luckystrike Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 Good evening, Maybe my issue is a little mundane, I have not acted out on any emotions nor have I gotten any big signals from my boyfriend that anything is wrong. I'm just trying to get a feel for how some people deal with jealousy. I was in a previous relationship that was torn apart by jealousy. It was an unhealthy relationship and one where my ex would provoke me into jealous rants. I ended up hating who I had become and ended the relationship b/c it wasn't who i was or who I wanted to be. Fast forward to now and I am in a new relationship with a very genuine guy. He told me he had a previous relationship that didn't work b/c she was a very jealous and controlling person b/c he has a lot of girl friends and is friends with several exes. I sort of admitted what had happpened previously in my last relationship and said that I would try and be understanding, as long as he didn't provoke or try to test me (like my ex). BUt that I have no room to talk b/c I am in contact with my exes and I have several guy friends. So here's the problem (finally). Right now he is on a road trip and staying with a girl friend for a night before he heads to the next destination. I am not sure about his history with her. He said he knows her from school, and I think he woudl tell me if she was an ex. But I have all of these old feelings of crazy circling around in my head and have to suppress interrogating him on what they're going to do and how he knows her and are they sleeping in the same bed yadda yadda yadda. I know this is toxic questioning and will only make me appear insecure, which I guess I am. How do I deal with this? I don't feel like I can talk to him about it because my rational side says it's unfounded and I don't want to appear jealous and controlling. Any suggestions?
lady_door Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 Well... for me it would depend on some factors. Does he just crash at her place (on her couch, in another room, whatever)? I'd be fine with that. If he actually sleeps in her bed with her.... well, that's another story. I'd be pissed even if I knew that nothing happened. From what you've written he seems to be a nice guy and he was honest about his plans, so I wouldn't worry too much.
tomswife Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 I think it really depends on how you were raised. I was born and raised in a culture where people take dating seriously and would not have sex with the person unless they are sure of marrying them and I never slept with any man before my husband. My husband slept with about 100 women before he met me, it was disgusting especially when I thought of his herpes. As a result of growing up in a different culture I do not want him to continue hanging out with women he has slept in the past, it was difficult for both of us in the begining but presently, we are more adjusted and as far as I know he does not have any contact with his ex except an occasional phone calls with his ex wife whom I like and respect. To answer your question, no, I do not want my husband to be friends with his ex gfs, he has too many of them, it is disgusting and it turns me off. Ewwww, they remind me of his herpes LOL. With me, it is not jealousy just plain disgust otherwise I wouldn't have respected and encouraged his friendship with his ex wife, they don't have children together.
Javelin Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 You nailed it on the head, so, I'm not even going to use quotes. You're insecure. You're a jealous person. You have trouble fully trusting boyfriends. Let me put it this way, I don't know one person (male or female) in this world that continues contact with an 'ex-anything' for any other reason, than security. No matter how you want to justify the contact, usually, 'just friends,' but in the end; they are a support line. They are there just in case something goes wrong and you're left alone in the water. Deep down inside, you know by staying in contact with several, 'ex-boyfriends' that you *might* have someone to pull you out if you fall and no one's there to catch you! (Get what I'm saying?) I know it's risky, but you both are going to have to ditch the external contacts and focus on your own relationship. If there are no strings attached on both ends, then you'll be much happier and trusting. P.S. - I'm also subliminally hinting that you tell him how you feel.
Spectre Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 Honestly? I feel that if you're in a relationship you shouldn't be spending the night with a member of the opposite sex. Even if you're on the couch and they are in a bedroom..there is just something about them being alone together in that house. It's one of those things where you don't wanna get mad over it, but the fact is most people would feel a bit upset about it. I also don't think either of you should be in contact with your exes. They are your ex for a reason, so you have to ask yourself is keeping the ex in your life worth that much? If it is, then you don't wanna be with your current bf/gf that much. As for having friends of the opposite sex..I have no problem with that as long as they aren't hanging out together alone. Others may feel different but I feel it shouldn't be done. Only exception I'd make were if said friends were gay..as a lot of females seem to have gay friends.
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