Having Trouble Choosing Between Two Women

[Scottdmw]

I'm conflicted about two women. Both have expressed to me that they would like to be my girlfriend. I'm at a point in life right now where I'm looking to meet someone for marriage, not casual dating, so I'm making this choice in that context. Let's call the two women Angie and Dianne. Both meet most of my basic dating requirements. Here are the differences.

 

Angie: More physical chemistry. I feel attracted to her, when we're on the couch together I want to cuddle up. However, she has less of the "other desirable characteristics". She is less educated, her parents are not married (statistically higher chance of divorce herself), her build is less desirable (believe it or not I feel like she's too thin even though I'm attracted). Also, she has put pressure on me to make a decision--basically telling me that after 3 weeks of knowing each other I have to date her exclusively or not at all.

 

Dianne: Less physical chemistry. When we're on the couch together I feel basically nothing, no repulsion but no attraction either, no desire to get closer or kiss her. However, she has all the "other desirable characteristics"--more education, bettery family stability, better build. She has not put any pressure on me.

 

I frankly don't know what to do here. I'm not feeling a strong sense either way--sometimes I think I should go with one, sometimes with the other, and sometimes with neither one.

 

Any thoughts? Also, any experience on people developing chemistry later? I'm pretty sure I couldn't date Dianne without feeling more attraction for her, but keep wondering if it might come with time. We've already spent a couple dozen hours in each others' company.

 

Scott

[Benique]

As per me, it would never come to me unless it is already there !

I mean ATTRACTION .

 

I need to feel attraction really quite there at the moment at the very start , or I will never else feel that ,

but all people are different ,and you may develop some chemistry with her afterwards..

 

 

I understand you as you say you are really in a hard situation now .

On one side education and family background really matter a lot ,

as in the long run we stay with the person . So we need a really educated and brought up in a normal family one .

On the other side it is really hard to deal with a person when you have not got no physical attraction between you two ... as that attraction may also lessen in the long run if she does not match your level in other aspects of life except for sex . As sex is Much,but its Not everything anyway .

 

 

Tell Angie not to pressure . And Dianne is not pressuring you ,

so take your time and decide both with mind and heart what more important is for you in real.

[norajane]

When you're having trouble choosing between two people, it usually means that you don't really feel strongly about either one. Which is the case here.

 

Frankly, I don't think you know either of them well enough to make a decision on exclusivity or breaking up! The only thing that you've really mentioned as an individual criteria is chemistry. The other stuff (family, education, etc.) only matters "on paper" and has nothing to do with whether you enjoy their company or compatibility or anything.

 

Which of them makes you laugh? Which of them laughs more often with you when you're having a conversation? Which of them are you more comfortable or interested in actual conversation with? When you're not "on the couch" what do you do with these ladies, and do they enjoy those activities with you? Do you have any passions or interests in common? Which of them is a better listener? Who is more generous or understanding or bitchy or confident or kind or any other qualities you would find attractive or unattractive in a person, a friend? How are these ladies around children, since you're thinking long-term and family? How do they treat people - waiters, taxi drivers, the clerk at the store, someone who bumps into them accidentally and steps on their shoes? Do you share the same sense of adventure (or non-adventure)? Do you have similar ideas about religion, politics, travel, money, cooking, what you like to do after a long day at work or on Sundays?

 

Can attraction grow? In my experience, yes, absolutely! However, it requires spending time together and seeing them in their element, or in non-typical date settings. For example, I can develop an attraction to a guy when I see him excelling at something or when focused on his passion, whether that be making a presentation at work, or playing softball, or helping me put a bookcase together. I can also develop an attraction when seeing him around his family and seeing how he treats his parents, his brothers and sisters, nieces and nephews. It comes from admiration, which is really what "falling in love" is about - you see all kinds of things you admire in a person and develop an admiration and then follows wanting to get closer to them. Attraction is also about how they make YOU feel. Which one of them makes you feel like superman? That's the one you're going to be attracted to in the long run - the one who makes you feel good.

 

You don't need to make a decision before you really know these girls.

[O'Malley]

There's nothing wrong with continuing to see both of them, as long as you're upfront about this. Some people assume exclusivity in dating even when it hasn't been discussed or just aren't comfortable with dating multiple people.

 

Continuing to date (in general) will help you determine which person you feel you have greater potential with. It may be one of these women or another person entirely. In addition to NJ's suggestions, who do you feel accepts you for who you are right now? Who seems less motivated to change you in some aspect? Who are you more accepting of and less motivated to change?

[carhill]

Date someone else

[stillafool]

Marriage is forever or we would like it to be. It would seem if you married someone where you didn't have the "chemistry" it would make it even less once you get tied down to the daily pressures of life and marriage. It seems that would leave the door open to an affair. Sooner or later you will become attracted to someone who gives you those feelings. I've known people who marry for "pedigree" and end up having an affair because they were never truly in love with that person.

[movingonandon]

If you have long term orientation, definitely go with "Dianne".

the other one will eat you for breakfast and fill digest you before noon .

 

Huge part of the attraction is clarifying your own feelings. Even if you are with the hottest woman on earth, after some time you'll get used to her and will have to trick yourself back into being attracted to her.

Apply the same technique for any other woman you're with and you'll be surprised by just how hot she can be...

[bdreamer]

Ahhh so many decisions to make, and pretty important ones at that.

 

I was (am) in a similar boat and for weeks I've contrasted and compared to not much success. The other posters are right, that you just kind of follow your heart & instincts. Then regret the decision later on

 

The difference between a mazda and a honda are pretty small. They are essentially very similar but are "different" in some respects. Both are compact cars, both get good gas mileage, sure prices, amenities, and color might be different, but they sound pretty close alike.

 

My advice?

 

Shop around. If your "bride" hunting then I demand you explore every possible option in the universe before you chain yourself to a heavy ball. No offense ladies, but I think it's a decision you shouldn't rush. Take your time, play the field and just tell the girls the truth.

 

"I need a open relationship at the moment to explore possibilities. I am making a semi-permanent decision and want to find the right person. I can't do that if I'm not allowed certain freedom. Sorry if this scares you, but it's something important that I HAVE to do."

 

Do not cut yourself short, don't flip a coin, don't choose one of the two. EXPLORE. Do not settle under any circumstance and take your time .... matters of the heart are best not rushed. Good luck!

[Scottdmw]

Thanks to all the replies so far!

 

So to add more information. . . .both women share many good traits that people have asked about. They both like music and the outdoors, my two biggest interests. They both share my religious values, Angie slightly more so than Dianne. They both have similar goals regarding marriage and family.

 

I can talk to both. I think I feel a deeper sense of connection conversationally with Angie, but it might just be the attraction. Both are fun to be with and seem to have a similar sense of adventure.

 

As some people have suggested, I would like nothing more than to date both for awhile. Unfortunately, as I mentioned Angie has refused to go along with that. She asked if I was dating anyone else, I said I was, and she said she wasn't willing to keep dating if I was seeing other people, because she didn't want to get too involved in that situation. I explained my lack of certainty and desire to be sure by seeing more of both but she was not persuaded. She did say that if things didn't work out with the other woman (Dianne) to contact her at that point, and she sounded hopeful I would. I dated Dianne a couple more weeks and here I am now, considering what to do. I'm pretty sure I could call Angie and date her but only if I'm willing to drop Dianne.

 

Scott

[edinsvet]

From what you said, I would go for Angie.

[Meet 4 Coffee]

The one who meets your desire with educational background. I couldn't be with someone who I didn't respect in this way.