melodymatters Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 That term came up in another thread about housekeeping, but what I found the most interesting were peoples ideas of marriage and what it signifies today. I married the first time impulsively and very young, but we were both very in love and committed. I have to say, I was the one who factored in that there was an "out" if things didn't work out. I didn't take it until he developed a serious drug and alcohol problem that affected our newborn. Next, was a 7 yr relationship, in which HE seemed to not value the vows, in that he left after 2 friggen weeks, and banged me financially. Now, I am married for the final time ( 20 yrs after the first, and the 2nd was basically an annulment situation) and am with someone who believes marriage is for life, and that THIS IS IT !! I, have matured myself, and feel the same way ( barring infidelity or abuse of course). So far we have managed to respect each other and our marriage in what I would consider a rather ' old school" way. Of course we are newly weds, but I find that a lot of the probelms happen immediately and get worked out if YOU are going to work out as a couple. same styles, values, and attitudes: No yelling, no serious fights, no threats to leave, just a knowledge that we WILL get through whatever comes our way, as we are a FAMILY now. Of course our challenges will come along the way, but i feel that we both have the same " marriage style" like finding a team or band that is a perfect fit. So, what about you folks ? Old school, together no matter what, or 'as long as my needs are being met" ? It will be interesting to hear as generational differences seem to keep popping up in a lot of threads, with the 30's and 40's people seeming to have different expectations than the 20's.
amaysngrace Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 I'm not married Mel. But thank you so much for knowing what old school means. I think I have an old school relationship...does that count?
Author melodymatters Posted December 16, 2008 Author Posted December 16, 2008 I'm not married Mel. But thank you so much for knowing what old school means. I think I have an old school relationship...does that count? Of course it does ! and, I've been reading your thread, I SO wish the best for you and your guy. If he is willing to get help great, if not, at least YOU are exhausting every avenue before you go, and you can leave with a clear conscience. I did that with my 1st ex, and it was hard, but when the final straw landed on this camels back, at least i feel i walked away clean and guilt free. He later died of his addictions.
amaysngrace Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 Of course it does ! and, I've been reading your thread, I SO wish the best for you and your guy. If he is willing to get help great, if not, at least YOU are exhausting every avenue before you go, and you can leave with a clear conscience. I did that with my 1st ex, and it was hard, but when the final straw landed on this camels back, at least i feel i walked away clean and guilt free. He later died of his addictions. Thank you so much. I don't know what the future will hold for us. But he's the one for me. I truly believe that or else I wouldn't be going through what I'm going through. Your ex sounds as if he met the same ill fate but you were still together it'd have put you in a lesser place than you are in now. You may have missed the chance to be right where you are today. And you seem to be in a very good place today. Still that is tragic and I'm sorry for your loss. Oh the things we must go through to allow us to peacefully close our eyes as we cross over to death, huh? Life sure is a whoot.
Diamonds&Rust Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 The beliefs of traditional marriage are tied closely to the opposition of women's lib. An "old school" view of marriage would not afford you multiple chances to get it right. I think marriage should be more than an affirmation of time spent in the relationship. Do you? How long have you been with this guy altogether?
blair08 Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 I guess it depends on what exactly "old skool" means to some. I would say my husbands folks are in an "old skool" marriage based on the fact she has told me before she was raised to stay with a man no matter what, and she did. The result...50 some years of unhappiness. I think that's sad, but we all have choices.
Touche Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 I'm not sure I'd call our marriage "old school" exactly. Neither one of us would stay together no matter what. But yes, we do believe in working through things. We've already been through things that probably would have broken up other couples. But yeah, we each do have our "deal breakers" and would divorce. We only have one life and it's not worth living in misery. Some relationships can never work no matter how hard you try or how much you love that person. And for background (since you mentioned it) I'm in my late 40's and H is in his early 50's.
JackJack Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 I'm not sure I'd call our marriage "old school" exactly. Neither one of us would stay together no matter what. But yes, we do believe in working through things. We've already been through things that probably would have broken up other couples. But yeah, we each do have our "deal breakers" and would divorce. We only have one life and it's not worth living in misery. Some relationships can never work no matter how hard you try or how much you love that person. And for background (since you mentioned it) I'm in my late 40's and H is in his early 50's. I like Touche's post because I can relate. We have deal breakers too, and neither of us would stay no matter what. I'm all for trying to work things out if its workable, if not, its time to move on.
Touche Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 Thanks, Jack. By the way, I really love your sig. I believe that's one of the "secrets" to a good marriage. You just can't let it get too personal and attack the person. Like with this housekeeping issue we've been discussing, for example. If my H constantly called me a slob or a pig what motivation would I have to please him and clean? Instead he tells me how it makes him feel when the house is a mess. And he tells me how great it makes him feel to walk in to a clean house. Now THAT'S my motivation to keep it up. I want to make him feel good and to please him. Sure I falter now and then, but my track record is pretty good...enough to satisfy him anyway. Anyway, great quote.
JackJack Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 Thanks, Jack. By the way, I really love your sig. I believe that's one of the "secrets" to a good marriage. You just can't let it get too personal and attack the person. Like with this housekeeping issue we've been discussing, for example. If my H constantly called me a slob or a pig what motivation would I have to please him and clean? Instead he tells me how it makes him feel when the house is a mess. And he tells me how great it makes him feel to walk in to a clean house. Now THAT'S my motivation to keep it up. I want to make him feel good and to please him. Sure I falter now and then, but my track record is pretty good...enough to satisfy him anyway. Anyway, great quote. Thanks Touche. I got it off Dr. Phil of all places. His guest was TD Jakes that is a friend of his, and they were discussing how people handle issues in their marriage. I don't normally watch Dr. Phil, but I did that day with my wife. I think its true too. As long as people are attacking one another and not the issue(s) at hand, then things will not change.
lonelyandfrustrated Posted December 17, 2008 Posted December 17, 2008 We're old school in that he provides financially, and I tend to home and children. We both want to remain married until death, but we waver on which one of us should die first, and how soon.
dropdeadlegs Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 We're old school in that he provides financially, and I tend to home and children. We both want to remain married until death, but we waver on which one of us should die first, and how soon. Okay, I'm resurrecting, but that is one of the funniest things I've read lately. I find it funny because while I'm not yet married, BF and I have this conversation (often) where we say things like "I hope I die before you" or "Don't you friggin' leave me to deal with this crap" and it's rather comical to wish to die rather than be left behind with the solitude. Still, I suppose we do have an old school relationship. I take care of the "woman stuff" and he generally deals with the "man stuff" in that he never cleans toilets and I rarely take out the trash. But I think we're more "new age" in that we have limits as far as unconditional love is concerned. We both believe in "forever" but forever has some limitations. Cheating would be a deal breaker. Since we both have children (and none together) something completely disrespectful towards them would not fly. As a matter of fact, respect is the key. Respect towards each other and those we hold dear is the number one rule. What's most interesting is that we spoke of respect before be had our first kiss. We talked about very important things long (okay, maybe two weeks, but it was a LONG two weeks for me, and not in my nature) before we became physically intimate. That's what made me love him and pursue him. I'm not sure if that has been documented on this forum, but it should be, so here it is. So, we're old school with a new school twist I guess. (the been there and done that and don't want to repeat twist.)
Woggle Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 I wouldn't say old school but we both are commited to making this work and we know it is not a good idea to leave over some stupid fling or if we happen to hit a boring patch. We don't really practice old school gender roles though. She is not some feminist who feels the need to dominate me and treat me like a child but there is no sense of things being man's work and women's work.
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 OK, married for close to 30 years. Went in thinking, if it works great. I hate divorce (parents were divorced). She is wonderful. In our whole marriage. I can't remember her ever flirting, or so much as looking at another man in anyway that looked lustful. Not so much as a stare. I have asked her about it and she says she has never even thought about, but agrees. Great sex, even if its with myself, ha,ha. Seriously it is great. Our kids are grown and my daughter graduates from college in may and is moving to Florida. Now my fear is that we have always had kids around us. Never just me and her. So I am actually afraid of just us together. So we actually started marriage counseling to tune up our communication. And I came on here to basically read the horror stories, so I see what infidelity does to people. I would never worry about her. But my mind wonders and if anyone ever cheated it would be me. So that's why I am so vociferous about the subject of fidelity (because I listen to what I say). So to make a short story long, yes I believe in old school marriage. We share chores (when she can find me under the bed or hiding in the garage). She is my best friend, and is the adult in the relationship. But I am the strong one in crisis. And will make the final decision if we disagree on an important issue (job change, relocating). She is my world.
Alma Mobley Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 I made a vow and I am sticking to it. (I got married in July 2008.) I was 36 before I got married, so I was pretty serious about it. I waited a long time to get married, turned down two marriage proposals, and now that I have made me decision that is it. So, I am going old-school on it. I'm not even religious.
Trialbyfire Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 I thought my previous marriage was old school, not traditional in the sense of SAHW/Working husand, but old school until death do you part, working through issues, never yelling or screaming, compromise and sometimes rolling over. Apparently not... Of the two major dealbreakers, infidelity or abuse, he enacted the former. So our old school marriage turned out far more traditional than expected, wayward spouse with a chippy on the side. I can laugh about it now but it's changed my perception of marriage and relationships for life. Screw traditionalism. IF I ever get married again, it will be the last time and not only the last time but if MY needs aren't being met, I will pull the trigger. I'm 34 and swing back and forth between silly romanticism and intense marriage-cynic.
HappyAtLast Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 I believe that my marriage has been old school (despite the fact that it began as an affair). We both have careers, however all of our spare time is spent together. We don't go out without each other, we don't flirt with others. My wife is my best friend and I would rather spend time with her than anyone. She is the first one that I want to tell things to, good or bad. We respect each other and have never raised our voices to each other. Our commitment to each other comes first and foremost, above and before anything else. In my mind, that is the definition of old school.
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