Dmoney28 Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 I posted here before, so i guess i will do it again. For those of you not familiar with my story, i cheated. It was a 3.5 year relationship....ended in around august of this year. We like all couples had problems. But it was me who made the choice. I took full responisibility. It was the biggest mistake of my life. I have seen a psychologist twice a month, attended group counselling, attended church services 3 times a week. I read several books "the 5 languages of love".."the 5 languages of apology". I have made leeps and bounds regarding myself as a person. I feel quite proud of my progress. I assured her my behaviour wasnt her fault. I have apoliged and express true remorse through out the months. I gave her back all the expensive items we purchased through out the relationship. I went as far as posting on her favorite online message board monthly about how she is such a unique and speacial person...i included pics of places we shared speacial moments at. She says she loves it, and looks forward to reading the next one. We talk like were still best friends. She tells me things thats she dosent even tell her family. Some things i wish she wouldnt tell me...too much info, lol. I told her if she needed anything just let me know. Now i understand i dont deserve a second chance. The amount of hurt and pain this causes is tragic. Her trust was shattered We have been in contact through this whole ordeal. We talked, addressed many things. It kind of help to talk with each other. We both went through the intial 5 stages of grief together. Sat through a lot of angry and tearful conversations...i mostly listened. I wanted her to get all of the hurt out. If she needed me to take the tongue lashes, i had no problem with that. I loved her, and it took this painfull exprerience to wake up. I try to see things from her prespective regarding my actions. It took me awhile to get over the shame and guilt. But i am doing much better in that department. My problem is this....i have no idea were to go from this point. Every time we talk, she gets upset if i mention whats going to happen when we both move on. She txt last night asking if i posted another message for her... her> did you post today online? me>nope her>good, just checking me>why? her> im just sitting here listening to favorite song....sigh i went to check the board...someone my same age and location posted "i see now we were never meant to be, i love you, but i want to move on. I hope you find the bestfriend and lover you deserve" she has seen my progress, and says she is so happy that i am doing so well. im not sure whats going on with her though. The intial breakup "fog" has past i guess..its been 4 months. She looks at my myspace page regurlary. She freaked out when i told her 2 weeks ago, i needed time to get over this relationship and we shouldnt talk. But when i ask her if she will ever forgive me, she tells me "i trying , im will forgive you at some point...please stop forcing me to make this situation better". The last time we spoke, she mentioned her grandmother had asked her mom about me, if we reconciled..she said it made her smile...but her mother replied..HELL NO. I just so confused on what to do at this point. She has hesitanly declined to meet and talk. She keeps tip toeing when i ask about working on a friendship. Its like she dosent want to let go....and she dosent want to completely move on. Any advice would be great. I dont expect reconciliation...and this point all the emotional ups and downs are me crazy. Some days i feel empty and hollow, some days i miss her like crazy. I never had a breakup like this. I have no idead what to do, our should i just move on. We both admitted this was the first time we had a relationship were we both were friends and lovers....am i being to impatient after 4 months?
DSM-IV Tom Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 This is rather simple, yet has been overcomplicated within your mind due to what you feel you should be at this point, and who you feel you are, in relation to progress you've made. In english, basically, you need to just do this: Tell her you made a mistake and you have used it to change and you could never make that mistake again. Then tell her you love her deeply from the bottom of your heart and that she is and always will be the best thing to ever happen to you Then tell her that it's just too painful to talk, and you can't talk as just friends. You only see her as your lover, and not talking as a lover is too painful. Then tell her to contact you whenever she is ready to try again. Then cut her off. 100%. 100%. 100%. You understand 100% NC. Time to enforce it. If you DON'T want to get back together with her, and rather just have her forgive you, then the best thing you can do is NC. Just like above. She can't forgive you when she's constantly talking to you. She just can't. It doesn't work that way, ever.
dns502475 Posted December 17, 2008 Posted December 17, 2008 From what I gathered in your post, your relationship was relatively solid overall (I mean, we assume that a 3.5 year relationship comes with a lot of good as well as some cracks in the foundation that need addressing). But it sounds like this instance of cheating was simply a one-time event of you giving into the physical temptation of being with another woman. Not that it makes it right, of course. But it doesn't sound like you were carrying on an affair, or that you have been habitually cheating. If that's the case, then...if you've been an overall great guy, friend and support to her throughout the 3.5 years, then why don't you deserve a second chance? You're allowing yourself to be overwhelmed with guilt and this is helping no one, especially her. If you can see past the guilt and be honest with yourself, you'll probably admit that you weren't that happy in the relationship at the time you cheated. Now, this doesn't justify what happened. But you can't change the past and you've clearly taken several, sincere measures to grow as a person and evolve as a man. You made a mistake. And yes, it's a biggie. But, three and a half years should stand for something, Dmoney. Because, let me tell you...you don't make it through 20, 30, 40, 50, 60 years of sharing a life with someone without A FEW RELATIONSHIP ENDING EVENTS taking place. You've sincerely apologized, you've worked hard on yourself, and you've worked equally as hard to show her this. If she isn't willing to forgive you just once, then you two absolutely were NOT going to make it anyway. And quite frankly, IF (and I reiterate IF that is what's taking place here), then that's someone who is not truly in love with YOU in the first place. They are in love with an IMAGE or an IDEAL and as long as you fit it, then everything is fine. But the minute you put too large a crack in that image, then they just don't "see you the same way anymore". I would suggest that you ask her to join you in a therapy session or ask her would she be willing to go to couples counseling even. I'm NOT saying that she should have just turned a blind eye to the whole thing, or that what you did wasn't a big deal. I'm just saying that there comes a point where a person has gotten "their pound of flesh" for the offense. At this point, you have to stand up for yourself and tell her the following: "Yes, I made a terrible, awful mistake. And I wish with everything in me that I could turn back the clock and tell that idiot to make a different decision. But I can't. All I can do is make sure that something like that NEVER happens again. I love you with all of my heart, and I don't feel badly just because you found out. I feel badly because of how it made you feel. I'm hurt because of how much it hurt you. Only God is capable of dispensing perfect love. And while I can freely admit that my love isn't perfect, it is, without a doubt, the very best of me that I have to offer to anyone. And that love has ALWAYS been yours and yours alone. I am truly, deeply sorry for what I did. And I am so deeply & painfully aware of what that has cost me. You have no idea how much I regret it. But, I've done all I can do to show you how I truly feel for you, and to make sure you know that it would never happen again. And I understand that that might not be good enough. And if it isn't, then I'll just have to accept that and live with it. If you decide that you are willing to forgive me and to work on rebuilding the trust that I grossly violated, then you know that I will be more than willing to talk. I won't just meet you halfway on this. I know I have to come WAY more than halfway on this one. However, please understand that I've forgiven myself because I've worked hard and sincerely repented. And I know my heart on the matter. Despite my mistakes and flaws, I'm a d--- good man. I can't subject myself to further punishment. I've paid my price and learned my lesson. I've lost plenty as the result of a one night mistake. And if too much damage was done by this incident on my part, then I understand, and it's simply time for me to move on. Out of respect for the anger and pain I caused you, I won't be in contact any further." And you leave it at that.
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