4by4 Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 Many of you know my story, broke up with the ex of 3 years 5 weeks ago. Said she wanted time alone and be single for a while, said she wanted freedom. In the first week, she asked me to remain friends and obviously keep me in her life, but I told her I didn’t want friendship and we haven’t spoken since. I know she still tells her friends I was a great guy and that we are on a break as opposed to “break up”. I just bumped into her at lunch time completely by chance. She was walking back to her office hastily. We stopped and started talking, ended up having a good convo for 10 mins. She asked how I was, gave me the heads up on her travel plans (she is headed overseas for 2 months after Xmas). Neither of us rushed the conversation, although I took the lead and said I had to go. I left by telling her to pass on a Merry Xmas wish to her folks (who I know quite well). Funny how so much can change in the space of 5 weeks, part of the reason why she left me was because I went through a depressed stage, I never got over the fact I was cut from my job many months ago and felt lost with my life, she got bored and felt I was burdening her with my own problems. When she broke up with me, she said I had lost my spark and was no longer the same interesting person. Since then, I have landed a great new job, bought my own place and started to develop new interests like cycling, creating websites, learning the guitar, caught up with so many friends, devoted more time to family etc. Not because I wanted to do everything to impress her but rather to fill the void she left me with. In a way, I would never have gotten back on track with all the other aspects of my life if she hadn’t left me. The break up woke me up! On the flip side, she looked jaded, thin and pale. She had no make up on, dressed like an old admin lady and kept complaining about her stressful job and how unhappy she was with work. I know the right thing to do is move on and just stop thinking about what would have happened had I been perfectly happy with my own life. But it’s hard not to contemplate the possibilities now that I am fully back on my feet. We were together for 3 years and were happy for the vast majority of those 3 years. I know contacting her now wouldn’t make a difference, she has clearly lost feelings. Going NC has been so helpful and I plan on continuing for at least another 2 – 3 months until she gets back from the trip overseas. But I wonder if we could try again like she initially said after breaking up. I know I can’t make her feel something for me but do girls ever rediscover the old feelings given enough time and space? I’m confused because letting her go completely is probably so much easier but I can’t help but think we can still be a great couple.
BCCA Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 Don't initiate any contact with her at all, ever. I know, we would all like to beleive that if we dont keep in touch people will forget, but thats simply not the case. If she gets those feelings back, or changes her mind, trust me - she'll let you know. I wouldnt count on it, though...it honestly probably wont happen. And youre guilty of the same thing most people are: filling in the blanks for what 'really' caused the break up. Listen man, you dont know that your depression caused it, and even if that was a problem, if she was really that into you she would have been there for support and to help you out. She wasnt, she bailed. In short, give up any hope that in a few months things will be different; they probably wont. Move on, let the past be the past. Next time you run into her, you dont have 10 minutes, you have like 5 seconds and you have to go. Dont waste your time man.
LikeCharlotte Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 I don't know... I almost think it might be good to go find out if its still there. She doesn't seem to be in a good place but you've really grown and I honestly think it might be worth it to ask her how she feels. Keep in mind that I haven't read your back story. I am going on what you said here. Is there more? I usually read backstory but I'm going out in a bit. So, am I missing something here?
Author 4by4 Posted December 19, 2008 Author Posted December 19, 2008 I dated this girl for 3 years and for the most part, we were both happy. She always had more power and control over me and she abused it every time we fought. No cheating, abuse or anything like that during the relationship.. although we have said things and acted out some psycho moments to hurt each other in the past during really bad fights. She would always threaten to walk away/leave me but once we made up (usually at my request), she would apologize and we would go back to normal again. In the beginning, she would tell me she didn't mean it, then it became "I don't need you but I do still want you". When we broke up, she said she didn't even want me anymore. I stuck around hoping she would get the feeling back but clearly she lost it bit by bit. She initiated the break because she felt so burdened and tired of putting up with me (must admit I was a real pain in the neck for a while with the whole losing job thing, I was generally depressed and anti-social). Since the break up, I have asked her on 2 occasions now if we'll get back together, her responses were "I don't know" on both occasions. When I probed her once, she said she doesn’t want a relationship right now and she is enjoying the freedom. She said she still loved and care about me, although it's not the same feeling. Shes just not sure if that romantic feeling will come back. Actually, as I'm typing this, I feel rather pathetic for even thinking we could be a great couple. Maybe once upon a time, but she has treated me with no respect and like BCCA said, instead of providing support, she chose to walk away when things got tough. I don't think I need anymore advice, I know shes not worth any more of my time. I'm going NC all the way!
BCCA Posted December 20, 2008 Posted December 20, 2008 Good for you, stick with it bro! When you meet someone worth your time, you'll wonder why you even spent 5 minutes worrying about her.
uptown Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 When I have doubts about staying NC, I always come to the forum and read BCCA's posts. Sometimes I wonder if it would make more sense to change the forum title to 'Not A Second Chance'.
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