audrey_1 Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 If you go through a breakup, why would you want to go back? Why do we feel bad that things ended? If we made mistakes that lead to the breakup, shouldn't we just learn the lesson, move forward and do our best NOT to make the same mistakes the next time? With pain in your past, can you ever go back?
SRV Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 Hindsight is always 20/20. We as human beings hate failure and once its out of our grasp and realize the mistakes made, we always hope for that one last chance to at least try to go back and correct the wrongs.
BikerBeagle Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 The breakup of a relationship is, in many ways, as much a situation of addiction as substance abuse. I don't think people understand that ...and the questions you are asking are the same ones you would ask someone with a heavy drinking or drug problem - why can't you just stop?!?
Author audrey_1 Posted December 19, 2008 Author Posted December 19, 2008 Why is it so important to right the wrongs? If we fail at a relationship, to dwell in the past would prevent us from moving forward, perhaps to a relationship where we wouldn't have to try so hard or result in failure. I wonder how friendships work between people who were once in a relationship. I can honestly say I'm not friends with any of my exes, and I've been wondering why that is after seeing all the threads discussing these types of relationships. I'm not in touch with any of my exes, though they all live abroad from me. But I'd like to be, I guess. Been thinking a lot about my past mistakes.
northstar1 Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 If you go through a breakup, why would you want to go back? Why do we feel bad that things ended? If we made mistakes that lead to the breakup, shouldn't we just learn the lesson, move forward and do our best NOT to make the same mistakes the next time? With pain in your past, can you ever go back? All depends on the breakup really. Most can't go back, nor should they, if they've had the pain of lies or being cheated on. In my case thinds ended because of circumstance, not because of any actual problems between us. A casualty of an LDR. Would I go back, if circumstances had been different, more than likely - but again, that's life and hindsight is indeed 20/20.
Author audrey_1 Posted December 19, 2008 Author Posted December 19, 2008 All depends on the breakup really. Most can't go back, nor should they, if they've had the pain of lies or being cheated on. In my case thinds ended because of circumstance, not because of any actual problems between us. A casualty of an LDR. Would I go back, if circumstances had been different, more than likely - but again, that's life and hindsight is indeed 20/20. Are you guys friends or in communication at all? Most of my relationships have been LDR, and when they ended, they ENDED. No communication since.
northstar1 Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 Are you guys friends or in communication at all? Most of my relationships have been LDR, and when they ended, they ENDED. No communication since. Not really no, it's too hard to be in contact - since you aren't 'friends'. Maybe one day, when feelings have ebbed fully.
sedgwick Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 My ex hurt me worse than anyone ever has, but I'd take him back in a second if he walked through the door. He left me because I wasn't good enough for him, and if he came back, I'd know I was.
Chinook Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 I think where there are lies, cheating, betrayal of one kind or another, hurt and pain, there can't and shouldn't be any going back. Where the relationship ends because of a set of circumstances which weren't right, then as long as that has changed, there's no reason to suppose things can't be different. The definition of insanity is supposedly doing what you always did and expecting different results. If you change one thing, then things can be different and for myself, I certainly hold hope that people learn and grow from their experiences. The key then is, to put what we have learned into practice..!
CaliGuy Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 If you go through a breakup, why would you want to go back? Why do we feel bad that things ended? If we made mistakes that lead to the breakup, shouldn't we just learn the lesson, move forward and do our best NOT to make the same mistakes the next time? With pain in your past, can you ever go back? Apparently some people LOVE pain, humiliation and have no self respect At least, that's the only reason why I can think of that someone would go back when they've been dumped.
Author audrey_1 Posted December 19, 2008 Author Posted December 19, 2008 Apparently some people LOVE pain, humiliation and have no self respect At least, that's the only reason why I can think of that someone would go back when they've been dumped. Yes, I lean toward this, though probably not put as harshly - lol. Pain definitely blows, and the only way to avoid repeating the SAME pain, which in an old relationship probably would be repeated, you move forward and try not to apply the same things that didn't work before.
EmperorR Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 I'd never go back, funny for like two months I would have done anyhong to get my ex back. Nc opened up my eyes, I'd rather be single for the rest of my life than go back to a cheat who said I wasn't good enough for her
Trialbyfire Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 If you go through a breakup, why would you want to go back? Why do we feel bad that things ended? If we made mistakes that lead to the breakup, shouldn't we just learn the lesson, move forward and do our best NOT to make the same mistakes the next time? With pain in your past, can you ever go back? What do YOU want to do? No one else can decide or determine what's best for you. Who are you? What do you need? Forget what you want for the interim and focus on what you need. Are those needs reasonable? Who you are and how you view yourself, will determine how you handle those needs. To focus all that towards a relationship breakup, were your needs being met? Do you honestly feel that you can live with your needs not being met or did the relationship cease, due to wants or unreasonable needs? Was it an acrimonious break up? Were there questions left unanswered? If so, what's to stop you from somehow correcting those issues so that it's easier to let go, if you have to?
Author audrey_1 Posted December 19, 2008 Author Posted December 19, 2008 What do YOU want to do? No one else can decide or determine what's best for you. Who are you? What do you need? Forget what you want for the interim and focus on what you need. Are those needs reasonable? Who you are and how you view yourself, will determine how you handle those needs. To focus all that towards a relationship breakup, were your needs being met? Do you honestly feel that you can live with your needs not being met or did the relationship cease, due to wants or unreasonable needs? Was it an acrimonious break up? Were there questions left unanswered? If so, what's to stop you from somehow correcting those issues so that it's easier to let go, if you have to? For me, in my most recent situation that ended, I think I walk away with a valuable lesson that will benefit me moving FORWARD, but he is flirting with his ex while seeing someone else, also. I wasn't really asking for me, but really for the guy in my situation who seems to be stuck in the past. Even when he's said he wouldn't go back to an ex because of the "pain," that's what he's doing, and he broke it off with her, but she's still there...
Trialbyfire Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 For me, in my most recent situation that ended, I think I walk away with a valuable lesson that will benefit me moving FORWARD, but he is flirting with his ex while seeing someone else, also. I wasn't really asking for me, but really for the guy in my situation who seems to be stuck in the past. Even when he's said he wouldn't go back to an ex because of the "pain," that's what he's doing, and he broke it off with her, but she's still there... If a situation isn't repairable, to the benefit of both people, then yes, you have to move on. When people break up, most tend to demonize the other person in order to move on. Is it possible that her positives outweigh her negatives? Also, after the dust settles, the human mind is pretty good/bad in the way we can forget the bad times and wish for the good times. Just some thoughts as to why he's waffling.
Author audrey_1 Posted December 19, 2008 Author Posted December 19, 2008 If a situation isn't repairable, to the benefit of both people, then yes, you have to move on. When people break up, most tend to demonize the other person in order to move on. Is it possible that her positives outweigh her negatives? Also, after the dust settles, the human mind is pretty good/bad in the way we can forget the bad times and wish for the good times. Just some thoughts as to why he's waffling. He doesn't seem to demonize his exes at all; in fact, he always says, "I miss (insert name), (insert name), (insert name), and (insert name). I don't miss the relationships, but I miss any woman who I've spent significant time with. I still clearly remember why I broke up with them." And he pretty much leaves it at that. I've never heard him speak an ill word about any of his exes, which doesn't mean he isn't thinking it, of course. The only thing negative thing I've heard him say is about his most recent ex, who he's back in contact with. He said she always wanted to do expensive things, always wanted to spend a lot of money in everything they did, and I think that was his only reason for breaking it off with her. Yet he's kept all of them in his life in some way. It may not have been immediately after he broke up with them, but he always resumes contact with them somehow later on. I just wonder about this, because in sharp contrast, I am not friends with any of my exes. But his most recent ex, I believe he isn't over; a photo of he, her, and his mom and dad has remained on his dresser throughout the time they've been broken up, even while seeing me, and now while he's seeing another person, and as I said before, he's talking to the ex again, and often. I'm just intrigued by it.
orangehose Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 I wasn't really asking for me, but really for the guy in my situation who seems to be stuck in the past. Audrey, years ago, I dated a guy who wasn't over his ex. It was difficult for me at the time to understand why he should have these lingering feelings. Was his last girlfriend superior to me in some way? I wasted time wondering about it. But now I totally understand - some people just affect us more than others, and it's harder to get over them. Not because they're so much better than the other people we've dated - it's just an intrinsic property of the kind of connection that occurred, or perhaps the way in which it ended. Or for whatever reason, we just aren't truly open yet to forming another strong bond. That said, it was unfair to you if your now-ex still had lingering feelings for an ex and flirted with her, etc - he needs to be fully present with YOU. So you made the right decision in breaking with him.
Trialbyfire Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 There's a fine line in not being over an ex and actually liking them as people, thus maintaining contact. I'm someone who's in contact with a number of my exes but only on a friendship basis. I won't flirt with them, regardless if they try to do so, especially if they're with someone else. To put myself in your shoes, the flirting would bother me. If you're still flirting with an ex, you're still attracted to them at some level. I guess it depends on whether the two of you are in an exclusive relationship or not.
Author audrey_1 Posted December 19, 2008 Author Posted December 19, 2008 To focus all that towards a relationship breakup, were your needs being met? Do you honestly feel that you can live with your needs not being met or did the relationship cease, due to wants or unreasonable needs? Was it an acrimonious break up? Were there questions left unanswered? If so, what's to stop you from somehow correcting those issues so that it's easier to let go, if you have to? I waffled in the beginning of our relationship, saboteur style. He saw me as flaky and either developed a wandering eye, or it had always been there. No, I wouldn't want to compromise without my needs being met, but this became a problem only after I started with the commitment-phobic behavior. No, the separation wasn't bitter. He just finally admitted that he saw me differently. Well, maybe not bitter for him. But a bitter pill for me to swallow knowing my actions played a role in his changing perception of me. Or maybe it was an excuse to move on to greener pastures. Either way, I will work to be more present in future relationships. I was just fascinated at how he's dating someone else so quickly, PLUS his ex is a big part of his life right now.
orangehose Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 Yet he's kept all of them in his life in some way. It may not have been immediately after he broke up with them, but he always resumes contact with them somehow later on. I just wonder about this, because in sharp contrast, I am not friends with any of my exes. I'm actually a fan of staying friends with exes when possible. A significant other is a person whom you got to know really well, and who got to know you really well. It just seems like such a waste that these people who we invested so much time into, just vanish into thin air, and then we never again know whether they're alive or well (unless we stalk them on the internet). Granted, there are plenty of instances when a friendship is not desirable or not possible. If either party feels very disrespected by the breakup or by what happened in the relationship, it's much harder to defend any sort of friendship. Also, it's best not to be in contact with, let alone friends with, an ex for whom you have ANY lingering feelings whatsoever. That's just asking for trouble. But there are other less acrimonious situations in which it might be rather nice to chat occasionally or get an email update from an ex.
Author audrey_1 Posted December 19, 2008 Author Posted December 19, 2008 But now I totally understand - some people just affect us more than others, and it's harder to get over them. Not because they're so much better than the other people we've dated - it's just an intrinsic property of the kind of connection that occurred, or perhaps the way in which it ended. Or for whatever reason, we just aren't truly open yet to forming another strong bond. That said, it was unfair to you if your now-ex still had lingering feelings for an ex and flirted with her, etc - he needs to be fully present with YOU. So you made the right decision in breaking with him. Yes, this is probably true. I think that my intellect is on a different plane than his, and his ex is very light, breezy and airy. He is also pretty anxious socially, so the easier it is to be "free" in interaction, probably the better for him, and I may have given him that next experience for him to realize "what he had" with her. There's a fine line in not being over an ex and actually liking them as people, thus maintaining contact. I'm someone who's in contact with a number of my exes but only on a friendship basis. I won't flirt with them, regardless if they try to do so, especially if they're with someone else. To put myself in your shoes, the flirting would bother me. If you're still flirting with an ex, you're still attracted to them at some level. I guess it depends on whether the two of you are in an exclusive relationship or not. They definitely flirt. He has a really flirty personality, anyway, but I think it's with intent in her case, though I can't be positive. It's just a guess.
MWH Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 Would I go back now? No way! Have I gone back inthe past? You bet! I'm a couple weeks out and this time I have no desire to go back. My self-worth, dignity, honor, and self-respect are far too valuable. My relationship was with a disordered individual and over the course of a couple years I was beaten down from a strong confident mellow guy into a cowed-down belly-crawling begging dog. I've never in my life fet such huniliations and degradation. Don't get me wrong- I signed up for it! I could have and should have RAN on the very first date as that is when she began setting the stage for the insane-o ride of my life! I didn't realise it while I was enmeshed in it but now I see exactly how i was manipulated. Why did _I_ go back time and again in spite of being cheated on, lied to, raged at, and a bunch of other abusive behaviors? Well I thought "If I love her just alittle harder she'll come around", "I'm old- this is all that's left for me.", "Deep down she's a good person and just needs some time to sort herself out", and a bunch of other magical ridiculous thoughts. In the end I realized that she is never, EVER going to treat me with anything less than total contempt and would forever reign down her abuses upon me. Something snapped inside me and I realized that my "self", the real "me", had been lost long ago and I was a mere shell of my former self. I was so busy busting my ass trying to meet her ever-increasing demands that I had essentially worn myself out as well as sold myself out. Enough! She dumped me for the LAST time. I have been 100% n/c since and I have no intention of having any contact in the future. I wrote her a short email and my last word to her was "Goodbye". I intend to leave it right there forever. I think that singular word says it ALL. "Goodbye". Now that I am away from her manipulation and emotional instabilty I am regaining my calm peaceful demeanor. This is the real me. While I feel sorry that she is so messed up I don't really care any more. She knows the truth, she knows that she has some very serous problems, but she prefers to place the blame on me. That's fine. I have nothing to prove other than the fact that I CAN recover from her abuse, I CAN regain my self-worth and dignity, and I CAN have a healthy and positive future without the chaos and drama. Wow- i guess this post was a long time coming, huh? The bottom line: If your ex was abusive, irrational, unfair, or anything other than a complete and total respectful and decent adult you DO deserve better. Don't go back only to sacrifice your dignity and self-respect. KNOW that you deserve to be happy, you deserve to be respected, and you deserve to live in peace. I've said lots and lots of things to my ex trying to "save" her. They say one should not cast pearls before swine. I was wasting my time trying to rescue someone who denies she has any problem whatsoever. I'd have been better off banging my head against a wall .The best thing I ever said, at least for myself, was "GOODBYE". MWH
grogster Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 Relationships, even when "broken," can be more durable than we imagine. Four years ago I left my wife after a long extra-marital affair (which I ended, too). In the interim, I had two girlfriends, but I maintained a civil peace with my ex. And I always stayed very involved with my children. Of late, I've been invited to my wife's place for Thanksgiving and a some family meals. By her body language, she has made it very clear that she wants to try again. I don't. I don't want to devastate her again. So I tread carefully. I'm nice, but not too nice. The Heart and its mysteries.
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