Tmmm Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 Hey - sorry if this topic is covered elsewhere. But what are people's opinions with being friends while breaking up? She slept with someone else, but we weren't technically going out because of me. So I'm really not mad at her. She is innocent. Anyways, I'm still devastated though. But she really is my only friend. I do think in a way, at this moment at least, it's best we're broken up because I'm a lousy boyfriend, can barely take care of myself. Through everything though she's been the one I turn to. She wouldn't talk to me for a couple weeks which was emotionally the hardest time for me ever. We had a good talk the other day - we use to talk on the phone everyday and I still want to. Part of me does, but overall I don't want her back being friends is better. I have to restrain myself from contacting her to much.. she doesn't ffel a need to talk to me but does cause she is nice. She does want to be good friends. Ahhh.. I don't know what I'm doing, if this is good, r bad. Should I quit cold turkey? I think that might upset her though, which is the last thing I want to do.. but I need to get out of this state somehow. With nothing though... I feel such a strong need to talk to her, I can't resist. Please advise me. Thanks.
hereandnow Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 Ah, friends after the breakup. I believe if you look down to the bottom of this thread, it has links to other similar threads, I think I saw at least one similar, and it can bounce you to more of them, probably to your heart's content. I'm finding out now about this friends with exes stuff. First off right now (and it's been 2 months for me since the breakup) I have been "friendly" with my ex, but not "friends," if that makes sense. Think about this, do you want your ex to talk to you about the new guy she's dating? How great he is? Well, that's the kind of things friends talk about. Luckily my ex hasn't thrown any of that at me in passing, yet, but you never know. So it is a bit tricky. But that is the best advice I've heard on here so far. To recap: You should only be friends with an ex if you're okay with them telling you about their new significant other.
EmperorR Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 Why would you want to be friends with someone who Smashed your heart, broke your trust. Will you be ok when she or he talks about their new bf or gf?ask yourself that.
Author Tmmm Posted December 18, 2008 Author Posted December 18, 2008 Well here's the thing. She broke my heart but not my trust. I did it too myself - shot her down so she hooked up with someone else. The fact she told me in a way makes me trust her even more. And yes she told me all about the new guy. And I wanted to know. And yes some is painful but whatever, I'm the type of guy who prefers truth and pain to doubt and my imagination. We had a good talk just now. I can't not be friends with her, she means too much to me. Thanks for the responses.
Surfer Dude Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 Good luck with that. For most people the pain is too unbearable and they can't move on until they kick their ex out of their life.
BikerBeagle Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 And yes some is painful but whatever, I'm the type of guy who prefers truth and pain to doubt and my imagination.That's admirable ...but what you are setting yourself up for is experiencing that "but whatever" pain over and over and over and over and over ...ad nauseum ...as long as you pretend to be 'friends' with her. I can't not be friends with her, she means too much to me.We'll look forward to seeing you back here in a week or two, a month tops, when the emotional rollercoaster you are about to take a ride on becomes more than you can bear.
Crazy.S Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 If it works out for you, I think I might have some hope. I am too afraid to become her friend. She means the world to me and also feel like I can't just let her out of my life. After all we were lovers and best friends for four years. That is 1,460 days!
Ingenue Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 Whether you can be friends with your ex is something only you can decide. But tread carefully. Enter a friendship only when you are fully mentally and emotionally prepared to be friends with her, nothing more. It sounds like you're not ready, especially when you say you're still devastated. Most people would advocate that you kick the ex out of your life entirely and I used to as well, until a few weeks ago. Life is too short to be riddled with anger and hold grudges You need to do what's ultimately best for you and only you can judge that. I'm trying to be friends with my ex. I told him that I forgave him for what he did to me after reading a very long list of the things that I felt wronged. And since then, I've felt so released. That power of forgiveness has been liberating and I am trying to be friends with this man. We were together for 5 years, spoke every night for 3 or 4 hours and I think he'll always be in my life in some way as I grow older. But I am not deluded. We are trying as friends and nothing more. Being human means having the capacity to understand that others are also human. What he did may have been selfish and what he did may have hurt me immensely. But I'd like to hope that if one day, I am the dumper instead of the dumpee and I must do the unpleasant task of breaking up with a boyfriend and manage to do such in a way that hurts him, I hope that he will be as understanding as I am. It took me close to 6 months before I was ready to open my heart to the possibility of friendship. Give yourself some time to think about it before jumping in. It's not for everybody and it has to be what you want
LiveandLearn Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 Life is too short to be riddled with anger and hold grudges You need to do what's ultimately best for you and only you can judge that. I'm trying to be friends with my ex. I told him that I forgave him for what he did to me after reading a very long list of the things that I felt wronged. And since then, I've felt so released. That power of forgiveness has been liberating and I am trying to be friends with this man. We were together for 5 years, spoke every night for 3 or 4 hours and I think he'll always be in my life in some way as I grow older. But I am not deluded. We are trying as friends and nothing more. Being human means having the capacity to understand that others are also human. What he did may have been selfish and what he did may have hurt me immensely. But I'd like to hope that if one day, I am the dumper instead of the dumpee and I must do the unpleasant task of breaking up with a boyfriend and manage to do such in a way that hurts him, I hope that he will be as understanding as I am. I agree with you. Forgiveness is the ultimate way of getting over something like this. I'm trying to get myself where you are. Baby steps. I don't hold any hatred or contempt for my husband, but I am definitely not at that point in my life where I am ready to just be 'friends' with him. What I am having more difficulty with in regards to harboring ill feelings, is towards the OW. I know our problems existed before she was in the picture. But I just feel deeply disrespected by her especially since I even asked her to give us time, to leave him alone, and let us sort things out. I, his wife, asked the OW to give us time. WTF? yeah, so...I'm definitely trying. I know it's not impossible. It'll just take time.
Ingenue Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 I agree with you. Forgiveness is the ultimate way of getting over something like this. I'm trying to get myself where you are. Baby steps. I don't hold any hatred or contempt for my husband, but I am definitely not at that point in my life where I am ready to just be 'friends' with him. What I am having more difficulty with in regards to harboring ill feelings, is towards the OW. I know our problems existed before she was in the picture. But I just feel deeply disrespected by her especially since I even asked her to give us time, to leave him alone, and let us sort things out. I, his wife, asked the OW to give us time. WTF? yeah, so...I'm definitely trying. I know it's not impossible. It'll just take time. LiveandLearn, reaching the forgiveness stage has been a heck of a ride and I'm not even sure it's settled completely yet. But I know that today I feel better than I did yesterday and since I've forgiven him, I've found yourself with a spring in my step and a lightness to my disposition that I haven't seen in close to 6 months. Whether it's what my friends would have advised me to do (it's completely not) is irrelevant as it was best for me. Can I ask a question out of curiosity and please feel free to not answer and tell me where to go if I've overstepped. Given the unpleasant nature of the dissolution of your relationship (with the OW and your husband), how did you forgive your husband but not the OW?
LiveandLearn Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 Can I ask a question out of curiosity and please feel free to not answer and tell me where to go if I've overstepped. Given the unpleasant nature of the dissolution of your relationship (with the OW and your husband), how did you forgive your husband but not the OW? That's what I don't understand either. Throughout all this mess, I was more upset with the OW than I was with my H. I disliked her more than I did my H. Given, I never blamed her for any of this. I didn't even blame my H. I did blame myself. I've slowly backed away from that since, though (blaming myself). There really is no logic as to why I hold so much contempt and disdain for this woman than my husband. What upset me so much was the fact that she was at our wedding and reception. She threw us a mini wedding shower. And even a couple weeks after our wedding, she just nonchalantly chatted me up like nothing, all the while she had this secret relationship w/ my husband. I dunno. I wasn't able to get upset with my husband, but it was easier for me to be upset with her.
Ingenue Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 Betrayal is a hard emotion to understand. Emotions are difficult to process to begin with. Often we never know why we're angry and why we're angry with the people we are angry with. Given your circumstances, you're entitled to be angry. Maybe for you, it seems like more of a betrayal from her because she threw you the minishower?
LiveandLearn Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 Betrayal is a hard emotion to understand. Emotions are difficult to process to begin with. Often we never know why we're angry and why we're angry with the people we are angry with. Given your circumstances, you're entitled to be angry. Maybe for you, it seems like more of a betrayal from her because she threw you the minishower? I dunno. Maybe? The fact that she had the nerve to still show up to our wedding! Because their EA happened before we were even married. And I've met her before we got married, so it's not like she didn't know about me. She's his boss. Ugh...she just rubs me the wrong way. For instance, after my husband and I got back together when he first moved out, I had briefly talked to her. She had said to me "Nothing like this is going to happen again". I just replied "OH, well thank you. That's mighty kind of you". A month or so later, he realizes he can't "ignore" his feelings for her. She starts txting him again, they start txting each other. Bah..it's just one long convoluted story.
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