thisismystory Posted December 18, 2008 Share Posted December 18, 2008 i know there's been a lot of posts on this before but just wanted another light on this situation: my bf and i are 19 years old and at college 700 miles apart. we dated for about 6 months, 4 of which are long distance. lately, communication has been dry. there were times i felt lonely and just went like "hey....we barely talk anymore. what is up? what's wrong?" he goes like "i don't know. that's just how i am" i accepted the answer. i think that scared him away. but i'm just tired of always being the first one to contact him. we don't talk on the phone. we talk solely using AIM. and sometimes webcam (used to be once a week. now once a month? but only when i ask him to). i have tried the not contacting him at all thing and it DIDN'T WORK at all. i always give up after 2 days. he isn't ignoring me. he replies usually immediately after i IM him but i'd like for him to start contacting me more T_T i need some reassurance. today i was talking to him and he stopped responding. i said "hello?" and he came back after a while saying "was just studying for my final"....since he did have a final today. so i was like "ok" the conversation died. after he signed off to take his final, i wrote him back saying "hey sorry if it seemed like i overreacted. it was wrong of me to expect you to reply quickly when you're studying" and i added "you have a cute scrowl on your face when you're concentrating on something" it was an offline message but he never replied to it. not sure if i should be bothered. but i feel horrible for giving in again! thing is....christmas break is coming. i was planning on visiting him the day after our vacation. because his brother won't be back by then (they share the same room) and we want time alone this is probably gonna be the only time where we'll see each other. his vacation is 17 days long only. and i wanna cherish the few days we might have together but i'm not sure if i should bring it up until he does. if i should just ignore him and not talk to him until he brings up me visiting (well not sure if i can ignore him for that long) because i certainly don't wanna be one of those girls that come on too strong. but i'm afraid i already have. my guy is also very closed off. he doesn't like to talk about his problems. he doesn't reply to emails. he's really sarcastic and blunt and don't know how people feel sometimes. when he's doing something, he has to concentrate on that something. sooo i don't know whether it's b/c AIM is causing misunderstandings and he's just like that or if he's not interested in me anymore. anyone got similar experiences to share? Link to post Share on other sites
ballet_tessa Posted December 18, 2008 Share Posted December 18, 2008 I feel like that it's the exact opposite with my bf. He certainly is a good communicator, he almost plays on words and I mean that in a positive way. I'm the one who doesn't necessarily answer the phone or call but for me this is just a way of self protection because if I don't talk to him I can put my feelings on the back of my mind and just ignore the fact that I miss him a lot... I don't know what's going on in your bf's mind but still wanted to give another perspective for this... maybe you should really try not to contact him for a couple of days. for me that usually works because I hate not to talk to my bf for more than 3 days, so if he doesn't call I'll contact him after some time Link to post Share on other sites
Author thisismystory Posted December 19, 2008 Author Share Posted December 19, 2008 Regarding the lack of communication... I actually just decided one day that I was not going to call or text him first anymore, so.. I didn't, and you know.. he never dropped off the face of the earth. He did contact me, not as often as I would like of course, but he did call. I did that for a while but gave up on it because I decided I didn't want to force myself not to call or text... it felt pretty unnatural. I just realized that he is different than me.. that he doesn't "need" to stay in touch as frequently as I would like but it didn't mean he cared any less than I did. I knew a lot of my need to stay in touch had to do with my own insecurities, so I tried to just accept him for who he is. I started working on myself more... taking walks, trying to stay busy and healthy and more focused on myself. That helped a lot. I am now working 40 hours per weeks and THAT has really taken all the excessive free time off my hands... a job is a good thing. that's exactly how i feel. i don't wanna feel like i'm suffocating him by contacting him too much but he just won't open up to me. i know he will contact me eventually, but not enough. and sometimes, i say really cute stuff to him and he doesn't really reply. i can't help but think i'm scaring him away. we're both in the same city now because it's Christmas break. and i really hope that we could meet up but I just don't wanna be the first person to contact him about it. it's just really really hard, and i'm really confused. i'm praying he will contact me in the next few days. Link to post Share on other sites
LDR Posted December 20, 2008 Share Posted December 20, 2008 Same thing happens to me. Sometimes I try to make conversation and he does not respond or answers saying something completely unrelated. Makes me feel as if I bore him, is not interesting in what I have to say Link to post Share on other sites
ATR Posted December 20, 2008 Share Posted December 20, 2008 Me and my ex broke up partly over this. I was always initiating the conversation so one day i gave up and we went without contact for a couple of days. She sent me a text asking if i was "pissed" then a couple of days later she dumped me. Link to post Share on other sites
lesoiseaux Posted December 21, 2008 Share Posted December 21, 2008 This worries me a little bit. Not to say that I am an expert, because I too am 19 years old, but this has happened with my current (and first) boyfriend as well. We are not an LDR but I have experienced this during breaks (i.e. Thanksgiving, Winter, Spring, Summer vacations). First I'll tell you a little bit about my experiences just so you can get some context. My boyfriend of 1 year is not the best communicator either, but this seemed to worsen when we had problems (when at some point he wasn't sure if he wanted a relationship). Right now we have moved past that and are the happiest we have ever been, but winter break has started so I won't see him for a month. Currently he is out of the country on vacation and unreachable by phone, so I can't really say if his communication will be better when he gets back, but I have a feeling it will be. At the very least, I won't worry nearly as much now about communication as I used to, when he and I were on the verge of breaking up. Based on my experiences, I don't think you should have to be worrying about this all the time. Even if your boyfriend is "the way he is," you are the way you are--and you want some contact that you don't always have to initiate. I don't think you should be hesitant to call him to hang out when the two of you, usually 700 miles apart, are in the same city. I don't think this is coming on too strong, because you have a right to expect that your boyfriend will want to see you. I too have refrained from calling my boyfriend to see if he would call, and oftentimes it never really worked, usually because I caved. So I would say you can try that, but at some point you will have to talk to your boyfriend about this. You can't be doing these little phone tests for the rest of your relationship, especially if you are long-distance. Please know that I give this advice from the heart because I really have been there. I know I can't speak from the point of view of an LDR but I hope it helps, especially since we are the same age. You don't deserve needing to worry about this all the time, and I really think your boyfriend should call you more often. He does not necessarily need to call as often as you would like, but the two of you do need to reach a compromise. Link to post Share on other sites
Author thisismystory Posted December 22, 2008 Author Share Posted December 22, 2008 well i webcammed with him today. i tried to bring up issues. he said "i don't know. i have nothing to say" which is so frustrating b/c it's like talking to a wall. overall though he seemed pretty delighted to see me. however, i IMed him to ask him to hang out with me. and he either tells me his parents will be home when i wanna visit or he doesn't like the certain movie I proposed to watch. i tried again...this time just saying "when are we gonna hang out?" and no response as of yet, even though i know he's online and not away from the computer (i see him on Facebook). i don't know what to make of this. i asked if he wanted this relationship. and he seemed pretty happy about it. yet he's just plain avoiding the idea of meeting up even though we're in the same city. i'm not sure if it's because we have 2.5 more years of college and he's distancing himself from me to not get hurt and miss me (but what is the point in that if he doesn't even wanna see me) or he doesn't want this anymore. by which...i can easily propose we break up. and he also just ignored that when i mentioned it to him. Link to post Share on other sites
MissMeBaby. Posted December 22, 2008 Share Posted December 22, 2008 my guy is like that too. i really hate it that i don't get to talk to him. you know how it goes.. he says he'll call & he doesn't. everyday. i love him to death & i would never get super upset over this, but i just miss him.. ALOT. he says he's busy but i highly doubt he can be so busy that i don't talk to him all day.. everyday. i don't like contacting him first, but i know it doesn't bother him. he doesn't mind things like that at all. he loves my clingyness. he's kinda different. but, i just wish he would try to talk to me. i feel like i'm the only one trying. & i don't like it at all.. Link to post Share on other sites
Jay34 Posted December 23, 2008 Share Posted December 23, 2008 you really shouldn't be accepting that behavior, i was in a long distance relationship for 1.5 years, he is ignoring you, he is not meeting your needs, you guys don't even talk?!?!?!, my girlfriend wanted to talk all the time and though sometimes i was too much, we talked daily and usually a lot, you need more communication when in an LDR. i would be worried. He should be excited to see you, not making excuses, especially when you guys are apart most of the time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author thisismystory Posted December 23, 2008 Author Share Posted December 23, 2008 we broke up. and i am RELIEVED. thanks everyone for waking me up. Link to post Share on other sites
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