smceachern Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 This may be a bit disturbing too some and maybe also not what was expected. Some history here. In my wifes defense she was molested by an uncle on her mothers side, her mother committed suicide, her mothers remaining 4 siblings all are alcoholic disabled depressives, her grandfather was an alcoholic and shot himself and from what I am told the father of her pregnancy at 19 was physically abuse and a drug user. So thats my wife's history. I come from a typical North American family infrastructure with all grandparents, aunts uncles, etc generally intact although my parents separated when I was 17 - they are still good friends and respectful and separated with a policy to "sustain each others dignity". For me, my wife gets trashed (drunk) at every opportunity - weddings, business parties, etc gets belligerent even got barred from the resort that we were married at for drunken behaviour. She's become violent when trying to rationalize with her, she drinks so much she urinates in bed sometimes when she's passed out. This summer she was so far gone on a family trip to the resort we married she $#!T in our bed after passing out. She facilitated parties and events with her teen sisters that included drugs and alcohol while our 3 and 9 year old children were home and I was away at my night job. Next she seems so OCD. I am reprimanded for wrapping the vacuum cord in figure eights rather than ovals, or the dinning table placemats don't cover the burn marks from a party she had before we ever met. Me I've never tried drugs, very rarely drink (maybe 20 in a year), never smoked, and am 99.9% faithful (explanation forthcoming). Based on what I've witnessed first person, 44min videos I have received, text messages and emails I've intercepted as well as third party corroboration my wife has performed cunnilingus and ridden double ended adult toys with a dozen women on about 60 occasions, plus regularly performed oral sex on two men - one of which is her multi-$1M boss of twice her age and also had intercourse with guy(s) from her past across the country. She also shares her experiences with masturbation including humping pillows at work with other close male friends. She doesn't often come home for 36 hour periods - on a weekly to bi-weekly frequency. This is what I do know and have evidence of - but I assume I probably know only 10% of the real truth. She also has renegged on house payments and car payments in order to fund her social life. Revenue Canada is now after me for $20,000 in back taxes - money spent partying, smoking, drinking, and on wall sconces, and other cosmetic only items. Her boss that holds our second mortgage is about to call it in, he also helped her buy a new Chrysler Sebring last year after she kicked me out of our house, after which she began regular sexual antics including fellatio with him. For years I got up to get our daughter (from her previous relationship) to school, fed our baby every morning, compromised my company (I was an entrepreneur) but lost the company to my business partner - who eventually went on to say "I am tired of having my business compromised by the night life of Amanda 7#$$". Through it all I still love and have been incredibly attracted to my wife. I feel she is somehow sick. But due to sensitivities from trauma's in my past I need lots of physical affirmation for my esteem to survive, etc. My wife has been sexually rejecting me however in about 19 or 20 advances. Its always on her terms. I am not allowed to add other senses such as taste or perform foreplay more than maybe 5 times a year. Although she will do these oral and manual stimuli with other women at every opportunity. I don't think I have a big issue with the bi-sexual behaviour - I am willing to adjust (wouldn't any male) and integrate it into our sex life. However I still need our own bonding. But the rest of it is too much. Last year she pushed me closer to suicide than I ever want to be again - I hope I never hurt my kids that way. My sex drive is no different than when we met. My two previous relationships spanned 13 years, both of which still speak to me once awhile to check in on life. My previous relationship of 9 years included sex 3 times a day except for days of illness or her period - although even with that she's find other methods. My point is this previous girl made me feel like I could accomplish anything in life - and I did, I was initially on a very successful growth curve with all the most reputable clients, etc. But now as my esteem has been all diminished, and I am ridiculed even by our 10 year old daughter of being bitch-whipped by mom I am debilitated and hardly capable in my career. I love my wife. I tell her how attracted I am to her always and proud of her in her career. I give her massages and I bring in 70 percent of our income. My infant sons behaviour towards me prior to his even being able to talk was evidence to me and everyone of the father I am - I know I am an amazing man. My intimate history since July 14, 1986 suggests that I'm no slouch in bed, and when we do, do it, we mutualy orgasm. But like I said my sex drive resents being put last place to wine, cigarettes and other mens ego's and penises. I would rather die than break up my family but that would hurt my son so bad. I only have $300,000 in life insurance which would save our house (financial trouble) but it would have to be natural or accidental causes to pay out. My wife has abandoned my family and her fathers side after we tried to get her to see where the party lifestyle leads and what it compromises. I have little resources left to lose and have no allies. She had a good relationship with my mom who was so close to her and helped with the delivery of our son - but because my mom got involved to try and end this crap my wife hates her and havent spoken since before last Christmas. I found drugs in our house again last night a year after the situation where she had been facilitating parties with dozens of minors having drugs and alcohol in our home with my children present. Me and four other adults became legaly obligated to call Childrens Services a year ago due to the behaviour so I did so before anyone else did or I would have had my kids taken away - this is the legal advice I received then that I acted on. But I am the biggest A$$#07E that there ever there was for it, and am reminded of my being synonomous with an anal orifice on a weekly basis. SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP ME!!!!
amaysngrace Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP ME!!!! Nobody can help you but you, my friend. How do you figure you are sexually abused though? You are sexually denied.
Posco_Proudfoot Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 If this was Intervention they'd tell you to inact the tough love status and get out of the relationship with children in hand. You're enabling this behavior and it sounds like you went into it know all this. It is a disfunctional lifestyle and she is in dire need of help, only she doesn't want it. Get out.
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 Get help for your codependency first - you'll need to be strong for the next step. What you would need to do if you love your children is to break this cycle now by divorcing your wife, getting full and I mean FULL custody of your children and moving so far away that your children are only exposed to her once or twice a year and even then with well supervised short visits. Don't let your toxic love for your wife doom your children to repeating the cycle. Get them away from her, like yesterday. If you can't save yourself or your marriage at the very least you can give your children a decent shot at life by removing them from this horrible situation. I generally don't advocate breaking up a family, but if your children are to have any decent sort of life they need to be far away from this. You and your wife cannot function together and you have a better shot at functioning as a single parent than she does. Save your kids. Seriously.
Diamonds&Rust Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 Sorry to be blunt, because you sound like a quality person, but: if you don't completely remove your kids from this situation, you are failing as a father. Help will come to her when she's ready. In the mean time, stop enabling her by pretending you still love her.
amaysngrace Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 Sorry to be blunt, because you sound like a quality person, but: if you don't completely remove your kids from this situation, you are failing as a father. I couldn't agree more. Children use their early formative years to give them the tools they need later on in life. What are your children's early years teaching them? What are you teaching them?
Diamonds&Rust Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 What are you teaching them? You are teaching them that no matter how abusive their future partner becomes, they should stay if they find themselves sexually attracted still. No matter how much people mistreat them, you're teaching them all they have to do is adopt an attitude that largely defers blame inward and makes excuses for whomever is mistreating them. Your selflessness is incredibly selfish. Stop talking about offing yourself and grow a spine and go father those kids away from their crazy mother. You clearly understand this. You open your post explaining how your normal family has made you normal and your partner's screwed up family has made her screwed up. Don't screw up your kids. Run. Before they reach an age where 'cool mom' can supply them with their own poison.
zxcirce Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 you don't need to defend her, and she's not DOING anything to you or MAKING you do anything. Take some responsibility for your life and yourself, stop playing the victim.
Meaplus3 Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 The most important thing right now is removing those children from this situation it is not healthy at all for the kids and they should not have to witness this. As for your wife, she needs to stop drinking and take control of her life but only she can do that when and if she is willing and able to. Have you sat down and talked with her about her behavior? Do you think she would get help?? Mea:)
people_gaye Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 see a lawyer, take steps to ensure custody of those kids, busy yourself so as to not constantly think about her, get out more often and realise you can do better and seek professional help if none of that helps.
RecordProducer Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 I love my wife. I tell her how attracted I am to her always and proud of her in her career. I give her massages and I bring in 70 percent of our income. My infant sons behaviour towards me prior to his even being able to talk was evidence to me and everyone of the father I am - I know I am an amazing man. This is YOU. Last year she pushed me closer to suicide This is what your wife turned you into. I would rather die than break up my family You are close to that very choice. But let me reformulate it: your children witness this misery because you're "physically very attracted to your wife." Her actions are her responsibility, but your actions are your responsibility. And your responsibility is to man up and tell her that if she doesn't change everything momentarily, you're leaving and taking your son with you. Of course she won't change, so you do it. You leave. If she wants you back, she first has to prove that she's ditched the party life, the booze, the drugs, the extramarital sex, and all the disrespectful slutty, trashy things she's doing. You don't give her a second chance just like that. It might take a year or two for her to prove that she has changed. Sick or not, needing help or not, and whatever her childhood history, she is acting like trash. And you're rewarding her behavior by being an amazing husband who compliments her beauty. She's ugly! And you're a fool for not being able to see her in all her ugliness.
RecordProducer Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 You clearly understand this. You open your post explaining how your normal family has made you normal and your partner's screwed up family has made her screwed up. Don't screw up your kids. Run. Very good point! Your parents "broke up" the family but remained civil and raised you well. Your wife is breaking her children's psyche by the things that she does. You may think that your children don't know what's going on, but they do and they soon will have a very clear picture. I don't know of any kperson who never discovered early on that their parent was trash.
Cryha Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 I'm afraid everyone else that has posted is right. Get out now! Your kids need you to be a strong enough person to leave her in order to protect them and save them from becoming just a messed up as she is.
Wicked Smile Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 You need to bite your lip and get your kids out of there. You are in love with a project because i find it hard to believe a woman bringing this to the table would NOT inspire love from a man. A baseball bat maybe.
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