Why do men constantly change their minds about things?

[Quest4clue]

I'm glad someone can see some humor in this situation, because it's getting more and more confusing for me by the day. lol

[Quest4clue]

Is this where I go to give an update or do a start a new thread?

[Quest4clue]

Well, I could sure use some advice right now, so i'm going to post here and see if I get any responce.

 

If you read through this thread you will see that things were rocky as to any decision from my H regarding having a child together.

 

Things have only gotten worse.

 

The last six months have been living hell for me, since he told me he wanted to have a child together.

 

My gutt told me all along this was never going to happen, and apparently I was right.

 

Last time I posted I think we were in the stages for going for testing. I did mine, everything went great. He went to see the specialist for first consult about having the reversal done. He went for his required physical and tests required for the surgery.

 

But all through that time, it has not been easy. There has been no communication by him at all. When I would ask him now and again if he was ok with everything he said he was. I have shared with him my feelings of "being in this alone". He kept assuring me everything was fine and he wanted this also.

 

Than, come closer to the surgery he started saying how he worried about the pain involved. So i was supportive about that. he already had a V so he knows what to expect as a VR is the same pain.

 

Than when he was done with that topic, it was finances and how he worried he could not support another.

 

Our finances are tight but it's not like we can't afford to put food on the table. He makes it sound like we will starve.

 

Than, it was that we needed a new furnice which costs about 5,000.00 and if we paid for a reversal we could not buy a furnice right now.

 

Than it went from a new furnice too, putting in geo thermal which costs 25,000.00.

 

More and more I found myself getting withdrawn and depressed. I did not know how to talk to him and it appeared like he is grasping and straws to come up with a good way out of not going.

 

I reached my fill just awhile ago when he went to the bank to apply for a loan to put in the geo thermal and told me the reversal would have to be put on hold right now.

 

I told him my feelings and how important this was to me. I also told him I did not understand the flip floppy behaviour and how if we can't affor to feed another, that we could afford 25,000 for heating. The furnice we currently have also works just fine but he wants to buy a 95 percent efficent one to save on heating. But could that not have waited???

 

I ask him "why now" why did you not mention these other things till three weeks before your surgery? He does not really have an answer.

 

Unless I am completely stupid, my H does not want to be a man and tell me he screwed up and never wanted another child and was only letting his insecurity and booze talk that night...and never has had the balls this past six months to put his money where is mouth is. ????

 

As a result of all this, things between us are the ****s right now. All i do is cry and wonder what the hell is going on and when he is home he pouts around with the "poor poor me" attitude.

 

I feel so hurt, I could leave.

He acts like he is doing his best and that I am a selfish bitch.

 

I have no other choice but to accept having a kid together is never going to happen. I just don't think he is being fair about this. He could have at least been honest rather than put me through six months on an emotional rollercoaster.

 

He changed his surgery three times these past few months for various excuses. I went along with it in hopes he would come around.

 

April 9th was to be his date. I have not called the clinic to cancell AGAIN because i just can't take the pain of this any more.

 

So today i sent him an email and told him this, and that he could make up his own mind what he wanted and call the clinic himself to cancel or rebook. I was done with all this, because I just can't take it anymore.

I also asked if he could please let me know his intentions sometime so i know one way or another.

 

I got no responce as usual.

 

I know I will never get an answer.

 

Is he having an affair or something? I just do not understand him.

After all this I just feel like leaving........... I am so depressed I can hardly function.

 

I have a very high paced stressful job and this added stress has not helped any.

 

To better clarify things....... he also did this with our marriage.

Asked me to marry him gave the big rock and than when the day came he runied everything by acting llike he is now with the reversal.

 

I just about left him than and probably should have.

 

And now this........ which is equally just as meaningful.

 

If he has issues or not is beside the point. You would think he would know better than to open his mouth and tell me he wanted something he never did, when knowing all along it has been always what I have wanted right from the beginning. He is in his forties but sometimes remindes me of a four yr old.

 

Can some of you shed some insight on this? Am I being out of line or what the hell is going on here?

[Woggle]

I thought this was a womanly trait. It seems that women are the ones who want something today and want nothing to with it the next day.

[kizik]

Listen, this is not about men (which is kind of offensive, anyway). It's about what YOU want out of a relationship clashing with what HE wants. You want different things. It's never going to change.

 

It's so frustrating to see people stay in relationships when all they do is fight.

[mental_traveller]

I've been married for five years and together for ten with the same man. When there is important choices to be made he acts like he is from another planet. One day he is all for the idea and the next day can't make up his mind. Reminds me of that song, "hot and cold" by kerry petty.

I find this frustrating to say the least. Does anyone have any answers for me?

 

I'm like this too, keep changing my mind on most things. However what I've noticed is that on occasion I make a decision almost instantly and stick with it. That happens when it's something I really feel strongly about, and my intuition is almost always right. I waver on trivial stuff that doesn't really matter, or when I just don't have much interest. So if I go hot & cold on someone I am dating, I know that it means I am never gonna be serious with them. If I am hot and cold on where to go for vacation, means the destination doesn't do much for me. Etc etc.

 

So basically you should take charge when his opinion fluctuates, make the decision yourself and just tell him to suck it up and deal with it - in reality he will not really care either away, but a bit of tact from you could help if he doesn't like being overtly ordered around. But if he is *really* convinced and never wavers for days/weeks about something, give in and let him take control of that, whatever it is.

[mental_traveller]

Just read your later posts. If he "fluctuates" about a kid, means he doesn't *really* want one. Since you can't change your decision on having a child, once it's born, I would say BAD idea to have a kid with this guy. He will resent you for it IMO.

 

Up to you if you wanna stay with a guy who doesn't want kids.

[Quest4clue]

Thanks Mental Traveller,

 

As much as it hurts to admit, I know you are right. Kinda knew it all along, but was in denial. Thought it was just normal for someone to have

doubts like he was about big life choices such as having a child.

 

Right now I am struggling with my own emotional issues from this.

It has not been easy for me, and i'm not sure what will come of this.

 

To me this is a huge deal breaker in a marriage. Leading someone to beleive it's what you want for your own personal gain, only to desperately come up with every excuse in the book at the end to try and cover the truth.

 

I feel cheated and unappreciated.

 

Sure...maybe hot having a child together, is not the end of the world. But leading someone to beleive you do when you really don't is a different story.

 

I'm in my mid thirties. If I would have been told the truth from the beginning I could have made different choices.

[Dexter Morgan]

I've been married for five years and together for ten with the same man. When there is important choices to be made he acts like he is from another planet. One day he is all for the idea and the next day can't make up his mind. Reminds me of that song, "hot and cold" by kerry petty.

I find this frustrating to say the least. Does anyone have any answers for me?

 

Gee, I remember hearing somewhere that "a woman is entitled to change her mind"