smiiiley Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 I posted here two months ago when my ex broke up with me. Here is my story (im soo sorry this is long, please bare with me and give me some advice because I really need it...) For some reason a couple of years prior to meeting my ex i wasnt "happy"...why? can't quite put my finger on it. I can honestly say that when I met my ex, I felt like he had come to my rescue (as cliche as this may sound, being in love changed my whole life, i had NEVER been that happy, ever). As time went by (2 years) we saw each other all the time, i started staying over his family's house alot, i got to really love his parents and in my mind i NEVER imagined him leaving me. But he did...he broke up with me because he said i was always around and he simply got so used to me, he didnt have romantic feelings for me anymore...but he still found me attractive..He said besides that he felt nothing for me and saw me as just a friend... Okay that crushed me, but what's even worse is that I begged and cried and screamed for him to take me back. I feel sooo embarrased now when I look back. I know at the time I wasn't rational and just thought I would show him how I feel. He became a different person, the sweetest guy ever turned into an a**hole...he treated me cold and told me to move on, we were done. He apologized for hurting me but said he didn't know what to tell me because he no longer felt the same towards me. I kept on trying and trying to keep him in my life untill this one day when he actually told me "I'm okay without you in my life but I see you can't live without me. I don't know what to tell you. I'm sorry for hurting you but you need to move on." then he adds the line "i'm still your friend and will always be here for you." After that he NEVER called me, not once...he sent me a text saying "hey, how are you? hope everything is okay." (which i think he did it to relieve his own guilt) I went through HELL because of him leaving and treating me cold...God, i cannot even put into words how much I was hurting...Now I feel like I have fallen into depression..I havent called him in over two months..I still have te urge to call him everyday but I dont..but believe me it is TOUGH to resist...Lately I just stay at home, i dont talk to any of my friends (for some reason i feel very annoyed by them lately)...i dont feel like doing NOTHING...nothing excites me, nothing makes me happy...i dont even cry, i feel numb...almost as i wish i could step out of my body and be in a different situation... I still think about my ex...I still miss him and love him...i still want to break NC and talk to him...i feel soooo hurt by his actions, i feel more hurt by how he acted than i do for our break-up...i cant get passed the idea that someone i loved with all my heart turned around to hurt me sooo bad, treat me soo cold and at the end of the day NOT CARE...i feel dead on the inside...it feels like nothing matters...i feel like nobody understands, i hate how everyone around me is happy (i sound horrible but im so jealous of people who are still together)...i dont talk to anybody because i dont want to be the "depressed" one......it is truly a terrible terrible feeling...now that the holidays are here...i wish i could just sleep through them.......im so sick and tired of this
quankanne Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 ever heard of that song, "cruel to be kind"? sounds like that's what he's been forced to do to help you get to the next stage. Because sometimes it's more painful knowing that someone you loved is miserable because of unrequited expectations. I don't think he's necessarily being an a-hole because he can, but because he realizes it's the only way you are going to start the healing process. And maybe more than just a little bit to help you see that the kind of love you feel for him borders on the unhealthy because you're expecting him to be responsible for your happiness, and that's neither fair nor right ... to EITHER of you. you need to allow yourself to move through your pain and grief over the loss of someone who had been such an integral part of your life, and allow yourself to accept that things will gradually get better if you just let them. And don't shy away from letting others know you are in pain; maybe they're able to help, maybe they're not, but no one can understand" your pain if you refuse to allow them inside, you know? yeah, I sound like the bossy old lady, but I promise you that you will come through this intact if you allow yourself to do so ... that wallowing in pain is theraputic for only a short amount of time, you've got to let yourself heal, kiddo. hugs, quank
heartbroken55 Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 I totally understand the pain you are feeling. I fell into a deep depression and thought it was the end of the world. I even thought about suicide... (Don't you do anything stupid). Obviously I snapped out of it. My gf/fiance of 4 years broke up with me about a month ago and it was really tough for me as well. We were so loving to each other and then one day she was like a totally different person. Very cold and apathetic to me. I felt like the person I fell in love with, died. It was by far the most difficult thing I have ever had to deal with thus far in my life. Things are getting better though. I'm forcing myself to go out and do things. I never say "no" to any invitations. I just got back from a work function that I usually decline to go to every year... and this year I stuck to my rule of not saying no and went. I had a blast. I didn't think about her for a moment. Well maybe one tiny moment only because someone there brought her up. I also make plans with old friends that I haven't seen because I was too caught up in my relationship. I try to see family whenever I can. I give extra effort at work. I got rid of all the pictures and stuff of us, deleted my myspace and facebook so I can't check up on her. Every time I saw pictures of us or her it just brought back old feelings and hurt me too much, so I got rid of them. One thing that makes me feel a lot better besides writing on this forum is doing stuff that I used to do before I met my girl. This was a time when I was totally happy without her. It made me remember the person I was. For me it was listening to a particular singer, Josh Groban if you have to know. I used to listen to him a lot before I met my girl. So it made me feel a lot better. Everytime I feel sad, I just start listening to him. Maybe there is something that you used to do a lot too before you met your guy. Maybe you can start doing it again and try to remember the person you were before you met him... I'm sure you were totally happy without him. I know this time is hard for you, it was and is hard for me as well. But we just have to stand our ground and be strong for our own sake. I know in my heart that if me and my girl were meant to be... we will be reunited somewhere down the road. For now just keep your chin up and take it one day at a time. Smile and try to get out of the house. Staying locked up in your room and not talking to anyone will only make things worse. Goodluck to you.
Author smiiiley Posted December 18, 2008 Author Posted December 18, 2008 actually the life i had befor ei met him is exactly what i DONT want to go back to...i wasn't happy at all...and now it's even worse...i hate this..thanks for your advice though
quankanne Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 smiiiley, now is precisely the time to reinvent yourself. Being alone is just a place to begin, to discover who you are and what you are, and most importantly, what you want of life. It doesn't have to be a negative experience, if you just allow yourself to find the upside of it. I got rid of all the pictures and stuff of us, deleted my myspace and facebook so I can't check up on her. Every time I saw pictures of us or her it just brought back old feelings and hurt me too much, so I got rid of them. wow ... that's pretty determined, and not so easy to do. I know when The One told me he was moving in with his married girlfriend, and *we* were over, my world fell completely apart, and I didn't know what to do other than just walk away with my dignity, because I thought we were exclusive. oh yeah, I cried for him – he was someone that I was in love with and someone I loved deeply, and I honestly believed that nothing or no one would ever be better for me than him, even though I completely shut out any thoughts of trying to get him back. not long after that, I met Mr. Quank and while I had certain feelings for/about him, I didn't let them interfere with my belief that College Guy was still The One. we were in a long-distance relationship that culminated in marriage several years later ... and while I loved my husband like no other, some part of me was still convinced that College Guy was definitely the one who got away. Until I realized that I was where I was meant to be, with the person who I was meant to be with, and that my relationship with that other guy was mostly idealized and romanticized, and not what I really and truly needed, you know? hanging on to that ideal is probably the stupidest thing I've ever done, and hooking up 20 years ago with the guy who would end up my husband was the smartest, because what I've learned is that every love relationship you have, failed or successful, brings you that much closer to the love you're meant to have, and helps you to understand just what capacity love you are able to share with someone. I think you're going to do just fine, HB, because even though you're still hurting, you understand the lesson of love you lived with your ex ...
hereandnow Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 Hang in there Smiiiley, yeah it hurts, I'm hurting too, but we can get through this. I think back to when I started dating my ex gf. I never saw it coming. That's the way it will be again. We have to make sure and open ourselves for new experiences. I'm trying to take this advice myself too! This is my first time dealing with the end of a relationship like this and yeah, it's f***ing rough! Sometimes I think, who was I to believe I could be the lucky one who never had to feel this! I wish with all my heart that I was that lucky one, but it turns out I'm not. Oh well. We will be stronger because of this.
Author smiiiley Posted December 18, 2008 Author Posted December 18, 2008 Guys I have a question... It's about NC...Truthfully I feel like the more I stay away from my ex, the more he moves on..and the more I miss him. Everyday I fight the urge to call him, but it is only getting worse not better...I know there is nothing left between us but he was my BEST FRIEND i hate him but i love him and im in a battle. i need him in my life because as dramatic as this sounds, i live in pain simply because hes not around, and i know i would be good for him even if just as a friend..i love him and want to be close to him...on the other hand i hate him and think that if i call him, he will only be rude and hurt me even more... either situation i LOSE...if i dont call, he wont and he will be a memory forever im scared he will completely move on while i'll still be here loving him...AND to top it all off i feel liek there will come a day where i cant take it any longer and im gonna try to contact him...but it would be too late n awkward... yet if i do call him, im afraid he'll only be rude or indifferent...and i DONT want to feel like crap afterwards.... why does this sh*t hurt soooo damn bad?? its been 2 months NC....i know you guys will say "you'll be okay" "time will heal you" but im not seeing it and im sorry to say this but any words of wisdom dont take this heartache away........ Damn it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
quankanne Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 I say stick with the no contact so that you can learn to be happy in your own skin. You definitely don't want to burn bridges, but you need to heal and to come to the understanding that you're going to be all right when all is said and done. getting in touch with him at this point is like driving over every big pothole in the road that you're traveling on – after awhile, you start to realize that it's not helping your car but hurting it. why does this sh*t hurt soooo damn bad?? because you put your heart into the relationship and gave your all. On the one hand, it totally sucks to have to go through this pain, but on the other hand, you gained something very valuable from this relationship with this guy. When you get a chance, look up the lyrics or even the video to Garth Brooks' "The Dance" – there's a lot of truth in that song.
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