Phateless Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 We argue. She validates me then immediately continues to push her point. I push my point until I hear validation, and keep pushing if I don't feel validated enough. She validates me then pushes her point again. I validate her point and she continues to push her point. I push mine again until she validates again but then she continues to push her point again. And away we go!! Both of us push for validation until and after we get it. We both need to validate each other and stop pushing, and also accept less outright validation. Anyway, just thought I'd share in case anyone can relate.
Trialbyfire Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 Validation in a continuing cycle of argument doesn't do much. What matters is resolution. Is there no middle ground? Do neither of you ever roll over?
Author Phateless Posted December 18, 2008 Author Posted December 18, 2008 Validation in a continuing cycle of argument doesn't do much. What matters is resolution. Is there no middle ground? Do neither of you ever roll over? Neither of us want to. She's a 23 year old Scorpio who only moved out of her parents house for the first time 6 months ago, and has never dated a man that hasn't lived with his parents as well. Until me. I get heated if I feel like I'm being falsely or unfairly accused of something, always have. If she gets on my case about something that I feel is ridiculous but that she feels she has a right to bring up, this cycle starts. That's the thing - I will eventually cede certain points but not the entire argument. I'll say "I get that baby. That makes sense." but she will continue to push after that and that's where it really picks up momentum. We get so caught up in fighting we can't get to the resolution or strategy part of it.
Trialbyfire Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 Are the issues recurring issues or are they different, each time? Examine your last six fights.
Author Phateless Posted December 18, 2008 Author Posted December 18, 2008 Mostly silly sh*t that gets out of hand. Last night she made a sarcastic remark about how I never put her car seat forward again after I drive it. My response "are you seriously getting on my case about that?" and off we go. It's such a little thing, why would you bother to make an issue out of that? I don't get it. Of course I'm gonna move the seat, I'm 6 inches taller than her! Edit - it doesn't help that I lost my job 10 days ago and she got her pink slip yesterday...
Trialbyfire Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 Has this car seat thing ever come up before?
Author Phateless Posted December 18, 2008 Author Posted December 18, 2008 Has this car seat thing ever come up before? She's asked me to move it back at other times but I figured she was just being nitpicky and critical. I had no idea it was actually a big deal to her. And she acknowledged her mistake of bringing it up in a sarcastic way instead of just nicely asking/reminding me.
Trialbyfire Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 She's asked me to move it back at other times but I figured she was just being nitpicky and critical. I had no idea it was actually a big deal to her. And she acknowledged her mistake of bringing it up in a sarcastic way instead of just nicely asking/reminding me. Little things can grow to be big things, if not addressed. Try to show her a little more respect by not needing reminders and see if it makes a difference. Also, she needs to address how she approaches you. On the otherhand without this fight, it would have been a continued aggravation. I get the feeling you're both learning as you're going. While she might not have much life experience, she does have feelings. Can you treat her as an equal? Say this were to happen at work. You borrow someone's chair but forget to put it back. They ask you to return it. Do you ignore their request or consider it trivial? I'm putting the shoe on the other foot, Phateless. This is not an attack, okay?
Author Phateless Posted December 18, 2008 Author Posted December 18, 2008 Good call, that helps TBF. It's tough because I'm naturally absent-minded, so if something seems trivial to me, it's hard to commit it to memory. I think the lacking life experience but still having feelings is a key point. I'm glad you mentioned that.
Trialbyfire Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 Wow, Phateless, you're quite a catch! If you can address some of her small issues before they grow to big issues, but not rolling over each time she demands something, this girl is one lucky girl.
Author Phateless Posted December 18, 2008 Author Posted December 18, 2008 Wow, Phateless, you're quite a catch! If you can address some of her small issues before they grow to big issues, but not rolling over each time she demands something, this girl is one lucky girl. Haha thanks TBF. I hope she sees all that the way you do. I'm not sure she does sometimes.
Trialbyfire Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 Haha thanks TBF. I hope she sees all that the way you do. I'm not sure she does sometimes. Sweetheart, that's up to you to stress to her. If she keeps demanding one thing after another, just emphasize the times you've rolled over to make her happy and push her back. Also, use the same method I used, with her. If there are things you need, don't be afraid to express them. She has to be willing to meet you in the middle, in a net way v. each and everytime. You'll do great. I know it. You're willing. Let's see if she's willing to handle your relationship in a mature fashion.
Author Phateless Posted December 18, 2008 Author Posted December 18, 2008 Thanks, we'll see what happens. If not, I'm getting to the end of my rope and walking away seems more and more attractive.
Posco_Proudfoot Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 ] Edit - it doesn't help that I lost my job 10 days ago and she got her pink slip yesterday... It absolutely doesn't at all. Both of you are probably stressed to the max and high strung. The smallest thing sets you off.
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