Joker77 Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 My girlfriend who I have known for two years and dated almost six months broke up with me a few weeks ago. She is a single mom who has been divorced twice. From what I understood, the first guy was her daughter's biological father and they married and it didn't work out because she was young. The second guy married her and left her with a ton of debt before deciding he didn't love her anymore. After the divorce was final, he told her he had cheated on her. We started dating about 4 months after the divorce finalized. She told me she had wanted to date me from the moment she met me but I was too dense to see it. Anyways, when we broke up, she told me that she couldn't handle being in a relationship right now and that she was having financial problems that she didn't want to talk about. This was like a kick in the teeth for me because I fell in love with her and her daughter. Her daughter loved me as well. I have had people tell me just to cut my losses and forget about her, but for some reason my heart is telling me not to. I texted her one time last week to tell her that I would be there for her anytime she wanted to talk (I know it was stupid) and she texted back saying it meant a lot and she was glad I wanted to. I miss her terribly. We got along so well and we made each other laugh. What the heck should I do?
sadintexas Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 When I got divorced, I stayed away from dating altogether for one year. I met someone after a year and dated him, but even then I didn't feel ready. It took me a while to get back on my feet financially too just from the cost of the divorce and related issues (we weren't in debt when we separated other than car notes). Four months is a short period of time for her to have truly put her head back on straight and gotten her life and finances sorted out. IMO, pushing her if she isn't ready will be counterproductive to what you want. You truly care for her, so the best thing you can do is offer your support (which you have done). Be her friend.
2sure Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 It isnt much time at all. AND she at this point, with 2 failed marriages, and a financial mess, does not trust her own judgement. When we end up as single moms instead of happily ever after it takes a while to trust your judgement again. Its a scary thing - to think that you cant make decisions. Especially when you are responsible for a child. Also - she may feel that because of her financial problem (bankruptcy?) she doesn't have enough to offer someone. Unless she tells you not to - keep touching bases with her, without pushing. As long as you are a GOOD guy. She has had enough of the other kind. If you are unsure as to which you are - leave her be.
Ronni_W Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 For what it's worth, I don't think it was "stupid" to send that text. I see it as "humane and compassionate." At present, you have done all that you can. I know it's difficult if not impossible not to take her actions and words personally. But, from what she's said she is feeling overwhelmed (financial pressure being the 'instigator' only), so she is attempting to mitigate her feelings of overwhelm. You are the accidental victim of her desires to "fix" her stuff and to feel better about the various and sundry problems. Sort of, instead of looking at it like having to "cut your losses", if you can separate the negative impact that her actions have had on you, from her own needs and desires to somehow do something for herself to feel better. To try to keep in mind that she is NOT ill-intentioned towards you but is out of other options as to how she can fulfill her own desires. If that makes sense. If you are able to accept it, and can somehow convey that you do accept that she's just doing what she feels is right for herself, and that you are still willing to be there for her however SHE needs, that may keep doors open for the time when she will actually feel better and less overwhelmed. It's a difficult situation for you -- to just give total acceptance and love without asking for any immediate return.
ReeWoo Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 let he go . . . it could be any reason that she wants to make a break of things. If it were me, I'd express my desire to court her and make it clear that you are interested in what she wants. But if she doesn't want to then walk away.
Author Joker77 Posted December 19, 2008 Author Posted December 19, 2008 One thing I forgot to add is that when I asked her what I shoud do as far as the relationship goes, and she told me not to wait for her. I'm just hoping it's a case of her just needing space. I will respect it and give that to her, but it has been tough. I seriously care about her and her daughter and would do anything for them. I just hope she doesn't permanently shut me out because of two previous idiots that hurt her. My problem would be if we did miraciously get back together, I'd be afraid that she would do this again. I just don't want to pressure her and scare her away. I also hope there isn't another guy involved. It just sucks that we haven't spoken in almost three weeks and my birthday is Saturday and I was looking forward to us being together.
Author Joker77 Posted December 19, 2008 Author Posted December 19, 2008 It isnt much time at all. AND she at this point, with 2 failed marriages, and a financial mess, does not trust her own judgement. When we end up as single moms instead of happily ever after it takes a while to trust your judgement again. Its a scary thing - to think that you cant make decisions. Especially when you are responsible for a child. Also - she may feel that because of her financial problem (bankruptcy?) she doesn't have enough to offer someone. Unless she tells you not to - keep touching bases with her, without pushing. As long as you are a GOOD guy. She has had enough of the other kind. If you are unsure as to which you are - leave her be. I am a good guy, probably too good a guy. I am probably of guilty of being too nice. I'm the guy who opens car doors and refuses to let her pay for anything. I'm kind of in limbo right now since we haven't spoken in almost three weeks. I want to but I'm afraid any contact will only push her away.
Ronni_W Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 My problem would be if we did miraciously get back together, I'd be afraid that she would do this again. Once she has resolved her current financial & other stressful stuff, the factors that contributed to "this" will cease to exist. So, it would be your own fears coming to fruition, should you perceive "this" happening in the future. (It will necessarily be something different, although she may choose to handle that new situation in her old way.) There is, of course, the possibility that she might casually date or even get serious about another guy. That is often part of the whole cycle of divorce-hurt-grieve-heal-get strong-move on...it's about HER process, not about anything that you lack or have too much of. Does not really help yourself to dwell on this, though, as it just gives you something more to feel anxious about. Sorry that you won't be celebrating your birthday in your 'ideal' way -- hope you are able to enjoy your day, in any event.
Author Joker77 Posted December 19, 2008 Author Posted December 19, 2008 Once she has resolved her current financial & other stressful stuff, the factors that contributed to "this" will cease to exist. So, it would be your own fears coming to fruition, should you perceive "this" happening in the future. (It will necessarily be something different, although she may choose to handle that new situation in her old way.) There is, of course, the possibility that she might casually date or even get serious about another guy. That is often part of the whole cycle of divorce-hurt-grieve-heal-get strong-move on...it's about HER process, not about anything that you lack or have too much of. Does not really help yourself to dwell on this, though, as it just gives you something more to feel anxious about. Sorry that you won't be celebrating your birthday in your 'ideal' way -- hope you are able to enjoy your day, in any event. That's why my heart is telling me to try and stay in her life. I'm just afraid of pushing her away.
Ronni_W Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 I'm the guy who opens car doors and refuses to let her pay for anything. That doesn't make you "too nice", just "normal nice" -- I pay and open doors for guys on occasion. No big whoop at all. If you are not letting her pay even when she can and wants to, that is actually controlling behaviour. (And paying when it's not in the budget isn't "too nice", either. That's just bad money management.) That's why my heart is telling me to try and stay in her life. I'm just afraid of pushing her away. Staying in her life is NOT going to prevent her from dating, if dating is part of her process. Yes, you do run a greater risk of pushing her away if you allow your fears and doubts to influence you to act clingy or pushy. You have done all that you can, at this point. You told her that she can count on you. She knows. She will be in touch if/when she needs you.
Author Joker77 Posted December 19, 2008 Author Posted December 19, 2008 That doesn't make you "too nice", just "normal nice" -- I pay and open doors for guys on occasion. No big whoop at all. If you are not letting her pay even when she can and wants to, that is actually controlling behaviour. (And paying when it's not in the budget isn't "too nice", either. That's just bad money management.) Staying in her life is NOT going to prevent her from dating, if dating is part of her process. Yes, you do run a greater risk of pushing her away if you allow your fears and doubts to influence you to act clingy or pushy. You have done all that you can, at this point. You told her that she can count on you. She knows. She will be in touch if/when she needs you. Interesting point about the controlling behavior. I never really thought of it that way as much as I knew she was going through a hard time financially and I wanted to give her and her daughter a good time without having to worry about the financial strain she was going through. Who knows. I just leave it to fate to know what's best.
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