motive2002 Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 Hindsight vision gets better as more time passes. I really drove her away, and the last time we talked, it was really ugly. Some things I can ascertain from our last conversation: 1. She never want to hear from me again 2. She probably hates my guts So, when things go wrong and you know it's your fault, how do you cope with that exactly? I know that you shouldn't beat yourself up over mistakes you've made, but this one is really still getting at me. I'm about to join company with Sedgewick for the longest "getting over" record. I think 8 months has been long enough for a relationship that lasted only half that.
SarahT111 Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 Hey motive! Dont worry I feel the same way as you. My first love dumped me over a year ago and it still hurts. One year ago when it happened I was in SOOO much pain and the only thing that lessened it slightly was to believe it was all his fault and he was a nasty horrible person and I could do so much better. I made myself believe this. Now that the HUGE overbearing pain has lessened I can look back and see that it was my fault. I pushed him away and I lost him. Obviously ive learned from my lessons as something like this will never happen again on my part, but it just eats away at me to know that I lost the best thing in my life and it was all my fault. Its actually caused a burried depression in me. It doesn't physically hurt like it used to and I can go on his facebook at look at everything without a flicker of pain but deep down a depression has set in. Its hard to explain and sorry if that makes no sense! So how do you cope with knowing its all your fault and they aren't coming back and potentially hate you!! Anyway motive, maybe you would like to explain why you think you have done wrong? Maybe its not as bad as you think? Prehaps you are just to hard on yourself or were put in a difficult situation and weren't sure how to act? Sorry I am useless at giving advice but I just thought it might help to know your not alone with this one!
D-Lish Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 Hindsight vision gets better as more time passes. I really drove her away, and the last time we talked, it was really ugly What happened exactly? What words were exchanged? Some things I can ascertain from our last conversation: 1. She never want to hear from me again 2. She probably hates my guts How do you know this for sure? I'd wager that anger is a better reaction than indifference. When someone is indifferent- the chance for recovery is greatly reduced. Anger on the other hand still indicates passion. It means you still evoke something in her. I doubt she hates you- you preface "hates your guts" with a "probably"... meaning you don't actually know that for sure. People calm down from their anger, they generally don't change gears from indifference. So, when things go wrong and you know it's your fault, how do you cope with that exactly? I know that you shouldn't beat yourself up over mistakes you've made, but this one is really still getting at me. First of all, you take responsibility for what you did, even if it's just acknowledging it to yourself. You can't change what you don't acknowledge. Secondly, lamenting over what mistakes were made in the past won't get you anywhere at all. Apologizing helps, and is often appreciated. My first close relationship after my divorce- the one that brought me to Loveshack, I was a bit of a nightmare to date. I had always had problems admitting to being wrong about anything. After we broke up he came by to get his stuff. Instead of begging for him back or explaining my behaviour... I gave him a heartfelt apology for how I had treated him. He was shocked to say the least, and I know he has always appreciated that acknowledgement from me. I think you cope by making the changes necessary to ensure you don't fall back into the same relationship pattern again the next time. But you're right, beating yourself up over it won't change anything or make anything better. I'm about to join company with Sedgewick for the longest "getting over" record. I think 8 months has been long enough for a relationship that lasted only half that I don't think you are breaking any records... There is no set time limit for getting over someone. I think once you let go of the guilt, you'll heal faster. I dated someone for 5 weeks once- he had such an impact on me I still think of him to this day. That was over 2 years ago. Time limits don't apply to heart break. People make you feel like you should be moving past it- but they aren't in your shoes and aren't in a position to tell you such a thing.
dead-dyke Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 What happened exactly? What words were exchanged? How do you know this for sure? I'd wager that anger is a better reaction than indifference. When someone is indifferent- the chance for recovery is greatly reduced. Anger on the other hand still indicates passion. It means you still evoke something in her. Hey D-Lish, do you think so? My recently ex wife called a week ago and just lost it on me. Told me to go to hell. I left a message on her work phone to never contact me again. - whoops? Motive - It took me over a year to finally except it. You're in good company!
Surfer Dude Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 Why do you people beat yourself up? You are just human, what you did was what you thought was best at some point, and regret is certainly not going to get you anywhere. Your ex is also responsible for the mess, remember that it takes two to start a fight. Yes, we might've done things to push them away. We might've not, it doesn't matter. How many times did our ex's do something to push us away, and yet we stayed with them and worked out the problem? Being intolerant of people's mistakes and faults in relationship doesn't get you anywhere, and if those ex's can be pushed away so easily, it means they wanted to be pushed away. It takes TWO to make a mess! Quit blaming yourself and living in regret!
SarahT111 Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 Thanks surfer dude I know this is not my thread but that was just what I needed! I hope it helps motive out to!!
Zapbasket Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 Why do you people beat yourself up? You are just human, what you did was what you thought was best at some point, and regret is certainly not going to get you anywhere. Your ex is also responsible for the mess, remember that it takes two to start a fight. Yes, we might've done things to push them away. We might've not, it doesn't matter. How many times did our ex's do something to push us away, and yet we stayed with them and worked out the problem? Being intolerant of people's mistakes and faults in relationship doesn't get you anywhere, and if those ex's can be pushed away so easily, it means they wanted to be pushed away. It takes TWO to make a mess! Quit blaming yourself and living in regret! So true, Surfer Dude. Regret isn't necessarily a bad thing, Motive. You can put it to good use as "fuel" for making changes to yourself that help ensure you don't make the same mistakes in the future. But you also have to forgive yourself--after all, as a human being, the mistakes you made with your ex won't be the last mistakes you'll make in relationships. You'll go on making mistakes and unintentionally hurting people you love until your dying day--and this is true no matter how much you grow as a person. It's just part of being human. There will be two differences in the future, if you keep working on yourself: --You'll be quicker to recognize behaviors in yourself that might make things difficult on another person, and be quicker and more flexible in choosing different behaviors; and --You'll find someone who has the maturity to recognize that no matter how great a prize someone is, they'll always have a cluster of behaviors and tendencies that will bug the crap out of her. The person will also be mature enough to not blame you for her unhappinesses in life, and will have the flexibility to stick by you through the rough times as well as the wonderful times. But: you can only find that person by exercising FORGIVENESS towards yourself. Only when you are tolerant of your own foibles, can you be tolerant of others' foibles, and only then also will you be able to attract someone who has the maturity to accept you warts and all. I can relate to you as I've had a lot of regrets about my behavior toward my ex while we were together. I'm seeing myself making similar mistakes in my current relationship and while I'm now much faster to recognize the mistakes and much more capable of fixing them due to the insight I gained through my relationship with my ex, it makes me sad that I loved my ex so much and my best at that time is nowhere near my best now. And he deserved my best. It's sad, but what can you do? (I started a thread about this and people left some thoughtful responses if you think it would be a help. The thread's title begins with the made-up word, "Humble-ment.")
madgun68 Posted December 20, 2008 Posted December 20, 2008 Hindsight vision gets better as more time passes. I really drove her away, and the last time we talked, it was really ugly. Some things I can ascertain from our last conversation: 1. She never want to hear from me again 2. She probably hates my guts So, when things go wrong and you know it's your fault, how do you cope with that exactly? I know that you shouldn't beat yourself up over mistakes you've made, but this one is really still getting at me. I'm about to join company with Sedgewick for the longest "getting over" record. I think 8 months has been long enough for a relationship that lasted only half that.Just my opinion here, but I think in short-lived relationships, you're better off not speaking especially if you're still feeling this way. Let me give you an example: The relationship that brought me here only lasted two months. After she dumped me, I did the whole begging and pleading bit until eventually things degraded to the point that we couldn't speak to each other without things getting nasty. Feeling bad, I offered an olive branch and told her I would not contact her, but she could contact me if she felt like doing so. A couple of months later, she showed up.. and I spent a LOT of time constantly questioning her behavior. (And by a lot, I mean many months.) Finally, I just gave up with the understanding that I would never know what was going on in her head and it was doing me too much harm trying to figure it out. Granted, my situation is different.. I work at a convenience store close to where she lives, but she often does things very similar to other women who have shown interest. Are we friends? Nope.. Just friendly towards one another. Would you want that though? Her sticking around probably only wanting attention all the while you're questioning everything she does? Heck, I made mistakes too. Take satisfaction in knowing that you've recognized and learned from your mistakes. and you'll not repeat those mistakes when you meet someone special again. Many people bounce from relationship to relationship and never figure out what they contribute to failed relationships.
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