reallywondering Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 well, I have been having problems with this issue and I wish I could just get over it. I have been with this amazing girl for about four months now, and I really care about her. She has repeatedly said she used to be a whore, and slept with ALOT of guys, about 20-30 within, i dunno, a year or two maybe, and i fully expect that to be a low number from the way she said it. I have tried to tell her that it bothers me, but she just got upset that I was judging her on her past. I understand that I have no right to judge her past, and I just wish it didnt bother me because she is everything i want in a girl, but for some reason its just not that easy for me. Im sure everyones advice is gonna be get rid of her if im gonna worry about something stupid like this, or that I should just get over it because she means so much to me. I guess it just bothers me that she sees no problem with calling herself a whore, and I dont know how to get over it and i really dont want to ruin this because of her past. She is starting to realize that I hate her talking about past sexual experiences, because one, I want her to focus on just us, and two, when she does, it just makes me think about how many guys have had sex with MY perfect girl. Maybe I would feel better if she understood why it bothers me. I guess i dont know, maybe its because she talks about hating people with no self respect, but i see a lack of self respect there. PLEASE, I need some honest advice without people being pricks about it. Tell me how to not care about this so I can just be happy with her, cuz i dont want anyone else
Vertex Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 In my opinion, past is past. She's with you now. However, I would really dislike it if a girlfriend constantly talked about her past sexual experiences with me when I clearly stated that it was not something I wished to hear/talk about. Telling her not to bring it up is not judging her on her past. If anything, it's a plus because it's indicative that you wish for you guys to focus on yourselves, in the present. It sounds as if she is the one judging herself, as she seems to have no problem calling herself a whore, which may be a sign of low self-esteem, in this case. I think the best thing you can do at this point is to reassure her that, in your eyes, she's not a whore and that she should value herself. Clearly, you value her and do not judge her for her past, and she needs to understand that. Again, telling her not to talk about it is not judging her for her past. You just don't want to think about other men being with someone you care about, and I don't think this is unreasonable at all to say to her.
Author reallywondering Posted December 16, 2008 Author Posted December 16, 2008 I guess what im just worried about is it continuing to bother me. Will it go away? I feel like its a test to see if I can get over something that to me is a huge deal, to be with someone that means alot to me. She flat out says she doesnt see it as a big deal, but to me, taking random guys home from the bar all the time is not acceptable. A one night stand happening here and there I can deal with, but when it happened alot its hard. Our relationship got started with sex, and I know that sounds bad in my argument, but we are the same age and im not even in the double digits. I know I should be completely happy with the fact that I got the emotional part of it too, but it still hasnt gone away.
samsungxoxo Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 I agree that if it bothers you then she should not be overly talking about it. Now before you get intimate with her both of you might want to make sure you are are clear on std's since she had a very active sexual past.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 Well, it is a big deal to you, and the big problem here is that she doesn't seem to respect that. She is lucky she has you, because a lot of guys wouldn't be able to look past that at all. I think the fact that she keeps bringing it up is not good, and she needs to stop. I would bet money that the girl has abuse in her past. Sleeping with that many men in such a short time and calling herself a whore practically screams it. I don't know what you would do with that information, but if you are trying to figure out "why", then this may be a place to start. People who have been abused will often sleep around because it is their way of controlling their sexuality. At one time, someone else was using their body and when that person gets older, they want to "take back" their sexuality and define it for themselves. I think you need to tell her, flat out, that you really care about her but you do not wish to talk about her sexual past unless their is some deeper significance to it that she wishes to discuss. Good luck.
Diamonds&Rust Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 it just makes me think about how many guys have had sex with MY perfect girl. Maybe I would feel better if she understood why it bothers me. Maybe you would feel better if you understood why it bothers you.
Benique Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 Let her sit in front of you and holding her hands in your hands, looking into her eyes , tell her straight how much it really hurts you to hear about her past . If she has love and respect for you,she will quit to please you.
movingonandon Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 First, where do I wind women like that (but before they've entered committed relationship)? Seriously - where? Second, you already got some good advice here. My take is that you should not bother so much with how many guys she has slept with. It's hard to believe, but it's really not a big deal. You've had ONSs, so you know. The bigger issue is what is the current information form your interactions with her tell you about her character? Did she do this just for fun, i.e. in a period of sexual experimentation? Or did she do it because of low self-esteem or other deeper issues? If the former, you don't necesarily have anything to worry about since she seems to be past that phase. If the latter, you may have issues. Does she currently have a healthy self-esteem? Does she need approval and constant reassurances? If so, it will be very easy for her to find "comfort" someplace else if things between you get on the rocks at some point (and they ineviatbly will, of course, like in any relationship). I know it's hard, but try not to make assumptions about her based on her past, and instead base your judgements on what you learn about her character while currenlty in relaitonship with her... Understand firts, judge later. If you discover something you don't like, see if it is changeable or not. This is a very hard judgement to make.
inloveforeverwithyou Posted December 17, 2008 Posted December 17, 2008 Yes I completely understand you thought processright now. I think you should continue your relationship, she sounds like your dream woman, why let go?
Ayemtee Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 well, I have been having problems with this issue and I wish I could just get over it. I have been with this amazing girl for about four months now, and I really care about her. She has repeatedly said she used to be a whore, and slept with ALOT of guys, about 20-30 within, i dunno, a year or two maybe, and i fully expect that to be a low number from the way she said it. I have tried to tell her that it bothers me, but she just got upset that I was judging her on her past. I understand that I have no right to judge her past, and I just wish it didnt bother me because she is everything i want in a girl, but for some reason its just not that easy for me. Im sure everyones advice is gonna be get rid of her if im gonna worry about something stupid like this, or that I should just get over it because she means so much to me. I guess it just bothers me that she sees no problem with calling herself a whore, and I dont know how to get over it and i really dont want to ruin this because of her past. She is starting to realize that I hate her talking about past sexual experiences, because one, I want her to focus on just us, and two, when she does, it just makes me think about how many guys have had sex with MY perfect girl. Maybe I would feel better if she understood why it bothers me. I guess i dont know, maybe its because she talks about hating people with no self respect, but i see a lack of self respect there. PLEASE, I need some honest advice without people being pricks about it. Tell me how to not care about this so I can just be happy with her, cuz i dont want anyone else Jeez duke, that's harsh to deal with. I wouldn't go for it. She sounds like a loose ass hypocrite. Can that floosey broad and get a woman with class.
AAlike Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 hmmm...how did you come about this knowledge? did you ask her or did she just tell you? and when she refers to herself as "a whore" is she doing this playfully or confessionally?
Ayemtee Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 Nowhere near as harsh as your post. I'd rather be friends with a gal with her past than someone who could say the above in such a rude manner. I agree with those that say the past is the past. If she's true to you, what does it matter? It matters to him because he was hoping for a GF with more class. He has every right to be concerned and intuitive of this female's nature. She's someone he cares about but at the same time she has qualities he can't look past. He needs to part ways with her and find a female with more class.
bozwa Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 Nowhere near as harsh as your post. I'd rather be friends with a gal with her past than someone who could say the above in such a rude manner. I agree with those that say the past is the past. If she's true to you, what does it matter? I agree, whole-heartedly. Plus, technically speaking, unless she accepted payment for her conquests, she's not, and never was, a whore. She was just...having fun for a little while. No biggie.
Author reallywondering Posted December 31, 2008 Author Posted December 31, 2008 well when she said it, it was like it was no big deal. She said "I was a whore, but I didnt expect anything out of it", like it was a normal thing. And i do want a classy girl. A year ago I got rid of a girl I was with for 5 years and decided to be picky this time on who I would date cuz most girls...well, arent my type. They have a tendency to irritate me. I found her and it never would have happened if I knew this. That first date would have never happened. I am going to stay with her. It bothers the **** outta me, but I figure it will go away sometime. It just makes me wonder if there is something she is not telling me about how she thinks about me. When you sleep with that many people it will make any guy wonder why they chose him... And having fun for a little while??? That may be the case, but thats too much fun for my tastes. Unfortunately im in love with the girl so I need to figure out how to overlook it
Ayemtee Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 Could be a number of reasons but at least you can accept her for who she is now. That takes major cajones. Not alot of people have them, **** I don't. But for whatever reason she chose you over others, regardless of what reason, should be enough to put some swag in your step and a confident smile on your face.
BubblyPopcorn Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 It does seem rather excessive and I don't blame you for feeling that way, when I first started dating my now ex, I had only been with one other person whereas he had been with like 20 (and we were both in our early 20's). It was hard for me to deal with at first but I had to accept that it was before me, we had a wonderful RL and he was such a good guy so eventually I got over it. It takes a level of maturity I suppose to not let it hinder your RL or your perception of her and your trying to get past it so it sounds like your on the right track.
sumdude Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 If it bothers you now it may bother you throughout the relationship. You may have trust issues with her because of it. I'm actually surprised she admitted as much as she did, many women who have ..ahem... colorful pasts will usually admit to less than half the real number. If you can deal with it and are prepared for what may end up happening then more power too you. Still consider that the only predictor of future activity is the actions of the past.
fishtaco Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 When you said she was a whore I thought you meant she was a prostitute. Remember, whores have sex for money... unless you're just calling her names for insult purposes. Or you consider all women that have had sex with 20+ partners deserving of insult. So she was promiscuous. Big deal. Promiscuous does not equal to cheater. You don't have anything to worry about unless she was cheating. But of course if you felt this way you wouldn't have issues with her. Anyway. While I disagree with your views, that sounds like a deal breaker -- to you. Maybe you should just break up with her and find someone with a less colorful sexual history. Part of dating is discovering yourself. Maybe you don't like blonds, well, okay, don't date blonds. Now you know 20+ partners is no. How about 5? Is that an acceptable number? Then start looking for women that matches that qualification. And for her, it'd be in her best interest to be with someone that doesn't judge her this way. My vote is for breaking it off. I always think it's funny when people go - s/he is the wo/man of my dreams... except this issue. Well, the fact that they have this issue means they're NOT the wo/man of your dreams. People look at the compatibles only, and just wish the incompatibles would magically disappear. Doesn't happen that way. People resist changes. She certainly can't change her past, neither should she feel the need to. You won't change either under normal circumstances. This view is ingrained deeply into your mind. It may take years to reprogram your brain. Unless you don't want to have this "she's a whore" mentality for your OWN PURPOSES, as in even if she never existed you want to change this part about yourself, then by all means make the transition. But if you're doing this just so you can be with her... First, is it worth it? Second, it won't work in the long run. You'll just snap right back in times of stress. Next time you have a fight, the word "whore" will fly right out of your mouth. You should then just accept this as one of your requirements and stay away from women with high number of past partners in the future.
RichGuy Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 Real prostitutes have between 500 to 800 unique partners per year, studies show. Maybe even 1,000+ if they keep really busy and are in high demand areas. If I were you, I wouldn't sweat anything in the double digits. Me being me, I always offer to take them out to a nice restaurant afterwards. I don't sweat the quadruple digits even.
Author reallywondering Posted December 31, 2008 Author Posted December 31, 2008 When you said she was a whore I thought you meant she was a prostitute. Remember, whores have sex for money... unless you're just calling her names for insult purposes. Or you consider all women that have had sex with 20+ partners deserving of insult. Ok to start off, read more carefully before you respond and accuse me of insulting her. SHE called HERSELF a whore. There is a big difference. The reason I repeated it was because it BOTHERS me hearing that. Should I put all important words in CAPS for you to comprehend more clearly? I hate when people try to give advice and didnt even have a mother who could teach them to read. Anyways, I love the girl, I know that, and having one flaw will be the case with every person. If you look for someone that is perfect in every way you will be sorely disappointed. What I am ATTEMPTING to do is find a way to get over this because I DO want to be with her. She DID choose me and thats what matters.
LostNLonely Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 Was she a pro? Or did she sleep around on account of a high sex drive? I agree with the responder who suggested there might be sexually abuse in her background/childhood. I have loved a couple of "whores" in my day, one because of the fact she was so easy and so very good at what she did, and another was more of a compassion driven love, she was a former-pro, we never slept together, but I felt the feelings there and never acted upon them. A wise older male friend of mine at the time advised me not to go there, he said "She's trash...her Momma was trash..." Which I took to mean, once a whore, always a whore. It's really your call. But I would suggest counseling, individually and joint, until your prepared and she's healed and your both ready for a healthy relationship together.
Miss Jane Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 If it bothers you now it may bother you throughout the relationship. You may have trust issues with her because of it. I'm actually surprised she admitted as much as she did, many women who have ..ahem... colorful pasts will usually admit to less than half the real number. If you can deal with it and are prepared for what may end up happening then more power too you. Still consider that the only predictor of future activity is the actions of the past. I would also wonder, for your sake, if some of your concerns for your relationship with her, might be surrounding "trust" issues. Trust is so important in a real relationship and I, too, am surprised at her candidness. I would be concerned that she used to do it for esteem issues and that isn't something that the promiscuity fixes--if anything, I think it just makes it worse. Then again, many men have "colorful" pasts and, in general, most partners don't care and/or figure that's just the way men are. It would be a double standard to think that there is anything wrong about it because she's not a guy. I agree, most women won't admit to much of their "colorful" past, but I, as a woman, know that my man doesn't want to hear it:rolleyes:
fishtaco Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 Ok to start off, read more carefully before you respond and accuse me of insulting her. SHE called HERSELF a whore. There is a big difference. The reason I repeated it was because it BOTHERS me hearing that. Should I put all important words in CAPS for you to comprehend more clearly? I hate when people try to give advice and didnt even have a mother who could teach them to read. Anyways, I love the girl, I know that, and having one flaw will be the case with every person. If you look for someone that is perfect in every way you will be sorely disappointed. What I am ATTEMPTING to do is find a way to get over this because I DO want to be with her. She DID choose me and thats what matters. My bad. I apologize, I missed that part. But the rest of it is still the same. Deal breakers are deal breakers. If you're not okay with it, don't date someone like that. Forcing relationships to work usually don't turn out well.
Enema Posted February 19, 2009 Posted February 19, 2009 As if you wouldn't have slept with 20 women given the opportunity. I wonder if men's issues with womens' pasts stems from an inferiority or jealousy complex.
bearhugs Posted February 19, 2009 Posted February 19, 2009 Bro, i know how you feel and it hurts and all you think about is how they probably had big weeners and that she liked sex better with them and all, its kept me up at night many nights. Were always gonna care, but think how special you must be to have kept her when all them guys just were let go. As long as you can deal with it stay with her, if not then your with the wrong girl. Sometimes the past will eat you up forever. If she shows signs of that behavior creeping up again bail out. but you clearly love her if you are concerned enough to be on her trying to make it work so hang in there and keep it to yourself when you feel like freaking out and calling her a whore....its bad for a relationship lol hang in there bud
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