Why do men constantly change their minds about things?

[Quest4clue]

I've been married for five years and together for ten with the same man. When there is important choices to be made he acts like he is from another planet. One day he is all for the idea and the next day can't make up his mind. Reminds me of that song, "hot and cold" by kerry petty.

I find this frustrating to say the least. Does anyone have any answers for me?

[carhill]

Yes. It's a simple scientific explanation.....

 

 

Estrogen

 

 

 

[Quest4clue]

So, your saying all men are like this? lol

[Phateless]

Do a google search for "analysis paralysis."

 

Edit - it's not all men. It's him. He's probably very intelligent and likes to consider all sides of every issue and thus can't make up his mind.

[Quest4clue]

Agreed, there is always lots to consider when making important choices. Bur my questions to you all is, why does he start the ball rolling, say "yes, he wants to" do something and is going to go ahead with it, and than in a blink of an eye, he is saying "he is not sure he wants to".

 

I'm in my later thirties. Him early forties. Both of us have had children in our first relationships. We married each other and have raised all ours together. For years we have pondered having another child together.

This past summer, he tells me he really wants to have another child. I also feel I would like another child, but my clock is ticking. He must also have a visectomy reversal, for us to reach this goal.

 

So he insisted i make him an app with a specialist, which is did. He insisted he see various docs for oppinions, which we did. He seemed all good with it.

 

Now, I am getting ready to have some tests done to make sure i am good to go...and his first reversal app is in a few weeks....and all of a sudden

HE IS NOT SURE.

 

I'm frustrated. We don;t have piles of time and years to keep pondering this, it's now or never.

 

I've tried talking to him about this. He tells me he wants to have a child and wants to go ahead with all this. Than every now and than it's "i'm not sure...we would have to give up this or that....or won't be able to do that anymore".

 

Sure, there is lots of angles to look at things. But at this point it is either we do or we don't...as there is not time to be waisted.

[Phateless]

Well obviously he's unsure. Why don't you talk to him (LISTEN, don't talk) about what his thought process is for not wanting to have children. Just listen, give him the room to talk and explore his feelings.

 

Did you google that phrase?

[Trialbyfire]

Step back from your needs for a minute and pushing for your goal. Do you really want to have a child with someone who's uncertain?

[Tomcat33]

As I have always said, when a man doesn't know what he wants, he doesn't want what he has.

[carhill]

So, your saying all men are like this? lol

All men? No, absolutely not. That said, our minds are a big electro-chemical factory, and the relationships of those impulses flying around and the chemicals interacting do create a generally unique perception and process. "Estrogen" was meant to be funny, but there are hormones and neuro-chemicals which affect personality and decision-making.

 

My wife complains that I talk things to death, examining all possible avenues. She's right

 

She's also the beneficiary of that process and the intelligence which underlies it. To confound her further, I also make purely emotional, unreasoned decisions. That's the unique chemistry of my brain. Every person's brain is different.

 

So, in this process, where does the "person who cares the least has the most control" doctrine come into play? Interesting

[Tomcat33]

Didn't get to finish my last post someone else posted...

 

The bottom line is he doesn't REALLY want to have a child he is just entertaining the idea to please you, but his own needs are holding him back, hence the indecisiveness.

 

I feel for you...

[Quest4clue]

Yes, I did google that...and that fits him to a T.

[Phateless]

Yes, I did google that...and that fits him to a T.

 

Good. Do a little more digging on the correct way to talk to that kind of person and you two will figure it out.

 

Also google the phrase "assertiveness."

[carhill]

Didn't get to finish my last post someone else posted...

 

Impulsive dolt, he was

 

On-topic, IMO he's just going through the motions to placate the OP and hope she'll "get over it". He's already produced his progeny and is done with that. He sees the responsibility and remembers the dynamic with his past SO/spouse. There's a big 'danger' lightbulb going on in his brain

[Tomcat33]

Impulsive dolt, he was

 

On-topic, IMO he's just going through the motions to placate the OP and hope she'll "get over it". He's already produced his progeny and is done with that. He sees the responsibility and remembers the dynamic with his past SO/spouse. There's a big 'danger' lightbulb going on in his brain

 

 

I will not let you talk about him like that! Take it back.

 

 

I agree, he is clearly not into the idea of having a child all over again at this stage in his life and as much as the idea appeals to him on an abstract level he prob just doesn't want to go through all the baby years again. If you could get him to openly talk about his fears then you can talk through them and maybe convince him not to be fearful.

 

PS "Analysis Paralysis" is just a silly fancy name for "indecisiveness", is it not?

[Quest4clue]

Being assertive with him, is bad news. He shuts down, starts an argument to switch topic.

[Trialbyfire]

Being assertive with him, is bad news. He shuts down, starts an argument to switch topic.

Google passive-aggressive.

[carhill]

Fears....yes, fear is a strong motivator. Fear drove a lot of my analysis paralysis during the dark years. As confidence slowly returned, so did decisiveness. Even my wife has noticed this, though she still complains I talk too much

 

OP, how is your SO's confidence level, otherwise. Is this dynamic pervasive or specific to the baby issue?

[Quest4clue]

I'm going to go with "insecure". He is fear driven from his past.

However, this does not help our future out much, does it.

 

As much as I would love to have another child, it seems to me I have been getting overly excited about nothing. Not?

[Phateless]

You misunderstood "assertivesness." Assertiveness does not only mean "standing up for yourself." Assertive communication is about saying what you want to say WITHOUT being sarcastic, aggressive, mean, or overly forceful. It's about effective but friendly communication.

[Quest4clue]

This topic does not ever seem to be talked about without him flying off the handle, unless it is either before or after sex, than he seems to want to talk about it.

 

Being a women, i feel less than ok with that. To me it appears he is only saying it to get lucky? lol

 

False hope does not work for me, and he should not have brought this up in the first place and insisted i get the ball rolling, if he was not sure what he wanted.

[Tomcat33]

I'm going to go with "insecure". He is fear driven from his past.

However, this does not help our future out much, does it.

 

As much as I would love to have another child, it seems to me I have been getting overly excited about nothing. Not?

 

 

 

And that's understandable, it may not be fair to you as in it may not directly pertain to you, but his past experiences will mark his future outlooks when it comes to decision time. It's how we operate we tend to base future steps on past examples.

 

That's why it is important to explore these fears openly so that he can see that they are fears in his head based on past experiences that you had no control over (I am assuming these were experiences he had with his other woman he had the children with not you?) And it will be your job to assure him things will be different with you and you must honour your words.

 

If you want it bad enough you may have to make it your mission to create a safe and nurturing environment for him to discuss these fears openly so that you can reach a gameplan together.

 

He is probablay too in his own head right now and the only thing he sees from you when you ask him "are we good to go?" is more pressure only to add to his confusion. What you feel is understandable you want a straight answer and you want him to stick to it, that is TOTALLY reasonable you need stability too, but he is the one who is on the fence so he will need coaxing in a gentle and caring way in order to bring him over to your side. By coaxing I don't mean manipulation I mean honest open dialogue of the pros and cons and putting his mind at ease with the cons you know you can handle. Example he could fear that after the baby things will deteriorate between you and him maybe that is what he saw in his past with the woman he has his children with, who knows what his fears are?

[Quest4clue]

We have had some rocky family issues over the years. I think he fears history will repeat itself. It does seem like he truly wants to have a child though....so I am confused as heck.

 

Do i go for all the testing. Do i not go?

What is going to happen once his big day comes in a few weeks?

[Quest4clue]

To be honest, I have had some doubts about this myself, even though I would live to have another child. Our clocks our ticking though...it is now or never. It could take a couple years to get pregnant, if it happens at all, after his op.

[Phateless]

This topic does not ever seem to be talked about without him flying off the handle, unless it is either before or after sex, than he seems to want to talk about it.

 

Being a women, i feel less than ok with that. To me it appears he is only saying it to get lucky? lol

 

False hope does not work for me, and he should not have brought this up in the first place and insisted i get the ball rolling, if he was not sure what he wanted.

 

I see... how are you bringing it up? It sounds like this has become a dangerous and sore subject. What if you set aside one evening in advance to discuss this so you can hear all of his feelings, let him know you won't say ANYTHING except ask questions, and see what happens?

 

He's right to fear history repeating itself, it usually does. Maybe if you guys can get that stuff sorted out he'll go ahead.

 

In sales, people always give you their official objection first, but it takes some digging to find the REAL reason they're afraid to go forward.

[carhill]

In sales, people always give you their official objection first, but it takes some digging to find the REAL reason they're afraid to go forward.

 

That would be they don't trust salespeople :D

 

Seriously, the asking questions and sincerely listening part is effective and we dealt with this dynamic in MC, with the MC moderating the interaction, mainly to get me to shut up

 

My main issue, perhaps not relevant to the OP, is not being heard. I learned to reflect back what I'm hearing from my wife to ensure my perception is the same as her intent. I very seldom get that kind of reflection from her, even if I ask for it. OP, any relevance here?

 

Oh, BTW, IMO, such subjects (as the OP) should never be discussed in the bedroom. Also, each of you should agree to a time limit so one party doesn't get overwhelmed. I agreed to "timeouts" where my wife could disconnect from a serious discussion to regroup, without prejudice, with her responsibility to be proactive about bringing it up again later. This was a technique our MC taught us to deal with our disparate personalities...