kashmir Posted December 17, 2008 Posted December 17, 2008 The thread about men pursuing made me wonder about something. I always hear women on here say that women in general were raised and taught by society to let men pursue them and to show little to no interest in a man, even if they like him. I'm not doubting this, but I'd like to know how women have been taught this, because I honestly have never seen it. Growing up, I was raised on the idea that things were equal and if a girl really liked me, she would pursue me, so it's weird to think that girls were raised to believe the opposite.
AlektraClementine Posted December 17, 2008 Posted December 17, 2008 I can only speak for myself. I wasn't exactly "taught" this. In the sense that it was a lesson taught to me by my parents or older siblings, etc. I learned this through experience with men. If you've dated enough guys that stop calling once you show a little too much interest (the standard is set very low here), you learn to temper yourself when it comes to showing a guy how much you like him. I'd like to point out though, that I've learned recently that this really only applies to casual dating. Once you find someone that you really click with, things are a lot easier. The right one won't walk away after you've shown interest or even eagerness to spend time with them. They even reciprocate!!! I also think that this changes with growth. Notice I don't say age. There are 30 year old men and women out there who still play these games. "Grown folks" tend to not play the coy game too much. Maybe just enough to maintain a sense of individuality and independence.
Taramere Posted December 17, 2008 Posted December 17, 2008 I'd agree with Alektra that people are taught about these things from a combination of upbringing, cultural norms and experiences in the dating world. It's so tempting to look at the world in black and white terms and reach conclusions such as "if she won't do X it means she isn't really into you" or "he would do Y if he was genuinely interested". Life would be far simpler if all these truisms were completely accurate, but in reality even if some of them have a grain of truth generally speaking, they dismiss the complexities of human nature and experience. They're almost a way of saying "you don't have to spend time thinking about what makes this particular person tick. He/she is a man/woman. All men/women generally think and act like (insert particular stereotype). Growing up, I was raised on the idea that things were equal and if a girl really liked me, she would pursue me, so it's weird to think that girls were raised to believe the opposite. I think it's very positive to encourage children to believe in fair play. The notion of equality between the sexes is tied in with fair play. However, there's a difference between teaching a child that equality and fair play are worth fighting for, and instilling in it an expectation that other people will automatically share and act on their notions of fair play....or their hopes and expectations regarding the opposite sex.
D-Jam Posted December 17, 2008 Posted December 17, 2008 I am not a woman, but I think that many will take things more "equally" in their youth, but either their first rejection or even elders will bring their logic more into the "traditional" way.
Isolde Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 I am not a woman, but I think that many will take things more "equally" in their youth, but either their first rejection or even elders will bring their logic more into the "traditional" way. This is EXACTLY what happened to me. I'm only 22, and I'm already extremely skeptical about making any kind of a first move. In college, I was much more idealistic and liberal about this.
Trialbyfire Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 I always hear women on here say that women in general were raised and taught by society to let men pursue them and to show little to no interest in a man, even if they like him. It's always been my understanding that men pursue. Absorption from familial upbringing and environment. As for not showing interest, that's incorrect about it being a deliberate ignoring. For me, interest generates interest. If there's no interest from the guy, I find myself disinterested. Consider it a different kind of wiring. I can't seem to help it and that's straight up, no games.
Isolde Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 Would you guys agree with me that men like women who play hard to get, but not the other way around? I hate stereotyping, but I really feel this is how it goes.
Lovelybird Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 It is more like genes than teaching. Consider the sex activity, who is the one being aggressive? Man. Woman is the receiving side. But if you want a successful activity, the man has to get woman's agreement and heart, otherwise it is called violation. In dating world man try hard to win woman's heart. Its a golden rule I think the physical rule applys to phychological rules:D
Trialbyfire Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 Would you guys agree with me that men like women who play hard to get, but not the other way around? I hate stereotyping, but I really feel this is how it goes. I can't say this for certain because the ones who don't approach, aren't of interest to me. I will say that being someone who doesn't sleep around, it doesn't seem to reduce my opportunities for dating, although it might and I don't even notice it. Since I don't approach guys, I can't agree or disagree with your latter statement. Okay, so that probably means I'm the worst person to respond to your stereotyping questions.
monkey00 Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 Would you guys agree with me that men like women who play hard to get, but not the other way around? I hate stereotyping, but I really feel this is how it goes. I'm not a fan of women playing hard to get. If I'm fed up with it and I lose interest...The girl may snap and try to pursue me, but by then it's too late because I've lost interest. Kashmir, there's nothing wrong with your thinking. Anything is possible, even if you get into casual dating with a woman. I had good experiences and not so good experiences with women who chase/contact you if they really really like you. Personally I've got nothing against a woman pursuing me, but if off the bad I had no interest to begin with, then it'd be a waste of her time.
Lovelybird Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 Ok, if a man isn't that interested to pursue, that means he doesn't WANT. If he is so interested in a woman, and WANT her, he will ACT
Author kashmir Posted December 18, 2008 Author Posted December 18, 2008 Would you guys agree with me that men like women who play hard to get, but not the other way around? I hate stereotyping, but I really feel this is how it goes. Well, I don't feel that way at the moment, but if I was getting first-degree success with girls and had some options, then I suppose I'd like more of a challenge. That doesn't mean I'd want her to play hard to get though. I've probably had at least a dozen girls actively pursue me, but I wasn't interested in any of them from the start so I didn't really pursue them much. There was one exception...this girl I was really attracted to who was pretty aggressive towards me in the beginning (really really flirty, but didn't actually ask me out). I ended up asking her out...she was really excited about going out with me but she ran into some legit trouble and would be unavailable for a few weeks. She never returned my calls after that. I was really confused but I dropped it. A year later I found out right after I met her she came out of the closet and turned out to be really lesbian...like, she enlisted in the army. Anyway, but I usually get a bit frustrated when girls go so far not to reciprocate interest. I understand that not everyone is going to be attracted to me and I can take rejection, but the ones that don't outright reject me only give me mixed and flaky signals. Then I'll forget about them and move on, but they'll always see me around and give me big alluring smiles and small talk. I just wish they could pick one or the other - ignore me totally or show some interest back!
Isolde Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 Well, I don't feel that way at the moment, but if I was getting first-degree success with girls and had some options, then I suppose I'd like more of a challenge. That doesn't mean I'd want her to play hard to get though. I've probably had at least a dozen girls actively pursue me, but I wasn't interested in any of them from the start so I didn't really pursue them much. There was one exception...this girl I was really attracted to who was pretty aggressive towards me in the beginning (really really flirty, but didn't actually ask me out). I ended up asking her out...she was really excited about going out with me but she ran into some legit trouble and would be unavailable for a few weeks. She never returned my calls after that. I was really confused but I dropped it. A year later I found out right after I met her she came out of the closet and turned out to be really lesbian...like, she enlisted in the army. Anyway, but I usually get a bit frustrated when girls go so far not to reciprocate interest. I understand that not everyone is going to be attracted to me and I can take rejection, but the ones that don't outright reject me only give me mixed and flaky signals. Then I'll forget about them and move on, but they'll always see me around and give me big alluring smiles and small talk. I just wish they could pick one or the other - ignore me totally or show some interest back! Really? You've been pursued by more girls than I have guys... and you're only 19. What the heck are you worried about? It's a numbers game and you're still only in college, when most people are flaky. It will just get better and better for you.
SoulSearch_CO Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 My definition of "pursue" is a little bit different than where you're coming from. I am more than happy to show interest in a guy by flirting/smiling at him as long as he's friendly. I do consider myself shy, but can reciprocate when somebody's friendly. So I can show interest, no problem. The PURSUIT part, as far as making first few dates, first phone call, doing the majority of travel at the beginning of the dating....NO. Where did I learn this? My mother. By example and by her telling me specific things....about herself and about my older sister. I would say that probably my religious upbringing (that I'm no longer part of) might have played a very small part. But my mother definitely had the most influence as far as it being taught.
xpaperxcutx Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 Well one thing's for sure I didn't learn it from my mother. Mostly my experience comes from my dating ventures, which I might like to add, usually produces more success when the guy is pursuing rather than the other way around. I like to think I'm cursed because everytime I start showing interest in someone, they automatically shut me out and I'm left wondering what I did wrong. That's why I'm not keen on making the first move until I'm certain the guy in question feels the same way about me.
movingonandon Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 Would you guys agree with me that men like women who play hard to get, but not the other way around? I hate stereotyping, but I really feel this is how it goes. Women who "play hard to get" are annoying bitchezzz that i hever waste any time with . If she feels compelled to engage in any kinf of "play" at all, she's welcome to take that "play" elsewhere
Surfer Dude Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 Women who "play hard to get" are annoying bitchezzz that i hever waste any time with . If she feels compelled to engage in any kinf of "play" at all, she's welcome to take that "play" elsewhere Same here bro If she starts acting flaky and plays those silly mindgames, I'm gone I'm not very tolerant of BS in my life.
wierdmunky Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 I was "taught" to never call the boys, or to ever persue them. The last one I actually persued turned out to be really selfish with it too, so I don't think I'll go that route again. He never asked me out either, just said we were "together" at some point. I'll make moves, but will never ask them out.
lovestruck818 Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 I ONLY pursue men...them pursuing me and paying for me, gives them egos, the upper hand, the say and the control. I'd rather have that be on me. I don't rely on men and I don't want to. Don't pull out my chair- I will do it myself. Sh*t like this is why women are viewed as 2nd to men.
norajane Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 Experience, either your own or others', is a great teacher.
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