London_Nick Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 I am in what you could call a loveless marriage and am wondering whether I should stay or go. In hindsight I know I got married far too early - largely driven by a youthful spontaneity and lust - to be honest its been a hellish 5 years in which we've discovered that bar the pretty fantastic sex we have little in common and don't like each other. I had planned to leave her 3 years ago but she got pregnant. Our daughter is lovely - the most beautiful thing you can imagine and I love being her father. Anyway...the marriage hasn't improved, in fact its got much worse as she's even less the type of person I want to be with - I also think my wife didn't want children as she spends most the time going out with her friends as she knows I'm happy to babysit. I'm not saying I'm perfect. My best friend, a girl I've known since University, have always been close and recently have become closer. She recently said that she'd be happy to be with me - whether I left my wife or not. I suppose my options are: 1) For the sake of my daughter stay with my wife and fix things 2) For the sake of my daughter stay with my wife and have an affair with my friend 3) Leave my wife and daughter and be with my friend. Option 1 would actually be lovely but I think impossible - I really have tried. Option 2 - would be nice but immoral and contrary to what it may seem I am a good person. Option 3 would make me happiest but I really don't want to hurt my daughter. So what should I do - have the affair or leave my daughter?
quankanne Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 those aren't your sole options – you can put whatever feelings you have for the other woman on the back burner, decide what you are going to do about your marriage, then act on it, be it divorce or going to counseling to see if there's anything truly left to salvage of the marriage. It's not fair to ANY of the parties involved for you to dabble in an affair just because you're not happy but are too lazy to get out of the marriage ... you really need to see through the relationship you're in before you start up another one. as for staying in that marriage for the sake of your child ... that's just an excuse to be indecisive. Kids are smart, and they pick up vibes on their parents' relationship. You're not going to fool her (or do her any justice) if you martyr yourself by staying in a relationship you don't want. You are still going to be her mom and dad no matter WHAT goes happens between the two of you, you know?
Ronni_W Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 You can get divorced without abandoning your daughter. Your father-daughter relationship will change and become more difficult for you to uphold, is all. Options 1 and 2, will be for you and not your daughter. It is not in your daughter's best interest for you to think or believe otherwise. Option 3. Divorce your wife because you can no longer support and encourage her in the ways that she needs, and because she can no longer support and encourage you in the ways that you need. DO NOT leave your wife just because there is some other broad who is showing an interest in being willing to put up with your same crappy habits, attitudes and thought processes that have created these crappy dynamics in your marriage.
2sure Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 So what should I do - have the affair or leave my daughter? The affair will ultimately affect your wife and particularly your daughter (maybe more than a son) whether you divorce or not. An affair betrays the whole family not just the wife. So many people state they are staying for the kids, but the affair makes home life hell. It will leave your wife, even if she is currently unhppy, devestated, angry, and anxious . These feelings will arise before she even has proof of the affair - they always do. You will become distant and resentful. The family , the home, your childs life will suffer from living in such a toxic atmosphere. And then, you will either get caught and or admit to the affair. The ensuing divorce will be uglier than any other because of the added betrayal and drama. There will never again be anything amicable or comfortable between your daughter's parents. Your daughter will either find out or be told what you have done. Its an awful thing for a girl to find out her father is a cheater. It affects her future expectations of her own relationships. What she will accept as OK. So, dont stay for your daughter. Thats a cruel thing to do to her. Divorce is your only option of those you list as being realistic. Children of divorced parents still have both parents. After a divorce is settled, many times both parents are able to work towards putting anger aside and the child first. But like I said, with an affair it is more difficult.
carhill Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 OP, can you instruct me in having pretty fantastic sex with someone I don't like? It might save my marriage Seriously, have you asked your W how she feels and really listened? I think such a conversation and getting your needs and boundaries out there will help you resolve this, whether that be D or MC or ?. An A is a symptom, not a solution, IMO. Has your W always gone out and partied or is this a new development?
2sure Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 So what should I do - have the affair or leave my daughter? After reading that again, I think I understand. OP is basically being a Martyr. He is saying that either way he is the bad guy. OP - by all means we all understand that your affair must be justified. If it werent justifiable you would just be one more statistic cheating on his wife. The way you have explained it, your almost doing your daughter a favor by having the affair. Sorry, but since this is an anonymous SUPPORT forum - a lot of people find that being emotionally honest here is easy. You should try it.
Ronni_W Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 So what should I do - have the affair or leave my daughter? After reading that again, I think I understand. OP is basically being a Martyr. He is saying that either way he is the bad guy. Exactly. His daughter is going to be his 'persecutor', no matter what he chooses. And that is going to end up being his "reason" for abandoning his daughter, too...because it was "better" for her that he leave her even though he really didn't want to, of course not. It's classic parent setting self up to be child's 'Victim' -- instead of taking responsibility for victimizing the child. Sad. EDIT: Fortunately, London_Nick still has the opportunity and personal power to NOT do that. He can choose something different for himself and his daughter.
RobertLS Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 Don't make the mistake I made. Absolutely DO NOT have an affair. Don't even think about that being an option. Seriously, it'll mess your life up so bad. And your wife's. And your daughter's. And probably your friend's. Don't do it. Do whatever you have to, but don't have an affair.
Athena Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 In hindsight I know I got married far too early - largely driven by a youthful spontaneity and lust I'm not saying I'm perfect. My best friend, a girl I've known since University, have always been close and recently have become closer. She recently said that she'd be happy to be with me - whether I left my wife or not. I suppose my options are: 3) Leave my wife and daughter and be with my friend. Option 3 would make me happiest but I really don't want to hurt my daughter. Looks like you are about to repeat the same mistake... you are now going after the other girl you have known since your ill-choosing lustful and youthful university days... the OW to be.... You claim you got married too early. Now you want to go after a girl you knew from university days (also your too-early days, right?!)
frannie Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 So what should I do - have the affair or leave my daughter? As long as you couch it in those terms, making that the seeming option, you are going to choose having the affair. Especially since you have the impression this long-time friend is OK with that (she might be saying that now, at the beginning, but it's unlikely to turn out that way. She will end up wanting more). The choices aren't really as you state, as others have already pointed out. You're making it a question of having an affair vs. hurting your child. But the affair would hurt your child much more than making a clean break and being an honest, single (or remarried) Dad. Forget the excuses (she goes out partying, you don't want to 'hurt' your child) and face facts instead. If you've made a mistake, put it right and either work on your marriage or get a divorce. Don't compound it by cheating.
Author London_Nick Posted December 19, 2008 Author Posted December 19, 2008 Thank you all...and I mean that sincerely. No I'm not trying to be a martyr and no I'm not trying to justify an affair either. Its just that I am pretty unhappy in this marriage - and yes we've tried talking about it but my wife has always preferred denial to discussion ie if you don't talk about it its not real. Hence why we've never managed to go to counselling. I know divorce is probably the best option but I am worried that my relationship with my daughter will change - in all the divorced couples I know the mother has always got the children. I suppose I started this thread because I wanted my cake and to eat it ie still continue living at home and being a father to my daughter WHILST perhaps engaging in something pleasurable outside of marriage. But I guess you're all right - its not a solutions and will only make things worse. As I said my relationship with my daughter is the most important thing to me so I guess I'll have to stay I'll stay. Thanks.
quankanne Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 nick, the only thing that's going to change is the physical proximity between you and your child, not the love. If you divorce, yes, there's a chance that your unhappy ex-wife will do her best to sabotage the relationship between y'all, but if your little one has only experienced love and support from you ... well, your actions concerning her are going to be WAY louder than whatever crap her mother might fill her head with. I'm hoping that you and your wife will at least love and respect your child enough to not allow that to happen no matter how things end up with you. as for your wife not wanting to talk about it, it's time to be blunt and tell her that you are not happy in the marriage, but that you are willing to try to improve the relationship and that she must be part of the counseling process, too. Not because you want to be mean or lord it over her, but because its the only way y'all are going to save what you've built together. If she keeps refusing, tell her that it makes it that much harder to make things work between y'all.
Citizen Erased Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 If you piss your wife off by screwing around, it will make life dreadful for you and your daughter when she decides to get back at you by limiting access to your daughter when she finds out. And she will find out. Cheating is never in a million years justified, no matter how miserable you may be. The choice is always there to leave and if you don't you have no right to **** with your family like that.
65tr6 Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 So what should I do - have the affair or leave my daughter? NOOOOOOOOOOOOO, dont have an affair ! Talk to your wife. See a MC. Read books such as Fighting for your Marriage.
2sure Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 Bentnotbroken gave you the best advice. Tell your wife its MC or divorce. You may even have to temporarily move out. But it will put her into gear to save this marriage , give her the flag.
KismetGirl Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 I am in what you could call a loveless marriage and am wondering whether I should stay or go. In hindsight I know I got married far too early - largely driven by a youthful spontaneity and lust - to be honest its been a hellish 5 years in which we've discovered that bar the pretty fantastic sex we have little in common and don't like each other. I had planned to leave her 3 years ago but she got pregnant. Our daughter is lovely - the most beautiful thing you can imagine and I love being her father. Anyway...the marriage hasn't improved, in fact its got much worse as she's even less the type of person I want to be with - I also think my wife didn't want children as she spends most the time going out with her friends as she knows I'm happy to babysit. I'm not saying I'm perfect. My best friend, a girl I've known since University, have always been close and recently have become closer. She recently said that she'd be happy to be with me - whether I left my wife or not. I suppose my options are: 1) For the sake of my daughter stay with my wife and fix things 2) For the sake of my daughter stay with my wife and have an affair with my friend 3) Leave my wife and daughter and be with my friend. Option 1 would actually be lovely but I think impossible - I really have tried. Option 2 - would be nice but immoral and contrary to what it may seem I am a good person. Option 3 would make me happiest but I really don't want to hurt my daughter. So what should I do - have the affair or leave my daughter? WHy can't you have option 4: divorce your wife, have custody of your daughter, AND be with your friend? If your wife doesnt like or want children anyway, then perhaps she would not object to you having main custody of your daughter after a divorce, then she will have time to go out with her friends as often as she likes.
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