Which man do I choose?

[love-tard]

Okay, I have a dilemma. For the past 5 ½ years, I’ve dated the love of my life. He is my best friend, and I know that he loves me more than anything in the world. He has two kids, 6 and 8, who I’ve basically raised and love very much. The problem between us was that he had developed a serious drinking problem. When we first got together, we both drank often, but I’ve grown up a lot since then (I am now 24) and he hasn’t. I found myself raising his kids, taking care of bills, doing all the house work, putting up with his obnoxious friends. He started missing tons of work, being completely lazy, being a jerk, slob, and unappreciative of all the things I didn’t have to do for his family and his friends. I put up with him acting like this for well over a year, because it was really hard for me to leave him. He constantly made broken promises, and down played his problems. We finally had a huge blow up and I moved out. He didn’t take this serious and continued on a downward spiral. His kids stopped coming, he got behind on bills, used up all of his sick and vacation time at work (which he had TONS of), and basically drank every night and lied about it and made excuses. Soo I started dating another guy who I met at work. He is ridiculously nice, a total family man, he really appreciates me, doesn’t drink at all, and is in nursing school. He is really sensitive, really sweet, and totally nerdy. I’m usually a little bored with him, and I feel like I have to entertain him when I bring him around my friends, but maybe I feel this way because I’m just used to drama and a drunken idiot who is the life of the party and makes all my friends laugh.

So, in the midst of my new love life I get news that my ex had gotten into a bad fight at a bar, and he had to get life-flighted. He was unconscious for nearly 24 hours, and had swelling on the brain. He was in the hospital for a long time and I didn’t go to visit him, I was really upset that he was such an idiot, and couldn’t take care of himself, and I was afraid if I saw him like that I’d get sucked right back in to taking care of him and his life. After he recovered from the injuries, he turned his life around. He hasn’t drank in two months, he’s been working on his house, going to work, getting his kids, cooking, cleaning, doing his laundry. He’s apologized to me over and over, and he says that when he woke up in the hospital, I was the only person that he wanted to see. He says losing me was exponentially worse than any of the physical injuries, however he understands why I left. Recently he’s been begging me for another chance, to prove to me that he can be everything that I wanted him to be. He lost a lot of weight while he was in the hospital, and he still looks terrible two months later.

I really love him, and I miss him and his kids (who call me often and ask me if I don’t care about them anymore!) But, I feel bad breaking up with this new guy, who has done nothing wrong, really likes me, and is basically already everything that I wanted my ex to be.

I don’t know what to do, but right now I feel like I’m in two relationships because I’ve been talking to the ex again and I can’t take feeling like a sneaky sleeze. I could really use some advice. I’m afraid going back to the ex will be a huge mistake, but the man I’m with really isn’t as important to me at this point (not saying he won’t be in the future). Please, any advice would be appreciated. Who do I choose?

[lkjh]

Im not a big fan of second chances especially when you have already given 200 chances. He may be different now but can you be sure this will last. Whats gonna happen when you are 40? Do you really think you can rely on him then? Whatever your choice is you need to stick with it. Do not look for reasons to keep going back to whichever guy.

[CaliGuy]

My big rule when it comes to "choosing" between two people is neither. If you aren't sure which one is best for you without a doubt, then you probably should let them both go to find someone who is sure.

 

Sounds harsh I know but it's what I think personally is for the best.

[JaneLane]

My big rule when it comes to "choosing" between two people is neither. If you aren't sure which one is best for you without a doubt, then you probably should let them both go to find someone who is sure.

 

Sounds harsh I know but it's what I think personally is for the best.

 

I second this.

[Eyeofthoth]

Wow. I really want to weigh in on this one:

 

First of all, it does not sound like you love the new guy. He is nice, but you are a little bored with him and that is not likely to get better. Of course, I think you raise a very good point that you may just be bored because you are used to drama. So definitely dig deep and asked yourself why you are bored. Do the two of you have interests in common? Can you talk? Do you need something else in your life to be passionate about and are you putting too much responsibility on your SO to be entertaining to you? If, after you have really examined the situation with the new guy, you do not feel that it is love that is going to last, then break up with him for that reason.

 

Do not break up with him just because you are having thoughts of your ex. Do however, share with him that you are having these thoughts. He deserves to know about them and sharing that has the potential to both shake things up and lessen the power of the thoughts.

 

Second of all, regardless of what happens with the new guy, I do think you would be making a mistake by going back to your ex . . . at least at the present time or in the near future.

 

Two months is nothing when it comes to an alcoholic who is trying to turn his life around.

 

If I were you, I would tell him how proud of him you are that he is getting his act together, but that it is much too soon for you to consider rekindling your relationship because the trust issues go very deep.

 

He dug a big hole and he needs to keep shoveling that dirt back in for awhile before he will really be on level ground.

 

If you find that you want to break up with the new guy but you don't think that you can do it without getting prematurely pulled back into the relationship with the ex, then I would say that you really need to look at yourself and worry about how solid your own foundation is. Are you able to be alone if it would be the best thing for you?

 

Your situation hits very close to home for me in a terribly painful way. My ex broke up with me to return to his ex-fiance. He was never bored with me and even at the very end he told me that there was nothing wrong with our relationship -- that it was wonderful and beautiful and growing, but of course (though he did not say this), after a year and a half a little of the overpowering passion had died down for us and some issues that needed a little work had become clear.

 

He told me that his ex had come back into his thoughts a lot and wanted to get back together and he just felt so pulled back into something that he did not feel was finished . . . He had to go.

 

Mind you, this was "psycho-ex." A drama filled relationship that he had described to me earlier as a "bullet he had dodged." Someone who he "would never" leave me for.

 

Six months later I see him as a really weak person who did a terrible thing. If our relationship was not going to work out for him he should have had the guts to end it and be alone. If our relationship needed a little work he should have had the guts and the fidelity to stick around and do it. Instead, he acted like an alcoholic who fell off the wagon of a fantistic relationship with me to go back to a person who was bad for him but filled his life with drama and excitement. I think he is an idiot.

 

He told me that I was his best friend and then he ran like a panicked junkie and threw our beautiful friendship down the garbage disposal. He was in my bed one week and in hers the next. He hurt me worse than anyone has ever hurt me in my entire life.

 

And . . . I still love him with all my heart.

 

And . . . now that the horrible pain is fading a little, I find that it is not so terrible to be alone for awhile.

 

You are so young. You probably have never been out of a relationship and on your own. Maybe you should try it.

 

I know I see everything through the lens of my own experience, but I guess we all do and that is all I can offer.

[carhill]

Choose neither and remain distantly supportive of your ex, if you so desire. Try some alone time

[love-tard]

Thank you, everyone for your input. I really appriciate your thoughts. I think you are right, that I should just be alone for a while, and that is scary to me, but I have friends and I think that everything will workout eventually. Now, I have to break up with new man, and clarify that I want to stay single to old man... and hope they don't hate me.

Thank you again!

[BackonTrack2]

Its funny how women or people in general can go in and between relationships and then be in this sort of jam when they have to choose between two people. Its also funny how you take light of this whole situation in your response and say "I hope they don't hate me"

 

Its funny how people can get in and out of relationships as easy as they get in and out of a pair of shoes, people such as yourself astonishes me.

 

You love this man, yet you've outgrown him, you feel as if you are mothering him, and he's not pulling his weight, so you leave him.

 

Immediately after you leave him, you start having sex with this new bloke, a nice guy, everything you want in a man, but yet, at the same time your in communication with your ex and seeking advice on whom to choose on an internet website.

 

You don't want to be a sleeze but thats what your doing, call a spade a spade, why don't you be alone, learn about yourself, grow as a person, recover from these relationship(s).

 

Question to YOU, I bet your EX doesn't know about the new guy.

Question to YOU, I bet your NEW guy doesn't know about your EX.

 

Men are not always going to be there for you, your looks, your personaility, your charm, your social life, will all come crashing down and you won't have anyone to fall back on except yourself. Be stronger and spend some time alone, this isn't a game or a prize fight, where you can weigh your options and choose the best gladiator, your dealing with real life people with feelings and emotions. Continue on this path and one day.. well lets hope that day doesn't come.

 

Why did you even start ****ing the new guy when you weren't even over the OLD guy? You'll learn the hard way or maybe not, good luck to you and your relationship(s).

 

Why are either of these men even giving you the option to CHOOSE? Ahh, they don't know about each other... The word Whore comes to mind.

[MN randomguy]

OP,

 

Good to see you're growing up and making better decisions with your life.

 

A little more light on the old BF. He is manipulating his kids to call you and get you back. Of course they want you to mother them and their dad.

 

You're best going No Contact with the drunk guy for a while. Part of the being an alcoholic is the deceptive personality one must develop to get through life that way. (lying to skip work to drink, lying to keep a SO around).

 

2 months isn't near enough time. Maybe check back in in two years.

[trixy]

My sons father was an alcoholic. We both bear the emotional scars of his behaviour even though he left five years ago. He has phases where he is sober (currently a few months I believe) but he always ends up drinking again. Leopards do not change their spots and I always take his words and promises to my son with a pinch of salt. He frequently lets his son down and I have to mop up the mess.

Two months is not long enough to say he is sober. Be very careful.