I've been messing up right and left. Need some talk time I guess.

[FeedingOnFever]

So, it's me. Girl who got dumped by her bf of 3 years and seemed so level-headed and going on the right path, etc etc.

 

Well, I've just about destroyed NC and smashed it up into little pieces. I swear in the past 5 days I've seen my ex left, rigth and center. He is everywhere, but most of the encounters are my fault.

 

He actually kept a promise to me on Monday and helped me to finish sewing up a santa suit for a friend. Granted he only appeared an hour before the thing was due (and it was only to pick it up and deliver it to the friend), but when he saw I was not done and that my sewing machine had basically blown up, he stayed and we hand-sewed together for two hours.

 

It was awkward as hell, but at the same time, we were friendly. Hard to explain. I mean, some days I think of him as the guy who broke my heart, who I can never understand. But mostly I just see him as Cass, the person I am closest to in the world and who knows me best. He's just a human being who I care for and want near. It's an absolutely, wretchedly confusing role.

 

I played a computer game online with him on Saturday night (very very bad plan. I only meant to remind him about something regarding his friend and the photos he was supposed to take for santa day, and we wound up playing the game together for 2 hours.) It was so nice... like old times. I felt so happy afterwards I cried. Stupid me, I thought he and I were ready to be friends.

 

Sunday we exchanged texts about his things, so that doesn't count as NC.

 

Monday was the suit-sewing day. I felt like my heart was going to explode.

 

And for some sick, masochistic reason, I decided to go out with a bunch of friends even though I knew he would be there too. We all sang karaoke and went to eat dinner afterwards. All night this one girl was flirting with him (this same girl messaged me on Facebook and said something to the effect of "I know this makes me a horrible person and I don't want you to be mad at me, but I need to tell you I have a tiny crush on Cass and I was really happy to hear you guys broke up. I won't chase him though even though I want to." WTF????)

 

So, I had to endure them flirting all night. Thing about Cass is he treats everyone the same. Guys, girls, girls who like him, gay guys who like him, parents, teachers, whatever. He's outgoing and touchy-feely with everyone, which has on more than one occasion given girls the WRONG impression. This girl smokes like a chimney and Cass despises smokers, so I am pretty sure he doesn't want her. But, could have fooled me (and her, too.) In fact, that was one of the things we argued about during our relationship.

 

I was so angry I almost picked a fight with someone that night. Literally, my adrenaline was pumping so hard I thought I would snap. What made it worse was the boys started play-fighting in the parking lot and I asked to join to work off my excess energy. They refused because I'm a chick. Bastards... I can take a hit and dish them out too, but whatever. I really could have used the spar session.

 

Anyway, after that night of excruciating torture, I realize what I have to do. What I said to him on that first night of the breakup is the truest thing I have said since: "I hope we can be friends, but I don't know right now. I hope you understand if I need a lot of time and space to get to that place."

 

It's going to suck so much though. I still love him like crazy and dream of him every night. I wake up and my heart plummets and splatters on the pavement when I realize that those sweet times are only dreams. The temptation to call him is like a drug. This is what NC really feels like, and I can't hide behind my "I know the logical outcome" mask anymore. Logic is out the window here. I can't logic my way out of heartbreak.

[DSM-IV Tom]

Best and only mode of action:

 

Tell him this exactly:

 

 

Tell him you love him dearly and you want another chance. Tell him that until he feels the same way and contacts YOU, though, you cannot speak to him. Then say you will miss him and hopes he wants another chance soon.

 

 

 

It will put 100% of the weight on his shoulders, if he ever wants to speak again.

[alwayssme]

i know how you feel about everything you said...

 

 

but as far as being friends with an ex when you love them?? im not sure if i agree...its painful to be "just a friend"...my two cents on it

[FeedingOnFever]

Yeah. I know what you both mean, definitely. Every day I change my mind, and that's enough to tell me that I can't be casual buddies with him. Tonight I have to do a secret santa gift exchange with a bunch of friends, and he will be there, but I don't plan to stay for more than 20 minutes or so. Damage control.

 

After tonight I am going to pick and choose where and when I hang out with my friends. If he's there, I won't be. Simple as that.

 

I'm trying to get all of his things down to his work place and out of my house in as few trips as possible. He keeps flaking about finally coming over and getting the things himself and I want them gone. I came across a document I wrote him for our one year anniversary: "A million reasons why." It was only 400 reasons at the time, but my goal was to write down a million reasons why I loved him. I found it kept so very carefully in a black box along with other gifts I gave him. I honestly broke down crying for the past half an hour. He used to love me so much. It's hard to understand how that is just gone now.