SarahT111 Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 Hi All Im looking for some advice here if I ever decide to date again!! I am 20 and seeminly just cant get any relationships right!!!! My first bf I was with for 2 years. To be honest I wasn't a great gf. I never cheated anything like that but I just didnt treat him with the respect he deserved. I was unhappy with the way his friends and family treated me and mostly I toko it out on him. But we lasted two years until he got sick of our fighting and left me. I honestly had no idea up until that point how bad I had been treating him. I went through hell. It was the hardest breakup EVER! I hit ultimate rock bottom and even tried to take my life a few times. After many many months I became a changed person. I dont reconginse who I am anymore but I am a much better person. I live for other people now, I am unable to hurt people. Since that lifechanging break up I have dated two guys. I dont mean at all to blow my own trumpet so please excuse me, but I was honestly the perfect gf. I REFUSED to set a foot out of place, there was no way I was going to get hurt again. I always showed them attention, bought them small gifts and tried my best to make them laugh etc I never over did it either, I tried my best to find the balance between showing affection and harrasing them! But both guys just lost interest and left!! Both also had someone else a week after our break up!! I just dont know how to get it right!!!!!!!!! It seems the worse you treat someone the longer they stay!? Has anyone got any advice on what im foing wrong? I have been SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO hurt recently and just want to get it right to avoid this pain if I ever date again! But how do I get it right?! Where do I keep going wrong? Are some people just unlovable? I am SO dam easy to dump and move on from! I jusst want toi know why!!!!!!!!
Diamonds&Rust Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 Honey, relax. You are not unlovable. You lack emotional maturity in certain respects and it's leading to dissatisfying relationships. Sadly, personal growth doesn't come from reading outside perspectives on an online forum. You'll just have to have faith in this whole adulthood thing. It comes through many lessons, all of which will be immensely painful for you, though increasingly manageable as you develop the tools you need to survive it. Part of your growth will involve divesting how you view yourself from how others view you. "I live for other people now," is extremely unhealthy. If you imagine the perfect partner as someone who dotes over you at the expense of their self, I assure you that it's fantasy. In practice this would be very irritating. You will read this a lot all over this forum, but it's a really difficult sum of words to actually apply to yourself: confidence attracts. You have to believe you're the perfect girl (not girlfriend) and realize that it has nothing to do with how you balance affection with harassment. The secret to attracting (and keeping) a relationship of quality is to be that quality person, and to stay that person even after you get into the relationship. The trouble is people who care way too much about how other people think of them are seeking advice on how to basically not do that, but with the same obsessive drive that leads them to sabotage their relationships in the first place. It seems the worse you treat someone the longer they stay!? Well, yeah, unfortunately, in a lot of cases. But let's focus on those relationships of quality. It's cruel, I know, but if being in a relationship is what makes you happy, chances are your relationships won't make you happy. It very much concerns me when breakups lead to suicide attempts, because it's a sign of an underlying struggle with self worth. This struggle is present long before the relationship ends, and it drives potential partners away. You can't have a healthy love for someone who doesn't love themselves, for someone who wouldn't be alright without you. It's too much pressure and it creates a third, unwanted person out of the relationship itself.
Lovelybird Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 Hi I understand how you feel, please don't be so hard on yourself, this can hardly solve anything. If there are 10 men, there would be 10 ways to be a "perfect gf", you cannot be a super Rubber cement Successful relationship is majorly based on self-acceptance, not to the degree full of self that not improve anymore, but reasonable self-acceptance is very important. You are not doing that right now. Before someone special come along, you have to have self-acceptance and respect for yourself first. There isn't one person who lived on earth didn't experience failures. They all grow and mature during the process, and through steps of pains. If you look at relationship not as the ultimate goal, but a process from which you can grow more mature, every failure is a chance make you grow, then probably you would feel at ease. By the way you cannot treat somebody badly, and expect they will stay and love you back, maybe in the severe coindepent case, which is not good in the end. How about have a bubble bath, do something very nice for yourself, then listen some beautiful inspiring music, free your spirit. One or two breakup cannot define who you are, if breakup can define a woman, all women on earth are not lovely then. The right time and right man for you just didn't come yet, but will be
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