you're supposed to LOVE his kids right?

[2sure]

When I knew it was time for my then 8 year old daughter to meet my future husband....when they met, she kicked stones at him. Its been 3.5 years now since we married and they have a father /daughter relationship. It was a struggle for a long time for each of them to find their groove with each other. Daughter did not want to betray her bio dad, husband didnt want to act like he was stepping in.

 

Daughters Dad began a new relationship when she was small. The GF seemed nice enough and I was sure she treated my daughter well. When I picked up daughter from their home once, i was surprised that daughter seemed to be completely ignoring GF, no goodby, etc. This was after 2 years!

 

On the way home I explained that it was OK with me for her to like the GF.

 

They seem to do well now.

[blind_otter]

thanks so much for everyone's comments and advice. It's good to know that I'm not alone in my thinking or experience(s).

 

I still dread the weekends we have them and can't wait till they are over- hopefully this will improve in time. My BF says he wishes that I would look forward to them visiting- but it's just the opposite. If they were willing to talk at all, or go do anything at all, I would say, yes, I would enjoy spending time with them. But they don't want to talk to me and all they want to do is watch tv, play video games, or play on the computer. If their father is out of the room and I ask them a question, the youngest completely ignores me. I try to relate to them and talk to them, but it's hard enough to think of things to say or ask and doubly hard when they are just going to ignore you. I have suggested activities we could all go do, go bowling, bike riding, etc, but they don't want to go. I finally got them to go to a singing christmas concert, and the boys slept thru most of it.

 

I have struggled at figuring out what my 'role' should be, and I think I should be an assistant to my BF as a parent (not directly a parent), and maybe a friend to the boys, and leave it at that. Overall I think the boys don't think I exist.

 

I haven't read on this thread exactly how long you've been together versus how long you've known the boys...so forgive me if I make assumptions...

 

But this is not an instantaneous thing. Some children warm up immediately to new people in their lives. Others take a while. My S/O's older son was pretty outright rude to me on a few occasions, especially in the first 6 months or so. I remember once, I was driving us all to the movies to see the Fantastic Four or something like that, and I had the radio on and he pipes up from the back, "See Pops, that's one bad thing about otter. She doesn't like the same music that WE do." He would also refuse to eat any food I cooked for him, pronouncing it "nasty" and would only eat canned ravioli and chicken noodle soup when he was at my house.

 

If the divorce was relatively recent, within a year or so, then you have to understand that they are still trying to get used to their parents being apart - and getting used to the idea of their dad with a new woman is even more difficult to comprehend.

 

I just persevered. From observing my older sisters parenting their older kids, sometimes parenting is plain and simple and endurance race, not a sprint. You just have to keep plugging along.

 

Now, his son loves my cooking and tries anything I make (with the exception of certain veggie dishes). I had to find things that S/O's son likes to do, rather than suggesting things we could do together. Once we found a common ground, the relationship got much better. You really do have to relate to THEM as people, not just them as additions to your relationship with your S/O....

 

But it takes time, and patience. You just have to keep trying.

[bluejeanbebe]

b.otter-

 

we've been together almost 2 years, the divorce was last fall and we've been having the boys shortly after- so yes, there have been repercussions with the relationship I chose- lots of baggage.

 

I keep trying to remind myself alot of things, that they will grow up pretty quickly, that we won't have them forever, that they change, etc,etc. The biggest thing that bothers me is that the youngest does nothing but eat and play video games, is very overweight, is VERY immature (acts immature, speaks immature), has poor hygiene and is the world's pickiest eater (pizza, noodles, pancakes, candy; is about it, he is a starch fiend).

 

It's just a big reg flag for me, is that the way my BF is raising his boys, that is disagree with, I'm afraid will be a problem when and if we have our own children in the future. He sees the problems with the youngest but doesn't do anything about them. He will correct minor things, but that's about it. He lets them sit and watch tv and play video games all day. He says :"Peter needs to get more active......" but then on the weekends we have them, we never do anything, not a walk, not a bike ride, nothing, not even when I suggest something. He seems so afraid to go against something they would want to do. He feeds them nothing but junk- they are the pickiest eaters and the doesn't even try to make them eat anything remotely healthy. The youngest is 10 and about 160 lbs and I fear for his health and definitly his future health- the habits you put down in childhood is what you do for the rest of your life.

 

 

And another thing is bedtime- we don't have them on school nights, so I don't know if they have a bedtime on school nights, but I am of the opinion that even on the weekends or holidays, that kids should go to bed, uh, sometime. But not these kids. I will go to bed, say 10:30, and everyone will still be up. The BF will come to bed, say, midnight. I was woken up by a noise at 3 am, and the youngest has passed out on the couch, the tv with cartoons are still on, the lights are still on, the tree is still on (HUGE pet peeve when people leave lights and things on- this is my house- I pay the bills!), the oldest is still awake in the guest room, probably still playing games. I say to the BF the next day, when you go to bed, will you check that the lights and things are off before you go do bed, I got up at 3 and everything was still on because Peter fell asleep watching tv. He says, what do you want me to do, get up at 3 instead? What is the right answer? I say, No, how about just tell him to go to bed at a certain time? He just looks at me like I told him to jog to the moon. As if telling a 10 yr old a bedtime is unreasonable. So there's that whole issue. His idea of parenting vs my idea of parenting. I'm starting to feel like having the boys over at my house for his visitation time is having me 'intrude' on his time, even though it is easier logistically. It feels like he has to play referee between the three of us, to keep me happy, even tho they are good kids, they just don't know any better. Problem! I'm thinking about asking that every third weekend that we would have them, have them here, otherwise, he go spend time with them at his mother's house. I ~want~ to like them, because I want to have a great relationship with my BF's children and be a great mother of children of my own one day, but pretty much I wish they would just go away.

[Geishawhelk]

You need to agree boundaries and guidelines with your BF, and you need a 'family conference' of what goes in your house.

Unless you sort this out at grassroots level, this is going to bring up a deal-breaker.

If your BF won't play the game - there's your deal-breaker, right there.

[Eve]

Maybe focus on creating 'traditions' in the household. For example, everyone in our household has to go to bed when we go to bed - no exceptions. I also would not advise consoles in bedrooms and even TVs until they are much older. Bedrooms are for sleeping! Its a hard road you have to travel for the next few years but please do not underestimate how much of an influence you actually are. Be kind but bold in whatever you do and above else really care for them. It is more than possible to get through this but you will have to get creative and be totally consistent.

 

Regards,

Eve xx

[moonshadow]

bluejeanbebe,

 

Your situation is a difficult one, and one I've personally been in, twice. The last guy was the last time I agreed to date someone with kids. This guy had 2 boys, ages 8 and 10. He had them every 2nd weekend plus 3 days during the week. Often it was a few consecutive weekends in a row, due to his ex changing her plans or needing the 'weekend off' to have fun with her boyfriend.

 

They would often come over to my house to visit. It was horrible. The boys would jump on my furniture in their filthy socks, ripping the cushions off the couch, torment my cats and chase them through the house, we'd have to sit there and watch kiddy shows (cartoons or kids' movies) for 2-3 hours (which bored the living sh*t out of me), these kids were bold and mouthy; they'd get up and help themself to anything in my fridge without even asking. They would even go into my bedroom (call me old fashioned but I was raised that you don't go into someone's bedroom). What got me the most was my BF (at the time) would be oblivious, totally oblivious. I would count down the minutes until they left. I didn't so much blame the kids but blame him for sh*tty parenting and failing to teach his children to respect someone's home.

 

When at their house, he would let them watch nothing but trash on TV. Violent video games in which the boys would sit there and holler "kill him, kill him"...........he'd let them watch movies that were hardly appropriate for boys that age (eg: Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me). I was embarassed to be sitting there watching a movie with some pretty sexual language and actions, while him and his sons were killing themselves laughing. I was disgusted.

 

They were horribly picky eaters. No respect, no sense of gratefulness at all. They "hated" everything and would refuse to eat anything half decent and he'd just cater to them. Surely not how I was raised.

 

I lost respect for this guy as a father and I ended the relationship because I grew to resent his bratty kids........though deep down I knew it wasn't really their fault that they had sh*tty parents. But nevertheless, I was just not happy........particularly because I knew I could never 'say anything'..........and if this was his idea of parenting, I'd never want to marry and have a child with him, not at all.

 

Since then, I just can't date someone with kids. Too much chaos, noise, kids playing one parent against the other, exes changing times the guy has the kids at the last minute, etc. I wish you luck.

[RecordProducer]

I thought you were going to complain about how this boy treated you or annoyed you, but it seems like he is not doing anything wrong to you - you just can't stand him.

So another reason to resent them- they are just roadblocks to what I really want in life- a husband and a family of my own.

They were there before you, so you. If you want a family of your own, marry someone else. These kids will always be part of his life, and that means part of your life, too.

 

I married a guy with a little kid, a horrible girl who lived with us and our marriage fell apart because of that. I am not comparing the two situations, but I can relate to the feeling of wanting privacy and a family of your own. This is not temporary. He will take care of them for another 7-8 years, and they will never go away. All their problems will be on your back too. Some day, it will be a competition (in your mind) between your kids and his kids.

 

You either have to accept them fully and with an open heart, the way they are, or forget about the marriage. If you nag and complain, the marriage will be doomed, I guarantee you that. You will never make him see his own sons the way you see them - as disgusting, overweight, lazy slobs. For him, they are the best things since sliced bread, even if he's ware of their faults. Whatever you say, he may agree with it, but he will be deeply hurt and resent you for that. He will never love you more than he loves them and if you can't live with that, don't go for it. I couldn't live with it. My second husband can: he adores my sons as his own kids.

[sally4sara]

I am finding it wild that the OP acknowledges that the parenting style of the mom is strained due the divorce. She isn't taking it well from the sound of it. Her whole world has been turned upside down.....

Add to which the dad's parenting style is strained due to his guilt over the divorce....

All of which is negatively effecting the kids.

I find it all really wild that the OP is complaining about these things when she was originally the OW that helped the divorce along - that helped the damaged goods become more damaged - that she now hates having to deal with and sees as a roadblock to her "right" to a family. Hmmmmm.

 

You wanted her husband and her life, no sense complaining now that you got it. You're so critical of her it comes off like you're STILL competing with her. Do a better job then if you think you can. Someone should; these kids sound like they need SOMEONE.

[bluejeanbebe]

S4S-

 

it's hard not to place judgements on parents if it's not how you would have raised your kids, especially if you have to deal with the kids directly. And dad still has to be dad despite the guilt he feels over the divorce. I think my choice in my relationship has not taken away my right to a family.

 

It's not my place to be their parent- but I'll do my best to be their friend and mentor and assist their father.

[sally4sara]

You're right that you can still want to have a family. Never suggested you shouldn't. If you can't be a parent to this family, what makes you think you can be a parent to your new kids within this family and not come off playing favorites? At the very least the "bad" behaviors of these kids will influence your kids behavior. Going to feel like being their friends then?

 

However, your choice in your partner will seriously reduce your chance of having children of your own. If you do get children of your own with your partner, you run a heavy risk of further damaging these kids who are already being mismanaged due to their parents' divorce.

I don't believe these children will find it easy to look at you as their friend considering your position and how you got there. Add new children to the mix and you can guarantee more difficulty.

If you don't get YOUR children, you will continue to see them as ill behaved roadblocks. How much of a friend can you be then?

 

People don't think ahead much with their heads all fogged up. These poor kids suffer on and on.

 

I saw your other post where you're thinking of ducking out but feel like you sorta owe the guy your loyalty. How much love gets created out of obligation? I don't think it would be much. A lot of resentment maybe, but love? Time to start thinking ahead now that the fog is clearing.