be valid, I am on my bike 8-10 hours a week, my partner has to be able to either join me or decide that she is willing to lose me for that amount of time. This is one issue that contributed to my divorce my wife did not ride and resented me being gone even though I made sure to keep it to an hour after work a night and early 7a-10a on weekends.
prettybaby Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 Bells, is that you? Seriously though, some people have strange priorities lol
kashmir Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 I agree that it's valid too, but if she really liked you she would suggest teaching you to ski. If she did really like you but wasn't willing to help you learn, then she's a snob. Teaching people you like is fun and is a great way to spend time with them (teaching people you don't like can also be fun, if you're getting paid $$). I look at it this way - say I met a girl I really liked, but she was only into top 40 music and didn't give a crap about hearing any REAL music...only stuff that she and her friends can dance and wiggle to at parties. That would turn me off a lot, but I'd be willing to teach her guitar and maybe get her into better stuff that might suit her taste. If she didn't pay attention at all to my own music and wouldn't come to see me play or anything, then I'd be done with her, even if she was a hair away from perfect in every other way.
Trialbyfire Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 kashmir, not everyone is patient enough to wait for someone to learn how to ski. Not everyone can be or wants to be a teacher. If someone skis at an expert or better level, the bunny slopes can be unexciting and if you're looking at cost/benefit, very expensive bunny hills.
Star Gazer Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 I agree that it's valid too, but if she really liked you she would suggest teaching you to ski. If she did really like you but wasn't willing to help you learn, then she's a snob. Teaching people you like is fun and is a great way to spend time with them (teaching people you don't like can also be fun, if you're getting paid $$). You obviously don't ski. Having tried being taught to ski by an ex, I can tell you that it is NOT fun - for either one of us. I also hate when people say, "If she really liked you..." How does ANYONE "really like" someone after one MEETING?? kashmir, not everyone is patient enough to wait for someone to learn how to ski. Not everyone can be or wants to be a teacher. If someone skis at an expert or better level, the bunny slopes can be unexciting and if you're looking at cost/benefit, very expensive bunny hills. Precisely.
fral945 Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 Sounds like a cop-out and your 1st impression was right. She either wasn't really interested or the type of woman that obsesses over how she can plug you in to her lifestyle rather than looking at what you have to offer. It's not like you said you hated skiing or wouldn't try it. Either way, count your blessings. That type of woman would likely find somewhere else you didn't fit her lifestyle and dump you later.
Trialbyfire Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 Precisely. I used to be an avid skier and know how addicting it can be. If I hadn't wrecked my back on it skiing like a "17 year old", as per my chiro, I would still be doing it now. While I've totally recovered from the injury, I don't bother anymore because I'm not willing to chance skiing at the same level and doing it again but it honestly isn't much fun for me to ski at a groomer run level and I don't have the patience to teach anyone else. Teaching requires serious patience and also, it's easy to pass on your own personal bad habits, if you don't know the right way to teach. To use another analogy, it's like teaching an SO to drive. Bad mojo!
Lauriebell82 Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 I think it's an excuse, however I do see the other side as well, as many others have suggested. It actually may even be a combination of the two. My boyfriend LOVES football and will watch it all day on Sunday. I on the other hand hated football because I didn't know how to keep score and I thought it was boring. So my BF sat me down and showed me how they keep score and the different aspects of it. Now I love watching football. We even went to a Steelers game together! That being said, I'm sure skiing is different than watching football, however unless she goes EVERY SINGLE DAY then I don't think that it's that big of a deal if you each do your own thing one day. My BF has a season pass for snowboarding bc he gets a discount through his work. I would have to pay full price to get a season pass for skiing so we compromised and said that I would go skiing with him 3 times during the winter (and he will treat me skiing for my b-day). That way we still get to be together but he gets his own time to go as well. Moral of the story: I do think you can have seperate interests and still be a couple.
sunshinegirl Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 Sounds like a cop-out and your 1st impression was right. She either wasn't really interested or the type of woman that obsesses over how she can plug you in to her lifestyle rather than looking at what you have to offer. It's not like you said you hated skiing or wouldn't try it. Either way, count your blessings. That type of woman would likely find somewhere else you didn't fit her lifestyle and dump you later. Why the need to pathologize someone for wanting to share a favorite activity with a romantic partner? If she were posting on LS she'd get all kinds of support and understanding for being honest and not leading the guy on (though for my part I would have told her that TELLING him the skiing part was unnecessary). It seems that some people are focusing on how awful she is for saying she wants a ski partner when the larger point ought to be that she was honest and forthright with the OP about not wishing to go out again. Sure it's disappointing but it was only one date and we don't need to make her out to be an evil, shallow, selfish woman for stating her preference. Jeez, people.
kashmir Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 kashmir, not everyone is patient enough to wait for someone to learn how to ski. Not everyone can be or wants to be a teacher. If someone skis at an expert or better level, the bunny slopes can be unexciting and if you're looking at cost/benefit, very expensive bunny hills. You obviously don't ski. Having tried being taught to ski by an ex, I can tell you that it is NOT fun - for either one of us. I also hate when people say, "If she really liked you..." How does ANYONE "really like" someone after one MEETING?? Precisely. Both of you are missing my point. And no, I've never been skiing, and I've never been traveling either. Both things I'd love to do in the future, but my family could never afford pricey vacations. A weekend at the Jersey shore is what we got. My point is it isn't about actually teaching, it's about spending time with the person. I hate teaching. People, my mom included, bug me to teach them guitar. I always blow them off because I don't have the patience, but take a girl I like and I'll agree to teach her, not for the sake of teaching, but for the sake of doing something we both enjoy or at least are trying to enjoy. And you can obviously like someone enough in a first encounter if you can not like them enough to not see them again. If it takes so long to like someone, as you claim, then why do people chose not to go out with someone more than a certain number of times, if not at all?
Trialbyfire Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 It's very easy to point the finger in a generalized way and to spin perception. Relationships are hard enough as they are, without partnering up with someone who can't or won't participate in something you spend a lot of time doing and enjoying. It's like forcing someone to be a homebody, when they're a social butterfly or vice versa. Makes no sense. Just let it be. One date... Neither you or her is a bad person. Sure, rejection is tough to take but you don't have to demonize the other person to handle it.
fral945 Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 Why the need to pathologize someone for wanting to share a favorite activity with a romantic partner? If she were posting on LS she'd get all kinds of support and understanding for being honest and not leading the guy on (though for my part I would have told her that TELLING him the skiing part was unnecessary). It seems that some people are focusing on how awful she is for saying she wants a ski partner when the larger point ought to be that she was honest and forthright with the OP about not wishing to go out again. Sure it's disappointing but it was only one date and we don't need to make her out to be an evil, shallow, selfish woman for stating her preference. Jeez, people. Just my 0.02 cents. OP did ask for opinions.
Trialbyfire Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 My point is it isn't about actually teaching, it's about spending time with the person. I hate teaching. People, my mom included, bug me to teach them guitar. I always blow them off because I don't have the patience, but take a girl I like and I'll agree to teach her, not for the sake of teaching, but for the sake of doing something we both enjoy or at least are trying to enjoy.I HATE teaching. It's an annoyance to me. Spending time with someone I like would just be minimalized if I had to teach. It would make that time not worthwhile for me in that it would create a negative synergy. And you can obviously like someone enough in a first encounter if you can not like them enough to not see them again. If it takes so long to like someone, as you claim, then why do people chose not to go out with someone more than a certain number of times, if not at all? Liking and loving are two different things. You can like someone but not want to continue seeing them. Cost/benefit and not in a monetary fashion.
sunshinegirl Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 And you can obviously like someone enough in a first encounter if you can not like them enough to not see them again. If it takes so long to like someone, as you claim, then why do people chose not to go out with someone more than a certain number of times, if not at all? I know that certain men are not matches for me right away - they are definite "no"'s right away, and these are the ones that I decide not to see again. What makes them a "no"? Pretty simple, really: something about the person has to capture my interest, intrigue me, and make me want to learn more about them, for me to go out with them again. If nothing like that emerges on a first date, I won't go on a second date with them.
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