Tough Breakup...for me at least

[TG84]

Hi everyone,

 

I've been reading posts here for a few weeks, and I just wanted to get you all's input on my situation. I posted this on another forum that wasn't quite as active, and I thought I would post it here. I can post a much longer, better-detailed version if I think it's helpful, but I'll spare everyone of that for now .

 

My ex of 3 1/2 years and I had a great relationship, although work and school hurt it a little bit at times because we would get so tired and stressed out,. But we had a great relationship, and were talking about the future a lot with confidence. c We had made plans to go live in California together, but then I got an amazing 6-month internship in Wisconsin. That pissed her off because she felt she would be moving to a new city and have to cope with it without me, and she wouldn't talk to me for a month except by occasional responses to emails. She then decides to stay together (after I broke a week of complete NC to email her "I miss you") and do long distance for a while, and we do long distance for about three months, which worked out ok (long distance can only work so well). Then a month before I finish work and move to California, she breaks things off abruptly over the phone (“You’re barely just friend to me now”) despite emailing me the day before saying she missed me and wanted me to come as soon as possible. She said she had established a life in LA, and didn't know how I'd fit -- and she wasn't sure about a relationship right now, especially "a weak one like ours," which was news to me since she had never even discussed it with me before.

 

After telling a common acquaintance (her initials) was regretting the situation a little bit (I'd dont another week of NC), I Yahoo chatted her a week later (big mistake) asking her to reconsider or at least to meet with her when I get to California, she refuses to see me because “she’d go crazy” and it would affect her work. At first, she says i don't know, i don't think so. Then, as I make more concessions, I started to sound more desperate, and that kind of strengthened her resolve. I know -- HUGE mistake. I told her I would not see other people and to please contact me eventually so we could

 

I've moved to California and started working at my new firm, and I've done NC for about a month. A week ago, shetold a friend she didn't want to see me at this point and couldn't bring herself to do it (she's always been very bad with communicating and kind of a coward when it comes to dealing with "awkward situations" of any sort). Judging by myspace, she seems to be going out a lot and moving on pretty easily -- she never brings me up in any conversations with common acquaintances, and hasn't come close to attempting to contact me even when I have gone strict NC.

 

I know it's hard to judge based on this info, but when we were together everything was so good -- we bonded better then a lot of married couples, and had so much fun together and were always there for each other. I've really had a tough time dealing with this. I had dreamed about going to LA with her for so long, and while I'm doing really well professionally at my new firm and doing really well, it just doesn't matter to me. I could literally win the lottery tomorrow, and all I would think about is "I wonder how CS (her initials) will find out about this...maybe I should break NC and call her or post on her myspace...I wonder if this would make her want me back..."

 

I guess my question is, I feel like her last impression of me was one of desperation and need. Should I contact her once more to show her that I'm calm and capable of moving on, but that I still want her in my life? Or should I stay NC all the way and hope she contacts me? Or should I forget about her altogether (which would take a very unhappy year or two I think). I think my biggest problems are that I feel we could work things out, and I don't have any closure.

[DSM-IV Tom]

What a trick situation.

 

Here is your best mode of action (and this goes for pretty damn near everybody who's been dumped):

 

Say:

 

"I love you deeply and want you in my life. I miss you and miss us. We were and could be great again. I have to cut off all contact until you're ready to be together. I want to be together, but can't talk until you want it too. Please contact me when you do want to."

 

And cut her off 100%.

 

If she comes back, then that's what you wanted.

 

If she doesn't come back, then you did everything you could as far as that goes. The balls in her court. Time to move on if this is the case.

[TG84]

I feel like I did that when I broke NC, although I came off as much more pushy and desperate way (my pushiness was something she hated). I guess you might be right -- I could try to break NC to say it in a less pushy way, maybe over the holidays or something when I know she's thinking about it.

[DSM-IV Tom]

If you've already entered and are in NC, then just stay NC.

 

I know it's difficult. I've been going through it for so long.

 

But suck the pain up and wield it to make you stronger. I don't mean to be tough on you-- only make you tough enough to be tough on yourself, and thus, beat this as quickly as possible and become a better person as a result.

[TG84]

I know only one person responded so far, but I would really like soe opinions on this --

 

Since I last posted, the ex has posted a picture of herself on myspace kissing a gay guy (she doesn't know I know he's gay -- and pic was posted right after I had posted pics of myself...so basically she's got to be playing games).

 

She has also hit on a friend of mine (not sure if she was serious), knowing I would find out. She hasn't seen anyone else during this time, but she is clearly trying to make me jealous.

 

Either I am being paranoid and this is all just a gigantic, huuuge misunderstanding, or -- she has taken complete advantage of my ""no gimmicks and games" pledge (as I called it) -- to give her as much time and space as she needs while not seeing anyone else, loving her unconditionally, and promising that when she was ready we could sit down and discuss the future.

 

I am angry and sad at the same time. Angry because of the way she's treated me, and sad that I miss her still. I guess my question is -- should I:

 

1) Play games right back (post some photos of my own, try to make her jealous, etc.) and try to get her back

 

2)Stop going on MySpace for a little bit, continue NC, and follow through with my pledge for a few more weeks while ignoring the games

 

3) Talk to her about how much it hurt me, and how it was really immature to do and that I can't see even a friendship if she's going to treat me like that.

 

4) Delete her from MySpace, unleash my angry side and tell her she's an immature ******* and move on.

 

5) Delete from Myspace, stay classy and go on with NC until she calls me and in the meantime follow through with my end of the pledge until I feel like it's time to move on.

 

6) Delete her from MySpace, promise myself NC and ignore any of her calls for the next 6 months and move on.

 

7) Other

[Dmoney28]

ok, No myspace. Dont ever look at your ex's myspace account. Man, its the worse thing ever. Continue NC, and avoid Myspace at all cost. My ex did the same thing. Posted all these @$$ pics on her page, had guys commenting o them. WHOA...did i get pissed. Not worth it, trust me. Just ignore her. The more you ignore her attempts to make you jealous...the more power you get. Its like a Bully taunting another kid. If the kid ignores him, the bully gets frustrated, and caves in.

[lkjh]

Go no contact. Cut her off from myspace and don't respond to anything she sends you. If you decide to get back together, make it on your terms.

[lkjh]

By the way gay guys still hook up with girls. Its weird but it happens a lot.

[TG84]

Dmoney -- what ended up happening with you and your ex if you don't mind me asking?

 

I did all of this pledge stuff so that a situation -- where I get frustrated and start to move on, only she comes back as I start to see other people but still love her deep down -- doesn't happen.

 

I wanted no one to get hurt anymore, but I'm just dumbfounded she would play games like this a month after sabotaging a really good long term relationship that could easily have ended in marriage.

 

Maybe it's her age showing through -- maybe it got too serious for her, and the distance made her realize she didn't want to be in a serious relationship so young. Who knows. But you may be right as far as what to do now.

 

More suggestions welcome!

[Dmoney28]

its the same song and dance. I told her she must be getting along well after the break up, and didnt need me to talk with her anymore. She then admitted it was all a front, and she wanted to make me jealous for what i did to her. So she put all those pics on myspaceI. ts a really complicated, long issue with her and i. Its exausting just talking about it. Im still irratated about it. So i decided NC to the fullest. She called once and txted twice in the last 3 days....havent replied. The funny thing is SHE suggested NC for atleast a month. She is so on the fence, i have no idea whats she wants to do.

[TG84]

Yea -- I just don't get these games dude. Is it their way of getting over things -- putting up pictures like that so she feels cool and makes me jealous in the process? Does she think I'm going to fall head over heels anymore than I already have? I honestly don't know what she wants -- she clearly knows that she can have me because I've promised that I would be there for her, so I don't get why she would seemingly test me like this.

 

Maybe it's not about me -- maybe she just thinks the picture is hilarious, and it's something she can put up freely now that she's single and I can't protest. And maybe flirting and hitting on guys like my friend is her way of proving to herself that she can now move on with me still temporary NC.

 

But either way it's messed up...

[TG84]

I was wondering if someone could comment.

 

I had been having panic attacks and was really depressed over the holidays, so I broke NC a few days ago and we talked on MSN -- I apologized for pressuring her, and told her I had a job and stuff. She didn't ask about what the job was, and she was like "good for you" but didn't really care what it was.

 

I guess that's the problem with contact -- the other person always seems so cold. I guess my question is -- should I keep NC, and hope she comes back? Or should I try to be friends with her, and hope that in time she will agree to meet up with me and we might be able to rekindle those feelings?

 

Some of my friends say that what we had was so special that there's no way she wouldn't come back, but she is very stubborn and it doesn't seem like she misses me at all -- she's been so cold, and she's pretty much shut down all feelings. She seems to be trying to move -- she's traveled around the country, etc., and I feel like I'm treated like a stranger. I don't know what happened -- maybe during the long distance she was already starting to get over me, and knowing that I will be there for her is making me less valuable of a commodity.

[belladonna]

I dunno, it sounds to me like she wants things to end. She seems to be enjoying being single again with the posting of pictures and flirting with other guys. And she's being very cold to you. I'm no expert, but I'd say to let her do the contacting..if she wants to get back together or be friends then she's just going to have to contact you for once. You told her how you felt, right? What else can you do?

 

You could be right about the long distance thing. It might have made her realize that she wanted to be single. She could have gone out once with her friends, had some cute guy flirt with her, and wanted to continue things with him but didn't because she was still attached to you. Due to the distance, she's not getting her needs met and doesn't want to wait for you. I mean, it's not very nice, but if she's young and immature she doesn't know what she wants.

 

I don't know how similar this is to your situation, But I was in a relationship from when I was 15 that lasted 5 years, and I broke things off after going LD for a few months. Time apart made me realize I did not want to marry this guy and that I felt very pressured by him to do that. I felt too young to seriously commit to someone, especially as I was so unsure about my feelings for him. I had changed so much since high school..but still I shouldn't have let it last so long. I was a very insecure and depressed girl. Don't know if that helps any, but thought it might give you some insight to what she's thinking.

 

All that might not be true in your case, who knows, but I think you'll find out if you stop contacting her. She'll contact you if she "changes her mind". Like I said, I don't think there's anything else you can do. Hang in there!

[SilverLining]

I kind of understand what you are going though. I was dumped after spending 5 years with the guy and getting engaged. And yeah, it was like he just moved on and doesn't care about me, even though we had the type of relationship that really made people look twice - always having a great time, very affectionate and loving. I completely understand about feeling so in love with someone and not understanding how they can treat you like a stranger after everything you have been through. I can understand wanting to give up everything for that person. I can understand about being confused and depressed and feeling like this is just a nightmare that you will eventually wake up from.

 

That being said, I'm going to tell you something that I know, deep down, also applies to me but I haven't yet been strong enough to really deal with it.

 

This girl does not want to be with you. She took the initiative to break up with you, and she is very capable of calling and asking for you back. She hasn't done that because she does not want to. For whatever reason, she has decided to move on, and it's because for her, something went wrong, and you, just as I was, were completely in the dark about it. You obviously have a lot going for you. You obviously are a catch, but she does not see it, and it has nothing to do with you - it's her problem. She can break your heart, but she cannot break your spirit and cause you to lose your dignity - only you can. And it is your responsibility to deal with this breakup like the amazing person that you know you are.

 

You may never get your closure. You may never completely understand. But if you truly want her, and everyone else, to see you as calm and capable of dealing with this situation, you don't show that by constantly calling her and asking for her back. You don't show it by telling her that you are willing to wait on her to decide if you are good enough to be in a relationship with. You do it by saying, "well, this sucks, but I'm going to do what is best for me now." And what is best for you does not include laying your dignity and heart on the line while the person you love is cold and cruel to you. What you are doing doesn't say that you are calm and capable. It says that your self-esteem is in her hands and you still need her approval. You are telling her that you are willing to settle for ****ty treatment. Do not call her. Do not answer her calls. Do not have any contact with her. Do not look at her myspace. You are then sending the message that although you are hurt, you are too busy taking care of yourself and moving on with your awesome new life.

 

If she will come around, it will not be because of anything you have done. But be prepared that she may never want to get back together. Right now, what you need to do is surround yourself with new friends and hobbies. Throw yourself into your work. If you are out of shape, exercise. Get some cool new clothes and a great haircut. It sounds silly, but doing things for you will make you feel better. You need to pay some attention to yourself. Take surfing lessons, learn photography, but stay busy. You will be able to pull through this. Good luck!

[TG84]

Thank you both so much.

 

belladonna -- unfortunately you may be correct. I just don't know -- she is not depressed or insecure I dont think, but her stated reason is she could't want to be in a relationship right now, especially one that was not going smoothly like ours. It hurts a lot knowing that if I had just gone to LA with her and sacraficed my career, we may still be together. And I wish there were something I could say or do -- I'm willing to give her space (like I guess I am now) and time. She swore there was no one else to me and my friends, and that wasn't the reason -- she told a friend she wasn't sure about our future (similar to you), but honestly I don't know why -- i never pressured her into marriage, etc, and I told her I would be with her always if she decided to move away from LA. What happened with you and your boyfriend?

 

 

Silver Ling -- Yea -- she is the only girl i've ever loved, and I thought my new life in LA would include her and we would live happily ever after. Even after we broke up, i figured she would at least reconsider when i got there and got settled in. She even told my friend she would consider it under a few conditions that I have met since (get a job, etc), but it seems with the pleading with her initially and now the space (combined with the promise to her i wouldn't see other people) she doesn't give a damn anymore. And she treats her friends of, what 5months, like her best friends, while treating me, the only guy she's ever loved and loyal bf of three years, like a complete stranger.

 

I have trouble enjoying life right now, but I guess I have no choice. In the past, she has broken up with two boyfriends (who she dated for much shorter period of time) by cutting things off abruptly -- one even cheated on her, which was the reason. And both times she went back 6-9 months later. I don't know if I can endure/maintain that kind of hope, but I don't want a situation where I am still getting over her that far down the road and only then does she come back. I guess it's hard, but you may be right.

 

It's put me in this position where one minute i'm angry at her for what she did, the next I'm willing to do anything to win her back. And with the myspace stuff (which she knows I check), it hurts even more. I just wish there were a better solution -- I wish I could talk about how I've changed and how things would be much much better. This was supposed to be our happily ever after, why sabatoge it?

 

Thank you both agin.

[TG84]

If anyone else a comment, that would be great -- some mutual friends of ours have demanded she talk to me and give me closure. At first, she asked them if she could do it by sending me an email, and they said no, you have to at least do it by phone.

 

But what I really want is to see her in person. I missed her for so long, and I am a mess because she did this over the phone and refuses to see me. I dont feel like talking on the phone will give me closure. Should I push my friends to ask her to see me in person? Or when she calls, tell her I can only see her in person?

 

She is such a coward, and I'm so angry with myself that I love her so much and am so desperate to be with her.

[belladonna]

Oh TG84 it's a long story. I know I'm a horrible person but I suppose some would say karma bit me in the ass for breaking his heart as I've recently been crushed as you noticed in my thread.

 

At first I thought I loved him - we never fought, got along well and he went along with what I wanted so it was easy - I was too young know anything. After a couple years I started wondering if I really loved him. I never felt butterflies with him, I was never that physically attracted to him, and we had absolutely nothing in common. But I stayed with him because I was afraid of being alone essentially (insecurity), and because I knew it would break his heart if I broke up with him and yes, I was a coward about it. I felt trapped in a way because he'd say how if we broke up he'd be devastated, it woud ruin his life, etc. I could go on about the stupid things that bothered me about the relationship, either way when he moved away for a few months to work I realized this. I felt a certain "freedom" from him O_o..he was always clingy and posessive. He wanted to get married very soon and I thought if I don't want to get married after 5 years we're probably not right for each other. Not to mention I was getting attention from other guys who I was actually attracted to and I wasn't feeling so insecure anymore. So when he came back I broke things off and told him all those things. I felt like a horrible person, but he deserves someone to appreciate him and love him for who he is.

 

I keep in contact with him occasionally over facebook. We met a few weeks ago just to chat..he said he wanted some closure so I was fine with it. He's been with a few girls since and is apparently doing well. I felt huge relief from it and vowed never to lie to myself (or anyone else) about my feelings ever again. So that's the jist of it. Now you can all retract any sympathy you had for me

 

Personally, I think its not fair of her to do this to you over the phone. She should at least say good bye to you in person. If she calls, I'd ask her to see you in person. Just figure out a place where she'd be comfortable.

[TG84]

Just want to let everyone know that she SENT ME A MESSAGE ON AIM today that she has actually been dating someone since right after we broke up. Hence the coldness...I didn't respond yet. She said we could talk about it if I wanted to, but this was clearly a cop out -- only reason she did it was because a friend put her up to it. Swears she didnt cheat on me, butprobably knew the guy before.

 

Thoughts anyone? As in, what the hell? I saw pictures of who i think is the newguy -- he's really not very impressive at all and i didn't think him to be her type, but i guess has "more in common with her" at the moment i guess.

 

Wow. Just wow.

[TG84]

I guess at this point, do I need to contact her anymore? SHould I ask about the new guy, etc.? I think that would only hurt though. I strongly feel this is a rebound, but who knows. Either way, she has been sucked in with her new friends and is gone forever.

 

I don't know i guess this gives me closure at least...just in the worst possible scenario..

[TG84]

I just wanted to get everyone's thoughts on this -- I'm breaking down right now, and I just dont know what to do or what to make of this.

 

I just cant stop thinking about how she did this online, not over the phone or in person, and that she was so cold.

 

When we broke up. She told me she wasn't in a place to be in a relationship, that there was no one else, that this guy was one oif a group of guys that was unatttrative and she would never date (he is unnatractive -- had always been a friend, but must have swooped in for the kill after the breakup).

 

the worst thing is i sill love and care about her -- evern as her friend, I would be hurt that she would rebound like this...I dont know what to do with myself. I didnt sleep last night -- I had panic attacks again, and shortness of breath at work yesterday. She was everything to me the past 3-4 years -- we were going to start the rest of our lives together in LA, and now she's dumped me and immediately started screwing this loser.

 

Now what? I still want her in a lot of ways because she gave me direction and we practically grew up together. But this is such a blow to me emotionally -- I thought I couldnt recover before after you all's words knowing she may come back some day, but now I just dont know.

 

I dont know how I'll make it through work, etc. over the next few years.

[TG84]

bump...she just started posting pictures of her and the new bf all over myspace...more than she ever posted of me and her...i guess she is truly happy with her rebound. What do I do?