you're supposed to LOVE his kids right?

[bluejeanbebe]

but what do you do if you don't? this post may be more of a rant, so I have a bit to get off my chest and can't talk about this with anyone I know without feeling like I'm a horrible person ~and~ I need some advice. so here goes.

 

I am starting to get to know his kids from his previous marriage, as we are starting to have them for the weekends. First off, I will say that I generally like kids and can't wait to start my own family. So that's not the issue.

 

Overall, they are generally good kids (2 boys). The older one is a bit quiet, reads, can hold a conversation, etc. No problem with the older one. But the younger one (I'll call Peter) I am finding myself resenting/finding disgusting the more they visit. First off, they are boys and I am used to being around girls growing up, so there's that issue.

 

But Peter is the farthest thing from what I would want a son of mine to be. He's 10, acts like he's 6 and talks like he's 4. He is extremely lazy; slurs his words because he's too lazy to speak them correctly (what the speech people say), is interested only in playing video games and watching tv, and even doesn't want laces or buttons on his clothes so his clothes are all slipon and pull-up. He is very overweight from his lack of activity and over-eating. He walks into a guest's home and immediately lays down on the couch and puts his feet on the arm. He wipes his nose on the front of his shirt. He can't cut up his food. You ask him a question or ask him to do something and he either ignores you or gives you a one-word answer. I have a feeling his delay in maturity has something to do with him being the 'baby' and his parents kind of 'babying' him, but what can I say? I'm just the GF and/or possible future stepmom. His father (my BF) is aware of most of these things, and tries to correct him, but overall has a sense of guilt for leaving them and divorcing their mother, so he doesn't want to harp on them for much, so he lets most of it go.

 

I guess I just expect a lot more from kids. (proper behavior, etc) ANd I am VERY against video games and want my kids to play outside. I watch tv just like everyone else, but I think a childhood just watching tv is a wasted childhood.

 

See, I have tried to get to know him (tho I have no idea how to relate to boys), and feel horrible for judging him so harshly, but I don't know what to do.

 

Another issue in the back of my mind, is I understand the guilt my BF feels for not being around all the time for them, and so that transfers to him hesitating in making an official commitment to me or talking about starting a family with me, because he would feel like he was abandoning them. So another reason to resent them- they are just roadblocks to what I really want in life- a husband and a family of my own.

 

I don't know what to do.

[norajane]

Where is the mother in all this? Is she reinforcing the same behavioral expectations that your bf is?

 

Bf needs to get over his guilt and start being a parent. Kids need guidance and parents to teach them how to behave. If he and the boy's mother don't provide that guidance, boundaries and discipline out of guilt, they are only hurting their child. Maybe you can search out some parenting articles and help bf understand he's doing more harm than good, and have him talk to his ex so they can work together on this.

 

As for bf not wanting to commit or start a family with you out of guilt...that could just be an excuse, frankly. Or, if he's serious, then there's no point in staying with him if marriage and family are important to you. He's not going to get over his guilt unless he chooses to.

[bluejeanbebe]

he says the mom is still in a fog since the divorce, is throwing herself into her new home business; so the kids spend alot of time home alone. She might technically be home, but supposedly spends alot of time with the business, which my BF doesn't care for. I don't know what kind of behavioral expectations she is reinforcing, but judging by the youngest' behavior, it looks like she lets them do what they want. Which is sad, as it only will hurt them in the end.

 

Since they aren't my kids I feel like I don't have a say and it isn't my business in how they are raised. My BF does try to correct their behavior that bothers me, but I'm starting to feel like a nag. He doesn't want to have to be the bad guy because I am upset with something- but he is trying- I will give him that.

 

You are right about the kids in relation to not wanting to commit, it could be an excuse. But he hasn't been divorced that long, and I'm trying to give him some breathing room before he rushes into another marriage. But he is clear on what I want and that I won't wait forever. I have a timeclock that I am keeping to myself- that if he doesn't propose, or at least start talking seriously about it next year- then I'm going to suggest that we part ways.

[norajane]

If their mom is leaving them to their own devices, then your bf has to work extra hard to establish rules and teach them how to take care of themselves, to limit video game time and make sure to have study time and outdoor play time, maybe take them to the gym or to karate classes or whatever with him so it's dad/son time (and not just exercise time), etc.

 

With my friends who are divorced and have different child-raising beliefs from their exes, one phrase I hear used often is: "in this house, we..."

 

That tells kids that regardless of what mom allows in her house, dad has his own rules on what is acceptable behavior. "In this house, we only play video games for one hour a day." "In this house, we use Kleenex to wipe our noses, not our shirts." "In this house, we listen when someone asks us a question and we speak clearly to answer." "In this house, we are polite to our guests." "In this house, we don't put our feet on the furniture."

 

You're right, though - it's your bf's responsibility. There isn't a lot that you can do, except to establish and maintain rules for YOUR house when the kids visit.

[Shygirl15]

Have you explored the possibility that this could be a medical issue?

[Touche]

I've been in your exact shoes. It's hard. And I've written about this a lot but I'll just summarize and do this briefly. If you want me to expound on anything, I will.

 

1. To address your title here...nope. You are NOT obligated to LOVE his kids..only to treat them with respect and dignity. And don't try to act like their mother.

 

2. I laughed (no offense) at the stuff you don't like about the one child. I was the SAME way as you. But guess what? Don't judge until you're a mother yourself. I'm now "battling" with our son and trying to teach him to do or not do the very same things that bugged me about our stepson...and our child comes from an intact family.

 

3. Yep...kids of divorce are generally more spoiled though. That said, it's an EXCELLENT sign that your guy is on the same page with you. I mean it sounds like he does listen (and not make excuses) for his kids bad behavior. I would caution you to not overdo it with the criticism though. Pick your battles so to speak. Do you see what I'm saying? Because if you bombard your b/f with stuff you think he needs to work on with his son, he'll tune out. It will seem like you're just picking and picking. So watch it with that. Trust me...been there. Also, try to plan some stuff that you and his sons do together. And I mean just YOU and the sons. Maybe while your b/f is watching a game on TV or something. It's important.

 

4. As for the marriage issue...well I don't have enough info to render an opinion. I'd need more background like: have you ever been married before? How old are you? How old is he? Any children? (I'm assuming not.) How long have you two been together? And how old are the kids?

[Shygirl15]

Yep. Peter sounds exactly like one of my BF's boys (he' 11). I used to feel the same way you do, but now I'm convinced his problems are much bigger than we all think.

 

Your BF/P's mother may need to bring this up with his doctor.

[Touche]

Whaaa? I'm confused? Sorry. Don't mean to be off-topic but am I missing something? Do the OP and Shygirl know each other?

[Shygirl15]

lol.. not at all. First time I'm reading OP's post.

 

I was referring to my BF's son in my last post, not Peter.

 

I don't know but I feel sorry for Peter in a way. Divorces are not easy for kids, and while the older child my be adjusting well to it, things may not be the same for the younger one.

 

I wonder how responsible his mother is. The boy needs help. And soon.

[Touche]

lol.. not at all. First time I'm reading OP's post.

 

I was referring to my BF's son in my last post, not Peter.

 

I don't know but I feel sorry for Peter in a way. Divorces are not easy for kids, and while the older child my be adjusting well to it, things may not be the same for the younger one.

 

I wonder how responsible his mother is. The boy needs help. And soon.

 

oh sorry, shygirl. I guess I just misunderstood.

 

Believe it or not, these things can really work themselves out without outside help. But it's not easy...it takes a lot of patience..a lot. And a certain amount of maturity and selflessness.

 

It can be done though. My success in this area is actually one of the things I'm most proud of. I guess because it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

[alphamale]

it is generally extremly hard to truly love kids that are not your own

[Angel1111]

There are several issues going on in this situation and it would probably help you to separate them out in order to deal with them appropriately.

 

The first and biggest problem is that your bf is newly divorced and there are a LOT of dynamics surrounding just that one thing alone. So many things, in fact, that you're not truly getting the real picture of this family yet. When I was newly separated from my ex, I started dating someone and we got serious pretty quick. The big problem was that I was still reeling from the separation (even though I was the one who left) and dealing with the divorce. I really could not sort through all of it, even though I was not conscious of that at the time.

 

My bf once told me that my son misbehaved and he was pretty judgemental about it but, honestly, the bad behavior usually only happened when certain dynamics were going on - such as my bf being there - and it changed things. My son liked my bf, but his presence was just another factor in the equation. When I was alone with my son, there was never any conflict. One time, my bf went out to get something at the store and my son wanted to go with him. My bf told me later that he understood what I meant - that my son was a complete angel when he was alone with him. Your bf probably has fewer problems with his children when he's alone with them.

 

There is something about a child being in the same room with more than one adult that they want attention from. So it becomes quite a circus. Also, I don't know how true this is, but I've heard it said that the youngest child in the family usually is the one who emotionally takes in all the dysfunction in a family. In other words, he's picking up on all the turmoil around him and is acting out in ways that he doesn't understand.

 

Guilt does play a huge part with a parent in the early stages of divorce but I'm guessing that your bf will get tired of his son's behavior and do something about it at some point. It's doubtful that your bf's 'divorce guilt' will last for very long. As his son gets older, his male instincts will kick in and he'll want his son to act like a man.

 

As a sidepoint, I noticed that you mentioned more than once the fact that this child is a boy and you don't know how to relate to him. He's a child and he's a human - it's not really a huge leap. If there's something in you that's hesitant about the child, he's going to pick up on it and push all your buttons. Just something to be aware of. I also think the little boy is still trying to sort things out and if he is doing obvious things for attention, then it probably means he needs some extra kindness. I would just be patient if I were you. Young children are extremely intuitive and he's probably picking up on your judgement and disapproval, which only complicates things. Try to relax into the family thing and see if you can change the dynamics by being more accepting. I know this is difficult because I completely understand where you're coming from.

 

I also agree that he needs to spend more time outdoors and that's also something that your bf can address down the road. For now, though, I think it's important not to disrupt things too much. On occasion, the 4 of you can do something as a family and then he'll have to go, too. Like go to the zoo, or a park.

 

I think it's too soon to have ultimatums in mind right now. If your bf has stated that he doesn't want any more children, then you need to stop seeing him because this is not something you should have to convince a man of. If he's not totally opposed to it, I think he'll see that the children the two of you have together will only enhance his life and his children's. I think things will be fine once all the dust settles from the divorce. But I disagree that this isn't your business. When you're dating someone seriously, you can't just stand back and have no say in how children behave in your home. So, before the 4 of you start sharing a home together, this stuff needs to be ironed out. I personally wouldn't tolerate a child who went to other people's houses and acted like he was the owner instead of the guest (unless it's granma's house or something). This is something that I'd have to get straight with my bf because I'm big on kids being very respectful and well-mannered. It's not even optional so I couldn't be with someone who didn't understand that.

 

The most important thing I learned about children in a divorce situation is that even if one parent is doing something you don't like, it doesn't matter. Kids are bright enough to know that there are different rules in different places. I never concerned myself with what my ex did because it didn't matter to me. My son knew what I expected of him when he was with me and that's all he and I needed to discuss. If his dad let him go ape at his house, then so be it. I had more important things to think about. This would be a good policy for you and your bf to adopt. Unless the kids' mother is doing something dangerous or abusive, leave her alone and let her live her life. This are much simpler this way.

[Touche]

it is generally extremly hard to truly love kids that are not your own

 

It's really true. It can be done but it sure doesn't come naturally.

 

So to the OP I say, don't beat yourself up if you don't LOVE them. Don't feel guilty about that. But do try to get to know them individually and at least like them.

[Angel1111]

....and speak kindly of the kid's mom, and don't act like it's a crime for her name to be brought up in your presence. Instead, encourage talk about their mom and smile when they bring her up. This kind of thing goes a long way in making divorced situations a lot less tense.

[Angel1111]

it is generally extremly hard to truly love kids that are not your own

 

I totally disagree with this. I was once with someone I loved very much and I loved his kids 100% - and he loved my son, too. In blended families, the children can very much become just like your own. Lots of people feel this way.

 

The exception to this is, of course, when the kids are totally screwed up and have horrible behavior. I passed on dating a friend of mine because I truly could not stand his kids. They were completely out of control and I could hardly stand to be in the same room with them. There was no way on earth I would've been with him just because of the way his kids were. He thought it was because I couldn't get past the 'friend' thing but that had nothing to do with it. I think in the OP's case, the son's behavior isn't that bad and it's probably temporary. But, yes, it's completely possible to love someone else's kids as if they were your own.

[Trialbyfire]

It's not difficult to love someone else's kids. There are lots of friends' kids that I can honestly say I love. They're a great little bunch.

 

Having said that, I won't date anyone with kids. I don't want to have to address the mama's baby issues.

 

If you can't love his kids, let him go. His first priority needs to be his kids. There shouldn't be a tug-of-war over children v. your needs. Children always come first.

[Touche]

No, OP...children don't and SHOULDN'T always come first.

 

Also, of course anyone can love anyone's kids that they don't have to live with. I can love Rosemary's Baby if it's not under my roof!

 

Not sure if some here who have said it's very easy to love another's child has ever actually lived under the same roof with one but...uhm, no. It ain't easy. I don't care how loveable the child is. And no. You don't just love them.

 

"Love" is subjective I guess. Anyone can 'love' a child that you say goodbye to at the end of the day. Hell, that's a no-brainer!

 

Try living with one some time! (One that isn't your own that is.)

 

And for the record...I never said you can never love that child...I sure love my stepson. But it's not automatic (like it is with a bio child) and it's not guaranteed and even if you ever do it can take a long time (as it did for me..and many others.)

[Touche]

Oh and Angel..excellent advice about how to talk about the mother. Totally agree.

 

Just curious though...these kids you loved so much...the kids of an ex who you say loved your kid too..are you still in contact with the kids you loved so much and were such a big part of their lives? I mean I'm assuming that you were a big part of their lives since you loved them so much..and vice versa. Does your ex still contact your son?

 

I rest my case.

[Angel1111]

Oh and Angel..excellent advice about how to talk about the mother. Totally agree.

 

Just curious though...these kids you loved so much...the kids of an ex who you say loved your kid too..are you still in contact with the kids you loved so much and were such a big part of their lives? I mean I'm assuming that you were a big part of their lives since you loved them so much..and vice versa. Does your ex still contact your son?

 

I rest my case.

 

No, this is the xMM that I talk about occasionally. We were never together as a family. I just know his kids and I love them. He sees my son occasionally and my son glows when he's around him. I guess you could say it was just an energy between us all. And, yes, how I felt about xMM impacted how I felt about his kids. But he had super kids - you know, highly accomplished, super intelligent, all that. Maybe they were easier to love. xMM saw my son the same way and we probably all were extremely well matched. But he stayed married so we're not together. Our children didn't know anything about us.

 

I didn't mean to imply that we spent so much time together - I meant that I've known his children for a while and know a lot about them. I've heard several people talk about their blended families and when there's mostly peace and you have a home with these children, they just become your life and, to me, I can't see how that couldn't be anything but automatic. Family is family as far as I'm concerned, and when you're in the same home, you're united and I wouldn't know how to feel any other way than tremendous love for them.

[SierraRose]

I was in a similar situation with m ex b/f...I have a son, he a daughter. My son is polite, has friends and involved in activities (he's 7) generaly a well rounded kid.

His daughter knew no boundies...on the occasional discipline by her father, when told to go to her room, her tempertantrums were out of control...(she was 6 at the time)..throwing herself on the floor, in hysterics, hitting the door. This would last until her father came into her room. I have never seen a child react like this.

In her own home, her mother (who has had a revolving door of men) became engaged to a man 6 months after she and my x broke up. One man out, another man in. Literally, she had this new man sleeping over her house, THE NEXT NIGHT after they broke up. She has 2 daughters-one by an ex H another by my ex b/f...her oldest is now 14 and out of control. Her new H has 2 boys. The mother or H are rarely home. Mother works 2 jobs, the H 1 job and when he is home, he's sleeping. The oldest girl is left in charge. It's a mess. Sad to say, but I will be shocked if either one of these girls are alcholoics or pg by the time they hit high school.

I might ad my ex b/f is less than a steller man. Him getting custody would be far worse. He is abusive and a drunk....

I had the hardest time taking to his daughter. I tried. When I disciplined, she would sneak to her father and tell him I was being "mean" to her. Only 6, but so manipulative... After a while, both her and her father's behaivor wore on me AND my son. I eventually got rid of him...BEST decision I ever made..

If you stay in the relationship, there needs to be household rules. Discuss them with your b/f and have the understanding YOU BOTH enforce them. I think as a kid, these habits are breakable; however, if they continue I don't know how this kid will function when he gets older.

[blind_otter]

When I first got together with my S/O his son was nearly 8 years old. To be honest, I didn't really like him all that much. He was still having a lot of behavioral issues related to his parents' divorce. He acted out in school and was in trouble a lot, his parents were rearranging custody agreements several times leading up to when S/O and I first started dating, he was downright rude to me a lot of the time. I also didn't have much experience with children his age - I have nieces and nephews, but all are younger than S/O's son and I don't LIVE with them, I visit with them and thus I get to see their best sides much more often than their worst.

 

I took the position that I was NOT his mother, and I did not discipline him or attempt to make any parenting decisions about him. He has two parents that love him, and he is their responsiblity. Of course, if there were incidents or issues I would let my S/O know and he would deal with it. I was just an adult who hung out with him occassionally. The most I wanted to achieve, at that point, was a sort of friendship.

 

When we moved in together, things changed a bit. I became a secondary caretaker. I still did not make parenting decisions but I did remind S/O's son about certain things - "put your dishes in the sink and rinse them off. Clean your room. Put your dirty laundry in the basket, for the love of Pete! Don't bounce the basketball in the house. Turn the TV off." that sort of thing.

 

The more serious his father and I became, the more he seemed the listen to and respect me. Also, the boy's life stabilized a lot more over the years. He seemed to adjust to his situation more, although whenever his mother moved or got into a new relationship he would always take 2 steps back.

 

After I fell pregnant with my own son last year, things changed - for the better. S/O's son became much more secure, I think, and he started to allow himself to become attached to me. And our relationship evolved (as it continues to do so).

 

He turned 11 a month after the baby was born - although things were a bit rocky initially, once he met his new little brother he became very attached to him. When he stays with us, the first thing he does when he wakes up is to come and see his baby brother, or ask about him if the baby is sleeping. He says he thinks of me as another mother, and I refer to him as my "bonus son".

 

And I do love him - but it certainly wasn't immediate, that's for sure. Cultivating a relationship with your partner's children can sometimes be a very difficult road and there are often a lot of obstacles to overcome. Also, I don't love S/O's son the same way I love my own son. I mean, I carried my son in my body and gave birth to him and know my own son so much more intimately than I know S/O's son; I mean, I wipe my son's butt ten times a day I don't think I would be comfortable doing that for S/O's son. So, it's a different kind of love - but that doesn't mean it's lesser or anything like that. Just like you may love your sister, say, differently than you love your mother or your bestfriend - but you DO love them all.

 

But I agree with Touche - you don't HAVE to love anyone, really. You are only obligated to treat others with respect, dignity, consideration, kindness.

[Shygirl15]

You don't INSTANTLY love someone else's kids, it's a process. However, it's important for your relationship that in the long run you grow to love his kids. Kids are very simple. Once you get to know them well and they become comfortable with you, you will very easily fall in love with them. If you really love him, you'll put an effort into getting to know his kids. Refrain from being too judgemental.

 

I'm going through a somewhat similar situation. I'm connecting very well with the well-mannered one, but he's autistic and I have an autistic child so dealing with him is easy. The other troubled one has openly declared that he hates me, but guess what, I'm not giving up. Or hate him. Because I know his father cares about him a lot, and I care a lot about my BF.

[Kenyth]

Boys at that age (8-10) can be a bit gross. There's no solid self discipline developed yet. You have to fight for them to develop good eating, dressing, hygiene, and health habits.

[wisebutnotperfect]

I dealt with a very difficult step parenting situation with my 2nd wife whereby she never made any significant attempt to connect with my son from my first marriage. She did let him know each time he had done something wrong but never made any attempt to parent him in a positive manner. I really think that it is up to the step parent what type of longterm relationship they would like to create with the step child.

I believe that all children have the ability to enrich our lives in so many ways. I think that you might be amazed by the response that you might get if you should let this step child know that you think that he is very special to you also. If you were able to create special time with this step child I truly believe that the rewards to you would be immeasurable and life long. It is true with this relationship and all others that you will always get back what you give, possibly more. Search your heart for what you have within you to extend in love toward this child. Keep in ming that he has been through a very difficult childhood so far. What can you do to help to let him know that he is loved?

[bluejeanbebe]

thanks so much for everyone's comments and advice. It's good to know that I'm not alone in my thinking or experience(s).

 

I still dread the weekends we have them and can't wait till they are over- hopefully this will improve in time. My BF says he wishes that I would look forward to them visiting- but it's just the opposite. If they were willing to talk at all, or go do anything at all, I would say, yes, I would enjoy spending time with them. But they don't want to talk to me and all they want to do is watch tv, play video games, or play on the computer. If their father is out of the room and I ask them a question, the youngest completely ignores me. I try to relate to them and talk to them, but it's hard enough to think of things to say or ask and doubly hard when they are just going to ignore you. I have suggested activities we could all go do, go bowling, bike riding, etc, but they don't want to go. I finally got them to go to a singing christmas concert, and the boys slept thru most of it.

 

I have struggled at figuring out what my 'role' should be, and I think I should be an assistant to my BF as a parent (not directly a parent), and maybe a friend to the boys, and leave it at that. Overall I think the boys don't think I exist.