base618 Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 Quick background, married 14 months, tried to conceive 14 months, ex had surgeries, hormones, insemination attempts, etc. October of 2007 was our 2nd insemination attempt, November 2007 caught her sleeping with a friend/co-worker and they ran off to another city together. It's been over a year since I've caught her cheating, and about 3 months since I've last communicated with her. It took months to settle the house/divorce issues, so there were always emails back and forth. In September, everything was finalized and I told her I never wanted to hear from her again, so roughly 3 months now no contact, and over a year since marriage ended. I never thought I'd be back on this forum after so long. This morning in the shower, started going through my mind how angry I was that I made things so easy for her. There were so many things I could have done to make her feel even a bit of the pain that I was, and I never did. They were co-workers, and I had only left the same company a few months earlier. One call or email, and the entire company would have known that she cheated on me with him. I threatened this the day I caught them, and she cried and begged for me not to do that, she wouldn't be able to go into work, it would make her life miserable, etc. So I never did, I let them live together and work together until they moved away. I wasn't able to communicate with most of our friends, because she didn't want them to know, so I went through all of the initial divorce emotions alone, so her new perfect life living with the new boyfriend could stay intact. I made the divorce easy, selling of the house easy, everything. So recently I keep finding myself getting angry about everything, and wishing she suffered at least a fraction of what I have been. Everything that I see that reminds me of her gets me angry now, angry at what happened, angry that I didn't make her life hell, angry at where I'm at in my life now, angry that she's away happy with some other guy. This anger is somewhat new, started after all contact was cut off a few months ago. I am struggling with how to get over this anger, it is starting to consume my daily thoughts if I am not busy. When does the anger start to go away?!
TTKWD Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 "angry at where I'm at in my life now, angry that she's away happy with some other guy" i'm not a therapist, but I would imagine that this is where your problem lies- In a way I would be happier knowing that my wife was in love with someone else so that I would know what to do in my relationship I think it's good to feel angry at times because it shows that you still have feelings. I don't think the anger ever goes away, just starts to lessen over time. Good news for you is that it was only 14 months invested and not 14 years to find out that your ex was not the one for you. I have thought about this in my own life and for me if and when I find that other person out there that truly wants to be with me that at that point in time I will go from being miserable to starting to love again.
2sure Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 As I have aged and changed , I look at some events in my past and have a new perspective on them. In hindsight I see mistakes I made and how I corrected them, how I am a different person now. But in some cases, with this same hindsight - I see mistakes I thought I made and realize that the person I was - was the victim of someone elses actions. And it pisses me off. I am angry for two reasons. First, I am angry on behalf of the person I was. Next, I am angry with the person who made me their victim. Especially because at the time - I took some responsibility for their actions. And this is OK. As time has gone on, I have both forgiven myself for being a victim (the hardest thing) and at least moved on from anger towards those who hurt me - to some measure of satisfaction with the knowledge that Karma is gonna stop at their house too.
Trialbyfire Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 I am struggling with how to get over this anger, it is starting to consume my daily thoughts if I am not busy. When does the anger start to go away?! The anger won't go away unless you figure out a way to let it go. If you can't do this on your own, get some professional help. I had to get help since it was becoming destructive to me, not in violent ways but in ways that weren't worthwhile to me in a positive way.
wisebutnotperfect Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 the anger is part of the progression of the overall greiving process. accept it, as painful as it is now, it will subside. to make this stage of your greving move a little more quickly i would suggest immersing yourself in your work or whatever else you can be passionate about. a hobby that you have always wanted to dive in to? find the support network that surrounds you and use it. ask your real friends to be there for you so that you can just vent. i like this site for venting as well....
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