GreenEyedLady Posted December 23, 2008 Posted December 23, 2008 Hey Sandy, Reading your post... these MM do keep US on our toes! I hear ya on thinking it's all BS, and whatever will be will be. In the end, these MM's have to make up THEIR mind (and act on it), it's not for us to do that for them. You need to keep HIM on his toes. Is NC manipulative? Is what he doing manipulative? In the end who cares. You have a desired outcome in mind. So does he. You don't have to wait for him to make up his mind. Make up YOUR mind. Your desired outcome is a loving R with a man you love and who loves you. Is he fitting the bill?
SupportGroupie Posted December 24, 2008 Posted December 24, 2008 LG Wow I just read through a fair amount of your story. We have talked (and you have been very helpful) on other posts. Thank you I feel your pain and frustration and betrayel. Its odd how when we are in these A with MM that we really feel this is the most unique, intense, soul mate or whatever experience we feel..i cant speak for others...BUT once you get here, wow they all seem to come a lot closer together. We make excuses for these men stringin us along, flipping with what they want, telling us what we want to hear, telling the W something else etc I think you are strong and doing the right thing. Really I do. I see some similarities in our stories...but I did want to say HOLD ON STRONG to your ideals, values and self respect. These men want their cake and eat it to. I DO think that having an A while married does keep some men in the M longer because it is filling a need and they cant bear to leave the W or kids. I mean why divorce or leave when you can string two people along and get what you want. Sure some marriages are horrid and cheating happens for many other reasons. I know that. But these men that waffles and say be patient, and waffle again and again...they need to go handle their SHI* and M before them put us in the mix again. It's our fault for being in it, and our responsibility for getting out...or not letting men do this to both women. I give you big support for standing your ground. I never could with mine...and I only took what he gave, never putting anything on him. Pathetic...for sure for me. Its no way to live, in waiting. Life is now, life is here, and I know we are not made to live this way....I feel that. There is more for you out there and I hope and pray you get it. Here is my story about a friend... A friend of mine has been married twice, now 3 times. WHen he was in his second marriage and it was failing, it was bad, I mean bad...he started seeing someone. They were both married and both had kids. They were friends for about 3 yrs before this started. So while their marriages were falling apart, they fell in love. He left wife no 2 and is now married to number 3, deeply happy. Now I dont condone any of it, I sure dont..at all. BUT this is a man who did leave his wife and child whom he loves more than life itself, to end a bad marriage and start a new life with the women he loved. So my thoughts obviously went to my MM who always said he was unsure if he could ever leave his wife...cause of kids (grown..lol) and family..etc. Here is a man that was not in love with his wife...they had separated before once...and his kids were almost full grown..and he had tons of reasons and excuses to stay.. WHATS the difference, some men are full of shi* and string women along with no intention of leaving or separating and some men truly are in horrid relationships...and end up with the other women, and it works. I think thats the small minority. ALL i can say is dont put up with BS and excuses, and go live your life, full of possibilities, dreams and hope. Dont let this dude hold you back. Go have some fun, kick up your heels, read some fun books and let life continue. If he comes back to you and is divorced...thats another story. But now..he is WAFFLING. I love that words...UMMM waffles..lol (((HUGS)))) SupportGroupie
Author LavendarGirl Posted December 24, 2008 Author Posted December 24, 2008 Hi GEL, I don't want to go NC as a form of manipulation. I'm thinking more of a form of defining my boundaries, and at this point, I can't continue on like this, and right now I don't know if that's NC hardcore, or LC, or just defining my tolerance level as I go on. I don't know/think that it will force him to decide one way or the other. I hadn't thought what he's doing as manipulative, but I suppose it can be construed that way because he led me to believe one thing and until I called him on it (his intentions of talking to the W over their visit), he wasn't going to be forthcoming. He's essentially saying (by actions) right now that there's only one way to continue this R, and that is as the OW. Okay, well, now that I think of it, that's manipulative and dishonest on his part. He did email me today and said that he respects my position and acknoweldges that he's hurt me and I feel rejected, he's asked too much of me already, and will honor my needing to go NC for a while. He's on the fence, definitely. I'm not willing to continue on as his A, definitely. Is it a mutually loving R? Yes. I still don't doubt that.
GreenEyedLady Posted December 24, 2008 Posted December 24, 2008 He did email me today and said that he respects my position and acknoweldges that he's hurt me and I feel rejected, he's asked too much of me already, and will honor my needing to go NC for a while. Is it a mutually loving R? Yes. I still don't doubt that. I just want to point out that when someone loves someone else, they don't hurt them, at all. They put the one who they love's need's first. They stop making excuses and start showing by their actions. It's all great if they say they love you and you feel in your heart they do. But until they do something about it, what does it really mean? You're exactly where you started. I say this because I am a FOW. And I know that feeling of explaining why they are doing what they're doing and even buying into it. They do what they do because they are selfish and they are scared of changing things. Until they take responsibility for their choices, they are really no good as a partner long-term, because they are doomed to repeat it, until they learn what they need to learn. You know they really love you when they stop hurting you. Sometimes that takes the form of them leaving you. Sometimes they leave to be with you. But until one of those things happens, they really are just loving themselves. I wish you all the best in your journey. I know what it's like. Don't make it easy on him. GEL
Author LavendarGirl Posted December 24, 2008 Author Posted December 24, 2008 I just want to point out that when someone loves someone else, they don't hurt them, at all. They put the one who they love's need's first. They stop making excuses and start showing by their actions. It's all great if they say they love you and you feel in your heart they do. But until they do something about it, what does it really mean? You're exactly where you started. I say this because I am a FOW. And I know that feeling of explaining why they are doing what they're doing and even buying into it. They do what they do because they are selfish and they are scared of changing things. Until they take responsibility for their choices, they are really no good as a partner long-term, because they are doomed to repeat it, until they learn what they need to learn. You know they really love you when they stop hurting you. Sometimes that takes the form of them leaving you. Sometimes they leave to be with you. But until one of those things happens, they really are just loving themselves. I wish you all the best in your journey. I know what it's like. Don't make it easy on him. GEL GEL, very sage words, all of it. When I can pick myself up from this pathetic puddle of self pity, anger, and feelings of rejection, I promise to not make it easy for him! GEL, as a FOW and obviously a success story, did you find that NC was the right thing to do in your situation?
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