She needs time to think

[jason83]

My girlfriend and I have been together for 8 months. I'm 25 and she is 24. We've had rocky situations here and there including her talking to another guy behind my back several months ago (never did anything with him but was talking to him a lot). She broke up with me only to get back together with me in less than a day after the breakup.

 

Our relationship (I thought) was going really well. My family loves her. Her family loves me. We spent 3-4 days/nights together each week....which is something I don't usually do but it felt right! We talked last week and she said she wanted more time for herself which I can understand. I saw her last Thursday for a couple of hours and then on Monday for 3 hours. She even slept with me on Monday night saying she loves me, etc. (actually she told me she loves me just last night on the phone)

 

Today, however, she says she needs time to think about things. She doesn't want to break up but feels things are going too fast. It felt right until about 2 weeks ago she said when she just felt overwhelmed. She says she is just uncertain about her feelings for me and does miss me but needs to sort things through. I've wondered if she is talking to this other guy again but no signs point that way. And I don't know of anyone else she is talking to...we spend so much time together I think I would know! And no she hasn't gone out with friends or anything recently that she would have met someone else.

 

We typically talk on the phone 3-4 times a day and text throughout the day. I know it sounds like a lot but she has never expressed any problems with it until now. Maybe it is just too much? She's the one that keeps bringing up getting married and all though. She tells me everything about her day and what she is doing as I do her...and I truly don't feel I have any reason to not trust her.

 

Anyone have any thoughts on this? Is this a lost cause? I know ultimately I just have to wait to hear from her but I needed somewhere to vent Any other time she has asked for time to think, she has always called me within 1-2 days only to get back together.

 

Thanks for listening....off I go back to my beer

[mark982]

needs time to think, needs space, going to fast. their all the same thing. she doesn't want to break up with you, cause she's gonna test drive another guy.keep you in the wings in case it don't work out. tell her see-ya. and go nc.

[jason83]

Well she just wrote me a text message saying "I can't lie, I miss talking to you. I want to be with you and hold you"

[EYECANDY000]

It sounds like she just need a little time to herself, just like she stated. Nothing is wrong with that. Sure she may not have expressed that the phone calls and texting is overwhelming before, but as time progress then a person needs a little 'me' time.

[jason83]

I really hope that is the case. She sent me another text last night asking if she could call me. I didn't respond to it but she did call me and I did answer the phone. She apologized to me saying she isn't listening to herself on what she asked me about space. I asked why she called me then and she said because she's used to hearing my voice before she goes to sleep and misses me. I told her that I understand her needing "me" time and that all she had to do was communicate that to me and everything would have been fine.

 

She still says she can't explain what she's thinking but wants to hear my voice at night for the rest of her life. When I asked her what are we going to do tomorrow about communicating or space, she said she still wants to be able to call me. So again I told her the ball is in her court but I really need her to open up and talk to me. We've been through a lot and communication has always gotten us through. Hopefully this time will be no different.

 

[Surfer Dude]

needs time to think, needs space, going to fast. their all the same thing. she doesn't want to break up with you, cause she's gonna test drive another guy.keep you in the wings in case it don't work out. tell her see-ya. and go nc.

 

How true. Too many times women pull this line when they want to keep you as a fallback guy.

 

I've never seen in my entire life that someone genuinely thought they were going too fast and got scared. It's the oldest excuse in the book, and the lousiest one.

 

Be careful OP, I might be wrong (I hope I am) but keep your eyes wide open, this is a serious red flag.

[Lauriebell82]

I think she may be confused. She probably does care for you, however she is having moments of doubt where she just misses being alone. I can understand how she is confusing YOU though, becuase it sounds like when she spends time with you it's overwhelming, but when she is not with you she misses you. I think she needs to chose which option she wants because it appears that she may be playing games (not neccessarily intentionally though).

 

Tell her you are willing to give her some space, but she has to make up her mind whether or not she wants to talk about serious stuff. Tell her if she either wants space or she doesnt. It is too hard for you to keep catering to her every emotion because you have to think about your own emotions.

 

What I would do is give her some space and say you two can date casually until she figures out what she wants. So no more serious talk about love or marriage until she works out her issues. If she can't do that then tell her YOU need to take a break and when she figures out what she wants you guys can get back together.

[BikerBeagle]

It's funny how the lines are divided on this issue between the lines of gender here ...the women are ok with her needing 'space' for herself ...the men just think she's got another guy and she's keeping you as a fallback. =)

 

I guess, regardless of who is correct here, you should force her to make a choice and stop screwing around with your emotions. You are the only one who controls what happens to you.

[jason83]

I talked to a mutual friend today and she said my gf plans to talk to me in person Saturday night because she doesn't like to talk over the phone. She never mentioned breaking up with me, just talking. Her friend thinks she is just confused right now. I guess well see

[zdheat]

"I need time to think"= I'm putting you on the backburner while I explore other options. You should have dumped her and never looked back when she dated the other guy behind your back the first time.

 

I went through a similar situation a few years ago. My girlfriend of 2 years gave me the "I need space" excuse. She called a month later wanting to rekindle our relationship and I told her to take a hike. She sent me 5 emails that I never responded to either.

 

When a person loves you they want to be with you at all times. They don't want space or time to think.

[jason83]

It's really funny because just like someone had mentioned, guys on here and that I know personally are saying the same thing....forget about her and move on. But every girl says she can understand and to just give her time and some space.

 

She's done this before but never saw anyone else. Guys, I know you're skeptical about that but I know it's the truth. "Space" or "Time" before was only a few days....and if she's planning on talking to me on Saturday, maybe it's the same situation....or maybe this time the trigger will finally be pulled and it'll be over.

 

For now I'm going to distance myself a little and let her call or text me....and when she does, I'm not going to answer on the first call or reply to the text for a while. Distance makes the heart grow fonder, so they say. Maybe a little distance will make her realize she either wants to be with me or that she is happier without me

[jason83]

Never heard anything from her all day yesterday. If today goes by with nothing, it will be the longest we've gone with no contact...guess I'll wait it out and see

 

I understand I need to give her space and again have no intention of contacting her...it's just I know her usual patterns and hope it pans out like in the past:confused:

[D-Jam]

Sounds like this woman wants to have her cake and eat it too.

 

Seen this before in both men and women. They meet someone who is wonderful, amazing, the person they probably will marry...but they are wishing inside that person would come along a few years later.

 

They still wanted more time to be single, play the field, sleep around, etc. You ever notice how most of the complainers of "I can't meet a decent man/woman" are always in their early 30s? You rarely see someone younger make that complaint.

 

Personally...I wouldn't stay with her. Her actions in the past and now only show you she can't be trusted. You two could marry and she'll still think there's a bigger better deal out there...so you could wake up one day and find her cheating or divorcing you.

 

My advice...based on what I read...

 

Have a deep talk with her. Find out what's bothering her. Get her either to admit she wants to see other guys, or she feels like she has no "me time". If she wants to see other guys, then end it and give her the freedom to. If she needs "me time", then make the agreement to see one another less. Have your own lives...just agree to be exclusive and faithful.

 

I don't care who believes otherwise, you can have your own life AND be in an exclusive relationship.

[jason83]

Thanks, D-Jam. That is some really good advice!

 

She did call me tonight....three times actually. I never answered and she left a voicemail finally saying she missed hearing my voice and hopes that I'll call her back tonight or else she will try again tomorrow.

 

She had a few drinks (6 Schmirnoffs she said) and she started opening up to me saying she misses me and really wishes I was next to her now. She says she knows what I have to offer her and it's everything that she has ever wanted....but at times she still has feelings for this other guy. They work together and he keeps getting his friends to say things to her but I know him and he is a manipulator. He will lie to get what he wants. He's cheated on past girlfriends that he's had but when I tell her this, she claims he never has. Obviously he's got her twisted and that's why I worry. She's the type that wants to see the good in people.

 

I asked her if she loved him and she said no, that she loved me....but she doesn't know how to shake what she does feel for him at times. She says she doesn't have any intention on pursuing it because she KNOWS it would never work. She is very involved in church, he doesn't even believe in God. Her family hates him. ALL of her friends hate him and warn her to stay away saying it would be the biggest mistake of her life. He's 32 years old and he currently lives with and is dating a 21 year old who he had the mortgage put in her name. He's been with this girl for 3 years now and has shown no interest in leaving. I asked my gf is he did leave his gf tomorrow, would she go after him? She said no because she knows he isn't any good for her. She just is very confused as to why she feels anything like that towards him

 

She then went back to saying how she misses me and is glad I called....and that she would call me soon. The Schmirnoffs started kicking in and she was falling asleep so we said our goodnights.

 

I know every guy at this point is probably going to say to dump her now and let her make a mistake if she chooses....but honestly, I've known my gf for 3 years and she can be very naive. I believe what she says and feel she truly is very confused right now. But I don't know how to knock some sense into her.

 

[jason83]

Ok gents and ladies....here's another question. I just got done talking to one of the other guys' ex and she laughed about the situation saying "Oh, I have 3 other girls I can tell you he cheated on and give you their numbers." and was more than happy to say to give my gf her number.She knows all of this guy's games and even called out a couple of situations I could personally use to ask questions about. She didn't, unfortunately, have much advice about what I could personally do but again said she has no reason to lie to my gf so she could at least try talking to her.

 

My friend thinks it would be a bad idea but I'm not so sure....maybe she could talk some sense into her? He says I should just tell her "Let's see other people but also keep seeing one another too" to see what she says. If she says "Ok" or agrees to it in any way, he thinks I should kick her to the curb at that moment as she is only interested in this other guy sexually since she has admitted he has nothing to offer her. I REALLY don't want to think about that but am afraid he might be right. I don't think she would act on that as I know her very well but I tell you even that thought has my stomach and heart rolling.....

 

Opinions??

[Gremio]

I'm going to be blunt here.

 

Get rid of her. She is a weak minded child. She has feelings for another guy, who her family hates, who she knows is manipulative, who her friends tell her to stay away from, but just like a child, tell her no and she wants it more.

 

Yes, people need their alone or "me" time, but never a 'break'. If you reach that point, it will never work. You have failed to communicate and work out any issues before splitting up, which gaurantees it will happen again.

[jason83]

Ok, I'm not drinking now and I've thought about this a lot....and have consulted with almost every close friend I have. I've talked to her and we're supposed to get together a little later tonight. She doesn't know what for and I never said "we need to talk" etc. to set off any red flags. I have all of her stuff packed up and plan on handing it to her and pulling the trigger on this.

 

Ultimately, it's not fair to me. A breakup will either put her emotions into perspective or quicken what is ultimately bound to happen anyway. It's not what I want by any means, but you all are right....this is what needs to happen.