wannabe Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 My marriage of six years seems to be in constant jeapordy. It seems like every time I turn around my wife is flirting or talking about sex with other men online. She says she can't stand my insecurities. But being concerned, I'll check her online activities. Things pop up like: " I'm working from home today! : )" " So you delete me from your friends after we stopped F'g" "I don't know if you are married or have a girlfriend, and I'm in /location here/ but I think your HOT" "We can play with your toys" the list goes on and on.... She tells me they are jokes and that I don't understand. And saying she has nothing to hide, but she keeps everything locked down including her phone. I'm trying to be understanding and honor our marriage. However, It's hard when this stuff comes about. Every time I see it my ego takes a nose dive. I've asked her if she wants an open or alterative marriage. She says no. It's gotten to the point I can't believe a word she says.
Capricciosa Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 Sorry man, that's really tough, but it's no joke. I had a relationship with someone who was having all kinds of fun online with other women, and was planning his exit with them! I got rid of him shortly after I find out. Why does she not want an open relationship? Is it the thrill in the sneaking around, which she is hiding badly? How long has this been going on? And why do you put up with it?
Lizzie60 Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 Humm... if this is true: I think you're getting walked all over.. (doormat)... She is laughing in your face.. wow.. incredible. She tells me they are jokes and that I don't understand. It's like she's saying you're stupid.. And saying she has nothing to hide, but she keeps everything locked down including her phone. I'm trying to be understanding and honor our marriage. She's lying right in your face man.. wake up.. I've asked her if she wants an open or alterative marriage. She says no. Of course she will say no.. she can have what she wants.. but not you.. It's gotten to the point I can't believe a word she says. No kidding.. she is lying and you know it... and she knows you will swallow everything and she'll keep doing what she wants, with who she wants, whenever she wants... it's that simple. Unless you put your foot down.. she will never stop.. and she will take it a step further, if she hasn't already cheated.. I don't believe people sometimes.. geezz...
Author wannabe Posted December 18, 2008 Author Posted December 18, 2008 Why do I put up with it? We made a promise from the beginning that this was forever. We bought our first home together. I moved us in the day our daughter was born. Our tastes are exactly the same. So every room is the way I would want my home. I'm trying to be everything I can be to her. Maybe I'm not changing enough. Or maybe I just don't respect myself the way I should. Hence posting here and trying to figure it all out...
Lizzie60 Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 Why do I put up with it? Why???? because you are emotionally dependant... like a lot of people.. I'm trying to be everything I can be to her. Maybe I'm not changing enough. This is not about you.. she might be 'bored' with you.. or fell out of love.. so no matter what you do.. it will never be enough.. you will physically and emotionally drain yourself. Or maybe I just don't respect myself the way I should. That is, IMO.. more like it.. put your feet down.. and enough is enough.. she's laughing at you..
Capricciosa Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 I respect that you made a promise, but you don't have to stick to your end if it is going to seriously cause you damage. What do you imagine could be done to turn her around? Seems like she is already gone to me. Again, I feel for your pain.
Bryanp Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 This is so sad. She is showing you absolute distain and disrespect toward you and your marriage. I am sorry but she sees you as an absolute doormat. She has no boundaries whatsoever and clearly feels that you will put up with everything she does. Remember this old saying: No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. I bet if the roles were reversed she would not put up with such humiliation and disrespect from you. It is clear that she has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Allowing this type of behavior to continue only lessens what little respect she has for you. How can she respect a man who allows her to humiliate him this way without consequences? You are your own worst enemy. Maybe if you stood up for yourself and saw an attorney to understand your options; she would get the message and respect you. Nobody respects a doormat. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life sharing your wife this way with other men? Enough is enough!
Reggie Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 Folks are being harsh with you. But, it is out of frustration and most understand how confusing this is. I acted much the same way you are acting and I regret it. You need affirmation that your wife's behavior is way out of line. Faithful, loving spouses do not do this to someone. You are by no means needlessly insecure. The communications that you have found would make anyone insecure. She is completely disrespectful and outsiders like the folks on this site can see it. But , when it is happening to you, it is often hard to trust what you know is true, your wife is way out of line. I agree , you should see an attorney to get an idea of your rights. I think you need to make a calm stand. Simply tell her that you will not accept this in your marriage and if she continues, you will opt out. Your wife is emotionally abusive and a complete a-hole. She needs to get help to change and she needs to be motivated by consequences. I am sorry you are being subjected to this abuse. You deserve better.
atwitsend Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 Wannabe, You need a plan so you can stop being reactive. Can you stay with a friend or relative. It would be better if you had your own place. Separate finances if you hold joint accounts. Take a day off when you know she will be out. Pack and move. When she contacts you (and she will because cheaters like security like everyone else) tell her that you are filing for a divorce for her EAs and probable PAs. Tell her that you deserve someone better then her. And that you're excited at the prospect of one day finding someone who will appreciate your love. Wish her well with her online affairs. Your ego is in jeopardy. If you do not set boundries in your life you will continue to be miserable. You need to make a fast hard break with her to restore your self image. Will there be pain? Absolutely. But you will be able to look at yourself in the mirror and affirm that you are worthy of a good womans love.
jwi71 Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 " So you delete me from your friends after we stopped F'g" I hate to break this to you but she is not being faithful. That quote pretty much sums it up. Question to you: What do you want? Do you want to save the M or not?
tml-13 Posted December 20, 2008 Posted December 20, 2008 Ame thing happened with my W... Lots of faceb**k crap, some of it worse than what you posted. She kept saying "It's only a joke..." I was in denial just like you, wanted it to be nothing... I kept saying to myself... "if it turn's her on... better for me." I was wrong... she was having 2 affairs including one with an MM. I was afraid of giving her an ultimatum... I thought it was controlling behavior and didnt want to be like that. In retrospect, I should have said... "It's faceb**k or me... " If she picks the internet.. she was probably cheating on you anyway.... Who would pick the internet over her H?
atwitsend Posted December 21, 2008 Posted December 21, 2008 You also brought up having an open marriage. That's the ticket. Instead of having men you don't know boff your wife you would have some men you do know boff her too. That will be wonderful for your self image. Time to grow a set and file. And be ready to mean it. Its either that or stay away from sharp objects because you don't sound good.
JooLee Posted December 21, 2008 Posted December 21, 2008 this is a totally tough situation but i cant find any other explanation on her behaviour except that she's not in love with you anymore. whatever you guys used to had is lost and gone. perharps you can find it back but it has to work both ways. and it doesnt sound like she wants to make things work. how can anyone be so heartless? im so sorry for you, no one deserves to go through a situation like this. look, you are nobody's fool. you dont deserve to be treated this way. stop denying the truth that is in your face and open your eyes. she is about to lose the greatest thing in her life and she deserves it. i shall repeat; you are nobody's fool.
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