Relationship "breaks"

[ddubs]

Hi everyone! I am having some relationship issues and am seeking advice and support. I'd like to get straight to the point (and you can skip to it if you'd like), but I figured a little background info might help.

About Us: She just turned 19 and I'm about to turn 20, so we're almost a year apart in age. We've been dating for six years (anniversary was yesterday (Dec. 15), and I asked her to marry me 1.5 years ago. We are very much looking forward to spending the rest of our lives together and have plans for raising a family, the whole nine-yards. We have also been living together, (A) at her parent's house for 1 year (B) in our apartment for 4 months.

 

Small nitpicks: I inherited anger issues from my father, even though I feel like I'm in control a majority of the time. My family has had major issues with alcohol, so I have vowed to keep alcohol out of my life (and our relationship). She is inherently a messy person, and it causes fights when she won't clean after asking her to help for over 3 weeks (that's the length of my breaking point).

 

Recent troubles: We have occasional fights of which we seem to work out easily. What I haven't noticed is that she looks at our fighting as a whole, instead of getting over each fight individually. One week ago we finally got free time in our busy schedules and she told me we would go out together when I got home from work. Well, she decided to go out while I was at work, and when she finally caught up with me at home I was irritated and went straight to bed not speaking to her.

 

She followed not long after, and I angrily told her how upset I was. Especially since she was with a friend that I don't like (she pressures my fiance, to drink, and I feel she is a bad influence on our relationship). Well, this caused my fiance to become very upset and leave me, with no intention of coming back.

 

This hurt because I did not see it coming, and all I wanted to do was talk things over and not be irrational. We concluded our fighting and I apologized after realizing the scope of our fighting. She came back and this is where I start with my concern, and why I am here.

 

My concern: I need closure that we are happy together, and I love her dearly (obviously) and she tells me she loves me. She believes that we need a break, so she can finally have the time she never had (we started dating at 13) to socialize and not worry about restraints of our relationship (like do I care if she goes out, bills, etc.).

 

This has me worried because I don't truly understand why she wants a break. She assures me it has nothing to do with our love and she is faithful to me. But shouldn't we be stronger and work things out together. I honestly don't know how to word the rest of this; how much detail to include, what I am truly concerned about... I already feel bad I just wrote a friggin' book.

 

I guess what it comes down to is that she now feels like we need a break so she won't later regret not doing things (that I feel are irresponsible and foolish) such as partying, creating friendships, etc. I don't see why she can't do that with me by her side. Was it just bad timing since we just fought? I'm scared that a "break" in our relationship could do more harm than good.

 

Thank you for reading (if you stuck through it). I'm sorry for writing such a long post. I just feel like I need to get this off my chest, and would very much appreciate some advice and feedback.

Another thing I'd like to note. Our fight have always blown over after we made up, but recently my fiance created a friendship with a lesbian who just lost her girlfriend and recently started living on her own (I don't have anything against lesbians, one of my good friends is lesbian, I just get jealous with my fiance spending too much time with her). My fiance always respected my wishes of not drinking until this friend, and she lied to me about not drinking with her the first night they went out. Now I resent this friend of hers and feel like she is causing many problems in our relationship and influencing my fiance to feel like she doesn't need me just like she (the friend) is on her own now.

[Diamonds&Rust]

I guess what it comes down to is that she now feels like we need a break so she won't later regret not doing things (that I feel are irresponsible and foolish) such as partying, creating friendships, etc. I don't see why she can't do that with me by her side.

You answered your own question. She can't do that with you by her side because you won't let her.

Was it just bad timing since we just fought?

I think it's bad timing in general--you essentially started a lifelong commitment to one another before you had really decided upon who you are. She's clearly not done growing up, and you're getting in the way of it.

I'm scared that a "break" in our relationship could do more harm than good.

If you see it as a chance for her to run off and be the prodigal son, then yeah, it will--but if you use the chance to grow and develop your own views on love and identity and respect and boundaries, you might be better off.

 

Brother, I wish I could hug you. Your jealousy and control issues will drive this girl away as she struggles to grow up with you over her shoulder. I don't know if there's anything else more I can say.

 

A twenty year old girl who doesn't know what it's like to get wasted surely isn't ready for marriage. It would be one thing if she was culturally conditioned to feel the same way you do, but she's clearly not, and that's not necessarily a bad thing. Humanity has a fascination with self-destruction and it WILL find a way to manifest itself regardless of your choices. Learning to cope with that is part of mastering oneself.

 

Be aware that alcoholism and addictive behaviors are powerfully entrenched in genetics, and that you need not imbibe to have your relationships destroyed in much the same way as drunks repel intimacy.

[Lauriebell82]

It sounds like you have some control issues.

 

You say alcoholism runs in your family so you don't drink. That's probably a smart idea, HOWEVER why are you trying to monitor your fiance's drinking like you're her father? She lied to you because she feels like you are controlling her and she's pissed off. I realize she is underage, but most kids drink when they are underage. I can see you being uncomfortable with her getting drunk/drinking in front of you but you need to get used to that happening. You can't control EVERYONE'S drinking. The biggest problem with alcoholic's is that they blame others that are drinking around them for their struggles. Get over it, people are going to drink.

 

As for her wanting a break. She is only 20 years old! Promising to marry someone at age 20 probably would make someone feel like they haven't experienced life. At age 20 you are just gettin started!

 

Everybody fights. You need to get over that too. You make up and resolve things don't you? What's the big deal?

 

It sounds like YOU are part of this problem. My advice is to let her go do what she needs to. She's not going to be happy if she feels that you have "caged her in" and your marriage will fall apart. Plus, both of you are WAY too young to even consider marriage. You have not matured enough or found out who you are or what you want. Let her go and if she comes back then that's great. Honestly though, I would hold off on the engagement until you are older. If you are in love you can both wait.