Sari Posted December 17, 2008 Posted December 17, 2008 I went out to my Christmas party last night and ended up kissing this guy who I have known and found attractive for a couple of months (though obviously never acted on as I was in a committed relationship). We had a wonderful time and although I felt a bit apprehensive still kissing someone new after 3 years with the ex, when I let go I really really enjoyed it. My ex and I did not have passion like that for the last year of our relationship, and due to various issues sex was more like a pleasant chore than a real pleasure. Now all of a sudden I'm feeling things I haven't felt in years (including my sex drive!). Could it be that my ex and I should have been over a long time ago? How can I go from feeling devastated about our break-up to feeling ok about it in the space of a couple of days? And actually liking this other guy, when just a few weeks ago the idea of kissing someone else turned my stomach? I thought long and hard in bed about it all last night, didn't sleep a wink, and came to the conclusion that my ex has made me feel unsexy and undesirable for so long, and this new guy made me feel like the sexiest thing on earth, so why should I go back to my old relationship and spend a lifetime feeling inadequate and wondering if I still turn him on? Before anyone hits me with the old 'rebound' comments, I have told this new guy that I am not ready for a relationship right now and could we just go out for a casual drink, he totally understands having been in this situation himself. I did find him attractive before my ex and I broke up, but I think I need a bit of time to be independent and not rush in to anything. I have a counselling session booked this week too, so am not just trading in my pain for a quick-fix rebound distraction, I still want to grieve and heal properly from my past relationship. I would be grateful for any comments or suggestions on this? Am I doing the 'right' thing? Why is my heart so fickle?? I feel like a bit of a fraud!
EmperorR Posted December 17, 2008 Posted December 17, 2008 It's good that your taking some time, I know for me some days I felt great like I was on top of the world then a few days later I would crumble back into a little ball it seems. But everyone si different maybe you are healed and doing better.
LouiseC Posted December 17, 2008 Posted December 17, 2008 "Pleasant chore". Wow that describes mine and the ex's sex life rather well actually. Companionship, friendship and love - that's what we were for a long while. Maybe for both of us, it should have ended a long while ago. We fall into things, and forget the things that we're missing, the things that are important. But they are important. The passion, the fun - we all need it, and we deserve it too. Perhaps this is your first step to recovery. As you say you don't want to start anything, but perhaps this is just something to prove that your ex isn't the be all and end all - and you can actually feel again.
DSM-IV Tom Posted December 17, 2008 Posted December 17, 2008 While I don't necessarily know the back story of your ex and you, as far as who made the mistakes/errors for the most part, I still feel it's okay to inform you to be cautious. You have taken all the necessary precautions already it seems (like telling him you aren't ready)... but do not feel like everything will be good from now on, as far as your heart and your ex goes. Be very wary of something called temporary relief. Also, feelings of numbness. We all (well, all us sane people. Don't know if I should include myself in that bunch) go through more ups and downs than a rollercoaster. We think we're fine only to find out the next day hell has a grip on your heart again. Keep your guard up for many months to come.
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