Kallua Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 Hello there, this is a long one... I will try not to bore you with details but, just an overview of my relationship first. I'm 27 years old and been with my boyfriend, who is 37, for the past two years. We've been going long distance for the first year and now, have moved in with him for the past year. My boyfriend and I overall have a good relationship; We have great chemistry; he makes me laugh, easy to be around..etc. He seems like the perfect bf, he cooks, cleans and picks up after himself, basically because he arrives home from work at 3pm (he's a teacher). All of that turns sour in a course of an argument, he would make me feel guilty that I don't do as much around the house after I come home at 7 pm. I do the best that I can around the house, I do most of the cleaning on the week-ends. He accuses me of not appreciating him enough. He's menacing when he talks to me. If I have a long face after a long commute home from work, that will start an argument. He would say something like "Look at the "attitude" on your face, I don't deserve it, I cooked for you....blablabla" and most of the time he's right, he doesn't deserve that I take out my bad day on him...but his anger gets overbearing sometimes and say "If your behavior continues, you know that I can become a p***k and make life miserable" and I would ask if that was a threat, he would state that it's a promise. The thing is I've lived in an abusive, distructive relationship for over 8 years of my life and at my age, should notice the signs or flags that let me know I'm in one again. I'd like to think that my relationship with my boyfriend is loving and will stand the test of time but to tell you the truth, his anger really scares me and feel unsettled about the whole thing. Please help me, I'm really confused! Thank you
Benique Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 He is acting a bit immature . All you need to do is to sit down with him , look into his eyes and tell him that it disturbs you what kind of attitude he has when arguing with you , tell him that you do not make him feel guilty for all you do , and you also do something,right ? not only him doing something at home ... talk to him and makie things clear .Discuss all you wanna to.
Touche Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 No. This relationship will not stand the test of time. I only had to base that on this one statement: "If your behavior continues, you know that I can become a p***k and make life miserable" He already sounds like a p***k. Does he usually talk to you like a child? What's his past history with women? What about with his mother? I can't say, based on what you wrote, whether he's an abuser but surely if he is, this is exactly how it starts out. I was also in an abusive relationship and it started with that kind of talk. Please follow your instincts. This, in my opinion, has nowhere to go but down. I'm serious. If he's talking to you like this now, it will only escalate. He's a controlling a-hole from the sound of it.
Geishawhelk Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 ........The thing is I've lived in an abusive, distructive relationship for over 8 years of my life and at my age, should notice the signs or flags that let me know I'm in one again. *flap!* *flap flap!!* *This way out* Flags and signs enough...? I'd like to think that my relationship with my boyfriend is loving and will stand the test of time but to tell you the truth, his anger really scares me and feel unsettled about the whole thing. You're flapping away and 'signing' for yourself, whaddya need us for!? Please help me, I'm really confused! Don't think 'confused' is the right word. I think the word is.... "I'm really reluctant to admit to myself that the whole damn show is being repeated!" Get Out Now. And find out why you keep following a pattern. Get out Now. Oh, and in case you didn't hear me.... Get Out Now. "
Author Kallua Posted December 16, 2008 Author Posted December 16, 2008 Geisha, The 8 years of abuse was with my step father when I was just a child/pre-teen It wasn't my choice. I've resolved that through therapy... But thanks for the advice
JackJack Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 I agree with what some of the others have said. I'll add, that he will only treat you this way as long as you let it continue. I didn't say you caused it, I'm saying, if someone is doing something we don't like, how we react to that plays an important role in wheather or not it continues. Talk with him about all of this, if he doesn't stop after he knows how you feel, then it might be best to be the bigger person and end it if nothing changes.
crazy4you Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 If you want a different view on this... think of it this way. Probably what's happening is he's having bad days at work or something. I know what it's like to have a crappy day and then the second I go out with my gf (who I love seeing because she makes me happy) she's got bad news or something to make me stress out over. Now granted... I wouldn't yell at her and make her feel like crap over that but sometimes it gets frustrating, so I can understand where he's coming from. It's the old do onto others thing... smile at him and make things joyful and maybe he'll do the same. If he doesn't, it's a sign of abuse to come...so take that for what you will.
Geishawhelk Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 Geisha, The 8 years of abuse was with my step father when I was just a child/pre-teen It wasn't my choice. I've resolved that through therapy... But thanks for the advice Pardon me, but the "who" it was is irrelevant. The fact that you recognise they signals is enough. Nobody ever suggested or intimated that your previous experiences were a choice. But you know the danger signals, because of that experience. What you are going through now, IS a choice. If you received therapy and resolved those issues, I truly am glad for you, and embrace your success, for that. But I still stand by my original advice. Get Out Now.
melodymatters Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 No. This relationship will not stand the test of time. I only had to base that on this one statement: He already sounds like a p***k. Does he usually talk to you like a child? What's his past history with women? What about with his mother? I can't say, based on what you wrote, whether he's an abuser but surely if he is, this is exactly how it starts out. I was also in an abusive relationship and it started with that kind of talk. Please follow your instincts. This, in my opinion, has nowhere to go but down. I'm serious. If he's talking to you like this now, it will only escalate. He's a controlling a-hole from the sound of it. Exactamundo ! I too, have been there done that, and heard ( and experienced) similar threats. Either you have a loooong heart to heart talk, and he realizes that this is an UNACCEPTABLE way to speak to someone he loves, or I'm sorry, I agree you should leave.
TheRock Posted December 25, 2008 Posted December 25, 2008 How often do you come home with a long-face or puss on your face? If it's frequent, or you've been taking him for granted, then I would say he is hinting to you that he is tired of it. If you come home once in a great while like that, then he is the one with the problem.
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