D-Jam Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 So would any of you men or women give it up til marriage if you think you met a really great person who believes in that? Say he/she is a born again Christian who had sex before they found God, but now want to stay celibate until they are married. This also means no oral or any kind of "pleasing" the genitals. This person you met won't even masturbate (although you can in your own privacy). Would you try with this person if he/she were very attractive, they liked you, and are smart, kind, and down to Earth? Could you handle 1-2 years of no sex? If you said no because this person had sex in their past, what if he/she was still a virgin? Would you still say no?
Bells Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 So would any of you men or women give it up til marriage if you think you met a really great person who believes in that? Say he/she is a born again Christian who had sex before they found God, but now want to stay celibate until they are married. This also means no oral or any kind of "pleasing" the genitals. This person you met won't even masturbate (although you can in your own privacy). Would you try with this person if he/she were very attractive, they liked you, and are smart, kind, and down to Earth? Could you handle 1-2 years of no sex? If you said no because this person had sex in their past, what if he/she was still a virgin? Would you still say no? I think...esp in this day in age.....I definitely wouldn' begruge someone for waiting, esp with those diseases out there, Now they got STD's you can catch even WITH protection. So, can't say I blame them.
Scottdmw Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 Consider the advantages of being with this person. They are very unlikely to have a disease. They are less likely to cheat on you after marriage--if they were determined to follow their beliefs now when society is so condoning of the opposite, they will most likely continue to do so after marriage. The sex will arguably be more special. I'm a celibate till marriage type myself, but I still think there are advantages to those who don't believe that in dating someone who does. Scott
carhill Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 Not a problem, but finding a compatible woman was and is.
Bells Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 Consider the advantages of being with this person. They are very unlikely to have a disease. They are less likely to cheat on you after marriage--if they were determined to follow their beliefs now when society is so condoning of the opposite, they will most likely continue to do so after marriage. The sex will arguably be more special. I'm a celibate till marriage type myself, but I still think there are advantages to those who don't believe that in dating someone who does. Scott Yes, that's another thing I heard to, a person that saves themselves until marriage, are LESS likely to cheat on you during the marriage.
norajane Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 Nope. No way, no how will I not have sex with someone before marrying them. Physical intimacy is an area of compatibility I have to determine prior to making a lifetime commitment to someone - it is VITAL to a good marriage. Someone can be a wonderful person, but I wouldn't leave the sexual aspect to chance. I've dated a couple of people who were great otherwise, but their approach to sex was not at all to my liking and I never would have known that had I not had sex with them. And, in your example, the whole born-again Christian so I'm celibate thing...we'd be completely incompatible in general, anyway.
Bells Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 Nope. No way, no how will I not have sex with someone before marrying them. Physical intimacy is an area of compatibility I have to determine prior to making a lifetime commitment to someone - it is VITAL to a good marriage. Someone can be a wonderful person, but I wouldn't leave the sexual aspect to chance. I've dated a couple of people who were great otherwise, but their approach to sex was not at all to my liking and I never would have known that had I not had sex with them. And, in your example, the whole born-again Christian so I'm celibate thing...we'd be completely incompatible in general, anyway. Sometimes, I wonder if the whole "I have to have sex before marriage to see if we're compatible" thing is a cop-out as an excuse to have sex with no strings attached, you know, sex just for the fun of it. Just wonderin'.
Author D-Jam Posted December 18, 2008 Author Posted December 18, 2008 I dated a girl for 3 years who didn't believe in sex before marriage, so I went 3 years without sex. I did it because I thought she was a wonderful woman and it seemed like a small sacrifice for someone I even later determined I would marry. Unfortunately, our RL hit boundaries. Two years into it, she felt like there were no more sparks, romance, passion, etc...yet didn't see that celibacy was part of the reason. She one time said things felt like we were "just friends who make out". I still stayed in it because I still thought that highly of her and felt things would work themselves out when we married and thus could have sex. She ended up breaking it off with me in the 3rd year, claiming she felt no more spark and she also wanted to see other men, see the world, etc. It's been 7 years, and she recently married someone...and from what I know she remained celibate til marriage. For me though, it changed me when things broke up. I grew fed up to every woman I met having some "hitch" to them that made dating hard. It's why I would NOT date someone who wanted to wait. Even my ex felt my attitude will just keep bringing me screwed up women, but I still see her as more naive and sheltered. I never told her this, but I personally felt like a fool for giving up sex for 3 years like that...and I won't do it again. I respect those who want to remain celibate, but it's not for me. Sex isn't a sin in my book, and if I'm going to burn in hell for that, then so be it.
norajane Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 Sometimes, I wonder if the whole "I have to have sex before marriage to see if we're compatible" thing is a cop-out as an excuse to have sex with no strings attached, you know, sex just for the fun of it. Just wonderin'. If you've ever had bad sex with someone, you'd know it's not a cop-out. I would not want to sign up for that forever. No one needs an excuse for just-for-fun sex. There's certainly no need to pretend it's about marriage! Marriage is LIFETIME commitment. Knowing what your partner considers good sex is very important, or you could easily end up divorced very quickly. There are some really selfish lovers out there who think they're just great.
fral945 Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 Consider the advantages of being with this person. They are very unlikely to have a disease. They are less likely to cheat on you after marriage--if they were determined to follow their beliefs now when society is so condoning of the opposite, they will most likely continue to do so after marriage. The sex will arguably be more special. I'm a celibate till marriage type myself, but I still think there are advantages to those who don't believe that in dating someone who does. Scott Good points. On the other side, sexual compatibility could be a major issue. For that reason alone I wouldn't wait until marriage.
Bells Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 If you've ever had bad sex with someone, you'd know it's not a cop-out. I would not want to sign up for that forever. No one needs an excuse for just-for-fun sex. There's certainly no need to pretend it's about marriage! Marriage is LIFETIME commitment. Knowing what your partner considers good sex is very important, or you could easily end up divorced very quickly. There are some really selfish lovers out there who think they're just great. Yeah, but when married, practice makes perfect. ;-) You have the entire marriage to improve upon performance starting on the honeymoon night
Joyvke Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 Sex is too nice to let that be something for marriage. I can't and won't do it. .
carhill Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 Good points. On the other side, sexual compatibility could be a major issue. For that reason alone I wouldn't wait until marriage. A general question: Does penis have to meet vagina to determine sexual compatibility?
fral945 Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 A general question: Does penis have to meet vagina to determine sexual compatibility? Yes, I believe so. To me, it's analogous to "Do you need to drive a car before you buy it?"
CommitmentPhobe Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 I like sex, I especially like sex when im in a relationship. And funnily enough that makes me choose a partner who I want to undress when I see her, at least in the early stages of a relationship. So no, not a chance, it would drive me crazy.
norajane Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 Yeah, but when married, practice makes perfect. ;-) You have the entire marriage to improve upon performance starting on the honeymoon night It's not about specific moves. It's more about generosity and whether a person is able to have emotional and intellectual intimacy during sex. You can't teach that.
Els Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 Yeah, but when married, practice makes perfect. ;-) You have the entire marriage to improve upon performance starting on the honeymoon night I don't get the logic of that, despite how many people say it. Sex isn't necessarily about PRACTICE. It'd be like saying you've a whole lifetime of marriage to practice your emotional compatibility with one another. So why not have arranged marriages where you don't see the bride til the rings are exchanged? In the same way, you'd at least want to have an inkling of sexual compatibility before tying the knot, methinks. However, I choose not to have vaginal intercourse before marriage, for personal reasons. IMHO, however, there are so many other sexual activities that can be done instead, that I would have at least a reasonable gauge of me and my partner's sexual compatibility.
samsungxoxo Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 No I would not wait, I would end up dumping the guy as a result. In my view if we can't share everything there is in a relationship then I would be very frustrated, that just would be too much for me to handle. It's one thing to not be able to have sex as a result of a terrible accident or health problems but to necessary have a marraige certificate in order to do that, complete turn-off for me. So no offense but if you're one of those guys who like some girls plan to wait till marriage, then you have the wrong girl here, look for someone that's compatible.
carhill Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 Yes, I believe so. To me, it's analogous to "Do you need to drive a car before you buy it?" Corollary question: Is penis/vagina sex the only sex you consider relevant to determining sexual compatibility? To be blunt, you only know if you're compatible when yourdickinsider? I've never experienced that singularity of perspective so am interested in it
fral945 Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 Corollary question: Is penis/vagina sex the only sex you consider relevant to determining sexual compatibility? To be blunt, you only know if you're compatible when yourdickinsider? I've never experienced that singularity of perspective so am interested in it No, but it's the main one. To me, that type of sex is the most intimate of any sexual acts. How do you determine sexual compatibility?
carhill Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 For me, it's pretty easy. It's how we touch each other, kiss each other and instinctively respond sexually to each other. It's like there is a singularity of thought and emotion, rather than any sort of separate cognitive impetus for action. Penises inserted into vaginas are interesting but not the be-all and end-all. When/if you've experienced lips and certain areas of skin being as sensitive and erotic as a penis or clitoris, such will make perfect sense I recall Lizzie and I having a discussion about "faking" where she disputed my ability to "feel" such things. Perhaps it is the attention paid to all aspects of sexual interaction which helps me in this way. Can't explain it in cogent cognitive terms but it's just there. Let me perhaps understand your perspective better. What is it about when you are having penis/vaginal sex that solidifies in your mind that the woman is not sexually compatible with you? Sometimes negatives are easier to explain than positives
fral945 Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 I’m just thinking off the top of my head here, as I have most likely never thought about this to the extent that you have. What you describe happens for me during the actual act of sex itself. The eye contact, the touching, kissing, etc. I guess for me experiencing that while actually having sex is what solidifies sexual compatibility for me. Take out the sex and an important element is missing for me.
carhill Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 Haha, many, many years of penile/vaginal virginity gave me the perspective I have. It didn't happen by accident
Scottdmw Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 The "try it before you buy it" argument is talked about alot. I can't say I'm really too convinced by it though. I've had sex in the past before deciding to remain celibate till marriage, so I do have some experience to talk with. I honestly can't imagine not being able to gauge how someone would be during sex by simply kissing, cuddling, and possibly making out with the person. Intercourse is just more of the same. If someone is not emotionally generous, tender, or giving leading up to it, it's hard for me to see how you wouldn't be able to tell that, at least if you're spending a decent amount of time together before marriage. Yeah, you can't tell after 3 or 6 months maybe, but by the end of a year together? If you're really concerned with testing sex to ensure compatibility during marriage and it's not just an excuse to have sex, do you honestly only run the "test" with someone you're otherwise pretty sure you want to marry? Or do you test "early and often" with many partners whom you know in your heart you are unlikely to marry, maybe _years_ before you are even planning to get married? I mean seriously, if you're having sex on the 3rd date or whatever can you honestly say it's about determining compatibility for marriage? When I bought a car recently I only test-drove 2 models, having gone through and eliminated the rest by other means. If someone has something like that number of partners before marriage I might believe the test drive theory. It is interesting that the divorce rate shot up in our society at exactly the same time pre-marital sex became accepted. If it helps make better marriages, why didn't it go the other way?
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