husband had affair doesn't want sex with me

[itspersonal]

Dear Taylor,

 

I feel like today is a day from hell. This pain is so great that I don't think that I know what to do with myself,,,he is punishing me for last nights outburst so seeing that he is out of town he just ignores me. I don't think I can do this. I don't know how to do this. It is so much bigger then me. Just when I think I am strong and can live without this crap,,,I panic and fall back into the depths of hell. WHY WHY did he do this terrible thing to us. Why is this happening to my life? I am a good person,,,I am kind and loving and yes I have false but dear God I didn't deserve to be tortured like this. I don't know what is happening and I am so confused. Is there any chance ? I don't think there is,,,he is angry at ME,,,he is DEPRESSED,,,he is DISTANT,,,he is not my guy anymore. That is the worst of it,,,I am not his girl,,,I have lost my specialness and no one can give that back to me. What does this all mean? It is almost Christmas and I wish I wasn't here to see it. It is a memory that I will never be able to put out of my day! I did go to the dr. I got on antidepressants and I feel like death is easier. I know that he isn't worth that,,,,but escaping from this agonizing pain is. But for today I will go and do what I need to to make Christmas the occassion my children deserve. I write too,,,and I read. I just can't seem to find any sense of peace. NONE,,I wish someone could help me...one day I want to die, the next I want to go to the hospital, the next I am strong and I want a divorce, the next I am terrified and confused,,what is this hell? I want out that is all I want,,,I want out from the pain, confusion and intense anxiety I feel that someone I loved so deeply did this. Maybe he wishes I was dead too so that he didn't have to deal with me and the problem. Maybe then he could do whatever it is he wanted and that would be that. I don't want to hear about but he isn't worth it,,,it isn't him,,,it is the PAIN I feel. I am shattered...he was my guy and he was the man I was loving forever. Growing old with,,,my future was him. I don't know how to redefine that....does that make sense? I wish I knew what to do to make all this go away,,,it is so giant and so horrible. How could someone love you and do this? Please tell me? I thought we were a team,,,a real team. I thought I was the one,,,the special one in his world. I have been a mother and wife for 23 years and I no nothing else and I failed,,,I didn't even make my husband happy,,,It is as though you did a job for years and years and the whole time the bosses made you believe you were ideal and did it the best of anyone and then one day they all started laughing at you and telling you that they lied to you,,,weren't happy with your performance and that you werer a miserable failure in everything that you believed you achieved and then fired you ,,,,that is how it feels to a housewife who gave her life to her family! The humilation of being tricked and lied to ,,,the failure of all that you believed you did right and the shock and total panic at realizing you have nothing else you did so in reality nothing you have done was good in life! How could he do this? He hates me,,,I feel it,,,he went from six months ago loving me and travelling with me to hating me,,,I disqust him if I cry and am soft and I anger him If I am angry and I don't have a middle ground right now. Its all useless,,,Maybe I need to give up and tell him to move out,,,I think that is what he wants anyway! Maybe I am worthless,,,,God I have never felt such intense pain,,,,he was MY GUY

[Athena]

oh dear Itspersonal, you are suffering tremendously. Do you know that the agony you feel is because of the way you are looking at it all?

And -- I don't blame you, in fact, that is Exactly how I felt when my H cheated on me, so I recognize what you are saying.

 

It's just that it doesn't help you to torment yourself with these thoughts that you, somehow, have failed. That you have lost your specialness, that you haven't kept your H happy.

 

You have to stop doing that to yourself. You (naturally) feel the need to obsess about it all but it makes you focus on him and the effects of what he chose to do, and it is all very negative.

 

So focus on yourself. If you can, try get some part-time work or a hobby that interests you. Set up a game night with a bunch of girl friends on a regular basis. Go to the gym and take some aerobic classes. Anything on a daily basis to temporarily stop thinking of him.

 

I can tell you that you are headed for a major melt-down (been there, done that) and it is not worth it.

 

Pull yourself up, ask friends for help to distract you. Do anything else but wonder how YOU CAN FIX IT. It's for him to fix him.

[itspersonal]

I know all this is so true,,,I am heading for a major meltdown and it is terrifying me as I always considered myself so strong. I am lost! I have no motivation to do anything but I am trying to focus on finishing xmas for the kids and that is important,,,,,after the first of the year maybe I will be able to do a little better here in getting involved. I know I shouldn't be focusing on him,,,I know it in every bit of my being and I know it is his job to fix him but what if he doesn't? What if I end up 50 and alone? What if he rejects me forever??? I am just so overwhelmed with grief I don't know which way to go but for today,,,I will put one foot in front of the other,,,today I will give what i have,,,,today I won't ask him to love me or if he does or ask him to make love to me or any of those things,,,today I will focus on Christmas.

[itspersonal]

OP, sorry. I know exactly what you are going through. I went throught it myself not long ago. Question is, are you strong enough and determined enough to come out of this ? I mean dont take the easy way out. Dont make any major decisions.

 

I suggest hang around here. Read the responses on this thread..esp from taylor, robert and others. There is some great advice here. As much difficult it is to follow some of this, it is actually working for me ! So there is hope. It is a very slow and painful process.

 

Remember, at this point, he is incapable of giving but can accept. (I know it hurts me to say that as i am typing this - how in the world people can be so selfish

 

I feel like it is so wrong that I have to give here,,,I don't understand,,,but a friend told me that it is like dealing with a child,,,emotion shuts them down and to build a foundation I must first let go of the old to let the new enter and if that means giving,,,well I would give to new wouldn't I? It is so hard to be humble yet I am defeated all at the same time. I will keep reading it is saving my life right now,,,thankyou,,I don't know if I am strong enough to withstand this,,,I don't want to take the easy way out and I don't want to make major decisions but that damn pendulum is swinging so far to left and right that I can't seem to control myself,,I will work on it! Is your marriage still intacted? How long has it been for you? Can a marriage really survive this and thrive? Can it be better different,,,I hate change,,,I hate what he has done to our family and I wonder, :why do I still love him? Will I give up or keep loving him? These are all things that prey on me. I will go today and do Christmas,,,that may help

 

Thank you

[carhill]

OP, I have little to add to the excellent support you've received, but will offer the following, a couple of tidbits from our year in MC and a wise friend whom I respect...

 

If you were in love and compatible at the beginning, you can re-discover and renew that dynamic in a completely different and contemporary way. It's almost like getting married again. You both are different people now but can still share a common bond and interdependence. Redefine your relationship. Let go of history.

 

Best wishes!

[2sure]

Your posts brought back to me my own thoughts, my own feelings, and in fact my very own words: I don't know how to do this.

I said those words so often to myself during my husband's infidelity and betrayal.

 

In fact, I have said those words at the beginning of every one of my life's tragedies.

 

And I am here to tell the tale. And I'm OK. In fact, most of the time, I'm very good.

 

I wish more than any other poster here - that I could invite you to my home and sit you down, give you a glass of wine , cry with you, & give you a hug. I know that if I could do that, knowing that I have been where you are and seeing me today - you would also have hope.

 

I don't know how to do this.

 

No, but you will figure it out.

[itspersonal]

thank you 2sure,,,I wish all of you lived in phoenix near me so that I could be held up because I am doing a really poor job of doing it myself which is not me at all. This one got me,,,this one knocked me to my knees,,I have walked through suicides and deaths and losses and pain and this one has destroyed me in every way! I dont get it and I thank you for continued support,,,,it is my lifeline right now.

[taylor]

I then came home so angry and called my hubby and got so mad at him.I just went on and on and pushed him even further away! I feel like there are miles between us really and I don't know how to change that!

 

You are entitled to feel anger and to express it. He needs to hear it. He may not like what you have to say but he needs to know how his actions affected you and your marriage. He needs to "see" and "feel" the damage. It's the only way he is going to "get it." And once he does, THEN he will be able to focus on fixing the damage he caused.

 

[i realize now that i feel like I failed in what i worked so hard at doing,,,making a happy home!

 

OMG, YOU DID NOT FAIL!!!! Your husband is in the midst of a mid-life crisis. He is not happy with who he is. There is nothing you can or could have done to change WHO he is. You could give your husband a million dollars and he could go live at Disneyland and he would still be unhappy because his unhappiness is coming from inside him...not anything external.

 

He is spending alot of time and energy running away from who he is. He is taking every escape route to run from the reality of who he is..the OW and now the California surf. The problem is no matter how far or fast he runs, he takes himself with him. He can't escape himself. Sooner or later he will realize he needs to make internal changes within himself to find happiness, not external changes. You can't do this for him.

 

I have a terrible feeling that he is going to leave after the holidays as he has said over and over that he will not deal with anger. What control.

 

If he leaves after the holidays, it's because he is still running from himself. He doesn't want to face reality. It's too bad he doesn't want to deal with the anger. He needs to take it like a man. He's the cause of it. He needs to hear it. He needs to accept and validate your feelings and his part in making you feel this way. Otherwise, he is taking no responsibility in the demise of your marriage or the onslaught caused by the affair.

 

I am not good at hiding my feelings

 

Don't repress your feelings. That's the worst thing you can do. It is emotionally damaging to you and does your marriage no good. But, channel your feelings. USE them to provoke change.

 

the pendulum is swinging one way or the other and no middle ground,,,I hate you, I love you etc. I am making us both crazy. I am in fight or flight right now and feel like I should just run out the door to avoid this dark hole we are in.

 

This is the emotional rollercoaster ride from hell. Hang on tight. The more you and your husband communicate and the farther removed you get from the affair, the slower the pendulum will swing. There will be a leveling effect with time in which your heads will clear and you will be able to think and act using your brain rather than pure, adrenaline-charged emotions.

 

I don't know which end is up.

 

That's the loop-d-loop on the emotional roller coaster.

 

Who is this man, where am I and what world did they drop me in? This man who adored me for so long doesn't even want to tell me he loves me. I think I have already lost him and I feel like he has lost me.

 

Your husband is driving the car and he has no direction. He is lost and you are lost because you are in the car with him. So what do you do?

 

You can drive off the cliff or you can ask for directions.

 

does he care about her

 

She was an escape from reality. If you really want to know and you have the courage, set him free and see where he lands. My bet is it won't be with her.

 

Will I live through the loss of my marriage and be a better person for it?

 

You will live regardless of whether you lose your marriage or not. You will be a stronger, wiser, happier person if you follow the serenity prayer..to accept what you can't change, change what you can, and know the difference between the two.

 

((HUGS))

[itspersonal]

carhill,

 

thanks for that! I need to see some positive today! redefining is very scary for me and I am so sad at the loss of what I thought was. Maybe we will be better for it all but I would have rather not. Your positive outlook is appreciated and I hope for that outcome

[itspersonal]

Taylor,

 

You are so supportive and helpful and I am so grateful to you for continuing to help me. I am suppose to have xmas eve here at my house,,,my husband says do it if you want to and don't cancel it for me,,i am ok with it. I feel like he has always hated it and resented it and i am so tired but it is our tradition,,,I dont know what to do,,, it is for the kids mostly and it is something they all look forward to. I am so lost I cant even decide that,,,it is awful!

[taylor]

Itspersonal,

 

First, I am sorry my quotes got a little messed up in my last post. Tried to fix them but wasn't able to.

 

Also, I just read your last few posts. Just a few comments to add:

 

Baby steps. Take little tiny baby steps. You have been thrown into the fires of hell. There is a way out. You will find it. But it will take time and effort. And in the meantime, you are going to feel the flames at your heels and the smoke is going to make you feel like you are suffocating at times.

 

Do not give up. Steel is strong and it is forged from molten metal in seething flames at unbearable temperatures. You will come out of this a stronger, wiser person.

 

There is no one that can take this pain from you. You have to walk through it to get through it. There is no going around it. There is no magic formula. There is no one thing that will take the pain away. The best you can do is to find ways to cope with the pain...family support, friends, distractions, activities, reflection, medication, prayer. They all have healing powers. Time will take care of the rest.

 

What you don't want to do is turn inward. Stop blaming yourself for the situation your husband put you in. You did not fail in any way. You gave him a happy home. You devoted your life to him and his happiness.

 

You did not fail him. He failed you! You are going to destroy all that is good about you if you don't start realizing and understanding this.

 

Let me repeat: He failed you!!!

 

Your husband has a problem inside of him that only he can fix. Kind of like an alcoholic, only different. You didn't cause this problem and you can't fix it for him.

 

You are a casualty..a victim...of your husband's problem. Kind of like the kid that gets shot in the crossfire between two gang members because of his close proximity to the battle.

 

You didn't deserve this. It isn't fair. Nonetheless , it is your reality.

 

So what are you going to do about it?

 

Take care of yourself. Take care of your children. Be "soft" on you. Pamper yourself. Take care of your needs...eat, sleep, cry, seek support.

 

Be hard on him. He needs to own his mistake. He needs to see what devastation he has brought upon his family. He needs to be held accountable for his actions. Anger is a far better emotion for him to see than tears. It will wake him up.

 

And if you really can't take it...his indifference, his unkind words, his lack of committment...throw him out. Hopefully he will land on his head and it will knock some sense into him.

 

If having him in the house is causing you to suffer more, out he goes. You need time to heal. And if you are headed for a meltdown...a hospitalization...or if you are having any suicidal thoughts...all the more reason to kick his a$$ out and seek the professional help you need.

 

Sometimes removing the source of pain is the first step in healing the pain.

 

Breath....You are running high on pure adrenaline. Exercise..walk, run, get in a class. It will boost your endorphins (feel good hormones) and help you to relax..calm down.

 

Have faith in MC and IC. You can continue counseling whether your husband remains in the house or not. The love you think is lost may not be lost, but buried under mounds and mounds of crap. Counseling will give you and your husband the big shovels, pitch forks, dozers, etch to unearth that love. There is no way you can be married to someone for over two decades, and with such devotion, to wake up one morning and find the love just disappeared. It's there. It's hiding. Take your husband by the hand and go find it..again.

 

Keep posting. ((HUGS))...again.

[jwi71]

OP-

 

Self-righteous anger will not serve you well. I do understand it. I 100% empathize with you because I am you. My wife decided it would be a good idea to bang her boss. Great for her - not so much for me or our two children.

 

Every word, every emotion, every thought and every tear I too have known.

 

I had those days. I had those nights. Reading those last posts of yours compelled me to post.

 

1) Not alone. Been there, done that.

2) It DOES get better. But it takes work and effort (more on this below)

3) It NEVER completely goes away

4) You WILL BE HAPPY AGAIN

5) The M can survive

 

Based on your posts, the actions you have taken, and the time that has passed I presume you want this M to survive.

 

IS that what YOU want?

[taylor]

Itspersonal,

 

By all means, have your Christmas Eve celebration. Do it for you..for your children..for your extended family and friends.

 

You need this...a sense of tradition, familiarity, family. It will keep you busy doing things that are meaningful to you and allow you to focus on good, positive, happy things. It can be a magical time. It can be a saving grace to you, especially this year.

[taylor]

jwi71,

 

I don't think this OP has a self-righteous bone in her body. She is heaping undue amounts of blame on herself for the problems in the marriage and for her husband's affair.

 

I think her anger is born out of grief and loss of the only life she has ever known. She knows she will never have that life back again. She will never look at her husband the same again. It has all been forever changed.

 

I also think the OP is overcome by fear and that is fueling some of the anger. She is afraid of losing her husband..afraid of being alone at 50.

 

IMO, it's grief and fear, more than self-righteousness.

[jwi71]

Taylor-

 

Post 47 is dripping with self-righteous anger. Post 51 to a lesser degree.

 

I interpret statements like -and I paraphrase - "How dare HE be mad at ME" as self-righteous anger.

 

And to the OP - been there, done that. I get it. I completely understand it.

 

Do YOU want to stay married to him?

[RobertLS]

......... sigh, .... sad, very sad.

 

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so yucky, ItsPersonal. My wife and I went through many days with the same pit-of-the-stomach awful feeling that I'm sure you're feeling. Those days were the worst, and it really does feel hopeless. It looks like you've received a lot of good support here, and I don't have much to add in the way of what to do or how to fix things. I remember that dwelling on the way I felt seemed to prolong and worsen the feelings of despair. It's extremely difficult, but if you can find anything to distract you, even if only for a short time, it helps. Music, reading, exercise, friends, anything to get your mind off the hopelessness you feel. Taylor is right-on about the pendulum swings and rollercoaster feelings. Your emotions will be all over the map in the near term. But like she said, they'll eventually even out and things will get better.

 

I printed out your thread through yesterday and took it home to show my wife. I also just spoke with her on the phone and told her how badly you're feeling today. She feels your pain too and wanted to pass something on to you that helped her a lot. I'm not sure what your beliefs in religion are, but she found reading the Bible and marriage books that relied on bible verses to be very helpful and comforting. It may not help everyone, but since it helped her, she wanted me to mention that to you.

 

The only other thing I can think to add is that you should not make any decisions about future with your husband right now. You are overwhelmed with emotions, and I think you should wait until things settle down a bit and you can think more clearly before deciding things such as asking your husband to leave. Like the other posters have said, focus on healing yourself. Don't worry about your husband; he has his own healing process to go through. Rely on counseling to help both of you with this. You are living through a MONSTROUS hit to your marriage, and you must go through the grieving process. You can't short-change it. You will get through it, and like Taylor said, you'll come out stronger in the end. Also, keep posting here. I think venting your emotions will actually help you get through this faster.

 

Everybody on here is very concerned for you. Hang in there. You WILL get better!!

[RobertLS]

One more thing I wanted to add after re-reading some of your posts. Thinking about what may happen in the future can drive you crazy. The what-if's: what if he leaves after the holidays, what if we never recover from this, what if I'm not able to love him again, what if I end up 50 and alone, .... all those kinds of things will pull you into a vortex of emotions that'll just drag you down. Think what Taylor said about taking baby steps. Instead of trying to see the whole picture, just focus on today. What are you going to do today? Make it through today, .... and then take care of tomorrow, ... tomorrow. And then the next day. Baby steps, keep taking those baby steps. You WILL pull yourself out of this.

[itspersonal]

There is no self righteous anger here just despair and fear and loss and grief and lack of understanding. I am a sinking ship and I feel anger when I feel afraid because I am so terrified....I have NEVER been alone,,,I have NEVER been hurt like this and I have always felt safe in my world...now I am terrified,,,,,truly,,,I always considered myself so strong and I am so weak right now. I went out today with a friend,,,I am working out at the gym,,,walking as much as I can muster...I am not living in today as much as I try and I am trying,,,I am so afraid that when it is mentioned that I cannot control tomorrow or next year when it comes to my marriage I get a rush of anxiety that is almost unbearable...I never had to worry about tomorrow,,,I thought I had it going on...just like the day we got married and I said forever and always,,,sickness and health,,,I believed those words,,I really did and have all these years and now I find out he didn't. He says that he loves me and is in it to make it work but if for whatever reason it doesn't his biggest fear is that he will be an enemy to me and he can't bear that. he told me this today! I asked him,,, r u staying so that you won't be my enemy and he said he is trying because he loves me,,,he loves me but he did this,,,how can that be? I am here to forgive and I am not walking out ,,,I just don't understand,,,I just don't understand...! I know it is both of us that are responsible for the breakdown of our marriage but I didn't make his choices. I want so bad to go back,,,I know I can't but I miss us so much. He says he wants me to not hurt anymore but I can't help the hurt,,,It is all over me know matter how hard I try to dump it. I still laugh,,,I still cry so I am feeling at least! I don't want us to be different and I don't want our marriage to have this lasting memory and I can't do a thing about it...It is done,,,the deed is done and I am so very sad! I know he is broken and he broke me too! I feel like my white knight has fallen off his horse and he took me with him. I want to get back on and I dont' know how,,,,I want us back! I liked us so I am very afraid of what us means now. Or what it will mean in the future. I am angry that the OW is having a happy little marriage because her hubby doesn't know and I am dying in my own skin here. But I would never tell him and cause another such pain,,,never. I am a good person and I don't want this in my life,,,I really don't know what else to say except all of you are so wonderful and I will just keep writing until I can't write any more. Thank you for caring,,,I don't right now,,,at least not about myself so to have total strangers reach out to me over and over is an amazing feeling,,,I am afraid I have given up on me,,,it hurts to much to feel and I don't know if I can tolerate it,,,and believe me I have felt a lot of pain in my life but nothing and I mean nothing like this. So he is on his way home from a business trip and he will be here soon. I am going to go and get dinner ready and do the usual just to have some order or something that resembles my life in past years. God if you are out there,,,,help me now! I don't know victim mentality that I am in,,,,I am the one helping others and now I am wasted,,,a waste of my former self,,,maybe tomorrow will be better....every day I say that and one of these days maybe it will happen,,,,,thanks all of you I take your suggestions to heart and I read them over and over,,,all of your posts,,,thank you ,,,,,,,,,if my spirit dies I am afraid I will lose me and this helps my spirit survive,,,what is this terrible pain dear lord,,,I have never.,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,and YES i want my marriage to work,,,I just don't know how anymore,,,I gave it all I had and more and it didn't work so maybe well I don't know,,,I do know he is broke too and he has to fix him but I want assurance that he will and I can't have that,,,never in my wildest dreams did I think I would ever have to worry about my marriage ever,,,never,,,,

[RobertLS]

ItsPersonal, I'm really sad for you. I feel such hopelessness and despair from your post. I'm sitting on my bed, reading your post, and my wife is on the bed next to me, reading the other posts from your thread today. We're both very concerned for you. My wife read some of what you wrote and she said, "I wish I could call her (you), I know exactly how she feels. I felt exactly the same way." All I can say, ItsPersonal, is to hang in there. Don't let your ship sink. The hurt is unimaginable, and you're experiencing something you never thought you'd have to. It's a huge shock. Keep up the exercise. That will definitely help. No, you can't control tomorrow or next year. Realize that. Like Taylor said, take a deep breath. Try to make yourself relax. It's really hard, but know that we're here for you, thinking about you, worrying about you, praying for you. If your husband worries about being an enemy to you, and you can truly forgive him, then tell him that. Once my wife understood me, she felt sorry for me and what I went through in the affair. If you can find it in yourself to forgive, you'll heal faster. You wonder how he can love you and at the same time have an affair? He's not perfect. He made a mistake. A very big mistake. If he's truly sorry for what he did, then give it time. It'll take more time than you might want to believe for both of you to heal. I know the feeling of wanting to "go back," to rewind the clock and get back what you once had. You can't. As Carhill said earlier, your marriage as you once knew it is over. You now have to decide whether you and your husband want to rebuild a new marriage. It won't look anything like your old marriage. You may want it to, but it can't. Things have forever changed. You have to come to grips with this fact. Life as you once knew it is over. You didn't have a choice in the matter, but that's how life has happened to you. It's like if you lost a child in a car accident. It would forever affect your life. You have to spend time grieving the tragedy and then pick up the pieces and move on. Again, don't worry about the future. Worry about today, and then tomorrow, and then the next day. The days will come and go, you'll learn to live with your new life, and you'll figure out how to move forward. For now though, simply accept the fact that you're grieving. Absorb the grief. It IS amazing that anonymous people care about you, isn't it? I find that really amazing and encouraging. Don't give up on you. We won't. We'll help you pull through this. You CAN do it. Many others have, and so can you. Your prayer, "God if you are out there,,,,help me now!" I've said that to myself so many times too. I hope something out there comforts you.

 

My wife sends, .... {{{{{{{{{{{lots of hugs}}}}}}}}}}}

[Athena]

Hi Itspersonal,

 

It's human nature to take one step away when someone is pursuing you... therefore FORCE yourself not to chase after your H for love/affection/affirmation/ validation etc... because he simply wont give it to you like you want & need it.

 

Step back and give him some space to breathe, to think, to regret, to express remorse, to figure things out.

He will come back to you... but you have gotta pull back and stop looking desperate to him. I know how desperate you feel, but you have to stop pursuing him if you don't want him to run away. Only then will he come back after you. That's how we humans work. Trust me.

 

I am not saying be mean to him. I am not saying get angry... I am saying try to pull back and not be like such an open book to him -- it is probably overwhelming to him. He probably feels a lot of 'pressure' from you, and all this mental 'stuff' on top of his mid life crisis plus knowing he failed himself, you, the marriage, the family...

 

If you can get a good friend or three to give you permission to call them when you get angry (like when you came home from having the STD's tests done) then you can call them up and vent. Instead of using him.

I say this because you need to give him the space to miss you. To feel. Instead of running away from you and your anger and your neediness. Your friends will help you in this way.

 

Remember that you will get through this eventually, and one way or the other you will survive -- with OR without him....

 

Do not worry about whether he leaves after Xmas or not (because he can always come back)...

 

Read the book "I Need Your Love -- Is That True?" by Byron Katie

[65tr6]

I feel like it is so wrong that I have to give here,,,I don't understand,,,but a friend told me that it is like dealing with a child,,,emotion shuts them down and to build a foundation I must first let go of the old to let the new enter and if that means giving,,,well I would give to new wouldn't I? It is so hard to be humble yet I am defeated all at the same time. I will keep reading it is saving my life right now,,,thankyou,,I don't know if I am strong enough to withstand this,,,I don't want to take the easy way out and I don't want to make major decisions but that damn pendulum is swinging so far to left and right that I can't seem to control myself,,I will work on it! Is your marriage still intacted? How long has it been for you? Can a marriage really survive this and thrive? Can it be better different,,,I hate change,,,I hate what he has done to our family and I wonder, :why do I still love him? Will I give up or keep loving him? These are all things that prey on me. I will go today and do Christmas,,,that may help

 

Thank you

 

Wow, you are asking great questions....I will try to make it straight and simple for you (let me try anyway)

 

I felt the exact same way about giving and not expecting. I know it feels so WRONG for someone who is betrayed beyond recognition but you know what.....trust the folks here....what you read here and elsewhere...It is working for me. It has been just over months for me but I feel so DIFFERENT from my initial reaction when my wife confessed. LOT of it because I did NOT throw in the towel and also lot of it from making a consious effort by reading and LEARNING from others. There is remarkable similarity between affairs. They all seem to follow similar pattern. It is UPTO you as the BS how you react to it and what plan you have to tackle (still football season right ?) it head on. It is ok to have moments of weakness, but make an effort to find strength, inspire yourself. You can do it.

 

I told my xWW on the d-day that i could not imagine a life without her. Waking up everyday knowing that she is no longer with me was just unimaginable. Fast forward, several weeks, i still want her back but much better prepared than i was back then. I dont know if i am preparing myself for the worst and hoping for the best ?

 

Mind you that on the d-day my wife and I were at extreme ends. I wanted her back, unconditionally and she wanted out. Guess what, we are now moving towards each other. Now, I want her back BUT there are few conditions and she is willing to give it shot to make this work. She is not only remorseful but also realising that she needs to work on herself along the way. Dont you call that progress ??

 

From all indications, you are still in a state of shock. It lasted me a good 5 weeks. Express your feelings by posting here and typing up "do not send emails". Or better direct that anger to something positive. Take up a new hobby. It was very painful for me do it for first time, but when i was back from the workout (actually it was rollerskaing), I thought that was one of the best day in my life. Also you sleep much better.

 

Minimise two things. Relationship talk and insisting your spouse loves you. Wont get you much response.

 

Yes my marriage is still intact. But I have a LONG way to go myself. I have started to invite my wife to participate in extra curricular activities with me. And she said she will be glad to join me. Something which we have NEVER done before.

 

Why do you still love him ? Huh, exact same question I ask myself. How can you love someone who has betrayed and rejected you ? Or rather how LONG can you love someone who has betrayed and rejected you ? I dont know that answer myself yet. Look at this way...forget love for now. Focus on yourself and continue to work with your spouse. And hope that things change down the road.

 

But remember, first, you need to decide if you want to save this marriage or not. I made that decision and stuck to it. I am still glad i did it. Call that my gut reaction. May be because i love my wife so much.

[jwi71]

There is no self righteous anger here just despair and fear and loss and grief and lack of understanding. I am a sinking ship and I feel anger when I feel afraid because I am so terrified....I have NEVER been alone,,,I have NEVER been hurt like this and I have always felt safe in my world...now I am terrified,,,,,truly,,,I always considered myself so strong and I am so weak right now. I went out today with a friend,,,I am working out at the gym,,,walking as much as I can muster...I am not living in today as much as I try and I am trying,,,I am so afraid that when it is mentioned that I cannot control tomorrow or next year when it comes to my marriage I get a rush of anxiety that is almost unbearable...I never had to worry about tomorrow,,,I thought I had it going on...just like the day we got married and I said forever and always,,,sickness and health,,,I believed those words,,I really did and have all these years and now I find out he didn't. He says that he loves me and is in it to make it work but if for whatever reason it doesn't his biggest fear is that he will be an enemy to me and he can't bear that. he told me this today! I asked him,,, r u staying so that you won't be my enemy and he said he is trying because he loves me,,,he loves me but he did this,,,how can that be? I am here to forgive and I am not walking out ,,,I just don't understand,,,I just don't understand...! I know it is both of us that are responsible for the breakdown of our marriage but I didn't make his choices. I want so bad to go back,,,I know I can't but I miss us so much. He says he wants me to not hurt anymore but I can't help the hurt,,,It is all over me know matter how hard I try to dump it. I still laugh,,,I still cry so I am feeling at least! I don't want us to be different and I don't want our marriage to have this lasting memory and I can't do a thing about it...It is done,,,the deed is done and I am so very sad! I know he is broken and he broke me too! I feel like my white knight has fallen off his horse and he took me with him. I want to get back on and I dont' know how,,,,I want us back! I liked us so I am very afraid of what us means now. Or what it will mean in the future. I am angry that the OW is having a happy little marriage because her hubby doesn't know and I am dying in my own skin here. But I would never tell him and cause another such pain,,,never. I am a good person and I don't want this in my life,,,I really don't know what else to say except all of you are so wonderful and I will just keep writing until I can't write any more. Thank you for caring,,,I don't right now,,,at least not about myself so to have total strangers reach out to me over and over is an amazing feeling,,,I am afraid I have given up on me,,,it hurts to much to feel and I don't know if I can tolerate it,,,and believe me I have felt a lot of pain in my life but nothing and I mean nothing like this. So he is on his way home from a business trip and he will be here soon. I am going to go and get dinner ready and do the usual just to have some order or something that resembles my life in past years. God if you are out there,,,,help me now! I don't know victim mentality that I am in,,,,I am the one helping others and now I am wasted,,,a waste of my former self,,,maybe tomorrow will be better....every day I say that and one of these days maybe it will happen,,,,,thanks all of you I take your suggestions to heart and I read them over and over,,,all of your posts,,,thank you ,,,,,,,,,if my spirit dies I am afraid I will lose me and this helps my spirit survive,,,what is this terrible pain dear lord,,,I have never.,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,and YES i want my marriage to work,,,I just don't know how anymore,,,I gave it all I had and more and it didn't work so maybe well I don't know,,,I do know he is broke too and he has to fix him but I want assurance that he will and I can't have that,,,never in my wildest dreams did I think I would ever have to worry about my marriage ever,,,never,,,,

 

I am not sure how you will receive this but I think it will help.

 

Your marriage is DEAD. The old you and him NO LONGER exist. What you once had is gone and will NEVER be the same. NEVER. Stop wanting "us back". Its impossible and its self defeating. The glass once broken cannot be unbroken. Do NOT view the years together as a lie. That is NOT true.

 

You have a NEW marriage. A new view of your H. A new view of your future. This also cannot be changed.

 

Please stop pining for the past. It is causing you nothing but pain and retarding YOUR ability to move forward. Let it go. Face the future.

 

Some questions if I may:

1) What has he done to convince you he wants the marriage to work?

2) What do you get out of being married to him?

3) Why do you think he hasn't filed for divorce?

[taylor]

There is no self righteous anger here just despair and fear and loss and grief and lack of understanding. I am a sinking ship and I feel anger when I feel afraid because I am so terrified....I have NEVER been alone,,,I have NEVER been hurt like this and I have always felt safe in my world...now I am terrified,,,,,truly,,,I always considered myself so strong and I am so weak right now. I went out today with a friend,,,I am working out at the gym,,,walking as much as I can muster...I am not living in today as much as I try and I am trying,,,I am so afraid that when it is mentioned that I cannot control tomorrow or next year when it comes to my marriage I get a rush of anxiety that is almost unbearable...I never had to worry about tomorrow,,,I thought I had it going on...just like the day we got married and I said forever and always,,,sickness and health,,,I believed those words,,I really did and have all these years and now I find out he didn't. He says that he loves me and is in it to make it work but if for whatever reason it doesn't his biggest fear is that he will be an enemy to me and he can't bear that. he told me this today! I asked him,,, r u staying so that you won't be my enemy and he said he is trying because he loves me,,,he loves me but he did this,,,how can that be? I am here to forgive and I am not walking out ,,,I just don't understand,,,I just don't understand...! I know it is both of us that are responsible for the breakdown of our marriage but I didn't make his choices. I want so bad to go back,,,I know I can't but I miss us so much. He says he wants me to not hurt anymore but I can't help the hurt,,,It is all over me know matter how hard I try to dump it. I still laugh,,,I still cry so I am feeling at least! I don't want us to be different and I don't want our marriage to have this lasting memory and I can't do a thing about it...It is done,,,the deed is done and I am so very sad! I know he is broken and he broke me too! I feel like my white knight has fallen off his horse and he took me with him. I want to get back on and I dont' know how,,,,I want us back! I liked us so I am very afraid of what us means now. Or what it will mean in the future. I am angry that the OW is having a happy little marriage because her hubby doesn't know and I am dying in my own skin here. But I would never tell him and cause another such pain,,,never. I am a good person and I don't want this in my life,,,I really don't know what else to say except all of you are so wonderful and I will just keep writing until I can't write any more. Thank you for caring,,,I don't right now,,,at least not about myself so to have total strangers reach out to me over and over is an amazing feeling,,,I am afraid I have given up on me,,,it hurts to much to feel and I don't know if I can tolerate it,,,and believe me I have felt a lot of pain in my life but nothing and I mean nothing like this. So he is on his way home from a business trip and he will be here soon. I am going to go and get dinner ready and do the usual just to have some order or something that resembles my life in past years. God if you are out there,,,,help me now! I don't know victim mentality that I am in,,,,I am the one helping others and now I am wasted,,,a waste of my former self,,,maybe tomorrow will be better....every day I say that and one of these days maybe it will happen,,,,,thanks all of you I take your suggestions to heart and I read them over and over,,,all of your posts,,,thank you ,,,,,,,,,if my spirit dies I am afraid I will lose me and this helps my spirit survive,,,what is this terrible pain dear lord,,,I have never.,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,and YES i want my marriage to work,,,I just don't know how anymore,,,I gave it all I had and more and it didn't work so maybe well I don't know,,,I do know he is broke too and he has to fix him but I want assurance that he will and I can't have that,,,never in my wildest dreams did I think I would ever have to worry about my marriage ever,,,never,,,,

 

This is what grief sounds like.

 

You are mourning the loss of your marriage as it was, the loss of the husband you knew, and the loss of your sense of self. A new year is coming. Don't give up hope that you and your husband can renew your lives and your marriage.

 

Hang in there, itspersonal. Many hugs to you, today.

 

Hope Christmas shopping did you some good. So what's on that menu for Christmas Eve?

 

sidenote: Just a suggestion..you may want to divide your longer posts into smaller paragraphs to make for easier reading.

[taylor]

taylor, i did go through your posts but i didnt see the most recent update, how are things now for you ? The similarity between your case and my wife's is remarkable. I am trying to learn from WS as much as i can

 

65tr6,

 

Sorry I haven't responded sooner. I wanted a chance to read thru your posts. I will respond to this at the end of your very first post, rather than here, so as not to thread-jack.

[RobertLS]

sidenote: Just a suggestion..you may want to divide your longer posts into smaller paragraphs to make for easier reading.

 

Taylor, don't mean to offend because I agree that it would make for easier reading, but in a way, the long, stream-of-conscious, outpouring style that ItsPersonal uses emphasizes the despair she's feeling. If she broke things up into paragraphs, it would show structure in her thinking, logic in her reasoning. What she's going through right now is not at all logical, and her posts show it. Again, I'm not countering your suggestion, just offering an observation of why ItsPersonal may be writing the way she does.