He is now separated, after so long..but?

[LavendarGirl]

HEY LG and MTL

Here is to wishing and hoping that we get real, get honest and start living honest lives with integrity.

 

Ah, SG, I toast to that one! Honesty and integrity...great aspirations! I found this forum about two months ago and could intuitively put the pieces together, but it wasn't until this week that I felt my resolve building...or maybe it was boiling...because I am smelling bullsh** coming from my MM, and I just don't want to shovel it any more.

 

Will I still pine for him? Yeah, probably! But I'm sticking with the honesty and integrity concept that you threw out there. I'd love it if he left his W and we could begin a legitimate R, but I can't hold my breath.

 

Hang in there guys!!

 

--LG

[LucreziaBorgia]

Perhaps he is just burned out on relationships in general, or is looking for a simple clean slate?

[SupportGroupie]

Hey there

I hear ya. You know I go back and forth a lot. Its hard to let go, but hell....ya know, it aint gonna' be a fairytale no matter what. Here are my reasons for wanting to move on

 

1. If he lied to her (his wife) he will lie to us

2. He has lied to her, and he has lied to us

3. Wouldnt we worry he would cheat on us, every late night of work, every business trip, etc?

4. If these men wanted to be with us, they would be.

5. These men should not have put themselves and their wives in this position...or us. THO we choose it, so we have responsibility.

6. Are some marriages doomed and almost over, and it sort of makes it alright to consider these MM? perhaps...but they need to end their crazy stuff before they cheat...really. or they should..in a perfect world

7. the fear and insecurity i would have even if i got this man would be fierce. who could trust one of these MM..?

 

SO I look at all this waiting and pain, and craving the passion and realize its probably a smoke screen. EVEN if he is a soul mate, we sure can find others that offer something real. I will always love my not separated MM...and probably nothing will compare, but i have had much better relationships since, with loving, honest and fantastic men. THO i did not fall in love with them, they were way more worthy of my time and affections than MM ever will be. I have some pain and anger but mostly hurt.

 

I am so in the dark abt my MM cause he has never lived near me, nor do i know anything about his life, etc..so its a smokescreen..he could lie about anything.

 

SO what if he is free....f-it. We somehow think it will work out...i doubt it. I know MM who left their wives cause it was over over..but to leave for the OT, how often does that actually work out.

 

MY issue is the not knowing a thing abt his life, clueless...i so want to know...where he lives, what he does...what he says...is any of it real or is he a great BS artist. he swears he cares...yada yada

 

F-it

I am become aware....i just wish i could know more

 

have a great day

SG

[LavendarGirl]

Hey SG,

Too bad you don't live near me, we could have a cup of coffee or appletini and lament over our MM's. I agree with your lines 1-6. But line 7, no I don't feel that way over my MM. I'm still praying & hoping that my email and NC request is going to lead to him leaving the W and getting with me. Yeah, I might be a fool, and I can't hold my breath. I have 26 years total history with this MM, we started off as friends, we had good reasons to break up when we did. I was the one that kept him at bay post breakup, some 20 years ago. He carried the torch for a very long time. We worked very hard at keeping a friendship going, and then hard at keeping ourselves in check. I can't fault him for deceiving me, not at any point other than the most recent where I see him stuck wanting to make me happy as well as his W, and he's not getting the idea that it's impossible.

 

He knows me better than any other man has in my 40 years of existence. There's not a day that goes by without my thinking about him. I know all about his life, can rattle off the names of 30 of his relatives (we met through his family), his hobbies, interests, fears, joys. We are either soulmates destined for each other, or I've got an addiction with his face on it, and I'm a hopeless cause.

 

But back to your situation and your MM. So when you guys dated something like 6 years ago, it was always a LDR? And you didn't feel like you got to know the real him? What about in the interim years as friends, has he opened up to you, and shared with you his daily ins and outs so you can get to know him better?

[SupportGroupie]

HEY LG

Heck yes I wish we could get a martini and shoot the sh**. LOL. Your situation is so so very different and so much deeper. I cant compare and I really feel for you. This man sounds like your soul mate and I understand where you are and why. I pray it works out the way you want it. You seem strong and realistic....and hopeful, but also not foolish.....hugs to you girl, really.

 

As for my MM, it will sound foolish and trite...we have spend little time together. That is what makes it so odd. I am so NOT used to being like this with anyone. He was here on business when I met him like 7 yrs ago or so. He was separated at the time, i never questioned it.

 

We had three unreal, amazing and deep, intense dates before he had to go back to where he lived. We do not live within driving distance...at all. So it would be a plane ride to see him, vice versa.

 

I had never in my life felt passion, hunger, excitement, connection, chemistry or anything like this in my life. I had dated like 50 other men..lol..really. never fell hard for anyone, never been in love. I was not a kid..i was like 37..cant even recall how long ago i met him. So this crazy thing happened between us, then he left for his life and job in another state. We had a horribly painful goobye, cause we both felt something insane and different. I never got tied up like this with anyone. It seemed unreal.

 

Long story short, he moves back to Timbuktu..lol (state withheld) and we call and email all the time, and plan a trip for me to go see him. We say the most intense things on phone and in email and cant believe how intense it is.

 

So a week or so before i was supposed to go see him, did not have flight yet, i get a call on my cell from A BOILING MAD woman asking "WHO ARE U AND HOW DO YOU KNOW...(name withheld)...i was like....um...who are u....???? Shocked i was like what the bleep is going on. She said , "this is (name withhelds) WIFE AND DONT YOU EVER CALL HERE AGAIN. he is MY HUSBAND. I was stunned and had no clue if she was just mad he moved on, mad he had a new relationship, found out he met someone whatever.

 

I get a call like a week later, and he told me he moved back in with her, he had to. The kids, the yada yada etc and he was very sorry he did not tell me. I was shocked to death as I never considered her, he left her, she lived in another state and he and i were dating sort of...SO this is what started the on/off affair...

 

We never lived in same state and have only seen eachother 4 or 5 times since..in 7 years. He professed his love, and many other things, stayed with her cause of kids, grandkids...she needed him etc. NOPE we never talked about anything..he would not talk abotu her other than that he was unhappy...and did not know what to do.

 

I always thought he would leave her and he made it seem they were just roomates. the few times i saw him, sneaking away , for a night or two..once a year..the times were insane and magical..and heartwrenching. Each time it was for me to talk to him about his status cause i said i cant have affair..i cant do this...i cant. We kept in touch, we fell madly in love..so it seemed.

 

BUT i never knew crap about him, his wife, his life. He wont communicate, he is private. I started dating a great man 2 yrs ago...and was totally committed and stopped most contact with MM. BUT was still in contact here and there, BUT i told MM i would not cheat, or be immoral on anyone. So he could be my casual email friend. thats all. I was pining away for him the whole time, it was hell to say the least. I thought of him every day.

 

I saw MM within the past year (came to town on business) told him CLEARLY it could only be friends..i had a BF..would not cheat...made it a safe meeting place, told my BF i was meeting MM. Told my BF about almost everything that happened and he knew i had been with MM before we met. I was very honest. I did not tell BF i was still in love or deep lust with MM tho. He did know i had feelings.

 

When MM was here, I did not cheat...but the feelings and pain and hurt and wonderding and lust and love all came back in a flash. Saying goodnye was gut wrenching.

 

Long story short, i cut him out again, BF and i broke up, got back, broke up..but i cut out MM i thought. THEN NOW I find out he is separated ...just a few motnhs, left his wife, and she moved out. He has since been distant and aloof and very odd. ALL i know is he thinks he made the right decision about her. He loves her but not in love. He is am emotional basket case...totally exhausted and had a ton of crap on him. His family is destroyed, wife wants him back...and he is a mess.

 

WHERE DO I FIT IN, it seems i dont. After 6-7 whatever years of MM saying he loved me, i was the best thing that ever happened to him..yada yada...and so many other things..now he seems distant, secretive and completely not here. I know he is deeply saddened to hurt his family. He was with her like 22 years. He loves his kids, grandkids...etc. SO he is in pain, i know.

 

I dont push..i did ask what the deal was, where i fit it...and i think he just cant or wont say. He says..OH it would fun to see u if u are in town (lol..WTF does that mean.) I am never in town...we dont live near eachother

 

SO I think he got cuaght with another women, and or is thinking about someone else..not me. When months ago i was still someone he loved. I do believe he is totally distraught and cant think about anything, but i feel betrayed, lied to...mislead, confused..and dont know crap about him, his family, his work. I am a dirty little secret but he made it seem all along that if his marriage ended (NOT FOR ME..i never tried or asked..ever) that i was the person he wanted to be with.

 

Now it seems like something in the past. I dont trust him, i feel hurt beyond, and i feel like he is playing me for a fool..and i love him, and hate him...lol

 

i could never invision a life, we are too different, but i was waiting patiently for 7 years for a time when he was free..so we could just hang out, date, she whats there without all the other crap.

 

I think that time has gone. NOT knowing anything is killing me, was it real...was it love...? Every time i try to get crazy on him..lol and say..WAS THIS REAL..do u really care..he gets very offended and assures me i was way more than a fling, that he loves me..etc etc BARF BARF

 

I think he is a good, loving man, with a big heart most of the time, but now i wonder if i was wrong.

 

i am distraught and confused...hate that he has this whole secret life in another state, many states away and i will never know what was real.

 

I NEED TO WALK AWAY

 

PROBLEM: i have a business trip in several months to the same state as this man. Not sure if i will see him, or what to do.

 

I want to walk away, i cant so far.

thanks for letting me vent away

Its so hard..as u know

HUGS and good luck to you

truly

SG

[LavendarGirl]

SG,

Okay, here I am reading your post all serious-like, and you have to go and put in BARF BARF and make me laugh so hard that I have to start up at the top and reread!

 

Yeah, my situation is some deep stuff, but it makes your situation no less important, so no fair calling it trite. It's not trite by any definition.

 

My alarm bells go off big time when you mention that he kept his life details to you private. It's one thing to be private in the initial date stage, but you've known this guy, been intimate with him, for YEARS. I would say that he kept things private so that you wouldn't catch him in lies. No telling what might be lurking in his life, really!

 

I'd also really question if he was ever truly separated from the W when you initially started dating. Maybe he was geographically separated from her, for say a short term work assignment, and then moved back to the family when his assignment was over. The bad sign here is that it took him a week after the W calls you for him to get back to you and explain his situation. Especially considering you were planning a get together, so you guys were still an item at the time.

 

I also wonder if he's avoiding you right now because he doesn't want you to know the truth behind his current life situation. Maybe he was caught in a A that overlapped the time you were having an A with him. Maybe you will discover other unsavory truths that he's kept from you, or that he realizes that he lied to you so much he can't re-establish anything without the lies being revelaed.

 

Also, he could be a Love Junkie...that is, he is in love with being in love. And he kept things with you intentionally heated and intense without any elements of reality. And he's afraid that once you know the real him and his flaws either you will bail out on him (because he's got some snarly flaws), or things will become like a normal relationship when he's wanting the intense high and thrill.

 

Sucks that the BF you were seeing is on the fritz because your being single again right now is making SM look all the more desirable. Of course, and you know it, don't go back to the now ex BF just for the security (and you're not the type to do that), but the timing bites, doesn't it.

 

For now, hang on to the part where you say you never envisioned a life with him because you are too different. I know it's a tidbit, but that is something to repeat to yourself. Would be great to find out what's really going on with him, what secrets he's had all this time.

 

You know, you can also search his county records for marriage and divorce dates online. Oh, did I say that?

 

Be careful of that upcoming business trip, if you are readily available, it's going to be a rumble in the sheets, and you might not really want that if you don't have any good answers.

 

Hang in there, hugs to you...

 

LG

[SupportGroupie]

LG

U rock. Thanks so much. Yeah I see the writing on the wall. It just bites me in the ass everytime I hear from him. I am not used to waiting for anyone. TRIPLE BARF and HURL.

 

I so appreciate these conversations. I dont talk much about this guy to anyone. I have a ton of friends and a huge social life out here, and I live a pretty good life, while this secret part is hell on wheels....lol. OF my doing.

 

The EX BF is just an amazing species..lol. I love him dearly but we dont click in so many ways. You cant force who you love. It is so odd how life works. The man i want to fall in love with who is here, available, loves me, treats me beautifully, and I adore him and we have a deep emotional connection...i wanted to fall for him...but you cant force it. Then I have the MM who does not live here, is not honest, has lied, lives miles away and has a complictated and crazy life....he is or WAS the one i loved for so long. Wish I could just get over it. I WILL one day I hope.

 

Damn that MAN...good thing I am not a venegeful person. I am a person who practices forgiveness and does not GET BACK at people..but if i ever change my VIBE..lol..it would sure be fun to get all pissed off and go ROGUE..lol (sarah palin) and maybe um..throw a snow ball at him...lol...or a bowling ball. HA HA HA HO HO

 

Thx for everything, u rock. AND i am here if you need to vent

SG

[LavendarGirl]

You can't force who you love. Yeah. No truer statement ever said. Would be great to be able to, though. Like collect some pheromones, program it into the brain, and voila! Instant love connection with a guy who's mature, stable, and emotionally available.

 

Your intuition is right on with the MM, reading through your posts, you can spot the lies now, if maybe you weren't able to when you were knee-deep involved with him. So, keep listening to your inner voice, you are a smart cookie, you know that he's potentially bad news.

 

But boy, wouldn't it be great just to know all the missing tidbits of information about your MM. All of what he chose to not tell you.

 

Oh, now throwing a snow ball, that's definitely GAME ON. LOL. Don't throw that bowling ball, you'll be labeled as a dangerous stalker, and that's just not right. Nope.

 

Well, hang in there!!

[mytruelove]

LUC, thanks for pointing out that they could just be burnt out or looking for a new start. i agree completely. i think we have to realize that these men are just coming out of marriages/serious relationships, and it is a major life change to say the least. the reality is that they need time to grieve that relationship, adjust, and process the whole ending before they can move on. mine was just telling me this morning how he was just plain exhausted. in some ways i think we are expecting too much from them - not that we don't deserve it and shouldn't demand it, but it probably is unrealistic expectations to say the least.

 

SG, in reading what you wrote have you tried asking him more questions? finding out more about him? trying to get to know him more? i would make that a point if you continue the relationship.

 

i'm with LG, i know all mine's hobbies, i know his struggles, his insecurites, all his quirks, etc. how do i know this? because i asked questions and we share a lot of the same personality and we have an understanding of each other like i haven't had with anyone else. we are a lot a like, but different in just the right ways. anyway, seems to me you should make it a point to get to know him more if you continue contact.

 

LG, have you got a response to your email yet?

 

ohhh, and catch my new thread...back on the rollarcoaster for me. geez!!!

...feel free to smack me silly.

 

i'd write more, but i'm leaving early. i'd write more more but i'm off to my friends for the weekend

[LavendarGirl]

Hey MTL, yeah I did receive a response to my email. He begged me to reconsider and not toss in the towel just yet. I responded by holding firm to my position, that I love him but can't continue on as his A, that he can contact me if/when he decides to leave his W. (Sigh).

[mytruelove]

how was everyone's weekend? mine was so busy i was barely home. that is good though because it keeps my mind off things.

 

SG - yep -"good thing I am not a venegeful person." I know one of my guys worse fears is revenge. he always says nothing worse than a woman scorned. in our last conversation i told him that if he knew me at all he would know that i'm not capable of revenge, besides, it's me that i'm mad at not him...yanno...i'm big on being responsible for my own actions, but it sure would be nice to be able to go off on him. the other day was the VERY first time i ever gave him a piece of my mind and the closest i came to yelling at him. it did feel good to stand up for myself...anyway, i vote for the bowling ball...does more damage

 

LG, i commend you for staying strong. i know how very very hard that is. hang in there. we have to believe that we are making positive changes and have to remember that without making these changes we will not have the relationship we want anyway...so, i don't think you have anything to lose and everything to gain. heard anything since you emailed him back again?

[LavendarGirl]

Hi SG! You've been quiet this weekend, which might mean that you were off doing lots of things and not thinking about the SM that should be calling you but he isn't.

 

Hi MTL, yeah, he called me yesterday, thank goodness. I asserted my position, and told him he's going to need to stop sitting on the fence about all of this. I told him that I feel confused and rejected that after all this time of him saying that he wanted to do things right, he's suddenly slipping/waivering. He says...He's having it hard finding the right time to tell his W, though he says he's decided he needs to do it, when to do it is another matter. He also says that I've been the love of his life for 25 years and running, he's not going to stop loving me and he's going to do what needs to be done. And he understands that I am resentful and angry, just that he asks that I don't close my heart to him. I agreed not to close my heart, but I said that I couldn't be that way forever. So, I don't know, I feel better,much better today than I did on Friday, because I feel there's hope on the horizon.

 

Sorry SG for getting off the original thread topic.

[mytruelove]

LG i think it's great how you stated how you feel clearly in feeling messages without accusing or putting it on him (this is always how i try to do it)- just stating how you feel and leaving it at that for him to handle and process. GREAT!!!

 

yea SG, waiting to hear from you too

 

i am soo looking forward to the holidays being over also. i'm so looking forward to a great New Year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[SupportGroupie]

HEY MTL and LG

 

Hugs and support to both of you. Man this crap aint easy. Good for you LG for sticking up for you and your needs. It's so hard when the love of your life is telling you he wants to be with you, yet he is with someone else. I sure feel for you.....

 

MTL i cant recall your story so I have to go back and read. I was in a whirlwind on here when i started so i have forgotten a lot.

 

I am also sifting thru all my crap and baggage and pain....not knowing what my newly separated MM is doing..where he is, whats up

 

I believe its another women...and that he has been BSing me for some time. I am so hurt and fed up and stomach in knots I just dont know what to do really. I am trying to move on, without contact and answers but am flabbergasted (cool word..lol) that this little shi* head...lol has not been in touch much and is being very distant and allusive and sneaky it seems. that or he is really just an emotional mess..which he says...but i think its more. I think the lies are deep. as deep as my pain.

 

I want to know whats going on, and i cant. thats the worst

 

thanks for being here

HUGS

SG

[mytruelove]

(((hugs))) sounds like your having a rough day. i'm sorry to hear that.

 

i know it is really hard not to know what is going on or what the future holds. it creates anxiety. so then we have to find ways to deal with that...breathing, yoga, self-help books, walking, counseling, etc. some days it's completely whiteknuckling it...just getting through the day.

 

you know, when i read your post the first thought that came to my mind? maybe it's better that you don't know what is going on. maybe the less you know the better?... just another way to look at it and maybe find some peace. take this time to breath and relax from the chaos that can be these relationships and focus on you sweetie.

 

he's not pulling you into the drama and i believe there is a lot to come for him. that's probably a good thing. it could be what protects your sanity.

[SupportGroupie]

Thanks so much MTL. Yes its best I stay distant and also probably best he does not contact me. I am so hurt and he is hurting from his life, or lies..lol..or whatever...UGH

 

Luckily I do a lot of reading, socializing, working out, friends etc. My life is full without this hitting me in the face...but ^&()&*(^#^$& i just am really surprised and hurt and baffled too. I am moving forward.

 

The fact that I am about to make plane reservations to travel to withihn a few hrs or his home state, is painstaking. I have a business trip that puts me in driving distance to him..sort of ...over 2 hrs..more like 3..lol. BUT heck I had driven 3 hrs to see him when he was on business and was in the same coast as me..lol

 

So what sux is that i am just making my business trip without considering him. Normally that would include seeing him..it would give us a chance to hang out...without him being MARRIED...and without all the guilt and shame. So its hard just sitting back and pretending i wont be in the same state, and just let it go. I rarely see this man, like once every 1 1/2 year....so its not like a regular thing.

 

I am being strong, rational and just dealing with my business trip....when the time gets closer....i may or may not choose to send him an email and let him know i will be in town sort of. Earlier in a vague email he sent me a week ago..he said nonchallantly...(sure let me know if you are in town --i dont know what my life will be etc etc but its always good to see you...!!))

 

I mean WTF is that shi*? lol

He made it seem like i am some old college drinking buddy passing through town. Not the women he confessed his loved to, repeatedly...who ultimately wanted to be with me...if ever he was separated.

 

I don't see a life or future with him, nor did I envision that because too much has happened. But I did expect him to come at me at lightning speed to see me and tell me how frigging fantastic it was to get to be with me. But that is not happening, nor will I wait for it to happen. I dont trust him, nor respect him anymore.

 

So its hard to deal with...right now. I rarely ever travel anywhere near him so this is rare. Actually..lol..I did have another trip to the same coast once but of course he was out of town on vacation....with the wife he says he has no love for and they are just roomates. YEAH right. lol I always supported his relationship and told him to work on that, before he came to me. But he just always came back, at least in emails.

 

ARG..mediate, sip wine, read books, work out and enjoy life..thats all I can do.

 

This guy is in no place for visits nor does he deserve my company right now. I really feel he ****t-- on me too many times, and has been evasive and has lied in some big ways. SO i look to the future (not with him) and will have to live with the now, right now

 

THANKS so much and many many (((HUGS))) to you

It helps to vent. I do go to counseling but its useless for this part of my life...i know, sounds odd, but its useless...

 

I need to go back and read your posts so I can recall what you have been going through...and send support.

thanks gain

 

SG