Why do men constantly change their minds about things?

[Tomcat33]

My main issue, perhaps not relevant to the OP, is not being heard. I learned to reflect back what I'm hearing from my wife to ensure my perception is the same as her intent. I very seldom get that kind of reflection from her, even if I ask for it. OP, any relevance here?

 

 

That is an excellent point Car, which also ties in to the "sales" example. The thing that differentiates a good salesman from a terrible one is that that the terrible one is so intent on getting their product recognized they fail to actually hear out the needs of the person in the buying seat. You can have the best product in the world and you can be great at convincing people of that, but if your only intent is to get YOUR point across and only that, you will fail miserably.

 

Often times we think we are having a good deep open discussion with our loved ones when all we are doing is shouting louder what we need to be heard completely dismissing what the other is also looking to have heard.

[Quest4clue]

LOL I'm trying to not bust my guts right now with the irony.

My husband is a sales person. Does this mean I got screwed over?

[Tomcat33]

Wow now that is irony at its best!

 

My ex was in sales possibly the most indecisive person I have ever met, and he was like this about EVERYTHING, maybe since they know what they are up to that is why they fear so much. One day he wanted blue the next it was red the next day it was back to blue then it was blue ON red, it drove me NUTS. And this mental rollercoaster was every single day about every single issue and decision. It was like dating Woody Allen on speed. I am amazed he even managed to get dressed some mornings.

[carhill]

LOL...my best sales pitch (I own a business) is not talking about my services at all, rather to establish rapport with the customer. We talk about everything but my services, in the beginning

 

Yep, OP, you got the shaft.

 

Personally, if my wife were in sales and I felt she was "selling" me, I'd be offended in the extreme. See my prior post about trusting salespeople I don't think this is your situation. TBF, suggesting passive-aggressive behaviors, has a point. It's up to you to decide if you want to see how deep the rabbit hole goes....

[Phateless]

It's an intelligent/overanalytical thing. I get that way sometimes. I hate it.

[Quest4clue]

Oh my goodness. That sounds like him to a T. Maybe you dated him before he came my way?

 

Your obviously a lot smarter than I am. LOL;)

[Tomcat33]

Nahhh not smart at all actually if I were I wouldn't have gotten involved with him in the first place, he drove me nuts I finally had to say I can't do this anymore I can't keep up, I need my sanity back.. but that's another story...

 

In fact I doubt it's the same guy, your guy had enough gumption to go through with becoming a dad, mine couldn't decide on that and he had been married prior to meeting me and never had children because as he put it "I wasn't sure I wanted to spend the rest of my life with that woman" HELLO then why did you marry her?

 

Don't give up on yours yet, he sounds like there is hope yet.

[Quest4clue]

You know when your gutt chimes in and gives you a smack on the head?

 

My gutt is telling me i was fed some bull to give me a little false hope

when I needed it most. And now when things are getting a bit closer to home for him, his brain is in a panic to try to find a way out of his verbal mess he created.

 

Any takers? lol

[Tomcat33]

Yes I totally do know that feeling. I think sometimes we confuse our gut with our mind. The mind is what sits at the front of our heads it is that devil voice that tricks us into certain thought processes. That is such a natural process of thought. I can totally relate to that. I think guys mean what they say when they are in the moment then they walk away and get in their own heads and become their own worst enemies they create all these obstacles in THEIR heads and start to believe them and this is often what what tips them against what they decided.

 

Don't forget that you said this:

 

We have had some rocky family issues over the years. I think he fears history will repeat itself. It does seem like he truly wants to have a child though....so I am confused as heck.

 

I think that is your gut talking not your mind.

 

On the contrary when you say he is just trying to trick you and take advantage of you I think that might be your mind talking vs your gut.

 

See the difference?

 

It's really hard to do in the moment, but this is the time where you have to put all your negative thoughts aside and put his mind at ease through actions and in turn he will put his own mind at east. that is why the open dialogue is key. If you can prove to him that you can work through this conflict that might be what he needs to make him see his crazy thoughts are unfounded.

 

 

It's hard but not impossible.

[Quest4clue]

Ohh yes, but just to be able to have a TALK with him without him flipping OUT would be very nice. He has two modes. One, total silence where he don't come out of his shell. and two, outrage. He tries to twist everything around to creat a argument, rather than TALK about the issue at hand.

 

I resent the fact, he can only talk about this before or after sex.

This is a big choice. We are talking about bringing a life into this world. The sex is the easy part!!

 

Maybe your right. Could just be over-reacting.

[Tomcat33]

I want to make very clear I don't think you are over reacting at all.

 

I think you are up against some very confusing behaviour on his part and it is really difficult to get past his confusion when he won't even have a levelled discusion with you. But try to get to the root of that, what is it that is holding him back from discussing things in an adult way. Jog back to the last time you tried to discuss things and look at what it was that triggered a negative reaction in him and how the conversation took a turn for the worst.

 

There are too many factors that play into this that it's hard to give a cut and dry answer on how to deal with the situation. Like for example he will only discuss before or after love making, while a lot of prof relationship advice will say keep certain negative topics out of the bedroom sometimes you just have to go with the moment, sometimes that IS your window of opportunity where your partner has their guard down and is more open to an honest discussion because after a love making session we feel closer to each other, we feel bonded. So what are you going to do put the kibosh on the talk because psychologists say don't discuss things in the bedroom?

 

It's in the way in which you discuss things that needs to create safety for him so that he doesn't feel pressure and instead feels a safe enough to truly share his skeletons in the closet. How you do that you have to figure that out because you know him best. I know it's a lot to ask because you prob feel at your rope end.

 

Hey in the end it could be something totally unrelated to his fears and concerns as a couple it could totally just be his own midlife crisis crap he is going through who knows...

 

That's why I personally have a really hard time with one size fits all answers, each individual situation is unique because each person involved in a sit. has their unique set of experiences ideologies quirks and troubles/baggage they carry so what you see is not always the same for everyone.

 

Curoius to know what he says when you ask him why he planted the seed in your brain and then is the one to pull out?

[Quest4clue]

Yes, i'd like an answer to that also.

 

My thoughts are, why bring it up if your not sure about it, to start with?

 

I's be deeply content if I could at least get a decent respectful answer to that one. lol

 

I'll keep you posted.

[IrishCarBomb]

One day he is all for the idea and the next day can't make up his mind.

 

I know what you mean!

 

Like... one day I totally wanted a meatball sub for lunch, but then the next day I couldn't make up my mind so I didn't eat lunch. I feel dizzy.

 

Wait... not on point? Whoops.

[carhill]

I know this feeling. I walk into Subway, look at the lunch board, change my mind so many times, get confused and then walk out without eating

[Quest4clue]

No, he has no troubles ordering a sub. lol

I guess one could always look on the bright side.....

[IrishCarBomb]

I guess one could always look on the bright side.....

 

I tried that once too. The next day I couldn't decide if I wanted to look at the far side, the dark side, the bright side, or the wayside.

 

Instead I just shut my eyes and got into a car accident.

[Tomcat33]

I'll keep you posted.

 

 

Do keep us posted. Good luck with it.

 

It's feels like you are trying to train a child to go potty, "good luck with that" as in anything could happen...

Why can't men just speak up and save us all the hassles?

[crazy4you]

It's actually girls that change their minds constantly. I have a gf who does this same thing. One day she's all for something and the next she gets offended at the idea. I really don't know how to explain it but for the most part I've learned to live with it. Good luck...

 

Oh and I've also learned that being the man in the relationship if I feel strongly about something I should be assertive about it. She told me that I have to be the man despite her flip flopping opinions on things. So take that for what you will. If you have to be the man in the relationship and make decisions than do it if he can't.

[Quest4clue]

[quote

 

Curoius to know what he says when you ask him why he planted the seed in your brain and then is the one to pull out?

 

 

I asked him this and got no responce.

 

Reminded his this morning that I had to go to doc today for tests and the only responce I got was " i hate doctors ".

 

Not sure what is going though his mind at this point.

[Quest4clue]

I want him to be onboard with this 100 percent.

Taking the bull by the horns and doing everything myself in order

for this to happen, just does not seem right. He needs to be with me on this.

 

At this point, I am not sure if he is or he is not. I am really getting mixed signals.

 

It was all his idea in the first place, which makes things even more confusing to me. lol

[Trialbyfire]

I want him to be onboard with this 100 percent.

Quest, say he wanted you to get toned to the level of cut and you agreed it was the healthy thing to do. If he kept at you every day, do you think you would do it or start to resent it?

[schmuck]

I know when ever I'm flip flopping, I'm weighing my options. Which really means I don't want to do what she wants me to do, but at the same time I don't want to start a fight or piss her off, so I waffle until the situation changes, or until I can come up with some sort of compromise that I can live with. I suppose it depends on the issue.

[Quest4clue]

Let's say it was your idea to start with, than when reality sets in you start being wishy washy. That what does that mean?

[shadowplay]

Wow now that is irony at its best!

 

My ex was in sales possibly the most indecisive person I have ever met, and he was like this about EVERYTHING, maybe since they know what they are up to that is why they fear so much. One day he wanted blue the next it was red the next day it was back to blue then it was blue ON red, it drove me NUTS. And this mental rollercoaster was every single day about every single issue and decision. It was like dating Woody Allen on speed. I am amazed he even managed to get dressed some mornings.

 

That is hilarious! It may also be that some people who go into sales have a wishy-washy identity, which makes them feel ok about having a job that doesn't promote integrity or honesty. Know what I mean? Their profession causes them a lot of cognitive dissonance. Then there are those salesmen who are extremely cynical and ruthless, and always seem to know exactly what they want.

[shadowplay]

Nahhh not smart at all actually if I were I wouldn't have gotten involved with him in the first place, he drove me nuts I finally had to say I can't do this anymore I can't keep up, I need my sanity back.. but that's another story...

 

In fact I doubt it's the same guy, your guy had enough gumption to go through with becoming a dad, mine couldn't decide on that and he had been married prior to meeting me and never had children because as he put it "I wasn't sure I wanted to spend the rest of my life with that woman" HELLO then why did you marry her?

 

Don't give up on yours yet, he sounds like there is hope yet.

 

LOL, this story keeps getting funnier...