I don't respect husband - dislike him now

[uleryrns]

I'm married to a man who used to be a really decent guy. He used to be fun, easy going, mild mannered, goofy, patient and tolerant and enjoyable to be around. I used to love being with him and we used to have good times together.

 

We have been married for 9 years, together for 10. We have 3 children between us and just got custody of his first son.

 

Over the last 4-5 years, my husband has more and more, become mean, hostile, irritable, moody and someone I honestly can't stand being around. And it's not just me. Some of our friends have noticed this and his oldest son (my step-son, who is 13) notices it and feels this way too.

 

We've had our issues, and have worked through a lot of financial stress...but I know I've lost respect for him and I've gotten to the point where I don't even want to be around him. I don't like who he is and I feel his negative attitude always rubs off on me and the kids. Like they say, emotions are like colds....and it doesn't take much or long before he's upset about something and going off on everyone about it. We are always walking on eggshells because we never know what will set him off or when.

 

He has become very sensitive, and takes everything personally. He takes issue with everything...and it has gotten so frustrating and tiresome to constantly be on defense for everything I say, the way I say it, the things I do (or don't do). He has become very critical and intolerant to everything. I feel he misreads me a lot and then he assumes what I'm thinking or feeling and reacts on his assumption before finding out exactly what I am thinking.

 

About 3 years ago, he was diagnosed with Bipolar Stage II, but due to lack of insurance (and money for insurance), he isn't on any meds. And besides that, the meds he has gotten (samples) although they have helped somewhat, are really strong and tend to make him really sleepy and so he won't take them anyway. I don't know how much of his behavior or "personality change" is because of being Bipolar. I just know that he used to have outbursts and uncontrollable temper tantrums and although he's managed to bring those under control, he's still as moody and irritable as ever. And the outbursts now seem to manifest in different ways. Instead of yelling, screaming and throwing things, now he's just an ******* about everything.

 

I know we need counseling for our marriage to work. I know we can't talk amongst ourselves, because it ends in an argument. His son can't even talk to him about how he feels, because he's very defensive and he's always right...and no one can tell him he has a problem (or that they have a problem with him). He doesn't see his behavior for what it is and how hard and difficult it is to be with him.

 

He's very opinionated and arrogant and if you disagree with him, you are wrong. He knows it all and you can't get him to realize he's being irrational or illogical when he is, which is a lot of the time.

 

So I guess my question is this....does anyone else have experience with this kind of person? And if so, how does one go about resolving conflict?

 

He'll go to counseling and we went a while ago...but I don't know if he'll get it. When we went before, he always says the right things and talks the talk, like he gets it and understands, yadda yadda, but then nothing ever changes.

 

I'm not saying I'm perfect. I know my negative feelings about him come out in things I say, the way I say it and how I react toward him.. It's hard to be nice when I feel so much resentment and frustration about him. Knowing he's my husband, wanting him to be my best friend and a true partner, but feeling like I want nothing to do with him. It's sad.

 

I feel like I'm pretending and just going through the motions. He wonders why I don't approach him or have the desire to be intimate. He doesn't understand that I don't owe him sex and people have to connect to want to be intimate and right now I don't even want to connect with him. I have no desire to be close to him, because I just don't like who he is, and although I have tried to tell him, I know if I start explaining how I really feel, he'll just get defensive and we'll start fighting. So I keep my mouth shut because I know we need a third party outside our marriage, to tell him what he refuses to see and to help us communicate better.

 

In the meanwhile, it's very difficult living with him and spending any time with him. I could be in the greatest of moods and within a half hour of getting home for the day, he'll start in about something...and usually something somewhat trivial that isn't worth getting upset over. But then he'll ruin the whole evening and make everyone uncomfortable being around him. I feel resentful that he can't just let things roll off his back and let things go sometimes. That he has to take issue with so many stupid things. And then he over reacts to everything, making things way worse than they should be.

 

If the kids break something, instead of getting upset and realizing they are kids and that happens, he yells and screams at them, and then forbids them from playing video games for the rest of their lives. I realize they need to be punished for breaking something that wasn't even ours, but it's replaceable and it's not the end of the world. It's like he doesn't realize kids break things...a 4 and a 6 year old tend to be careless that way. They don't think like 37 year olds...but he constantly thinks they should and gets after them when they don't. It's just another example of how he thinks and enforces his way of doing things on everyone, even when they are different people and not even the same age. Does that make sense?

 

I need a partner who is willing and wanting to do things with his kids and family. Not someone who gives me grief and arguments at every turn. Taking the kids to the park or out to an activity, should not be a fight. But with him, one day he'll be fine with it, and then when it comes to doing it, he'll throw a fit and be a major ass about going. So I tell him to stay home, and then he gives me grief that

that will make him look bad to the kids and how much he hated it when his dad didn't do things with him when he was little. I just don't get him. He tells me things to appease me, then gives me grief when it comes time to pay up. Instead of being easy going and care free and spending precious time with his children and enjoying it for what it is, he has to have a stick up his you know what and be an ass to everyone. Then no one wants him to be around. I hate him when he does that, and unfortunately, he does it all the time.

 

Sorry for venting...I'm just frustrated and tired and part of me wants to just get away from him, another part wants things to work out. I don't want my family to break up...especially for the kids sake...but I wonder, since I basically want him to be a different person, if staying together is even worth it. I can't expect someone to change for me, and I don't. But he used to be that way. That's why I married him....for who he USED to be. I want him to be that way again....because I sure don't like who he is now. And I can't imagine living the rest of my life with him the way he is.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm not sure how one reasonably expects a person suffering from Bipolar Stage II - and not taking meds for it - to regulate and understand his own conduct. The change in your H over the last 4-5 years seems simple to understand - he has become more affected by his illness. And were I you, addressing that would be my focus. As you describe him, the changes in his personality and demeanor are not subtle. I'd go back to the doctor (same one or different) and get him back into a course of treatment. Hard to make any long term decisions without understanding the progress he might make.

 

As one who deals every day with a family member affected by mental illness, I feel for you. It's hard to describe to an outsider how this can impact every aspect of your life, or how bleak and hopeless things can seem. No easy fixes here, so hang in there and keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

[theBrokenMuse]

Your husband is sick and insurance or not, he needs to find a way to afford the meds because they are vital to his well being. His behavior is his illness manifesting itself and taking samples here and there isn't going to do much to help. He needs to find the right meds and stick with them to see any real improvement.

[2sure]

The diagnosis of mental illness is not a free pass to abuse your family. The lack of insurance is a major issue and together you have to pursue getting the treatment he needs to the nth degree. "In sickness and in health " is for real, and helping him feel better is part of your job. BUT like I said, his illness, especially since he is aware of it - is STLL not a free pass to abuse. He can shut up if he has nothing nice to say. Even a cranky 5 year old can do this. The fact that he drives and holds a job is proof enough that he can function. He can be polite if not happy. People have had stress, illness, and dysfunction - genetic, medical and otherwise ALWAYS - but now it seems that simply being diagnosed with any kind of bipolar or dperession not only takes the responsibility away but also requires it to be accepted. He needs medication, and therapy.

 

But these kids will grow up with many problems and dysfunctions of their own due to his maniacal behavior towards you and them. I am sure it must be affecting their school work, and dispositions already.

 

I feel bad for him, the health care system is a heart breaker...but he is costing YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY a lifetime of pain.

 

He can be polite. He can know when he has crossed the line, at least most of the time. His diagnosis means he can be understood and cut some slack - the family can deal with that. BUT this every day abuse??? NO.

[theBrokenMuse]

He can shut up if he has nothing nice to say. Even a cranky 5 year old can do this. He can be polite if not happy.

 

He can be polite. He can know when he has crossed the line, at least most of the time.

 

The problem is that many times people with mental illness do not see that their behavior is as bad as it actually is or actually consider it to be better than when they are on meds. Sick minds do not process information the same way that a healthy one does.

 

I remember back when I was at my lowest point, suffering from depression, everyone was telling me that I was hostile and snapping over every little thing. I did not see it and thought people were being overly critical of me and I became very defensive and felt offended every time someone dared to say anything to me about it. It wasn't until I saw myself on tape for a family function that I realized how I actually sounded to other people. It wasn't pretty. I got my butt back into therapy and on meds pronto. Sorry for the rambling, just trying to illustrate a point.

[uleryrns]

The problem is that many times people with mental illness do not see that their behavior is as bad as it actually is or actually consider it to be better than when they are on meds. Sick minds do not process information the same way that a healthy one does.

 

I remember back when I was at my lowest point, suffering from depression, everyone was telling me that I was hostile and snapping over every little thing. I did not see it and thought people were being overly critical of me and I became very defensive and felt offended every time someone dared to say anything to me about it. It wasn't until I saw myself on tape for a family function that I realized how I actually sounded to other people. It wasn't pretty. I got my butt back into therapy and on meds pronto. Sorry for the rambling, just trying to illustrate a point.

 

This is exactly what is happening with my husband. He doesn't see his behavior and in fact, often mentions that he's doing better and thinks because he hasn't yelled or thrown anything lately, that his behavior has gotten way better. But to me, it's still the same.

 

And he could be nice for 3-4 days in a row and I'll start feeling good about him again, but all it takes is one day, one moment of him being a jerk, being mean, and all the good goes away again. It's a repetitive circle that never seems to stop.

 

Getting him into therapy is SO needed, but without finances to support it, I don't know how? We don't attend a church regularly enough to get help from the pastor, and I've called the church and they charge $180 a session for marriage counseling. I have insurance and with a small copay, we've tried marriage counseling that way, to try to get help for him...but unfortunately, he says all the right things in session, so the therapist doesn't see the immediate problem and since it's under my insurance, can't meet alone with him. I think he's depressed as well and often times, I have wanted to set up a camera to video how he behaves so he can see for himself, what everyone else sees. It's almost like he needs an intervention or something. And his 13 yr old son, has mentioned he needs Dr. Phil...to which he got defensive and offended.

 

I just wish there was some free help somewhere...

[jwi71]

Contact the state. See if they cant direct to publicly funded mental health resources.

Start with Health and Human Services (or whatever AZ calls it there) and ask. Approach the church or other university. There are many free and low cost alternatives for him, you and your family.

 

Like others above, he isn't deliberately doing this. Its not who he is - its the disease. And it is most certainly a treatable disease.

 

You can get him back - the man you remember. But it will be a hard, long and painful road.

 

The alternative, and it won;t be popular, is divorce on mental health grounds. I wouldn't walk this road but it is there.

[Mr. Lucky]

I think he's depressed as well and often times, I have wanted to set up a camera to video how he behaves so he can see for himself, what everyone else sees.

Funny to hear you say that as my wife and I have often said the same thing in regards to our adult son, similarly affected by a diagnosed mental illness. People that don't live with it can't understand how it can be so pervasive in its effect on everything from their judgement to their demeanor and conduct. Hard to explain to other people, especially when the affected person convincingly states "I'm fine"...

 

Mr. Lucky

[luvstarved]

Yes, I am married to this same man, only without the "benefit" of a diagnosis, because he is so right that he does not need evaluation and it is the rest of the world who has a problem.

 

We have been in counseling forever, to no effect, because he bails when the counselors call him on his behavior. I finally said, no more counseling, it is a waste, and so now without having to discuss his behavior at all, it's gotten worse.

 

I have continued with a couple of counselors after he bailed and have been told that they see him as I see him, unyielding and practically pathological in his need to be right, and downright verbally abusive. H simply disagrees and takes on a paranoid attitude about such assessments...they are borne of jealousy, I have "fooled" the counselors, the counselor is incompetent, whatever it takes to makes him right.

 

The other thing that I have been told that there is very little hope that he will ever change and that my only real choice is to accept it or get out, advice given with the hint that any presence of self-esteem in me would indicate I should get out.

 

But, there are practical considerations esp financial these days and I am kind of stuck. I am trying to just stay away from him and avoid conflict but he finds it anyway, in all the ways you mentioned and more. Everyone else's mistakes and foibles are sick and unacceptable, his are merely human, or provoked by others.

 

And I hate to break it to you, but he has been recorded and played back, told point blank that his behavior was abusive, etc and he just does not see it. At all. Meanwhile, almost anything I say to him is an insult and attack...he goes on and on about my teens' behavior, and if I ask him to please just let it go for my sake (stressing me out with this on Thanksgiving morning, for example), he takes it as me blaming HIM for the behaviors. He does almost nothing around the house, with child care, or taking care of things, and gives me gifts that almost seem intentionally bad, my schedule is dictated by all his activities, etc and we have sex when and how he wants...yet he insists that I am the "taker" - that he gives and gives and gives...

 

I agree with the other posters that as your H has a diagnosis, you should do everything you can to follow up and see that it is treated. It is not easy and requires his cooperation, but it seems your only real recourse is to act on that...it is your only real hope...

 

I wish you luck, and sister, I totally empathize...

[uleryrns]

Wow luv.... I'm so sorry that you are fighting against someone who won't even try to recognize the issue. I have no words, except to say may God Bless you and help you through this.

 

I feel there is hope in my situation because my H does recognize he has issues and knows he is bipolar and sometimes he is able to stop himself from being an ass. Although it seems, the line of becoming an ass and constantly being one, is very fine lately.

 

Some of the therapy we have gone too has helped him recognize triggers and has taught him how to handle those triggers and to leave the room, or count to 10, or do little breathing excercises, so he doesn't hurt anyone verbally, etc.

 

I hold out hope because I know past therapy has helped and even when he was taking meds, even though they were strong and he wasn't on them consistently, they did regulate his behavior/moods. We've discussed many times, how important it is for him to get on meds and stay on them and possibly even go to counseling/therapy by himself, so he can really work on this problem. And we both agree he should...it just comes down to lack of funds. And maybe that's a big excuse...mostly on his part. He does tend to be a HUGE procrastinator and that's just another thing I find myself feeling resentful about him for.

 

He has problems following through and keeping his word. He lies and has a tendancy to appease me, and tell me what I want to hear, instead of being honest. He is unreliable and I don't feel I can trust him to take care of anything. It is very difficult, raising 4 kids (one of them my step child), when I feel like I'm the only adult, most times. Also, it doesn't help when I feel like I have to take care of him too, since he sometimes acts more like a child, than an adult. It's a heavy burden and I'm constantly wondering if staying in this marriage is worth it.

 

All I can do is pray, ask God for direction and as others have suggested here, I'm going to pursue treatment somehow, someway, for my H, so things can eventually get better.

 

Thank you for your story. I too wish you luck.

[LavendarGirl]

I'd say that having Bipolar disorder is impacting so much, that you cannot address other issues until that is under control. Maybe once he's taking medication, you two should go to counseling. But the medication is critical to his -and the family's- well being. The expense of the medication needs to be considered as a necessity, cut cable and the kids' cell phones if you need to in order to get him his medication.

 

I would say to approach this like you might an alcoholic in the family. Essentially give him an ultimatum and tell him that he needs to go on meds regularily and willingly OR he's out the door for good. And stick to your guns.

[Elilmomma]

I just wanted to let you know that my hubby is pretty much the same way. I have 2 daughters with my hubby and we have been together for almost 12 years and just recently his mother passed away and now he has his neice and brother and he does nothing with any of us. Hubby is always moody and we walk on eggshells around him also. I thought I was the only one with a hubby like that. Hubby has never went to get counseling but he does need to. My hubby is very moody , violent at times and always right it's his way or nothing.. Well I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone... good luck I wish I had and answer for you but I don't know what to do in situation either.