TheMike Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 Hi there... I've been reading this forum since my breakup, and it's been quite soothing and helpful. But now I think is the time for me to post my story, boring as it may be. I don't blame you for not reading it, as it's probably too long. Background info first: I'm 32 years old. I met my ex 5 years ago, and from the get-go we were together 24/7 - more or less. She literally came to my apartment and never left. Anyway, it was my first long-term relationship and indeed my first and only relationship period. I've had a few brief encounters with women before, but nothing came of it, really. The thing is, that I never actually pursued a relationship or even sexual encounters before - as I used to be rather shy and uncomfortable with my own physical shape - as I was overweight. Then I started a new education and I met this other girl who I fell in love with - head over heels. I asked her out, but she wasn't interested - and I can't really blame her as I was 50 lbs. overweight and didn't really bother with my own appearance. But that all changed because of her - and in the space of 8 months I lost 60 lbs. and actually became quite good looking. At least that's what I was told by several girls and I even thought so myself. My ego is pretty solid - and for unknown reasons it's always been like that. I'm very happy with myself as a person. Fast forward a few years and I was still pining for this girl. There was a connection, definitely, and we used to stare at each other in class all day long. But since she originally rejected my invitation - I sort of left it to her. Nothing came of it - sadly, but at least I got in good shape and felt more alive than I had in years. So I start "dating" which is to say I went online and met a few women - had a few meetings, but I wasn't particularly interested. There were offers of sex, but since I made it clear that I wouldn't have sex unless there was a deeper interest - nothing happened. Along the way I meet my current ex. We hit it off and she comes over to my apartment one night on a dare - and as I said - she never left. --- I don't even know if I loved this girl - really - because what does love feel like. It certainly wasn't like the love i felt for that other girl. I just liked her and it felt right so I told her that I was ready for a serious relationship. At first, we did everything together. We were both homebodies, and we both enjoyed movies, games, and just chilling out in front of the TV. She DID want to go out though - and during the first year we did a bit of that - but never that much. But slowly, as time passed, I felt her becoming less and less satisfied with being at home and doing what she seemed to enjoy so much. We had some talks and I understood that she wanted to do more things, and I said ok let's do that - but I also made it clear that I didn't really have a great need for it. So I sort of left it up to her to arrange it, and I went along for the most part. I was always very upfront from the very start about the kind of person I was, and that I was never a big "going out" type and she was totally ok with it - or so she said. Anyway, things got less passionate and at one point she said that she didn't enjoy us having sex all the time. Today, I don't think that's strange - but I never pressured her in any way and she never gave any hints - at least none that I picked up. But at the time I was pretty hurt, as I thought it was really something she enjoyed. So I started backing off on the sexual stuff - and near the end of our relationship it was a "once a month" thing that I didn't really enjoy all that much. It was probably doomed once I found out that I could never feel assured that she did enjoy it - though I know she obviously did sometimes, and she kept insisting that she did. That's one problem that would haunt us. Another problem was that we had a lot of very bad things happen to our lives after the first couple of years, like my sister dying because of an overdose and she also lost someone close to her. We had a really hard time, and we started to stay home from work - both of us. It got so bad that we eventually both lost our jobs (though we didn't get fired). So we kinda buried ourselves at home with playing computer games and not going out. I know this sounds pretty pathetic, but I guess you could say it was a coping mechanism for what was happening. After we'd done that for a while, I started to express serious concern that we'd never get out of it if we didn't stop playing that damn game (WoW - if you know it) and she didn't seem to think it was a problem. We both gained weight and were both unhappy with how things were going, obviously. Way too much time passed without getting a steady job/income - and that's what ultimately let to our doom. We did try things though, like we got a new and bigger apartment - and she insisted we get a dog. I wasn't crazy about that idea, because I knew our pattern and that getting and taking care of a dog isn't a trivial thing. Sure enough, I ended up being the one to take most care of it, and I am the one stuck with it alone now. That said, I do love it and even though it destroys things in the apartment - I couldn't get rid of it now. She finally got herself a job, and she was suddenly becoming very distant. I was doing some courses to get myself back into the IT business, because I felt it was a good way to get started again. She was ok with that, but as it was prolonged because of various problems out of my control, she expressed that she felt I had to get something soon. I tried my best, but ultimately that wasn't enough for her. She became increasingly distant and we had a big fight at one time, where she basically admitted she needed to be by herself. This was devastating to me, as she'd never said that before - and I was used to being the one in "emotional control" and I just couldn't believe she wanted out. I felt we were both responsible for our crappy situation, and that even though she found a job before me - we'd both been wasting ourselves for a long time. I pleaded with her about giving me a chance to prove I can change - and that included seeing more of her family and so on. I spent 3 months doing everything for her - and I sent her flowers and stuff that i'd done during the first year or two. But she'd already given up and eventually she just told me it was over and then she moved out. So, for the last couple of months it's been very tough on me. The first two days I was SERIOUSLY contemplating suicide. I'd let so many things in my life slip - and now the one good thing I had was gone. I know it sounds pretty stupid, but despite our problems we were nearly always happy to be together. Friends and family always said we seemed like the perfect couple. I always thought we'd get over this phase - which turned out to last almost 2 years. So, obviously something had to change. I just never believed this was going to be it. The good thing is that it DID provoke some changes. In the last two months I've lost 20 lbs. (not far from being in good shape) and I've gotten a good job. From the outside, it looks much better to some people. Except she's gone. She was never good at communicating her needs, and I was always too good at it, it seems. I'm the kind of person who deals with a problem as soon as I see it - most of the time I DO see it - and she'd just rather not deal with it at all. For some reason, I was able to live relatively comfortably - even given our situation. But she apparently had shut off her emotions six months before, and she now feels we're like brother and sister, more than anything else. She was SO dedicated to me in the past, and so genuinely in love with me (or so I believe) - that I just can't accept she lost it all so suddenly. Today I learned that she'd found someone at her workplace. They've been going out for 2 weeks - and I've suspected as much. I've tried to ask her if something was up, but as always she denied everything. Then she tells me today, and I told her it was good for her - but that I'd have to go NC from now on. She's been in several long-term relationships and she's very practiced in shutting off contact. She has a daughter that she sent away to england to live with her father - even though she's been devastated by that ever since, though they're now living in denmark (our country). The thing is - that I just can't seem to let her go. As I said, I don't even know if I loved her truly, but I certainly loved being with her. I feel so alone and though I'm well on the way to a better life, I don't know if I can ever trust someone again. This was my first relationship and I put everything I had into it. That's partially why things got so bad, because I didn't take care of myself as I felt I already had everything I needed. I wasn't hungry for more and that's obviously a very big mistake. I don't know what I expect in response, from those of you who bothered to read this far, but I've been as honest as I can about the situation. I just want to know if you think there's any point in NOT going NC and simply forgetting everything about her. Do you think it'll be a long time before I can trust anyone fully and do you think I'm ready for another commitment after having been so self-destructive? It's not like she betrayed me, not at all, but I feel she just didn't give me a chance before shutting off completely. She kept saying "I love you" all the time, even when she already knew she wanted out and wasn't going to give me a chance at all. Any thoughts are welcome.
Benique Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 It is a real mistake to get afraid that the next relationship will be necessarily alike the previous . Every relationship is new and different and brings us some new experience . Time will heal you ,and you will meet a new girl after a renewal . You say yourself "you just loved to be with her",but you do not know if you loved her truly . Now tell me , with how many else girls you may really feel well and love to be with ? With really many . All she has done , wont be repeated by others ,as all and everyone are different . Even twins vary many times . I read all your post ,and felt you are on the path of healing yourself . I wish you to go on and not to get discouraged by anything in life . As life is just once ,and you need to live it to the fullest . The best of luck to you,TheMike.
LiveandLearn Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 First loves and relationships are always the hardest to get over. It definitely is not the end of the world or your life. It's a learning experience that everyone has to go through at least once in their life. Going NC is probably a good thing for the both of you; allow yourselves to sort out your emotions. It'll be difficult, to say the least. Take this time to re-evaluate your relationship, as well as yourself from an objective stand point. What can you improve on? How can you better yourself? What do you want and don't want in a relationship or in a significant other? The pain will eventually subside. There's no exact timetable as to when it will, but it will.
Author TheMike Posted December 16, 2008 Author Posted December 16, 2008 Thank you for your words. They are wise, but I'm not sure they really dealt directly with my post. But again, I know it was long and rambling, even if I didn't bring up a tenth of the relevant issues. I always write long posts and they always end up tiring the readers. My bad. I'm just in a lot of pain right now, and I guess I just wanted something to soothe it - but there's really nothing anyone can do. I just need to do this NC and accept she's lost to me forever. But damn, it's like throwing my entire life away knowingly, because that's unfortunately what she'd become in the end. All I can hope is that I've learned enough from this relationship without becoming closed to a future partner. I'm a very open and honest person, and you can generally count on what I'm saying is from the heart. But apparently, that's not the case with too many people. I need to set aside my scepticism with this knowledge, and that's hard.
Benique Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 Its not hard,its hardest (I do not say of you,I say of myself) sorry to poke in your thread, I was thinking myself ..its my story .. have no powers to tell .. to post .. its hardest . I am sorry again .
Author TheMike Posted December 16, 2008 Author Posted December 16, 2008 Its not hard,its hardest (I do not say of you,I say of myself) sorry to poke in your thread, I was thinking myself ..its my story .. have no powers to tell .. to post .. its hardest . I am sorry again . You don't have to be sorry This may be my thread, but I think we're all here to heal and help each other. I completely understand if you're in too much pain to tell your story, but know that I'm here to read it if you need help - though I'm not sure I can offer anything intelligent - as I seem to be somewhat moronic when it comes to relationships. I'm too old to be this inexperienced, but there it is.
Jenny123 Posted December 17, 2008 Posted December 17, 2008 All I can say is time is a healer....That's the way it goes! I know wot u mean- relationships when good is the best parts of ur life, we all want that, we all crave it. Ur not alone and these things happen for a reason. It will pass the desire for her. Good luck:)
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