I need to change!

[SarahT111]

Hi guys!

 

I know none of you on here are psychologists but I need some help sorting myself out!

 

I was lying awake last night thinking what I am going through is un natural, Im am not going to a professional for help but I will if you guys suggest it.

 

Anyway breakups and relationships have absolutly done my head in.

I am 20 (almost 21) and I have hit rock bottom in my life.

Its a ridiculous thing to say as I know deep down I am very lucky but I want to get how I feel out there so please dont judge my selfishness!

 

I always felt like I was the last person to get a bf.

Growing up I hung round with the popular pretty crowd at school but I was the uglyiest one of the bunch.

I always knew it. I used to get teased alot and no guy EVER showed interest. From a young age I always new I would never get married and have kids as I was so ugly. But deep down love was all I ever wanted.

I hated the fact that all my friends had bfnds and no one showed the slightest interest in me. I felt like such a no hoper and a loser.

This carried on right through primary school to intermediate to highschool. No one showed an interest as I was plain ugly and overweight.

I look back now and I almost think I may have been depressed.

 

On my 18th birthday I finally met a guy, someone who showed so much interest in me. It was everything I dreamed of and I fell in love. Nothing mattered anymore, I didnt feel ugly or worthless, I felt fantastic.

This guy treated me like an angel.

It didn't matter anymore that no one at school ever showed interest in me.

I stayed with this guy for 1.5 years and it was the happiest I had ever been.

I pretty much had no friends during this time as he was all I wanted. We planned our entire future and I was certain it was going to happen. I never cared about anything else.

 

Anyway suddenly I took what I had for granted and I stopped treating him as well as I used to. Suddenly for some reason feelings of hate towards him took over, I seemingly couldnt stand to be around him.

I had had heaps of disappointments in other aspects in my life and I came depressed and withdrawn from him.

He left me and my world ended.

 

I mean my world literally ended. I tried to end my own life a few times. My heart was torn, I would vomit everyday from stress and didn't eat for months. I lost an incredible amount of weight. I collasped many times and was in and out of hospital for months. I cant even explain what I went though. My world ended.

 

Somehow months and months later I got through it. Somehow I built myself a life. I got friends, started a degree. But I was never me again. Those months had changed me. I became a push over I guess and did anything for anyone else. I was very sensitive and would get upset over anything. I lost my own self happiness and just lived to make others happy.

 

Since then I had a two week relationship with another guy. Being with him was the happiest I had ever been, again I felt amazing, nothing else mattered. But he ended it and again I was crushed. I went through the same feelings of considering taking my life.

I had another relationship that lasted 3 months and the guy treated me like absolute crap. I was a doornat and ran around doing EVERYTHING he said as I was terrified of losing him.

Well again he left and the same feelings resurfaced. I didnt want to live, I almost did lose it this time.

 

So I was lying in bed crying last night when it hit me that this ISN'T right. I need help. My life is amazing when Im with someome and im so dam happy. But when they leave my entire world crashes and ITS NOT healthy.

I cant go on getting this low after a breakup.

I go from ultimte low to ultimte highs then back to the lowest of lows.

After a 2 week and 3 month relationship where I was treated like crap I was an absolute mess. Unable to function, eat, sleep.

Im only happy when im with someone and it needs to change.

 

Does anyone else feel like this? (Maybe not to my extremes)

And how do I change?

 

Sadly I have be become some one I dont reconginise.

I barely eat any more, I dont laugh or smile the way I used to. I just dont have fun anymore.

I cry all the time when im alone, and I just feel like the worlds biggest failure.

[DSM-IV Tom]

First and foremost, you certainly need professional help. Anyone who says otherwise, does not truly fathom the depth of this situation.

 

Seek professional help. Immediately.

 

Now, as for the actual problems.

 

You've pinpointed everything you need to change. This is half the battle already.

 

Now all you must do is find out WHY and how exactly to change.

 

As for the "why" part, I can offer a few things. Please take what I say seriously.

 

Firstly, you may be suffering from a cluster C disorder of the DSM-IV known as Dependent Personality Disorder. I do not know enough about you personally though to make such an assessment and diagnosis but I suggest you research it immediately and make your own judgements; but its imperative you keep in mind that you need a professional to diagnose you. You can think you are one, and even match all the symptoms, and still not be one. You NEED a professional.

 

Moving on: You may be suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder. Extreme black and white thinking, extreme disliking of change.

 

Or it could be something simple as you grew up being made fun of and having self doubt, and so you need a guy to validate you at this point; having a guy temporarily corrects the feelings you've felt throughout childhood. This is a rather simple problem to correct with the right help.

 

But regardless, the diagnosis doesn't change: You need the help of a licensed professional immediately.

 

Keep us updated. You've already done half the battle.

[IcemanJB]

Wow I can't believe what I'm reading. My ex said some of those exact same things to me during our breakup.

 

"I've always put others in front of myself, never myself first."

"I'm so happy when I'm with you, but feel terrible without you; i worry what you think of me."

 

She was having an extremely hard time saying this to me through the tears, so I tried to finish her thoughts a couple times (haha i know, not always the best idea). I said to her "you don't know how to make yourself happy, because you've always worried about what others think. steph, it is not my job to make you happy, you should figure that out for yourself." She nodded in agreement. I still to this day cannot believe I said that, but I'm so glad I did. She admitted to me that she hadn't cried like that since she was very young, so this is truly something she needs to take care of.

 

You're right, this is definitely something that you need to get help for. Do not try to get the help from here.

 

As DSM said, you've found the problem. I know you have because my ex and I split for pretty much those reasons. It's not healthy.

[bean1]

SarahT111, I have gone through the same things as you and I suggest you hold your head up high and take control of your youthful freedom. Make plans with friends, get involved in a charity, enjoy a sport or something. It's part of growing up - enjoy your life as a single and then you will be confident enough to share your life with someone else, joyfully.

 

...on a side note:

 

DSM-IV Tom, this is one of multiple posts that you have made addressing people's problems by suggesting that they and/or their ex's suffer from some of the more 'mainstream' psychological disorders. Clearly, you are not a psychologist (as a psychologist would never attempt to suggest these disorders based on a post where someone is upset over their lovelife, that is done through multiple counselling sessions or even referrals from their doctor, etc). NOTHING is her post suggests anything about bipolar disorder! Naming off clusters of the more common disorders suggests that you are using a 2nd or 3rd year psychology textbook from college to attempt to suggest people into believing they suffer from disorders when they are just UPSET and VULNERABLE over a painful event in their life that seems magnified because of the proximity of the event. If, for some reason you actually work with the mentally ill and have professional training with those in crisis (as I do, in law enforcement and extensive crisis training), I should remind you that it is unprofessional to attempt to diagnose others in this forum. Just be supportive and suggest counselling.

[dns502475]

There are some very important things going on with you from just the little I've read.

 

Now, I can absolutely say that I identify with your situation. I could handle other life disappointments well, but a breakup...whew! They would absolutely devastate me until I started really getting some help and became determined to get stronger in that area.

 

I am well-trained (but admittedly, not licensed) in recognizing many of these disorders, and I have counseled dozens of people with situations similar to yours, but you would have to actually sit down with a psychologist, psychiatrist, or a licensed therapist (which I definitely believe you ABSOLUTELY SHOULD DO and SOON) to get a thorough handle of what's going on.

 

I agree with Tom that there is definitely a personality disorder of some form you're dealing with, but even from the little bit you've written here, I don't think it's anything remotely as severe as dependent personality disorder, or even borderline personality disorder.

 

These are some of the most severe personality disorders out there, and you would have to show A LOT more than an unhealthy dependency on romantic relationships in order to meet the diagnosis. You would have to issues handling responsibilities in other life areas as well. And it couldn't be due to the depression resulting from a failed romance. Doesn't sound like this is what you're presenting.

 

To me, you sound like you suffer from something that's called "Love Addiction". I would suggest you google this and read some of the literature online regarding it. But basically, this is the definition I like best. It's taken from the North City Psychological Group:

"Love addiction is a psychological addiction, a result of unfulfilled childhood needs. Children whose needs remain unrecognized may adjust by learning to limit their expectations. This limitation process may take the form of harmful ideas such as, "My needs don't count," "Getting close will hurt" and "I'm not worth loving." Such ideas do not satisfy childhood needs, leaving them still to be met later in life.

 

As adults, addictive lovers remain dependent upon (their lovers) to care for them, protect them and solve their problems. Love addicts are characteristically familiar with desperate hopes and seemingly unending fears. Fearing rejection, fearing pain, fearing unfamiliar experiences, and having no faith in their ability--or even their right--to inspire love, they wait, wish, and hope for love, perhaps their least familiar experience."

One of the main symptoms of Love Addiction is an unrealistically quick process of "falling in love" and an over-estimation of the importance of the relationship given time invested. (For example: 3 months and 2 weeks).

 

Clearly, there's an issue with your self-esteem. But it appears to go only to your perception of your physical appearance and how it affects your ability to find a romantic partner. For instance, you referred to yourself as "fat" and "ugly" (both, by the way, are extremely subjective and clearly comparison-based assessments). However, your self-esteem regarding your overall ability, talents, and intellect seem to be pretty well-established.

 

Also, you write clearly from a "this doesn't feel right" standpoint. This is critical and very telling. You actually self-identify with a much more effective, vibrant, independent and emotionally stable version of yourself. You write as if you are distressed by your current emotional state, and not as if it's "state of being".

 

You even identify yourself as being "lucky" and as knowing you have a lot to live for even though you don't feel like it currently. You have some very negative views regarding your "desirability as a mate", and you've greatly overstated the importance of romantic love as a necessity for happiness and fulfillment in life. A therapist can help you identify and change these negative thoughts patterns and views.

 

You're clearly lovable. If you were truly "unlovable" then none of these guys would have been interested in you. Once again, this is more a negative self-perception and not the reality of your life.

 

You say your friends were part of "the pretty and popular crowd". So, you must have had some "pretty and popular" qualities to be in that circle. Also, this could be moreso your assessment of them based on what you felt you've always lacked deep down (physical appearance and overall likeability). This is classic "projection" in the psychological sense of the word. Basically, you hung out with people whom, to you, possessed the traits you were lacking in yourself. And by being able to identify yourself with that group, you were also able to vicariously claim those attributes for yourself.

 

You have definitely come to base too much of your self-esteem and value as a human being on the people who choose to associate with you. Basically, they validate you, instead of you validating yourself.

 

And as for the man you were with for 1.5 years, and your feelings of hate and loathing towards him, this appears to once again be projection at work and it speaks largely to how you feel about you.

 

This happens often in relationships. Deep down, your self-esteem is low and you feel undeserving of love. Ironically, this self-view works against you in a relationship when someone is actually showing you love. You begin to see your lover as undesirable because (with your unhealthy self-view) only someone equally or more undesirable than you would actually find you desirable. I mean, according to you, the people who are truly desirable are the ones you believe wouldn't want you. Does this make any sense?

 

The first thing you need to do is get yourself to a therapist or psychologist and look at these issues which, clearly stem from your childhood, regarding your view of yourself and the role of romantic relationships.

 

You can and will get better. Believe me.

[DSM-IV Tom]

Yes you are exactly right bean. If you have a personal messaging device such as AIM, I can explain why I am doing exactly what I am doing. I'd prefer not to say it out loud because it will defeat the purpose of it.

 

I am well aware of how a psychologist diagnoses disorders. Well aware. As I said, feel free to list a means at which I can get in touch with you. It will make sense immediately after talking.

[lkjh]

May I ask what kind of relationship you have with your father?

[EmperorR]

you need to stop saying your ugly and putting yourself down, never ever think your not good enough for anybody trust me.

[alwayssme]

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this.

 

Althout I think everyone feels crushed when they have been left...I do believe your case is more than it should be and I would highly suggest you see a therapist.

 

 

I can understand feeling devastated when someone you love leaves, but two week relationship (i am not judging you at all, if thats how it sounds..i care and want you to be happy because i know how much it hurts)

 

 

You mentioned you went to the hospital for this and everything i read about what you went through truly is heartbreaking. I understand being in ALOT of pain when you lose the one you love, but it sounds like you suffered alot.

 

 

Please, for yourself, see a therapist and work through your problems. For your happiness...I had to learn it the hard way that you need to be OKAY with being by yourself. Basing your happiness in someone else will only do you harm. Best wishes & good luck! I hope you feel better!

[hereandnow]

I agree with everyone on here that seeing a psychologist or therapist would be beneficial.

 

I feel comfortable recommending Co-Dependents Anonymous as well. It is a 12 step group that focuses on, what else, codependency in relationships. They have a website that can direct you to meetings near you. I just checked and they do have meetings in Australia.

[SarahT111]

Thank you all so much for replying!

 

I was so surprised I got 9 replies!! And they were all great so thankyou so much!!

I know I need to get some help as its not at all healthy getting so low over relationships at all!!

I HATE it so much, I just wish so much I wasn't so sensitive and could just snap out of it!

I have so many friends who can bounce back so easily from relationship failures!

No one is like me and ends up a suicidal mess after getting dumped!!!

Why am I so sensitive?!

 

I had a goodchild hood, my parents are still together but one thing that I guess I never got was any affection.

My parents are quite staunch, they NEVER show ANY affection towards one another or their children.

If my mum ever even so much as touched my dad he would run a mile so maybe thats what I was missing?

I never had any hugs or affection shown towards me when I was young.

Maybe this is why I crave love and attention?

 

Interesting you also asked my relationship with my father, infact its very bad

We hardly talk these days

I hate it so much as does he but we just dont get along

 

I know you say the reason my relationships fail is due to this lack of self esteem but you would never guess how much im suffering when im in realtionships.

I NEVER show it. Infact if you meet me today you would think I was one of the happiest people out there. But deep down im misrable.

When im with someone I am so happy, I do everything right, I dont get cllingy etc and I just cant work out why they keep failing and guys KEEP leaving me for someone else.

 

When I think back in all reality I stopped loving my first love but stayed in the relationship unhappy.

When he dumped me eventually I was so shattered, like I mentioned in my above post. I couldnt eat or sleep, my heart was wrenched out. I was physically sick due to pain. In and out of hospital and just wanted to take my own life.

But in reality, if I stopped loving him why would I feel this way?

 

Same with my last realtionship.

He treated me like crap, had an affair with another male, and then dumped me.

Again why would I be SO shattered and suicidal over him?

 

Maybe if I dated someone who loved me and treated me like a princess THEN I could understand my emotions but this never happened.

 

Maybe my problem isn't with my exs themselfs.

When I date them maybe they shield me from some hidden pain or issues then when they dump me these hidden pains or issues come rushing back?

 

Just a thought, let me know if im on the right track!

Sorry if this makes no sense whatsoever!!!!

[hereandnow]

Yeah, it makes sense, and as far as being on the right track goes, you can't really be on the wrong track when it comes to sharing your feelings with people. I know it helps me a lot to throw my stuff out there and air it out. Relationships do fail though, ain't that a b****! They fail sometimes regardless of how "perfect" we were in them. I suppose we weren't meant to be with these people. But d***it why couldn't they see that we would be great together for the rest of our lives! Sometimes that thought runs through my mind. But, well, for right now at least that's not what they think.

 

It's a crying shame that our former significant others have to get in the way of us having a successful and fulfilling relationship with them!

 

I'll be up all night here in the land of the free so if you want to keep posting, I'll respond.