Light at the end of the tunnel? Another Jealousy thread!

[TinTin]

Hi everyone, I would like to start by saying that I’m new to this forum, and until I found this place, I did think I was actually going mad! I’ll apologise upfront for I feel this may be a lengthy post, but I think I would like to give you all a little background in the hope that one of you out there may be able to give me a little insight into my problem?! I’m a 28 year fella, and (I don’t think) I am an overly jealous person, but, I found this forum whilst looking for a solution to my recent manifestation of, as it would turn out to be, Retroactive Jealousy.

 

I have been in a relationship with my current girlfriend for around 18months, although we have known each other for around 6 years. I was in a casual relationship, and she was on the messy end of a 5yr relationship with a bit of an idiot when we got together. She was living with him and I was sort of seeing a girl but nothing serious. Her relationship had been over for a long time (her words) before we got together but she finally ended it about 3 months before we officially got together, although there was a little crossover. I moved in with her around 6 months into the relationship. We have just recently changed the mortgage into both our names rather than just hers and I know I’ve done the right thing. Apart from my jealousy I’m perfectly happy in the relationship and I know that once I can get over this hurdle I will happily spend the rest of my life with her, and she feels the same.

 

I made, in my eyes, a bit of a mistake about 6 months ago, by asking her about how many people she had slept with before me. Her answer was 10, not including me. Now as she was in such a long relationship, she’s nearly 25, this means she would have slept with 9 others before the age of about 18, and for some reason I can’t stop thinking about it! It’s not the 5 yr relationship I think about, it’s the others. Now I don’t know details, I don’t know how old she was when she lost her virginity or anything like that.. and after finding out how her number made me feel, I don’t want to know anything else. I know she didn’t have the greatest childhood, with her mam and dad divorced just after she was born. I realise she had some self esteem issues, which we’ve discussed, and I also know she used to drink way too much so probably put out way too quickly. Now this has never bothered me with any of my previous relationships, I was in a long term relationship from 19 – 23, which ended a bit messily for me, was just about to move in with her and she ended it. Took me a long time to get over it but I did. Had a few one night stands and a FWB for a while, but in total my number would be 8. Now I know it’s not a competition, I don’t know why I think like this, I know it’s completely irrational and I know that it’s my issue to overcome. I have spoken to her about it and she’s very understanding but obviously I don’t want this hanging over us. It is easier today than it was when I first discovered this about her, and I suppose it will get better with time. I’m writing this simply because I had a bit of a relapse this week (and it’s like therapy in itself seeing my ridiculous over active imagination in black and white) when we bumped into someone she “went out with for a little bit” when she was younger, and it just set my imagination off again.

 

Sorry about the length of this. I’m not looking for a straight up solution to this, I know that time will make it easier. I’m just looking to have a little release about this without stressing my GF too much, and hopefully a little insight, or help on how to minimise these thoughts.

 

Answers on a postcard please!

 

Many thanks

[AlektraClementine]

I have a hard time understanding why men feel the need to point out a woman's childhood traumas when trying to understand their sexual history.

 

Men can sleep with 100 women and no one says.."you know, he did have a traumatic childhood". I'm sorry, I realize it sounds as if I'm being patronizing towards you. I don't mean it that way. I just really hate that when a woman has a lengthy "number", it must be because she wasn't raised in a perfect home.

 

I've been with quite a few more guys than your girl has and I will tell you this. None of them ever compared to what I have now. I was quite active for a few years for no other reason than the fact that I like sex. A lot. But after a while, I realized that casual sex wasn't fulfilling for me at all.

 

But your post confirms my vow to NEVER tell my current boyfriend how many people I've had sex with.

[TinTin]

Thanks for your insight into my problem, I now feel I can move forward from this with little to no effort on my part thanks to your help!!!

[tomswife]

My husband: was married to a beautiful wonderful lady who loved him so much but he left her because he wanted to explore.

 

He had slept with about a 100 women and yes he had a very rough upbringing. He's my first and I'm his first love, all the ladies he slept with before he met me were just about sex. Sex is easy to find but love and emotional connections aren't. Be happy that this lady loves you not your sex drive. If you want to be her sexual fantasy king then open up to her and try to fulfil your fantasy with her.

 

Oh by the way, make sure your name is also on the deed not just on the mortgage.

I'm glad I'm my husband's wife not just a lady.........he.......

[TinTin]

Thankyou Tomswife, that makes sense. I do understand it was just sex, young and immature sex. Please don't get me wrong, I love this girl more than anything else in the world, and I wouldn't change her, not one bit of her. I don't hold it against her that she had these experiences when she was younger, quite the opposite, maybe one part of me wishes it was with half as many people, but hey ho.

 

I realise she wouldn't be the amazing woman she is now if it weren't for her past experiences, not just relationship wise. My issue is with the way I deal with this information. The logical part of my head tells me all of these things and more, it's just the part of my brain that runs wild and every now and then throws up a VERY graphic image of something i've completely imagined her doing as a teenager, and I need to switch that part off.

[brokenboy]

I've had the same affliction, and it's ruined several relationsihps. a few things I've learned...

 

- it's partly about insecurity, yours; you try to rationalize *why* she did it, and you may be right... low self-esteem gets many young girls into situations where they 'put out' w/o really thinking about it... that part is heartbreaking, but beside the point.

 

- it's partly about conflict, your rational side vs. your emotional side; the rational you knows this isn't a big deal, know it doesn't matter one bit, knows she loves you now and that's all that should matter... the emotional you is scared, angry, disappointed, hurt, powerless to change it... why? who knows... that's something you can work out with a therapist, but only if you accept that it is truly your issue... if not, make sure next time you go out and find a girl who has an 'acceptable' past...

 

- your ruminations will ruin you; obsessively thinking about it isn't normal, or healthy. some people get stuck there, I know I ruminate b/c I want to understand and figure out the problem - why it bothers me! there are some basic tools to shake off that pattern. remember, most dudes (and ladies) don't like to think of their woman getting banged... especially if it's by some idiot high school jock in the back seat of his car... that's ok to not like that thought, what's not normal is the obsessive thinking. the rumination. in this regard, perhaps you lack compassion for her, or understanding, or forgiveness. you can also try CBT as this can help you re-shape your perspective

 

- finally, realize that there just may be some things you can't or don't want to deal with; perhaps find a new girl and never ask about "pasts", b/c really... who gives a ****; or find a girl who's only had 2 boyfriends who loved her dearly if that makes you more comfortable; bottom line, you don't have to stay with her if you don't want, you can accept it, or you can't... but you will never solve or understand or rationalize enough to be ok with it... it's simply about acceptance... or not.