hereandnow Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 So I thought I would post about this as it's been on my mind. Most on here advocate NC, but then I see so many people on here with posts like 6 months NC and it hurts worse than ever and 2 months NC and urge to contact arrrrgh! A lot of people are just counting the days and still seem to feel like s***. The longest NC I managed was 9 days. And even though I've been in LC for the 2 months since the break I do believe that I've healed a great bit. I know it will hurt pretty bad if/when I found out she's with someone new, but we both run in similar circles and someone is bound to spill the beans even if we are NC. My ex is an amazingly understanding and caring person, so maybe that makes the difference. I know she wouldn't do anything to consciously hurt me, like tell me about her new "love" or anything like that. In fact she made it a point to tell me one time about how she was not dating somebody. Secondly, and on a related topic, I have the feeling that I won't get over her completely until I have found someone new and fell in love. I've seen this expressed before on here. I mean, if we on here are looking for lasting love, as it appears most of us are, doesn't that mean we will probably be thinking about our last, nearest success at this. I'm not talking about rebounding to get over an ex. I'm talking about giving up the hope most of us on here still have that there may be a chance with our ex, without meeting someone new. Has anybody on here who parted under amicable terms (i.e. no cheating, knock down drag out fights, etc.) really been able to just give up that hope without meeting someone new? I'm asking because I really would like to know if it's been possible for you and therefore maybe possible for me. Love to hear ya'll's opinions!
hades07 Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 I would love to say to you that NC is the best if you have parted under amicable terms (me and my ex broke up over 6 months ago, besides the fact she started dating a coworker a month later because she is one of those girls who cant be single it was amicable). I have not contacted her in 5 days, and in the last two weeks sent her a birthday card and a couple of messages on msn and text messages because two weeks ago I told her I would not talk to her anymore and am trying my best to do this. I am still nowhere near over my ex and recently pledged to stop talking to her but I think about her every night before I go to bed and many times during the day. Like you, I believe the reason is I have yet to fall in love with someone else or date someone else I felt a real connection with that I feel could replace my thoughts about her. I have dated three girls in the last 6 months, one was my gf for awhile, all of them would be with me right now, but I don't feel that way about any of them. I don't know if this helps but it seems like you need to give up the hope, avoid her as much as possible, and find someone else to focus your energy and thoughts on and then you will have an easier time moving on. I had a girl I liked but it never worked out and for those couple of weeks I was at my happiest.
steve9417 Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 Hi - sorry to hear that you're not in a great place ...... you've said a few things that mean you've still got hope and when you've still got that you're never going to gain closure ...... the healing process of NC is never going to really work if you're looking backwards whilst you're trying to move forwards ........ you need to really be asking yourself what makes you still have hope for a relationship that's over ? what reason / NEED do you fulfill by thinking this way ? perhaps you've not got closure ....... maybe with her being so considerate you're still being hopeful - you can go ask for closure or you can wait till you hear she's with someone else or you can realise that it is over based on the reality of the situation I know it will hurt pretty bad if/when I found out she's with someone new, but we both run in similar circles and someone is bound to spill the beans even if we are NC. Secondly, and on a related topic, I have the feeling that I won't get over her completely until I have found someone new and fell in love. this is going to sound rather bland and unhelpful but have you ever though that that new person could be you for the time being ? i'm in a similar place right now .... with a relationship that i had a lot of hope in being over i now realise that i need to invest in myself - to watch what i say to myself (internal dialogue), eat and exercise well, be my best friend, cry, talk to my buddies and friends, be honest to my family and closest friends - to essentially find love all around me and within myself ....... its been a tough but i'm regaining my strength and hope for my future in spite of a failed relationship Has anybody on here who parted under amicable terms (i.e. no cheating, knock down drag out fights, etc.) really been able to just give up that hope without meeting someone new? I'm asking because I really would like to know if it's been possible for you and therefore maybe possible for me. i did finish with a girl that was an amicable finish but i didn't really love her ...... my most recent ex has been a baptism of fire on the hurt stakes but the emotional healing from my past has been incredible - i have been able to gain closure as she was rude and uncaring (a disgrace in the end) which makes it easer to end - thus i appreciate when an ex is being caring and considerate it is hard to gain closure ........ but you really must go get it either on your own or by asking for it ......... often we hold onto relationships as we're frightened of going it alone, we're frightened of something missing that our partner was giving us when we were together (what was that for you ?) and by holding on / having hope we're holding back facing our own internal healing ......... thus i'd recommend gain closure and then be your best friend i suspect i bring you nothing new with these words ... LS is full of such comments ....... but perhaps its time you heard them now .......... hang in there ..... these days are going to be the making of you ......... as i recall from another LS post ........ Its not what you do in comfort that defines you but what you do in crisis .......... find the strength and you'll realise it was there all along
Author hereandnow Posted December 16, 2008 Author Posted December 16, 2008 Thanks hades and steve, for the replies. I'm actually not in that bad of a place. It is just that all hope of getting back together isn't dead. In fact, she has started showing up more often at places she knows I'll be just in the past few days. Places she hasn't come to since the breakup 2 months ago. I posted about it in the breakup forum. Anyway, the point is I'm not in a lot of pain right now, I'm just waiting to see what happens. It does appear though that the more I act towards her as if I'm okay with the breakup, or perhaps the more confident and indifferent I seem, all of a sudden the more she shows up. We both agreed we'd like to "catch up" with each other soon, and I think she may be surprised that I haven't called to do that, like she may have thought that I would immediately try to jump on that opportunity. Just the feelings that I get, but hey, coming from me they're probably completely deluded and exaggerated!
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