RecordProducer Posted December 28, 2008 Posted December 28, 2008 Girl, you don't love this man. Period. Maybe you think you do, but you cherish resentment and disrespect for him, so it can't possibly be true love. He bought you a ring and proposed to you, but you're absolutely not excited about it. This is neither good nor bad; it's just food for thought. Either you don't love him truly or you ARE materialistic.
soserious1 Posted December 28, 2008 Posted December 28, 2008 As opposed to simply letting things ride and not proposing? Or more directly, his telling the OP "I don't want to marry you"? He could have done either. Instead, he bought her a ring and proposed. It's obvious, in the OP's eyes, that's not good enough... Mr. Lucky Sorry but going out and deliberately purchasing a non-returnable ring in a style that you know the ring wearer doesn't like and then having a hissy fit when,after hounding her all day, the receiver finally breaks down and tells you she doesn't like the ring itself sets off huge red flags to me. I didn't have an engagement ring and I bought both of our wedding rings.. but the OP's man seems to be letting her know that it doesn't matter what she likes or doesn't like.. that she'll get only what he damn well feels like giving her and that she better grovel in gratitude or there's gonna be hell to pay. And if that's the case I think OP is well rid of this guy!
soserious1 Posted December 28, 2008 Posted December 28, 2008 Girl, you don't love this man. Period. Maybe you think you do, but you cherish resentment and disrespect for him, so it can't possibly be true love. He bought you a ring and proposed to you, but you're absolutely not excited about it. This is neither good nor bad; it's just food for thought. Either you don't love him truly or you ARE materialistic. Maybe she wants a ring that she's going to have to wear 24/7 for the rest of her life to be a ring that she enjoys wearing? I'm not hearing that the ring wasn't big enough or that she thought it was too small.. I'm hearing that she didn't like the style,that it was the ONE style she didn't like and she'd made her preference clearly known. I bought my wedding ring and my husband's.. we went together, he picked out a ring that HE wanted to wear.. he didn't get stuck wearing whatever I felt like buying him.
Meet 4 Coffee Posted December 28, 2008 Posted December 28, 2008 I am with SoSerious here. It is the guy who threw a fit and then refused to talk to her for a week. I hope they have worked things out, but shutting out the person (your fiance) who you are supposed to love most instead of talking it out like people truly in love do, is not the sign of a man who really loved the woman he was proposing to. The problem was not with the ring, it was the way he refused to talk to her to work things out and resorted to name-calling (materialistic.) She already stated the problem wasn't with the ring and she would have been happy to marry him without ANY ring. It's just that he put her in a corner by hounding her and she (gasp) told the truth. She told the truth in a NICE way though, by saying the ring was beautiful, but reminding him that she did tell him before that that was the style of ring she did NOT want. I think he should have a little lesson in actually listening to his fiancee, also. He asked a question, she gave a nice (but honest) answer. Aren't marriages based on trust and honesty? Guess not, according to you guys who all think she should just be worshipping the ground he walks on because he came up with a (setup for disaster) "proposal." I still believe this is a deliberate setup by the OP's fiance. I really do hope, however, this man has matured and talked to her maturely instead of treat her like crap.
luvstarved Posted December 28, 2008 Posted December 28, 2008 Well, I think it is very difficult to assess on the information given, whether he intentionally got her a ring she would not like or if she is being overly picky...but there is some pretty clear indication of lack of trust or respect, or both, in one or both directions, and of course that is a bad sign. My H let me pick out my own ring, which sounds on the surface like consideration but over time seemed more like not wanting to have to make decisions that were not about HIM. He has also seemingly gone out and bought gifts that I have VERY clearly pre-stated that I would not want (VERY clearly, as in "Do not ever buy me anything from store X"), and I have seriously wondered whether he had not set me up to be the b**ch for not acting pleased. It IS aggravating and seems passive-aggressive to do this sort of thing. My H has done it TWICE very recently and both times I ended up asking him to return the item and ended up with no gift at all. I don't really care about the material aspects, I care about the idea that he either is 1) so thoughtless that he does not listen to me and after 12 years is unable to know me or respect me well enough to heed my wishes and come up with an appropriate gift or 2) worse, he intentionally buys things he knows will upset me so that I get to be the "bad guy" again. However, it is part of a general pattern of lack of care/respect/empathy that has gone on for YEARS and probably would not be that annoying all on its own especially if it seemed to be "innocent", so I wonder if there aren't other manifestations of such afoot in OPs case. On the other hand, the proposal was unexpected to her, and I find it rather puzzling to consider that a guy would plan a surprise proposal with any intentional malice...so wonder whether he just "missed" the style preference and maybe is a little bit of a goof to have bought an unreturnable ring without having run it by her first...and maybe this affects her level of respect for him. I am just giving food for thought. It seems unlikely that this is an otherwise glowing relationship that has been sent skittering from one incident, even as huge a one as a ring to be worn for life. I completely understand getting something you dislike and wondering if it was intentional in certain scenarios...but I have a hard time believing that a guy would plan an unsolicited proposal and intentionally buy a ring that would be disliked...so I lean toward her not really loving/respecting him as a life mate should. Maybe he is a clueless goof that she can never fully respect...and marrying him would not be good for either one of them...
soserious1 Posted December 28, 2008 Posted December 28, 2008 During my marriage the issue of "respect" and consideration for each other's feelings and needs came up many times. I was my family's sole breadwinner and out of respect for my husband,not wishing to put him in the humilating position of having to ask for money or worse,being given an allowance. I used to quietly simply place my entire pay envelope next to his place at dinner. I was given a small allowance from that to cover my personal expenses. Over time I started taking more side work and consulting.. my personal allowance from my primary paycheck stopped at hubby's suggestion.I gave him the entire paycheck and paid for my own stuff,including my CC bills out of funds from side work, over time that started shifting as well, utility bills were shifted over to me, grocery bills shifted over to me as well. The kicker point though,the straw that broke this camel's back was over the issue of gifts. My husband would nag and hound me to give him lists of things that I wanted for Xmas,my birthday, valentine's day etc and would throw a fit no matter how diplomatically I told him I didn't want anything. I didn't want anything because it would be just another bill I'd be stuck paying for useless fripperies that I didn't want and would never have bought for myself in the 1st place. On Jan 1st, I really don't need to see bills for $300 in useless crap that I've now got to hustle working a second job to pay. He used to get sooo upset and have such a fit that I finally told him point blank how I felt about basically being required to work a second job to pay for my own presents and how deeply I had come to resent him for it..because you see,not only was I stuck paying for my own gifts but I was also supposed to gush gratitude over him like a fountain for being such a thoughtful,wonderful husband. I truly didn't mind being our primary supporter, I didn't mind that he got things or that our house got things.. I just didn't want to be given gifts of things I didn't need,want or ask for and then be expected to work even more to pay for them. Gifts and how a person views them are now something I pay close attention to, it speaks volumes to me about a person's underlying character and motives. Frankly,I'd prefer that men not give me anything, I don't need the headache and complications that go along with it. You feel like honoring me with a present? great,make a donation in my name to the charity of your choice and I'll be touched and honored.
Mr. Lucky Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 I completely understand getting something you dislike and wondering if it was intentional in certain scenarios...but I have a hard time believing that a guy would plan an unsolicited proposal and intentionally buy a ring that would be disliked...so I lean toward her not really loving/respecting him as a life mate should. Maybe he is a clueless goof that she can never fully respect...and marrying him would not be good for either one of them... Well said. What are the chances of a successful marriage if the two parties aren't even on the same page on something as basic as this? Mr. Lucky
Dexter Morgan Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 That's the thing = he made out the fascade like he did want to marry her, but really did not and set it up for her to fail the 'test' by buying her a ring she knew she wouldn't like and then hounding her for an answer. This guy is no saint simply because he proposed because the whole proposal was a sham. YOu are saying she should just be happy to get a proposal. Gee your right. Guys go through the hassle of spending major money on a ring just to piss off their partner If he didn't want to marry her, I can think of a bunch of other things he could have done. Like tell her she is fat or something. And it wouldn't cost him a dime. And I am not saying she should be happy to get a proposal. Its obvious you didn't read what I said. I'm saying that guys don't go through all this hassle and money if they really didn't want to get married. I'm saying that your idea that he doesn't care about her feelings just because he didn't get the perfect ring is absurd.
Dexter Morgan Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 So she is guilty simply because she doesn't like the style of ring he bought, which she had made blatantly clear it was a style she didn't like before he purchased it? To me, it's inconsistent behavior for a woman to tell her fiance an HONEST answer to a question, one that he has been hounding her with, after he has set her up for failure and him being the victime. I couldn't be with a man who when upset, shut me out for a week like that. From reading your posts in this thread and others, its clear that you couldn't be with a man unless he does everything perfect and exactly in every manner you expect. Got a newsflash for ya. Not everything is going to go your way and if it doesn't, its not some conspiracy against you.
BlackLovely Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 You're the one that has to wear the damn thing! I told my fiance I would pick out the ring and then he could propose however he wanted.
TabulaRasa Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 I would proudly wear a ring made of a damned Twizzler...the point is that somebody asked me to marry him, for god's sake, and the token given to commemorate that is just that, a token. Just me. I don't turn my nose up at something proffered with genuine love, whether it's my taste or not. I want no part of picking out a ring, and I'm sure not going to be picky about one.
manugeorge Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 Sorry but going out and deliberately purchasing a non-returnable ring in a style that you know the ring wearer doesn't like and then having a hissy fit when,after hounding her all day, the receiver finally breaks down and tells you she doesn't like the ring itself sets off huge red flags to me. I couldn't have said it any better. When you want to get a gift for someone,..any kind of gift, one would think you would want to get them something THEY like, you know, because the look on their face is priceless when they are genuinely surprised. That is the joy of giving. You don't buy something YOU like and throw a fit when they don't share your enthusiasm. I would understand if he had no way of knowing her ring preferences but it seems like he had all the information, yet he still diverted from what she preferred. I doubt if what she preferred is more expensive than what she got either so the whole "materialistic" argument is moot. This is about style not money. Who gets an unreturnable gift anyway, unless it was shoplifted or "fell off a truck"? OR he payed much less than it was worth. And the whole silent treatment thing? Is he in highschool? I sense a bully here.
soserious1 Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 I would proudly wear a ring made of a damned Twizzler...the point is that somebody asked me to marry him, for god's sake, and the token given to commemorate that is just that, a token. Just me. I don't turn my nose up at something proffered with genuine love, whether it's my taste or not. I want no part of picking out a ring, and I'm sure not going to be picky about one. Well then maybe you can marry the OP's man, you can grovel all over him slobbering gratitude and telling him how ungrateful the OP is,he'll probably lap that right up..then you can spend the rest of your life groveling to him in gratitude everytime he gives you a gift you've specifically said that you don't want.
soserious1 Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 I couldn't have said it any better. When you want to get a gift for someone,..any kind of gift, one would think you would want to get them something THEY like, you know, because the look on their face is priceless when they are genuinely surprised. That is the joy of giving. You don't buy something YOU like and throw a fit when they don't share your enthusiasm. I would understand if he had no way of knowing her ring preferences but it seems like he had all the information, yet he still diverted from what she preferred. I doubt if what she preferred is more expensive than what she got either so the whole "materialistic" argument is moot. This is about style not money. Who gets an unreturnable gift anyway, unless it was shoplifted or "fell off a truck"? OR he payed much less than it was worth. And the whole silent treatment thing? Is he in highschool? I sense a bully here. he probably got the ring at a pawnshop.. things there generally aren't returnable.
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