To anyone here hurting...you'll be okay...really.

[dns502475]

I just want to tell anyone here suffering from a broken heart, that YOU WILL BE OKAY. YOU WILL GET OVER THIS. (You really will. )

 

Some of you may be thinking to yourself "I'll never get over him or her".

Believe me, you will. Or some of you may be thinking "I won't feel this way for someone ever again". Once again...you will. You're not going crazy, or losing your mind. You're not becoming a hopeless, pathetic emotional wreck either. Your life is not remotely close to being over. You're just hurting right. Hurting really badly. And that's ok.

 

 

PAIN IS NOT A BAD THING.

 

The thing I took away from the breakup that rocked me some 8 or 9 years ago was that I feared the pain. I was so afraid of the pain that I would put myself through all of these elaborate emotional "workarounds" just to avoid the pain.

 

I think we make it harder by all of the avoidance behaviors we engage in that simply postpone the true healing process.

 

If you really loved someone, then pain is something you SHOULD feel.

 

And pain is not a bad thing. It's healthy and restorative. Pain means someone was important to you. It means that you are capable of deep love. Allowing pain to freely move through you means healing is taking place. Pain is your ally.

 

When you put weight on a broken ankle, pain is the sensation telling you "not yet, the ankle isn't ready". The pain is protecting you and alerting the brain of an area that requires resources. Well, emotional pain serves the same purpose.

 

The human brain is an absolutely astounding creation. Your brain relies on pain. It's the feedback your brain needs to learn that the neural pathways it associated with a certain person it once considered highly pleasurable are now highly UNPLEASANT. Your brain needs this pain to learn that this person is no longer to be associated with those positive feelings.

 

Over time, your thoughts of the person lose what's called their "emotional charge" and the thought of the ex-lover literally no longer carries the same electrical current.

 

STRIVE TO BE AN EMOTIONALLY MATURE PERSON

 

An emotionally mature person knows that you can't make anyone love you...no matter how much you love them. The pain of a breakup is awful at first. There's no denying this. But as bad as it may be, it isn't lethal. The pain, in and of itself, can't kill you.

 

And in time, it passes.

 

But really, how you come to handle a breakup is really a sign of your EMOTIONAL MATURITY. As you mature emotionally, you'll handle them differently, and better.

 

Strive to be the EMOTIONALLY MATURE ADULT who understands several things about losing a relationship with someone they love. This does NOT mean CONTROLLED or INDIFFERENT or acting "ZEN" about the hurt you're facing. And most important, that YOU and YOU alone are responsible for your happiness and emotional well-being and that regardless of the crisis, you will eventually feel better.

 

SIGNS OF EMOTIONALLY MATURITY

a) An emotionally mature adult understands that it will HURT...BADLY and they make room for this in their lives. They make that time and space necessary to breakdown and fall apart.

 

b) That it's ok to cry...A LOT. (this is especially true for MEN who feel crying is inappropriate). Crying is very beneficial to healing. So is talking to someone about their feelings, and writing about their feelings.

 

(Personal Note: My first breakup, I didn't allow myself to cry. Even in private. I just became detached and numb. It led to a prolonged recovery, and a bad depression. My second major breakup (which I moved through much better, even though I loved her much more than the 1st) I made it a point to cry privately and intensely. I also kept a journal too which was VERY helpful.)

c) An emotionally mature adult understands that the pain is necessary, and that regardless of its intensity, it is nonetheless TEMPORARY.

 

d) An emotionally mature adult IS NOT AFRAID OF THE PAIN. Don't get me wrong, they don't like it or want it. But they accept it, and know they have to face it. They allow it to fully flow through them. They don't try to distract themselves of it, or deny it, or numb it, or self-medicate it. They say to their pain..."do your worst...I can take it."

 

e) An emotionally mature adult understands that it makes no sense whatsoever to think that they can change the outcome of the breakup. And they don't allow themselves to go through the futile exercises of begging, waiting, continuously calling, writing letters, pleading, or trying to show their ex that they've "changed" in attempts to get the relationship back.

 

f) An emotionally mature adult knows that the ONLY way they will get past their breakup is by having ABSOLUTELY NO CONTACT with their ex for an extended period of time, and giving themselves distance.

 

g) An emotionally mature adult knows that during this period of time, they will NOT be themselves. They will behave irrationally and be overwhelmed by their feelings at times. They will feel a compulsive need to contact their ex, or question everything about the relationship. They know they will feel extremely angry, insecure, or jealous for a period of time.

 

h) An emotionally mature adult knows that the constant "longing" or "yearning", & the hit to their self-esteem following a breakup is a normal part of the grieving process and that they can "allow" the feelings and FULLY FEEL THEM without giving into them or acting on them.

 

i) An emotionally mature person knows that THIS TOO SHALL PASS. And they know that in time, this person will no longer stir the same feelings in them.

 

j) An emotionally mature person knows that when he or she is ready, they will FALL IN LOVE AGAIN. Because they know that the feeling comes from inside, and NOT from the object of their affection.

 

How you choose to handle your breakup is a personal decision, of course. And as long as you choose to accept the reality, and face your pain, then there's no "right or wrong way" to do it. But in the end, do yourself the favor if you haven't done so already and just face the fact that you will be in pain, and that you will most likely never be with this person again head on. Because that's when the true healing begins to take place.

 

Hope this helps,

 

dns

[BikerBeagle]

Great post, dns. A+ This should be stickied!

[KissTheRain]

Thanks a lot buddy nice post.

We need it.

[Benique]

Super post !

 

Really very well put and said and all is true

[DSM-IV Tom]

DNS and DSM-IV Tom. We need to team up.

[IcemanJB]

DNS and DSM-IV Tom. We need to team up.

 

I agree. We'll call you guys "Double D"...err, wait.

 

Awesome post, as usualy dns. I'll be printing this one out...

[DSM-IV Tom]

Lol Double D.

 

But Iceman you will also join our team as well at this point

[Growingup]

Thanks for this post.

I'll probably read this daily now.

[quankanne]

fantastic post, DNS, one which I hope those suffering broken hearts will find comfort in.

 

an addendum: With the passage of time, what seems like the be-all, end-all relationship with the Love of Your Life takes on different meaning, and after awhile, you get to wondering just why you felt so strongly as you did about said relationship when you've become so far removed for it. I know I did when I realized the guy I was in love with in college could never ever touch what I have now, because for all the problems that may exist, my relationship with my husband is the most defining one I'll ever have.

[FF84]

Good post.

 

It's this sort of thing which should be handed to kids around 18 when they're leaving school to prepare them for the world of relationships and break ups. If I knew then what I know now...

[Seducer11]

I have to say this is definitely the best post i had ever seen..Its really helpful n i know i will be reading this over n over again..I know when i have the urge to call my ex gf or break the 'Non-contact', i will be reading this to give me strength n remind me that everything that have been mention in this post is true n reliable...Cheers mate...

[foxh1234]

Well said!! thanks for it.

[EmperorR]

great post

[Cub]

Oh, you're back! Good to see ya posting again, buddy.

[hereandnow]

Pain is the touchstone of all spiritual growth.

 

D***it!

[BikerBeagle]

DNS, will you give permission for me to post this at other sites I frequent?